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Episode Transcript: Squirrel Record
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Episode Article: Squirrel Record
Characters
Dialogue
(the episode starts with the Krusty Krab at nighttime. Inside, Squidward sleeps at the counter with a magazine on his face, then an alarm clock rings. Squidward wakes up and stops the alarm clock. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is about to flip a patty when Squidward pokes his head through the window)
Squidward: It's quitting time, SpongeBob. Go home. (SpongeBob continues to flip the patty) Quitting time! (SpongeBob sniffs the patty. Takes out a megaphone and shouts in it) GO HOME! (SpongeBob continues to ignore Squidward and flips the patty. He then looks at his watch)
SpongeBob: Oh my. It's time to go home. Squidward, what are you still doing here? (Squidward gets frustrated and screams, running out of the Krusty Krab; picking up the patty) What am I gonna do with you? I can't throw you away. (snaps his finger and puts the patty inside his wallet. A bad odor flies in and SpongeBob sniffs it) Bleh! (it is shown that the garbage can is where the bad odor is coming from) But I do have to throw away the trash. (cut to the back of the Krusty Krab, the door opens and a big smelly cloud of smoke comes out. It clears to reveal SpongeBob who is wearing a gas mask while holding the trash can. Walks over to the dumpster and dumps all the trash into it, then a book covered with trash comes up from the dumpster. Takes off his gas mask and picks up the book) What's this? Someone threw away a book. You shouldn't throw away books. (a big green slimy monster suddenly emerges from the dumpster. Screams at the sight of it. Throws the book at it, causing it to fall over. The slime dissolves to reveal that it was actually Sandy) Ooh, Sandy, you're a trash monster?
Sandy: Heck no. I was breaking a record for rooting around in a trash bin. It's all right here in the Guinness O' Ripley Enormous Book Of Curiousities, Oddities, and World Records. (turns page) Look-e here, SpongeBob. Staring Record. 5 days. Most fries up nose. Holding your breath.
SpongeBob: Wow!
Sandy: Yes siree! I swear by the power of Texas, I'm gonna break all the records in this here book! (bubble-wipe to the Treedome) What's the next challenge?
SpongeBob: Let's see. Ooh. World's longest tongue.
Sandy: Well, that's easy. (bubble-wipe to Sandy's tongue, which SpongeBob is pulling) 106, 107...
SpongeBob: Hold tight, Sandy.
Sandy: ...108, 109, 110!
SpongeBob: That's it, Sandy! You did it!
Sandy: Yeehaw! (crashes into SpongeBob. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob reading the Guinness O' Ripley Enormous Book of Curiousities, Oddities, and World Records)
SpongeBob: Let's see.... Yikes! Sweet mother of Pearl!
Sandy: Is it dangerous?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you could say that. You have to eat as much chum as you can.
Sandy: Chum, huh? That's not too bad.
SpongeBob: Raw!
Sandy: Raw?! (bubble-wipe to the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: You want what?
SpongeBob: One order of chum, please.
Sandy: Raw.
Plankton: Look, I know I'm an evil heartless mastermind, but no one can injest raw chum and survive!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well, Charlie Mackeral, the current record holder did.
Plankton: Really?
SpongeBob: For 30 seconds.
Plankton: Well, it's your funeral. (bubble-wipe to the Treedome. SpongeBob is in a toxic-proof suit. He grabs a spoon of chum and walks to Sandy who is cuffed)
SpongeBob: OK, Sandy, eat up.
Sandy: Uh, SpongeBob, I changed my mummh... (SpongeBob shoves the chum in Sandy's mouth. Screams breaking free) MUST MAKE WORLD RECORD!!!!
SpongeBob: Sandy, you did it! You survived! (chicken clucks, SpongeBob sees Sandy lying on the floor) Uh-oh. Hold on, Sandy! (takes off helmet) I know just what you need! (gasps and reaches into his wallet to grab a Krabby Patty) A Krabby Patty! (puts the Krabby Patty in her mouth and helps her chew and she rises up like as a rooster crows. Sandy coughs and gasps)
Sandy: I did it! I'm alive! I can't wait to show them experts the pictures of my record breaking feats.
SpongeBob: Oh no! I forgot my camera!
Sandy: What?! SpongeBob! I need photographic proof of my amazing deeds!
SpongeBob: I'll go get the camera.
Sandy: Well, hurry up! I got record breaking to do! (bubble-wipe to later on)
SpongeBob: Oh my. (sees robots)
Sandy: Got your camera?
SpongeBob: You bet ya! (camera is shown)
Sandy: Great! Take a picture of me chucking this last woodchuck to break the woodchuck chuckin' world record. Ready, Cousin Earl?
Cousin Earl: Let 'er rip, darlin'! (Sandy chucks Cousin Earl and SpongeBob takes a picture)
Record Robot: 100 woodchucks chucked. Record broken!
Sandy: Thanks for all your help, cousins! (cousins cheer) See you all next Christmas! Bye! (the woodchucks are sucked and spirited up)
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy! What is all this?
