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Episode Transcript: A Friendly Game
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Episode Article: A Friendly Game
Characters
Dialogue
(SpongeBob's alarm rings. His house blows toward Squidward's house. Squidward wakes up in dread. Sand hands then cover the house's ears. SpongeBob, in brown plaid, poses for one second, then runs to Patrick's house)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Tee time, Patrick! Patrick! (cut to Squidward) Tee time, Patrick! (cut to Patrick's house) Patrick! Wake up!
Patrick: (laughs) Ready to lose? Weather permitting, of course. (a rumbling sound is heard. Then storm clouds move in and a thunderstorm occurs)
SpongeBob: Aw, how are we supposed to golf in this this downpour? Our putters are getting waterlogged. (twists putter)
Patrick: Dumb rain! Doesn't anybody know I'm the sheriff in these parts? (points to sky with putter) Hey, rain! You better stop that! (gets shocked by lightning and screams, becoming a pile of ash. Squidward is grumbling and covers his head with his blanket)
Squidward: (opens window) If you two don't mind, could you keep it down to a low rumble?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Sorry, Squidward.
SpongeBob: I guess we were just too upset about the rain and how...
Squidward: Don't care. (closes window. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house)
SpongeBob: (sighs) I was really looking forward to a day of sportsmanship and male bonding. Thanks a lot, rain! (slams fist onto table and makes golf ball ricochet off of door, then Gary, into Gary's food bowl) Hey, (raises finger) that gives me an idea. (card comes up reading "BRIEF CONSTRUCTION MONTAGE")
French Narrator: What follows is a brief construction montage. (montage shows SpongeBob and Patrick hammering on boards, ripping a sofa, pouring sand, drilling holes, filling holes with water, making holes, and taking Gary's shell off. Cut back to card) We hope you enjoyed this brief construction montage. (cut to outside of house, with sounds and SpongeBob's house shaking. Cut to inside of Squidward's house)
Squidward: (grumbles, then gets so angry his sleep mask burns off. Puts three pillows on a desk and ties them to his face with a rope. But he still hears them, then rips pillows off and screams. Walks to SpongeBob's house with umbrella. Cut to inside, where SpongeBob and Patrick are constructing) Hey! Hello?! Nitwit, morons. (Patrick hits Squidward with a hammer. Screams)
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward. Up from your slumber, I see. Well, you're just in time to endure in a friendly game of indoor miniature golf! (course is shown)
Squidward: I will not indulge in anything friendly or otherwise with the likes of you two! Presently, I am heading to enjoy a well-deserved morning nap!
Patrick: But we sculpted your likeness out of butter on hole five. (cut to sculpture)
Squidward: I don't care! Listen up, I will not be woken from my nap again, and if I am, I'm gonna...
Patrick: Join us on the back nine?
Squidward: Just don't let it happen again! Or else. (leaves)
SpongeBob: Let's get this game teed off. (two balls, colored red and blue, come out of his head. Catches them and places a ball and tee on grass) You're up first, my good man. (Patrick stretches and yawns. Then he stomps and ululates)
Squidward: I am warning you two, keep it down!
SpongeBob: Better tone down the calisthenics, Patrick. Don't want to upset Squidward.
Patrick: Can't wait to lose, huh? (aims, pulls back, and shoots. Blue-colored ball almost goes in the hole, but it ricochets back to the tee) NO! Ooh, if you would just let me finish my stretches, I wouldn't have missed my first shot!
SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Patrick, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. (places ball on tee) Besides, we're just playin' for fun, right? And back, and- (shoots red-colored ball, which goes in the hole)
Patrick: Nice shot. (moves blue ball)
SpongeBob: What are you doing?
Patrick: Moving my ball.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you have to play it where it lands.
Patrick: Fine. Have it your way. (moves ball back to original place and shoots. This time, the ball goes in the hole) Ready to give up? (bubble-wipe to a hole with a mini-windmill) Ha! Let's see how you do against the windmill. You haven't got a chance.
SpongeBob: You know, Patrick, this is just a game.
Patrick: Oh, it is just a game, which I am gonna win.
'SpongeBob: I think you're missing the point. (aims for a practice shot)
Patrick: Speaking of m-m-MISSING! (SpongeBob shoots by accident, startled by Patrick. Red ball fails to get past the mini-windmill) Ha! Gotta play it where it lands. Watch and learn, SquarePants. Watch and learn. (shoots and his ball goes in the hole) YES! See if you can top that!
SpongeBob: (uneasily) Okay.
Patrick: (with microphone and headphones) SpongeBob readies the approach shot. He's gotta be very careful he doesn't hook the shot here, because this would certainly be an inopportune time for a bogey. (leaves. SpongeBob swings but stops) A pressure-packed shot to be sure. (leaves again. SpongeBob sweats and wipes his forehead, then shoots. Ball stops right before it's about to go in the hole)
Bikini Bottomites: Awww... (all whisper. Bubble-wipe to a new hole)
Patrick: Looks like we're tied, three shots to three.
SpongeBob: Three shots? (chuckles) They're called strokes in golf, Patrick. Not shots.
