Episode Transcript: Money Talks

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==Dialogue==
 
==Dialogue==
(Squidward is sleeping)<br>
 
  
'''Patrick''': Will you please pass the chips, SpongeBob?<br>
+
(at the Krusty Krab)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Uh Sorry, Patrick, we're all out.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': May I help you, sir?<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Aw, barnacles! (Squidward begins waking up) What am I gonna do with all this dip? (SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting in chairs beside Squidward's bed)<br>
+
'''Customer''': I'd like that table over by the window. (points to the table behind him where an elderly couple is sitting)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Patrick!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': As soon as the present customers are done with it. They like to chew their food thoroughly.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': AHHHHHHHHHHHH! What are you two morons doing?<br>
+
'''Lady''': 97... 98... 99...<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Waiting to watch the sunrise...with you.<br>
+
'''Man''': Don't rush me, woman!<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (Holds up a timer that says 3:47 A.M) At 3:47 A.M in the morning?!!<br>
+
'''Customer''': Perhaps this will speed up the process. (shows him some money)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Uh-huh.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': How will that help them chew faster?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': In my bedroom?!!!!<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, what's the problem?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': We come here every morning.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': No problem, I was just telling this customer he needed to wait for his favorite table.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': You sneak into my house every morning?!<br>
+
'''Customer''': Five bucks if I get the table now. (Mr. Krabs kicks out the elderly couple)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Uh-huh. (Squidward groans)<br>
+
'''Lady''': Ow, my hip.<br>
  
'''Patrick''': It's our favorite pasttime. (Squidward growls as Patrick holds up a green flag and a #1 glove and waves them around)<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (ties a bib around the customer's neck) Enjoy your meal. Let me know if you need anything else.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Ah, the memories we've shared, right in this room. It's all here in this memory book. (points to pictures) Here we are on the 4th of July (Shows them wearing Uncle Sam Hats and fireworks while Squidward is dressed as the Statue of Liberty). And Valentine's Day (Shows them wearing heart hats). Oh, you look so cute on Easter. (Shows them wearing Bunny outfits) (Squidward is groaning angrily) What's wrong Squidward?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Why did you give him the table?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Do you remember what I told you happens to my brain every time I see you?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': You know what they say: "money talks". (kisses the money)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''' & '''Patrick''': (gasp) Story time!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I didn't know money could talk. Did it tell you to kick those old people out? (talking to money) What do you
 +
have against old people?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Can I tell it this time, Squidward? Pretty please? Whenever Squidward sees us, the storm clouds in his brain roll in and a nasty storm rages. So, Squidward's happy gland is forced to take shelter in the recesses of his mind. But the happy gland can't find a recess deep enough, so he gets the flu and has to stay in bed until we leave. (happy gland sneezes)
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Don't go goofy on me, boy. Money can't really talk. Only fish can talk.<br>
<br>
+
  
'''Squidward''': And that is why I will never, for as long as I live, and throughout all time and eternity, ever...<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Wouldn't it be neat if money could talk?<br>
  
'''Narrator''': 3 hours later...<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (chuckles) Yeah. Wait a minute...<br>
  
'''Squidward''': And with every fiber of my being, I know that I never want to see you two again...<br>
+
'''Squidward''': (music begins) What's that music?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Squidward?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I think Mr. Krabs is gonna sing.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': ...for as long as time shall stand.<br>
+
'''Squidward''': Oh, great.
  
'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Squidward?<br>
 
  
'''Squidward''': What? (sun rises)<br>
 
  
'''SpongeBob''' & '''Patrick''': Ohh...<br>
+
'''Music:''' "[[If I Could Talk To Money]]"
  
'''SpongeBob''': Thanks for sharing this moment with us, Squidward.<br>
+
If I could talk to money
 +
How great my life would be
 +
We'd tell each other secrets
 +
All their friends would visit me
  
'''Squidward''': GET OUT!!! (cut to later where Squidward is putting up an electric fence to separate him from the neighbors) Perfect.<br>
+
I'd bathe in filthy riches
 +
Which is clean enough for me!
 +
Oh, if you could tell me what you want
 +
How happy we would be
  
'''SpongeBob''': Wow, that's a nice one. Thanks for inviting us to your big fence warming party.<br>
+
We'd surely be the best of friends
 +
We'd never disagree
 +
There wouldn't be a downside
 +
Not one that I could see
  
'''Squidward''': (realizes) Oh, of course. Come, take a seat. The picnic's about to start. (cut to later)<br>
+
If I could talk to money
 +
Come along, sing with me!
  
