Episode Transcript: Snail Mail

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Episode Article: Snail Mail

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(the episode begins outside of SpongeBob's house)

French Narrator: Ahh, a happy pineapple under the sea. Let's take a peek inside, shall we? (inside SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob is sitting on his chair, feeling bored) You will notice that the sponge is bored, because his best friend Patrick is away. (SpongeBob slides onto the floor)

SpongeBob: Ohh! (picks up Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy magazine) Hmm... what's this? (reading the pen pal article) All alone? No one to talk to? Why not write to a total stranger? Connect with other Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Pen Pals Today! Oh, I've never had a pen pal! (pulls out a paper and a pencil from his head. Sharpens his pencil with his teeth like a pencil sharpener. Lays on the floor and begins writing on the paper) Hmm... "Dear Pen Pal, my name is SpongeBob SquarePants..." Oh, that's great! "I work at a restaurant. I love frying and I'm very good at it. Sincerely, your new best friend!" Behold, the perfect letter! Now, for the envelope. (leaps over Gary and runs into the kitchen to get an envelope. However, when he comes back, Gary is slithering slime all over his letter) Gary, get off of that! You'll spot my masterpiece!

Gary: Meow, meow. (slithers away. SpongeBob picks up his letter, now covered in slime)

French Narrator: Uh-oh. It looks as if the domesticated snail has unintentionally deformed the word "Frying," making it look like the word "Flying." This is probably going to be a problem later on.

SpongeBob: Nah, it's just a little slime. (puts the slimy letter in the envelope and seals it with his tongue) Ah, perfect! (time card appears)

French Narrator: 4 to 6 days later... (the mailfish, Norton, comes to SpongeBob's house and opens the mailbox to deliver his letter. When he opens it, SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and Norton puts his letter in SpongeBob's mouth. Norton closes the mailbox and sighs as he walks off. SpongeBob bursts out of his mailbox and runs inside his house. SpongeBob opens the envelope and begins to read the letter that is inside)

SpongeBob: "Dear SpongeBob, Wow! You know how to fly?" Fly? What does he mean by... (gasps)

French Narrator: See? What did I tell you?

SpongeBob: Gary, my pen pal thinks I can fly!

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: Ha! What a silly misunderstanding. "I can't believe I know a real life pilot! I wish I could watch you fly, because I am dying!" (gasps) Dying?! Not Pen Pal. I don't want to let him down and say that I can't fly. 'Cause then, his dying wish will never come true. (imagines his pen pal's funeral)

Priest: We're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Pen Pal. He died disappointed. (the four mailfish dump the carcass of Pen Pal into a mailbox and salutes him. The mailbox sinks into the ground as lightning flashes the sky. SpongeBob's imagination ends. SpongeBob comes up with an idea and jumps on his chair)

SpongeBob: Time to make Pen Pal's wish come true with a tiny white lie! (pulls out another piece of paper and a pencil and begins writing a letter) "Dearest Pen Pal, yes, I can fly! Boy, do I love flying! Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly!" (another time card appears)

French Narrator: 4 to 6 more days later... (Norton comes to SpongeBob's house and opens the mail slot to deliver his letter. When he opens it, SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and Norton puts his letter in SpongeBob's mouth. Norton closes the mail slot and sighs as he walks off. SpongeBob opens the envelope with his nose and begins to read the letter)

SpongeBob: "Dear SpongeBob, I'll be at the Bikini Bottom Air Show tomorrow. Please meet me there so I can finally see you fly?!" (screams) Oh no! What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I can't fly, Gary! I'm not a flyer! I'm a liar! (freaks out and runs all over his house in panic. Gary throws water at SpongeBob to calm him down)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Good thinking, Gary. [(rings himself out) Sandy will know just what to do. (bubble-wipe to Sandy's Treedome. Inside, Sandy is working on one of her inventions)

Sandy: What can I do ya for, SquarePants?

SpongeBob: I did a bad thing, Sandy! I did a very bad thing! (Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants)

Sandy: Here. Take these. They're clean.

SpongeBob: No, no. It's not that. It's... it's... (hyperventilates himself and frantically takes off his water helmet) I lied! (puts his helmet back on and fills it up with his tears) I lied! I lied! I lied! I lied! I lied! (pulls his pants up in embarrassment)

Sandy: Relax, SpongeBob. You're twitchin' like a prairie dog on a cow-skin rug.

