Episode Transcript: Little Yellow Book

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Episode Article: Little Yellow Book



(episode begins at the Krusty Krab)

Squidward: (at the cash register) Ah, yes, just how I like it: nice and empty. (looks around at empty restaurant)

Old Man Jenkins: (sitting at a table) Hey, I'm still here. (waves)

Squidward: Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty. (looks around then sits down at the register. Presses a button revealing a slot with a pillow. Pulls down a picture of an island and turns on a fan. Drinks a drink and relaxes)

Customer: (looking over register) Do you work here?

Squidward: (spits his drink. Sighs) Welcome to the Krusty-- (sees large line of people and gasps) Well, there goes my nap. Multiple orders up! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Where are you! You need to get out here and make those Krabby Patties. (looks for SpongeBob in the kitchen. SpongeBob starts laughing from inside a barrel. Looks through barrel hole. SpongeBob is writing in book. Grumbles and sticks a megaphone into the hole) SpongeBob! (SpongeBob comes out of the megaphone like liquid) Get it together, SpongeBob. The dining room is full of ravenous customers. (customers are making monkey noises, chewing on things, and swinging from ropes)

SpongeBob: (goes to the storage freezer in liquid form and comes back out with a stack of patties) I got it. (spins like a tornado throwing the patties onto the grill. Presses button on spatula twice that makes it fold out to have triple length. Flips 3 patties and whistles)

Squidward: Hmm, what was that imbecile doing in there? (looks at barrel. Pulls out book) An old book?

SpongeBob: (looks back scared) Nothing. (takes book from Squidward and places it between the fryers)

Squidward: What's going on here? (SpongeBob gets all the patties into a stack and puts ingredients inside of himself. He jumps out to the dining area where he jumps onto the ceiling and shoots out Krabby Patties to the customers)

Customers: Thank you! (waving to SpongeBob. They take bites and give thumbs up to each other. SpongeBob continues to shoot out Krabby Patties. Customers clap)

Old Man Jenkins: Excuse me. I wanted pickles on mine. (SpongeBob taps head twice, shooting pickles onto Krabby Patty. Squidward looks from the kitchen to the main area of the Krusty Krab)

Squidward: Hmmm. (picks up book from between the fryers) If SpongeBrain is keeping the book away from me, then I have no choice but to read it. (SpongeBob walks in to kitchen)

SpongeBob: I'll take that, thank you. (takes book. Bubble-wipe to him sitting on top of a barrel, writing in the book)

Squidward: (looking through kitchen window with his nose hanging over) There he goes again. Scribbling away in that little book. (turns back around) I must admit, my curiosity is piqued. I guess I'm piqued to peek at that book. (laughs. Rimshot is heard. Sighs) Oh, puns. (wipes away tears from laughing)

Old Man Jenkins: (sitting at a table) Ha.

Squidward: (holding brown bag) Hey SpongeBob, you need to make a delivery.

SpongeBob: (closes the book, sets it down, and turns towards Squidward) Okie-dokie!

Squidward: The address is on the bag.

SpongeBob: I got it. (walks out of kitchen)

Squidward: (whistles and walks to the book. Picks the book up and gasps) It's a diary! Oh-ho-ho. This is gonna be good. (attempts to open the diary, but there's a lock) Huh? Drat, it's locked. (tries to pry lock open) Hmm. I need a hairpin. (Mr. Krabs is in his office writing on paper. Reaches behind him and pulls out a hairpin. Mr. Krabs' hair puffs out into an afro. Unlocks the lock with the pin. Opens the diary. It glows and a heavenly choir sings) And now... the diary of a moron. (reading diary) "Dear diary, what an amazing... (cross-fade to SpongeBob narrating the story) 

SpongeBob: ...day I've had. (phone ringing) This morning, I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. (answers phone) He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. (phone growls at SpongeBob. Walks to Squidward's house) He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. (knocks on door. Squidward answers and holds of Gary angrily. Gary is chewing on something. Squidward shoves Gary to SpongeBob) Specifically, what not to feed them. (Squidward holds up record album that now reads "Sole Jazz" and throws it at SpongeBob) The list was very thorough. (Squidward holds up torn shirt on hanger then a picture of his mother with a bite taken out of it) Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. (Squidward throws picture on ground and jumps on it) It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- (Squidward yelling in SpongeBob's face) Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intentioned those words are. (Squidward point and poking SpongeBob angrily) Knowing I have a tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. (Gary bites Squidward's hand. Squidward punts SpongeBob) And I was hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year, (lands at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs unlocks the front door) cleaning day! (mops the floor, while Mr. Krabs is reading a newspaper) Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, (scrubs the floor) and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. (Mr. Krabs uses SpongeBob as chimney sweep) Ah yes, cleaning day (narration ends. Cross-fade back to Squidward)

Squidward: Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.

SpongeBob: (knocks on door) Well, I don't know. Something about this delivery address doesn't seem right. (walks to a dumpster. Gasps) Wait a minute. Squidward! He must have been the victim of a prank phone call. Poor Squidward. He can be so gullible. (sets the delivery in the dumpster)

Patrick: (comes up from inside the dumpster) Oh, boy! (looks in bag) A ketchup packet! That'll go great on this old diaper. (holds up ketchup and diaper)

SpongeBob: (walks back into the Krusty Krab. Chuckles) Oh, Squidward! You are gonna laugh when you hear what I've... (Squidward crouches down to hide) been. Squidward? Where are you? Could have swore I just saw him. 