'''SpongeBob''': Oh, this is so neat.<br>
+
'''Squidward''': Uh, no thanks, I got to go.
 +
'''SpongeBob''': I really have to pee.
  
'''Patrick''': I've never picnicked on a catapult before. Have you, Sponge... (both are launched over the fence)<br>
+
If I could talk to money
 +
And it could talk to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
 +
We'd always be the best of friends
 +
For all eternity
  
'''Squidward''': It worked! Now I'll just turn on the electric fence. (does so) Now, they'll never get back in. (SpongeBob & Patrick land inside the fenced area)<br>
+
(Mr. Krabs chortles) <br>
  
'''Patrick''': Let's do it again.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (comes out of the bathroom) What did I miss?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Let's do it again.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh... (starts to sing but customers walk away. Cut to later that night at Mr. Krabs' house) Parlez vous Francais? Hable Español? Oo-yay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay? (uses stethoscope on money) Mm-hmm. (turns on a light over the money) Maybe this will make you talk. Talk! You're being too hard on the little guy. You can talk to me. I'm your friend. (cries) I would give anything to talk to money. Anything! (Flying Dutchman appears)<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Can we Squidward?<br>
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': Anything?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Huh?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': You?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': What? No! (points to the door) Get out!<br>
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': That's right. 'Tis I, the ominous Flying Dutchman. I'll grant your wish but it'll cost you. (contract
 +
appears in front of Mr. Krabs)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': But...<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Yeah, yeah, my immortal soul. I've heard that speech before. (signs contract)<br>
  
'''Squidward''': No! You're going out this door, right now... (touches the doorknob and gets electrocuted)<br>
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': Wha...? Well, uh, great. But be warned!<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': You're not angry at us, are you Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? (Squidward's brain is not storming anymore and has a rainbow over it) Okay then. You look like you need some alone time. We'll be at the petting zoo if you want us.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Yeah, yeah, skip the lecture. I want what's coming to me.
  
'''Squidward''': Do they have cute sea horses there?<br>
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': Humph, you're no fun at all, you know that? (gets out some magic dust from his pouch)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, they're pretty adorable.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Hey, is that pixie dust? (Flying Dutchman throws the dust in his eyes, causing him to scream. Mr. Krabs wakes up)
 +
Whew, that was a strange dream.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': And the little scallops that nibble on your fingers when you feed them?<br>
+
'''Money''': You think that was a strange dream? I dreamed I was trapped in a prison made of peanut butter.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Oh, yeah.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Who said that?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Can I come?<br>
+
'''Money''': Down here.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''' & '''Patrick''': Oh...yeah. (cut to a montage of events: Squidward petting a sea horse, riding in a wagon while SpongeBob and Patrick pull him, riding a ferris wheel, and taking pictures in a photo booth. Later, a bus drops them off in front of Squidward's house. Squidward runs inside) Good night, Squidward.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (Looks under his blanket and pulls out a nickel) Hey, it's a nickel. What were you doing in my belly button, little fella?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, did you notice something slightly different about Squidward?<br>
+
'''Nickel''': I got stuck in there during your last coin shower. (shudders) I don't want to talk about it.<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Uh, new glasses?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (takes his wallet and takes out a five-dollar bill) Do you have anything to say to me?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': No, no, I mean, he seems happier.<br>
+
'''Dollar Bill''': Yeah, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (peeks his head out his bedroom window) Good night, Bikini Bottom. I love you! (closes window)<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': It worked! I can talk to money. Oh...<br>  
  
'''Patrick''': He's probably happy about his new glasses. (cut to next day when SpongeBob wakes up to his foghorn alarm. He turns off his alarm but he pokes Squidward's nose instead)<br>
+
'''Nickel''': Please, don't start singing again. (bubble-wipe to the next day, at the Krusty Krab)<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Good morning, SpongeBob. Honk! (makes alarm sound at SpongeBob)<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (entering) Don't worry, darlings. Soon you'll be rejoined with all your friends. (kisses his money)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, what are you doing here?<br>
+
'''Old Lady''': Oh, my, why don't you kiss me like that?<br>
  