SpongeBob: Uh, what on a which?

Sandy: What's got your behind a-buzzin'?

SpongeBob: By who I've a where's in?

Sandy: (sighs) What did you lie about, SpongeBob? (SpongeBob feels hesitant about telling Sandy about his lie. But he eventually gives in. He takes a deep breath and as talks to her, bubbles foam around his helmet)

SpongeBob: Well, there was this big misunderstanding and now my pen pal thinks I can fly! And I don't think I ever mean it, but now I have to! He doesn't see me fly and I don't know how! If I don't fly, he'll die disappointed! I made a horrible mistake, Sandy! Please help! (SpongeBob inhales the bubbles in his mouth and belches)

Sandy: Well, it ain't no lie if you actually learn how to fly. And I can help you with that!

SpongeBob: Really?

Sandy: Sure. (bubble-wipe to Sandy putting SpongeBob in a flight training machine)

SpongeBob: Seatbelt, check. Controls, check. (Sandy turns on her machine. On the screen is a video game version of an airplane getting ready to fly. As SpongeBob begins his flight training, the airplane on the screen starts flying)

Sandy: Proper take off, check. How are ya doing in there?

SpongeBob: Oh, I'm good. (continues his training until he sees his pineapple house) Oh, there's my house! (parachutes off and goes inside his house) Oops. I've forgot to feed Gary.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Oh, hi Gary. (the airplane crash lands near SpongeBob's house and the screen shows "Game Over")

Sandy: (sighs) Failed. Alright, let's try that again! SpongeBob? Hmm? (Sandy turns and sees her flight training machine severely damaged and SpongeBob is nowhere in sight. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob in a wooden airplane tied up with a rope) Alright, SpongeBob. I tied ya up to a rope so you won't be able to go too far off course. (turns the propeller) Contact! (SpongeBob's wooden airplane lifts into the air and starts to fly)

SpongeBob: (laughs) I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! (as the wooden airplane flies around in a circle, the rope starts to ravel around the pole, getting the airplane tangled on it) Did I do it?

Sandy: Hmm. Good enough. (stamps the word "Ready" on her checklist. Bubble-wipe to the Bikini Bottom Air Show where pilots are preparing to entertain the audience with their planes. SpongeBob walks into the arena with a pilot suit on and is ready to perform in the show. He sees an old man on a wheel chair, coughing. SpongeBob rushes over to meet him)

SpongeBob: Hey, you must be Pen Pal! (the old fish coughs) What an honor it is to finally meet you! Oh, you pretty, pretty pen pal you.

Frail Fish: Hmm? (coughs)

SpongeBob: I just wanted to say that today... Today... (reads the writing on his hand) "Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I promise to fly to the best of my ability just for you." Oh, I will not let you down. (the frail fish coughs and then punches his chest. SpongeBob punches his chest as if he believes that he is putting his hand on his heart) My heart is full too, Pen Pal. (sniffs) My heart is full too. (runs back to the starting line. The frail fish coughs up a Krabby Patty that had been stuck in his throat)

Frail Fish: Whew! That was a close one! What was that guy talking about? (eats Krabby Patty)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Feast your eyes upon one daring, death-defying, the Polaris, the incredible, flying sponge! (the audience cheers)

SpongeBob: Take off. Don't die. Fly a few seconds lower to the ground. Don't die. Slam. Don't die. So simple. (something taps SpongeBob on his shoulder. Turns around and sees a strange figure that looks like the grim reaper. Shrieks)

Grim Reaper Fish: (uncovers his hood) Steve's the name and scythes on the game! You need a scythe? Steve's got ya covered! One scythe fits all!

Sandy: Get outta here, Steve!

Steve: (walks away) Oh, I got a say in it.

SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm nervous. (Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants) No, it's still not that.

Sandy: Don't worry, SpongeBob. You'll be, uh, just fine. Yeah. (backs away and walks over to a group of firefighters and paramedics) Get ready, boys! The bronco is loose! I repeat, the bronco is loose!

SpongeBob: (looks at the control panel in nervousness) Just fine. (presses several buttons and the plane begins to warm up) Pen Pal, this one's for you. (plane drives down the runway and slowly begins to take off. Pulls down the lever and the plane starts to fly. The audience cheers in astonishment) Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw! (suddenly, to SpongeBob's surprise, Patrick is running on the runway below him)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter!

