Episode Transcript: Squid Baby
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Episode Article: Squid Baby
(episode begins with Squidward listening to the radio)
Determinator: A few droplets gently cascade over your body.
Squidward: Oh, yeah!
Determinator: Visualize yourself in a private grotto. Focus on your preseptions on the neighbor-stroner, as a soothing nature.
Patrick: (offscreen) Huh.
Determinator: You are one with nature.
Squidward: Ahh... (SpongeBob and Patrick giggle) What the...? Barnacles! (SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with baby toys)
Patrick: How do you like that, baby?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh Yeah. Well, how about this, baby? (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh)
Squidward: Question. Are you two acting more infantile than usual this morning?
SpongeBob: Aw huh. I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them. (Squidward pulls down blinds) Hey! My old teddy walrus! This stuff really takes me back. (hugs teddy walrus)
Patrick: (sucks on pacifier) Yeah. It makes me feel baby-ish. Oh! Look at me, I'm a baby! (sucks on thumb)
SpongeBob: Babies don't talk like that, Patrick. They talk like... Goo-goo! Ga-ga! (he and Patrick make baby sounds. Plays xylophone. Patrick plays with ring toss. Plays with mallet and whistle. Patrick still plays with ring toss. SpongeBob and Patrick are both playing with baby toys. Squidward gets angry and walks out of his house naked)
Squidward: Just as the essential oils were kicking in. (SpongeBob and Patrick play on a scooter) Hey! I'd appreciate some quiet! (SpongeBob and Patrick scoot away) How dare you scoot away from me. I'm scolding here. (SpongeBob and Patrick play with a Jack-in-the-Box) Would you two for once... act your age! (head from Jack-in-the-Box pops out. SpongeBob and Patrick cry) Fine! Act like infants your whole life! See if I care. I'm returning to my grown-up lifestyle. So KEEP IT DOWN! (slips on toy boatmobile. Gets head stuck in scooter and crashes into his mailbox)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! (Squidward's head swells up)
Patrick: Hey, he's mumblin' and droolin' like a little baby.
SpongeBob: He's isn't looking so good. We should take him to a doctor. Come on, let's take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Hang in there, buddy. We'll fix you up in no time. (SpongeBob and Patrick carries Squidward to the hospital)
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Hmmm?
SpongeBob: What's the prognosis doctor?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Your friend has a condition known by the medical term Head-go-boom-boom-itis. Not to worry though he recover over normally over time, but he mustn't receive any more blows to the head or he may stay this way permanently. Just care for his as he was your own bouncy baby boy and he'll be fine. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house)
Patrick: Hey, little Squidward. Ready for some fun? Whoop-ee-doo! (throws Squidward up to ceiling)
SpongeBob: Okay Squiddy, din din is ready. Where is our little miracle? (Squidward is stuck in the ceiling) Patrick, how could you?! (climbs up Patrick and pulls Squidward out of the ceiling) There, my little darling. We're supposed to protect his head, remember? (crashes top of high chair to Squidward's face) Okay Squiddy, I made your favorite. Grilled Tar Tar with an algae vinaigrette. (puts food on Squidward's high chair) Here it comes, open wide! (Squidward rejects food) Come on, little buddy. You got to grow up to become big and cranky. Launching now, the airplane in the hanger. (forces Squidward to eat) See, Patrick? Sometimes, you have to out-think the baby. (Squidward spits food at SpongeBob) You know Patrick, maybe... (Squidward throws plate)
Patrick: (licks food off SpongeBob) Thanks for sharing, baby. (bubble-wipe to later on)
SpongeBob: OK. Time to lighten things up. Do you like games Squiddy?
Patrick: Games is our middle name.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (playing Patty Cake or, in this case, "Kelpy Cake") Kelpy cake, kelpy cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you can! (Squidward claps)
SpongeBob: You like that, Squiddy?
Patrick: He does.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (trying to get Squidward to play Kelpy Cake) Kelpy cake... (Squidward slaps SpongeBob and Patrick and throws them up)
SpongeBob: This game's kinda dangerous. (Squidward crawls out the front door and into the road)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! (truck goes towards Squidward. Truck driver falls asleep) Squiddy, no!
Patrick: Don't worry. I got this. (lifts pavement and truck flies away. Sets pavement down. A fanfare plays)
SpongeBob: Hooray! Huh? Squidward! (Patrick lifts pavement) Squiddy, are you OK? (grabs Squidward. Patrick sets pavement down) We need to do a better job of protecting him. (truck crashes into Squidward's house. SpongeBob and Patrick put Squidward in a cage. Squidward cries) There, there now. No need to cry... (puts Squidward out of cage and tries to calm Squidward down)
Patrick: Don't worry. He'll be settled down in a couple of minutes. (SpongeBob and Patrick try to calm down Squidward. Time card appears)
French Narrator: 72 hours later.