S'''quidward''': You were right, SpongeBob. Watching the sunrise ''together'' is much better.<br>
+
'''Old Man''': Don't start.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': (laughs) Oh, yeah. I forgot. The new Squidward. (gets out of bed) I guess I'd better get ready for work. (Looks back and Squidward waves to him) Boy, the new Squidward sure is friendly. (SpongeBob reads the newspaper while sipping his coffee. Squidward grabs his coffee cup) (laughs haltingly) The new Squidward sure is helpful. (cut to SpongeBob brushing his teeth) Ah.. Huh?(Squidward is flossing SpongeBob’s teeth) (laughs) The new Squidward sure is hygienic. (SpongeBob and Squidward walk to work together) Boy...the new Squidward sure is chummy. (tries to get away but Squidward sticks back to him) (cut to Krusty Krab) Ah, this is more like it. Just me, my grill, and you, Mister Smiley Face Krabby Patty. No one can come between us. (Squidward squeezes between them)<br>
+
'''Squidward''': That'll be five dollars. (puts money in register)
  
'''Squidward''': Hello, SpongeBob.<br>
+
'''Five-Dollar Bill''': Hey, dudes.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Ah! S-S-Squidward! Aren't you supposed to be out front?<br>
+
'''Money''': Run, jump! Jump out! Jump out! (Mr. Krabs closes the register and chuckles)<br>
  
'''Squidward''': I wanted to help you work.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (opens up his safe) Good morning, my darlings.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': What? Oh, that's silly talk, Squidward. I'm chief fry cook, and we fry cooks are supposed to work alone. And, uh... (pokes his head out the order window) ...we're not supposed to get distracted while we're cooking, Squidward!<br>
+
'''Money''': Good morning, Mr. Krabs.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': Mr. Squidward! (grabs him and brings him out front) Stop distracting SpongeBob and service the customers!<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': You're coming home with me.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (runs to a table, where a family is eating) How are we today? Everything a-okay here?<br>
+
'''Money''': Yay!<br>
  
'''Tom''': What do you mean?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (walks by...) SpongeBob, I did it. I can talk to money. (shows him a bag of money) Go ahead, say hello.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': How's your meal? Anyone want tartar sauce? I have an idea. How about a free Krusty Krab Junior crew hat for the little tyke. (Plops the hat on the child's head)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Hello... money.<br>
  
'''Kid''': Mommy, I'm scared.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (laughs) Oh, aren't they a riot? (walks out of the Krusty Krab)<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Who wants a free refill?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I'm starting to worry about Mr. Krabs.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': (in my office) Did somebody just say "free"? (runs out of his office) What's the problem here?<br>
+
'''Squidward''': I'm worried he just left with my paycheck. (cut to Mr. Krabs' house where he's on the floor with his money)<br>
  
'''Kid''': (Starting to cry with tears in her eyes) He-he...he asked me if I wanted tartar sauce, and then he gave me a free hat!<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Now that we're alone, let's tell each other secrets.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': Free?! (His eyes dry up) Mr. Squidward!<br>
+
'''One-Dollar''': What kind of secrets are you talking about?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Yes, sir.<br>
+
'''Dime''': Yeah, we live in a safe.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': Listen up. My customers come here for cheap food and verbal abuse, and if you don't get it right, get back in the kitchen with SpongeBob. (SpongeBob comes out of the bathroom and sees Squidward holding a plate of patties)<br>
+
'''Money''': Yeah!
  
'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, what are you doing here?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': You have any friends you can invite over?
  
'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs told me to help you, so I made Krabby Patties, you see?<br>
+
'''One-Dollar''': Aren't we enough for you?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Tsk-tsk-tsk... Oh, these will never do. Besides, it takes years of practice. You'd never be up to it. Sorry. (he is about to throw the patties in the trash when Mr. Krabs comes in)<br>
+
'''Dime''': Yeah, what's wrong with us?<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob? What do you think you're doing with those patties?<br>
+
'''Money''': Yeah!<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Oh, these are no good, Mr. Krabs. Squidward made 'em.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Nothing, nothing. You guys are great. I thought you guys might want some company, you know, to make you happy.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': They look All right to me.<br>
+
'''Money''': Why don't you ask what would make us happy?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': But he's not a real fry cook.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': OK, so how can I make you happy?<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': He is now. Give him an apron and put him to work. You know, he might be as good a fry cook as you. (SpongeBob whimpers and his eyes shrink and fall inside his body. Bubble-wipe to later where both SpongeBob and Squidward are at the grill)<br>
+
'''Money''': Spend us!<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (Turns and notices the Employee of the Month pictures on the wall) Wow, SpongeBob! You've been employee of the month a gazillion times. I wish I could be employee of the month.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': What?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Actually, Squidward, in point of fact, I've been Employee of the Month a gazillion and six times. (giggles) Keep dreaming.<br>
+
'''Dime''': We're money. It's in our nature.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob?!<br>
+
'''One-Dollar''': I've been trapped in that safe for eight years. I always wanted to be spent on a fairy princess outfit.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': (races to the dining area) Yes, Mr. Krabs?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': What? No way.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': What is the meaning of this?! (shows a Krabby Patty)<br>
+
'''Ten-Dollar''': I want to be spent on corn dogs.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': What's wrong with it?<br>
+
'''Five-Dollar''': I want to be spent on diapers.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': (Removes the top bun and lettuce to reveal, made of ketchup and mustard...) A smiley face...with dimples?!<br>
+
'''Money''': (talking all at once) Yeah, yeah, me too.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': '''AAAAHHH!!!''' Dimples?! It was him! (points to Squidward) New Squidward did it.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, wait a minute. I am not spending you on corn dogs, diapers, or fairy princess outfits. (cut to the mall)<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': Mr. Squidward?!<br>
+
'''Clerk''': Did you find everything OK?<br>
  