SpongeBob: Patrick? You're Pen Pal?

Patrick: (laughs) D'uh!

SpongeBob: But... but you said you were dying! You're not dying!

Patrick: Dying? Oh, oh! You didn't read the whole letter!

SpongeBob: (pulls out the letter) See? It says, "I wish I could watch you fly because I am dying!"

Patrick: (pulls out his second letter) And here's the second page! "To see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob. Here are some other things I like to see: candy rain, a firetruck full of clowns, and... a bunch of other stuff."

SpongeBob: It all makes sense now! (laughs) Oh, Patrick!

Patrick: (laughs along with SpongeBob as his letter slips off his hands) You thought I was dying! (as SpongeBob laughs, Patrick's second half of his letter flies into SpongeBob's face. SpongeBob screams in fear and he accidentally makes the plane fly out of control. The plane's wing scoops Patrick up and Patrick falls into the cockpit. The plane turns around and gets its' landing gear caught on a candy stand. SpongeBob continues to scream until Patrick takes the letter off SpongeBob's face) Watch out! (SpongeBob sees that his plane is flying straight towards Sandy, the firefighters and the paramedics. SpongeBob desperately tries to control the plane and makes it fly upwards. The plane is now flying upside down and begins to rain candy from the candy stand as the firefighters give chase) Candy rain, check! (the plane then flies towards a food vendor with two children. The kids and the vendor run away and the plane flies upwards. The candy stand hits the ice cream stand and splatters ice cream all over Sandy and the firefighters, making them appear with clown faces) Firetruck clowns, check! (the plane then flies into a flower-shaped cloud and bounces back and forth. The plane then spirals out of control and flies directly into a first class airplane)

SpongeBob: Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me! (plane comes out of the first class airplane. The airplane splits into two halves)

Passengers and Crew: Heave-ho! (the passengers and crew pull the airplane back in place

Patrick: Fly first class, check! (SpongeBob's plane turns around. SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in horror when they see the plane's left wing is falling apart)

SpongeBob: Ah, something's wrong with the plane! Here, take the controls! (jumps out of the cockpit and goes to fix the wing)

Patrick: Take what now? (grabs on the handle. SpongeBob fixes the wing and the plane continues to fly out of control. The plane then scoops up Abigail Marge, who is playing tennis with Sadie, and Perry, who is acting as referee. The firetruck with Sandy and the firefighters continues chasing after SpongeBob's plane. SpongeBob and Abigail play tennis as the plane continues to fly. SpongeBob hits the tennis ball and accidentally breaks Abigail's racket)

Perry: Match point, SpongeBob.

Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Check and check!

SpongeBob: (laughs) Hey, Patrick. Who's flying the plane?!

Patrick: I am! (SpongeBob runs back into the cockpit) No, wait. (SpongeBob and Patrick both hop in the cockpit. The plane begins to break down and shakes Abigail and Perry off. Sandy and the firefighters catch Perry and Abigail with a safety net. The plane flies around and is now driven off course)

SpongeBob: Hold on! We're going down! (plane breaks down and descends downward. SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror. Just as the plane is about to hit the ground, it stops in midair. SpongeBob and Patrick stop screaming. Sees that the plane's gasoline tank is completely empty) Whew! We ran out of gas.

Patrick: Uh, don't worry! I've got this! (fills SpongeBob's plane with gas) Yep! (SpongeBob's plane starts up again and smashes into the ground. Sandy and the firefighters arrive and try to put out the fire caused by the plane crash. SpongeBob and Patrick exit the plane unharmed) Thanks for helping me finish my list, SpongeBob. (Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants. This time, SpongeBob takes it)

SpongeBob: Patrick, it was my pleasure.

Patrick: Really? Well, if you don't mind, I have a couple of other things I'd like to see. (pulls out his list)

SpongeBob: Let's hear 'em.

Patrick: (reads list) "An edible balloon, a skateboarding snail, a tower of loose meat that tastes like ice cream, some ghosts..." (as SpongeBob and Patrick walk off into the sunset, Sandy and the firefighters struggle to put out the fire while two planes and a blimp fly around in the sky and people run around in panic)

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