Squidward: (nervously sweating) SpongeBob, uh, one of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet, and I need you to fish it out. (holds up plunger and hanger)

SpongeBob: (takes hanger and plunger) Duty calls. (Squidward takes diary out from inside his hat. He opens it, turns the page, and laughs. His laugh turns into a cough as he sees a large customer at the register)

Customer #2: You laughing at me?

Squidward: What? Oh, no. No, no, no. I was just reading what SpongeBob wrote in his diary. It's hilarious.

Customer #2: Reading somebody else's diary? That's terrible! Tell me more!

Squidward: It says here, when SpongeBob sees plaid, he has the uncontrollable urge to cluck like a chicken. (both laugh)

Mr. Krabs: (walks to the register. He is wearing a kilt) Did somebody say plaid? Why I'm a plaid enthusiast. I just got me new kilt today.

Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob. Can you come here, please.

SpongeBob: (walks out of restroom with tire, umbrella, guitar, anchor, and Old Man Jenkins) I couldn't find that watch anywhere. All I found was this stuff.

Old Man Jenkins: I fell in.

SpongeBob: And that guy. 

Squidward: What do you think of Mr. Krab' new plaid kilt?

SpongeBob: P-p-p-p-plaid? (face doubles with 2 mouths. Throws all the stuff)

Old Man Jenkins: Hey! (SpongeBob starts clucking and crows like a rooster)

Mr. Krabs: Well, you don't have to be nasty about it! (walks away while Squidward and Customer #2 laugh. SpongeBob continues clucking)

SpongeBob: (slaps himself) Avert your eyes, SquarePants. (covers eyes) I have to take my break! (runs through the kitchen out back. Pulls out bubble soap. Blows a bubble. Sighs)

Squidward: (reading to customers) Listen to this: SpongeBob has named his spatula "Fifi." (customers all laugh)

Customer #3: He named his spatula Fifi.

Nat: He named his spatula Fifi. (telling customer behind him. Customers laugh) What kind of name is Fifi? (Patrick laughs loudly) Who ever heard of naming a spatula Fifi? It's a girl's name! Right, Frank? (holds up his own spatula)

SpongeBob: (walks out of kitchen holding spatula) I'm back from my break. Any orders, Squidward?

Patrick: Yeah, cook me up a Krabby Patty... with good old Fifi.

SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh, sure thing. (runs to kitchen) Fifi, how did Patrick know your name? Have you been talking?

Squidward: Oh, oh, this is the best one yet. Get this. "If I hear the Bikini Bottom Municipal Anthem, I can't help but take off all my clothes and dance around in my underwear!" (everyone laughs) Quiet, quiet, quiet. Watch this. (pulls out radio and plays the anthem. SpongeBob calmly throws spatula and takes off clothes. He dances around. Everyone laughs and the music stops)

SpongeBob: My diary! Squidward! How could you?! (cries and runs into the dining area with everyone laughing at him. Runs into Mr. Krabs and clucks like a chicken. Continues crying and runs out the door)

Nat: That was that little dude's diary? (door slams)

Customers: (overlapping murmuring) That is not okay. That was uncool.

Mr. Krabs: That's low Squidward... even for you. You'd better apologize.

Squidward: (scoffs) He'll get over it. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob crying outside of the Krusty Krab. Scats and hums. Pulls out an umbrella as he walks by SpongeBob crying)

Paperboy: Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. (holding up newspaper)

Squidward: Oh boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. (cover of paper shows sad photo of SpongeBob. Laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Fish glare at him) Taxi! (waves. Taxi tires screech)

Driver: (notices Squidward) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.

Squidward: Yes, I am. (taxi driver drives off. Coughs in the exhaust. Continues walking)

Fish #1: Diary thief!

Fish #2: Jerk!

Fish #3: Secret stealer!

Fish #4: Bill, you stay away from that mean, old diary reader.

Squidward: Morons. (bubble-wipe to him walking to his front door)

Fish #5: Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. (holds up load papers) We are repossessing your house.

Squidward: (coughs) What?

Fish #5: Take it away, boys! (house is lifted away with crane. Thunder crashes and it starts to rain. Squidward puts up his umbrella and gets hit by lightning)

Squidward: Ow. (bubble-wipe to him laying on a bench with newspapers over his body. The papers blow away)

Officer Nancy: (taps Squidward on head with club) Hey, you can't sleep here, fella. (horn honks) Wait a second, you're that diary reader! I had a diary once. My brother read it! I had a brother once. Come on, fella! We have a special place for people like you! (Squidward is locked in a pillory)

Patrick: (throws tomato at Squidward) Diary reader!

Squidward: What?! You read it too!

Patrick: Oh, sure, blame everyone but yourself. Oh, that is so you. (throws tomato at Squidward and walks away. Squidward grunts)

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. How's it going?

Squidward: SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.

SpongeBob: What for?

Squidward: For reading your diary.

SpongeBob: Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published. It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you. (holds up book titled "SpongeBob's Diary") Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary. (holds up book titled "My Secret Personal Diary" with a unicorn, smiley face, heart, and rainbow in it) Now, that would have been really embarrassing.

Nat: There he is! That diary reader! (group of fish is holding tomatoes) Let's get him!

Crowd: Yeah! (shouting angrily)

SpongeBob: People, people. Stop your assault. Through my art, as an author, I have forgiven Squidward.

Nat: Oh yeah, did you know he's reading your personal diary? (Squidward laughs)

SpongeBob: Squidward! How could you?! (cries and runs away again. Crowd murmurs angrily. They throw tomatoes at Squidward)

Squidward: I don't care. This is so worth it. (laughing)

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