Patrick: Whatever. (shoots and his ball goes in the hole) AND HE SINKS ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE! That's two in a row!
SpongeBob: All right. You wanna play competitive, eh? Observe. (shoots and his ball also goes in the hole) Right between the old wickets. Come on, bally, don't fail me now.
Patrick: Watch out for the water hazard.
SpongeBob: Patrick, the only hazard I can see is you standing in my shot.
Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about.
SpongeBob: Fine. Be that way. I'll just go around you. (shoots ball. The ball ricochets off of a picture, through the head of the Squidward sculpture and out the window) Oops.
Patrick: Show-off. I can do that. (shoots his ball. SpongeBob ducks and the ball goes out the window)
SpongeBob: Oh, where did our balls go?
Patrick: Well, how do I know? I was just copying you.
SpongeBob: (side of Squidward's house with a broken window is shown) Uh-oh. Oh well, I guess that's game point.
Patrick: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, hold on there, fella. It's not over yet.
SpongeBob: But remember what Squidward said? We can't make any noise!
Patrick: Who said anything about noise? We're just gonna get outta the rough and back to the course!
SpongeBob: Hey! Patrick. Patrick! What's the big idea? I thought we were in here to play golf, remember?
Patrick: Okay, okay!
SpongeBob: Now, where is that darn ball?
Patrick: Oh!
SpongeBob: Patrick, have you seen by ball?
Patrick: Was it a red one?
SpongeBob: M-hmm.
Patrick: It might have been in the kelp salad.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you ate my ball?
Patrick: Don't worry, I'll get it.
SpongeBob: Patrick, no.
Patrick: No?
SpongeBob: I have to play the ball where it lies. (goes inside Patrick and opens his mouth) You'll need to leave this open. (goes back inside) Now, let's see, if I was a golf ball, where would I-oh! Next to the gallbladder, of course. Fore! (the ball goes through the wall and hits a lamp) Where's your ball?
Patrick: I don't know. Got to be around here somewhere. (ball is seen between Patrick's buttocks on the outside of his pants)
SpongeBob: There it is!
Patrick: Uh-oh.
SpongeBob: Play it where it lies.
Patrick: (angrily grumbling. Bubble-wipe to him shooting it and ricocheting off a cabinet to a overhead desk lamp, picture, and through a wall) Hole in one! Top that!
SpongeBob: I could do that blindfolded. (Patrick hands him a blindfold. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob, now blindfolded. Hits a door. Feels around to identify it and slams the door)
Patrick: Wait up! Warmer. Warmer. Red hot!
SpongeBob: (slams a door) Aha!
Patrick: Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hotter. Red hot! Red hot! (SpongeBob splits a table) Wait, My mistake. You're right. Oh, Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hot. Red hot. Red hot! SpongeBob, red hot! (SpongeBob kills a plant) Wrong again.
SpongeBob: Patrick... (takes the blindfold slightly off to peek out)
Patrick: Stop peeking! Hotter. (SpongeBob wrecks Squidward's house along the way) Hotter! Hot! Hot! Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot! Cold.
SpongeBob: Patrick! This is ridic... (sees Squidward's wrecked house) ...ulous. Wow. Squidward's really let this place go. (Patrick is in Squidward's bathtub. SpongeBob walks in) Patrick...what are you doing?!
Patrick: I was just freshening up. But these fancy fixtures are touchy. (turns the shower water on hot. Steam builds up around Patrick) Hot! Red hot! (turns the shower water cold) Ah! Cold! Cold! Cold! (SpongeBob turns the shower off)
SpongeBob: Would you please get back in the game?
Patrick: But I wanted to try his loofah. (pulls out a sponge-like loofah. SpongeBob pulls him out of the tub)
SpongeBob: Those balls have got to be around here somewhere. Oh, Patrick.
Patrick: Uhh, look a little closer, buddy.
SpongeBob: (uneasily) Play it where it lies?
Patrick: Play it where it lies.
SpongeBob: But how are we gonna hit our balls back to my house from here?
Patrick: All it takes is a little finesse, SpongeBob. All it takes is a little finesse.
SpongeBob: Okay, you're good to go.
Patrick: Fore! (wrecks top front of house) It's all yours.
SpongeBob: This one's for all the marbles. (Squidward is blindfolded and given ear plugs. The balls are placed on him)
Patrick: But I thought we weren't betting.
SpongeBob: No, I mean whoever wins this hole wins the game. (Squidward wakes up and takes off his blindfold to see SpongeBob and Patrick talking)
Squidward: (muffled) What's going on here? (screams. SpongeBob and Patrick shoot, landing the balls in Gary's food bowl and spilling liquid on him)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hole in one! (Squidward sits up)
SpongeBob: Good morning.
Patrick: Sorry we woke you.
Squidward: (muffled and stammering) Wha-What? (his mouth is shown, with no dentures)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, what happened to your dentures? (cut to Gary, with dentures in his bowl)
Patrick: Good game, pal.
SpongeBob: Rematch next Saturday?
Patrick: Rain or shine, SpongeBob. Rain or shine. (thunderstorm, by now just a typical rain shower, ends. Squidward's house collapses)
Squidward: (muffled) SpongeBob?!
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