Mr. Krabs: It's 1 minute till opening time. Where are me employees? I don't pay them to be late. (SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward appear)
Patrick: Taking care of a baby sure is hard.
SpongeBob: You said it! I'm exhausted! Hey, Patrick. I have to go to work. Would you mind holding Squidw- (Patrick falls asleep) Looks like we're on our own, little fella.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, Squidward, enough duff-dragging! Get to your stations, pronto!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties. (turns around to show Mr. Krabs that Squidward is a baby. Squidward makes baby noises) Poor guy has the mind of an infant.
Mr. Krabs: I don't care if you're a seaweed-for-brains. He needs to be behind that register. We've got customers out there just begging to hand me their money. (points to customers outside begging to come in with their money)
Mr. Krabs: No buts! Get to work, you two!
SpongeBob: (slams into the table and Squidward flies into his work station) All settled into your work station, I see. Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all! Now let's make it official! (hands Squidward a hat, which he rejects) Oh, how silly of me! (grabs a high chair and picks up Squidward) Squiddy needs a high chair! (puts the high chair near the register and puts Squidward in it. Squidward bangs his head on the cash register) And duct tape! (duct-tapes Squidward to the chair and puts his hat on) Oh, Squiddy! I'm so proud of you! Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me! And look at you now, working and sitting in a big boy seat! (eyes get full of tears)
Mr. Krabs: All right! That's enough, you two. Time to serve some customers! (customers race in to order)
SpongeBob: Remember, buddy! I'll be right behind you!
Billy: Can I get a Krabby Patty and a large kelp shake, please? (Squidward makes baby noises and hits his head with a rattle) OK, how much do I owe ya? (Squidward drools and sucks on Billy's hand)
SpongeBob: (peeks his head out the kitchen window) Squidward! That's not for eating! (takes a napkin and polishes Billy's hand) There we go. Good as newww! (Squidward sucks on Billy's head) That's not for eating either! (takes Squidward off Billy's head) Sorry, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Hop to it, boys. We haven't even taken our first order!
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Mr. Krabs. (hands Squidward a pencil and pad of paper) You know what to do. (Squidward grabs the pencil and paper and laughs, throwing the papers into the kitchen) Thanks, Squiddy. I can also count on yaa... (notices that Squidward doodled on the pieces of paper) Will this be for here or to go? (peeks out the kitchen window, where Squidward is laughing and tossing the papers around) You really need to work on your penmanship, Squiddy. (Squidward laughs and doodles on Nat's face)
Nat: My face! My face! Also my leg. But mostly my face!
Pilar: Hey! Are you going to take an order or what? (Squidward opens the register, hits his head and cries loudly)
SpongeBob: Squidward! Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You oughta be ashamed!
Pilar: Listen, man! I'm done playing these baby games! (notices the stench of Squidward's rotten diaper) Oh, my Neptune! (Squidward continues to cry and notices his stinky diaper)
Customers: What is that? What is it?
Mr. Krabs: What in blazes is going on he-- Whoa! Mr. Squidward! (Squidward bangs his head) Where are your manners?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, watch his head!
Mr. Krabs: Watch his head? Why don't you watch his diaper? (SpongeBob notices Squidward's stinky diaper) And get it changed!
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Yes, sir! (goes to a table to change the diaper, where customers are eating) Oh.
Fred: We're eating here!
SpongeBob: Sorry! (tries to change Squidward on the floor)
Customer: Hey, I'm trying to walk here!
SpongeBob: Sorry! (tries to change Squidward near the condiments)
Suzy: Hey, I was gonna get ketchup there!
SpongeBob: Sorry! (takes Squidward to the cash register to change him) OK, Squiddy! Hold still! And... oh, boy!
Mr. Krabs: Are you out of your ever-living mind?! We can't change that baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared. (customers get disgusted and leave) Oh, that's it! Get that poopy baby out of me restaurant!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then I'm not staying either! (slips on Squidward's baby rattle and ends up in the kitchen, where he bangs Squidward's head on the frying pans and ice machine. Ice ends up on Squidward's head. Gasps) Squidward! (Squidward turns back to normal)
Squidward: What the? Where am I? What's going on?
SpongeBob: Phew. Squidward, you're back to your normal grown-up self.
Squidward: Of course I'm grown up! Why wouldn't I be?! (notices he's wearing a diaper) Am I wearing a diaper?
Squidward: Is it full? (looks inside diaper) Aah!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward! I was going to change you, but I got distract... (Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth)
Squidward: Stop! Not another word about this. Ever!
SpongeBob: Kids, they grow up so fast.