Episode Transcript: Oral Report

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Squidward's School for Grown-Ups
Sweet and Sour Squid

Episode Article: Oral Report



(at the Krusty Krab, Squidward is reading a magazine called Everybody Abloom Now. He then puts magazine down, only to see hungry fish with weird faces. Billy slowly closes his eyes, only having to open them up again. Nat is seen falling out of his chair and licking the floor)

Squidward: SpongeBob, why aren't those orders up yet? (two fish are seen drooling hungrily with a fork and knife in their hand) SpongeBob! The collected blood sugar out here is getting dangerously low! (looks at stove) Why are you grilling index cards?

SpongeBob: Oh! Sorry, Squidward, just got a little distracted. (holds up index card) I'm practicing my oral report for Boating School tommorow.

Squidward: You know SpongeBob, statistics show that public speaking is the number three cause of stress. Right behind death and marriage. (turns face other way, then turns back quickly and angrily) Now, get those orders ready!

SpongeBob: Okay, okay! (takes off hat and patties come out and fall onto grill) Hmph, what's so scary about public speaking anyway? You stand in front of the public and speak, publicly. It's really no different then what I do everyday! (opens door, only to see hungry and angry costumers staring at him)

SpongeBob: No big deal, SpongeBob. You just stand in front of them. (costumers are very hungry with a spiral background) All of them... (backs up) ...looking... (backs away into kitchen, closes door slightly) ...at me! (closes kitchen door, and looks through window. Costumers are still drooling and hungry) With their eyes! No! Squidward was right, public speaking is frightening. (Squidward appears)

Squidward: (snatches tray from SpongeBob) Must I do everything myself? (looks back) Hey! You'll get your patty when it's your turn! (costumers pull Squidward) Whoa! (noises are coming from in the diner and things crashing with stars are flying through the diner. SpongeBob looks through the ordering window and ducks after a chair is thrown at window)

SpongeBob: I never knew a audience could get so physical (Squidward is thrown against wall below ordering window) This changes everything! (SpongeBob runs away, while Squidward is seen screaming and tossed up in the air by costumers. Bubble-wipe to Patrick's rock, with Patrick walking by. He opens the rock and sees SpongeBob)

Patrick: Oops, sorry. Wrong rock. (Patrick is pulled in by SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: (straightning out stool with sand) Patrick, I was wondering if you can help me by lending me your eyes.

Patrick: Okay, (grabs eyes and pulls) nuaahh!

SpongeBob: No no, no no! You can keep them! I just want you to watch me while I practice my speech up here. Just pretend you're a student at his desk.

Patrick: Okay. (walks to a desk and sits down. SpongeBob gets onto stool and is about to start his speech, but is interrupted by Patrick) H-h-hold on. I'd like to sit in the back of the class. (moves chair back a little, then moves it to the left a little)

SpongeBob: Okay, here goes. Boating safety is th-

Patrick: SpongeBob, (with his hand raised) can I have a hall pass?

SpongeBob: Oh, not now Patrick, just sit tight and let me practice.

Patrick: (rolls eyes) Fine.

SpongeBob: (clears throat) Boating Safet-

Patrick: Boring! Next!

SpongeBob: Patrick, you're kinda derailing the proceedings here, (two fingers up to SpongeBob's eyes) just focus on me, huh?

Patrick: (hands up to Patrick's lips as if he's yawning) Oh, alright (Patrick's face is up to SpongeBob's as the camera focuses on Patrick. He blinks)

SpongeBob: So without further ado- (Patrick is snoring while sleeping and drooling) Patrick. Patrick, wake up. (begins tapping on Patrick's head. Patrick wakes up) What happened, Patrick?

Patrick: Oh c'mon, SpongeBob. Do you think everyone can stay awake during your boring speech?

SpongeBob: I don't know, do you think that it's to much to expect?

Patrick: Yes! And you should be prepared for worst.

SpongeBob: Worst?

Patrick: You're gonna have things thrown at you you wouldn't believe! You gotta be ready! Try again.

SpongeBob: Okay (walks back up to the stool) Boating safet-ow! (pillow is thrown at him) Boating safet-ow! (lots of pillows are being thrown at him)

Patrick: (throwing pillows at SpongeBob) That's it! Fight through!

SpongeBob: (pops up through the pile of pillows and paints) Patrick,(panting) nobody throws pillows in class!

Patrick: Says you! Speech!

SpongeBob: Boating safe-

Patrick: (in a Mrs. Puff outfit and wig, imitating her voice) SpongeBob SquarePants, what a mess you've made of my classroom!

SpongeBob: You sorta had a hand in that too, Patrick.

Patrick: (Mrs. Puff imitation) Young man, how dare you? (writing on a slip of paper and gives to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: What, a detention slip?

Patrick: (still doing Mrs. Puff imitation; crosses arms) I'm not hearing a speech.

SpongeBob: Boating safety- (Patrick gives SpongeBob a treadmill)

Patrick: Do it again!

SpongeBob: (breathing heavily) Boating safety-

Patrick: (with headphones and some cymbals. Crashes cymbals. SpongeBob shakes and then trips) C'mon, SquarePants. Is this the best you can do?

SpongeBob: (while disintegrating by treadmill) Patrick, somehow I don't think this is working. (disintegrates until he's a pile)

Patrick: (walks over to SpongeBob) Speech!

SpongeBob: (Patrick's shout turns SpongeBob into himself) Whoa!

Patrick: Speech! Speech! Speech! (SpongeBob covers his ears) Speech! Speech! (Patrick's eyes start shouting) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

SpongeBob: Patrick, stop! Somehow your helpness isn't helping. I am more nervous about this oral report than I've ever been about anything. (shivers)

Patrick: Yeah, you do look pretty terrible.

SpongeBob: (still shivering) Well, if I don't do my report then I don't pass, and if I don't pass then I don't get my boating license! (cries)

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