Sandy: I've decided to go about this scientifically. I feel with careful planning and precise dedication of appropriate tasks, I can manage the successful completion of the maximum number of records broken in the least amount of time! Book! Picture!
SpongeBob: (hands the picture) Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. (places the picture. Giggles) So, what's next? Oh yeah, longest tooth. So hows the calcium fusion going?
Robot: It is ready, Mrs. Cheeks.
Sandy: Outstanding! Here, hold this. (robot holds the book as Sandy administers the shot and the tooth grows. It continues to grow until she hits her head on the ceiling of the Treedome) How'd I do?
Record Robot: Please hold this end. (SpongeBob holds the end of the ruler as the robot stretches high) 35 feet. Record broken! (SpongeBob flies up to the ceiling and crashes making him fit in his helmet)
SpongeBob: Ouch!
Record Robot: Take a picture.
SpongeBob: Say "cheese"!
Sandy: Cheese! (picture is taken. Saws a giant part of the tooth off of her top tooth and slides down) Picture!
SpongeBob: Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. Next, spiciest chili gargle. (gargles on chili as SpongeBob takes a picture)
SpongeBob: Got it! You OK? (Sandy breathes fire like Bowser or Charizard. SpongeBob then sniffs) Do you smell soup?
Sandy: What's next?
Record Robot: Largest rubber band ball. (SpongeBob takes a picture, as Sandy lets go of the rubber band ball. SpongeBob gets crushed)
Sandy: Woohoo! What's next?
Record Robot: Most cobras milked. (Sandy milks cobras)
SpongeBob: (laughs) Say "cheese"!
Sandy: Cheese! (SpongeBob takes a picture)
SpongeBob: (nervous laugh) Nice snakes. (gets squeezed)
Sandy: Next!
Record Robot: Most walnuts in mouth. (Sandy gets a lot of walnuts in her mouth)
Sandy: Just! One! MORE! Oh no! (spits out walnuts at SpongeBob) Next!
Record Robot: Most chainsaws juggled.
Sandy: OK, shoot!
SpongeBob: (takes a picture) Got it! So uh, how do you stop?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: I said "How do you stop?"
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: How do you stop?
Sandy: Why, that's easy. I just stop and run like heck! (she and SpongeBob run) Not that way! (walks over to SpongeBob who is cut apart from the chainsaws) Come on, SpongeBob! Pull yourself together! We still got a ton of records to break! Oh yeah! You're gonna love this one!
SpongeBob: (putting himself together) I don't know, Sandy. It is getting kinda dangerous.
Sandy: Come on, you don't need your helmet. This one's outside! Follow me.
SpongeBob: Oh my.
Sandy: There it is, the world's largest house of cards!
SpongeBob: That's amazing! Get in front so I can take a picture.
Sandy: Nah, let's get a shot from the top!
Patrick: What the....? (notices the world's largest house of cards) Oh hey, it's Solitaire! I love this game! I take a touchdown! (ruins the house of cards. SpongeBob and Sandy scream as they fall from the top)
Sandy: What's next?
SpongeBob: Um, I think I smell Gary's sandbox better go clean it. Now! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house where SpongeBob goes to clean Gary's litter box) I think you broke a record today, Gary. World's Stinkiest Litter Box! Eww! (almost vomits) I'm worried about Sandy. She's got record-breaking fever!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You're right. She does need my help. I must stop this madness! It's all that book's fault! The book is evil! The book must be destroyed! (SpongeBob walks into the Treedome and kills the robot to disguise; robot voice) Why don't you take 5? I will hold the book.
Robot: Thank Neptune's gears. My wheels are killing me. (SpongeBob puts the book in his disguise but Sandy doesn't recognize him)
Sandy: Hey! Where do you think you're going? Get back in line. I need every available robot for this one. Most Robots built and destroyed in a day.
Record Robot: 656, 657... Oh, the artificial humanity.
Robot: (notices the disguised SpongeBob) Oh no, you don't! We're all in this together! (SpongeBob screams)
Record Robot: 679. Record broken!
Sandy: OK, shut 'er down!
Robot: Oh my!
Sandy: What's wrong with you?
Robot: My stomach feels funny.
Sandy: Well, let's have a look. SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Oh hey, Sandy. (robot groans)
Sandy: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: I came to save you from, from this book. I'm going to destroy it before someone gets killed! I don't wanna lose you, Sandy! (sobs) I don't wanna lose you!
Sandy: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob. I'm done with that book! I've beat every record in here. In fact, I've been finding the author who verified my evidence.
Author: Thank you. Yes... Oh my... well then... I'm afraid you've broken no records.
SpongeBob and Sandy: Huh?
Author: This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You, however, have sent a brand new record: "Most injuries sustained while helping a friend."
Sandy: Good for you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: (cracks) Um, hooray!
Author: Say "cheese"! (takes a picture as the episode ends)
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