'''Squidward''': Yes, sir.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (dressed up in the outfits that the money were talking about) Unfortunately.<br>
  
'''Mr. Krabs''': I have one thing to tell you, Mister. Oh, I just love the little ketchup dimples you do! (SpongeBob gasps) You're now my new employee of the month. (takes his picture. SpongeBob breaks into pieces)<br>
+
'''Money''': All right! (Mr. Krabs cries)<br>
  
'''Patrick''': (walks in the Krusty Krab with a pink box in his hand) Special delivery. For this month's Employee of the Month. I wonder who it could be. As if I didn't know. (SpongeBob doesn't speak or move) No, really, who is it? I don't know.<br>
+
(SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs, and he's wearing a periwinkle purple fairy princess outfit. SpongeBob is also in a diaper and eating a corn dog)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': (sadly) The guy you're looking for is over there. (points to a crowd of customers and Mr. Krabs cheering and throwing Squidward up into the air with excitement. SpongeBob cries softly)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs! Lookin' good!<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Oh... SpongeBob?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (dressed in same outfit but it's green) What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Yes?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': I don't know. He's acting kind of weird. (cut back to Mr. Krabs' house)<br>
  
'''Patrick''': I want you to pull yourself together, ok? And then I want you to...<br>
+
'''Money''': (moaning) Spend us. Spend us.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Mm-hmm?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Help me spell "Squidward". (opens up the pink box to reveal a cake that reads "Congratulations '''SpongeBob''': Employee of the Month")<br>
+
'''Money''': Spend us.<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Ok. (takes a tube of filling handed to him by Patrick and changes "SpongeBob" to "Squidward")
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?<br>
  
'''Patrick''': Thanks, SpongeBob. Party at my house! (Patrick leaves. The customers and Mr. Krabs cheer and march Squidward out of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob stares back sadly. Bubble-wipe to Patrick's house where several partygoers arrive at the party in progress. Inside...)br>
+
'''Money''': Spend us.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (In the middle of a conga line with some customers and Mr. Krabs) Enjoying the party, SpongeBob? (passes by again) How's the cake, SpongeBob?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm not listening...<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': It's okay, Squidward. It's a very okay cake. (sniffles)<br>
+
'''Money''': Spend us.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': I love being Employee of the Month.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm not... (knock on door. Mr. Krabs goes to see who it is and finds...) SpongeBob?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': (tears in his eyes) Oh, so what if New Squidward is a better cook than you? Doesn't matter. And so what if New Squidward replaced you as Employee of the Month. And so what if New Squidward is pogo dancing with your best friend. (gasp) Pogo dancing with your best friend?! (whimpers then gets angry) Stop! (party stops and partygoers are shocked) Maybe you can take my job, and maybe you can take my place on the Employee of the Month Wall of Fame, but nobody, and I mean ''nobody'', pogo dances with that guy (points to Patrick) but me. Now do yourself a big fat favor and get out, bub! (Squidward leaves in tears and goes over to touch the doorknob on the electric fence, not realizing that it's still on, and gets shocked. At the party, the lights dim while SpongeBob and Patrick pogo dance) You know what, Patrick? Maybe I ''was'' a little hard on New Squidward. I mean, he may be a good fry cook and he might have his picture on the wall, but I still have the best friend in the world. (gasp) I know! I'll go apologize! Come on! (he and Patrick bounce over to Squidward's house, where Squidward is still being shocked) Squidward, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for being so selfish, scolding at you and all. I mean, who cares about cooking and pictures on the wall, and dancing? I mean, we're bigger than that, right? So, if ''you're'' willing to let bygones be bygones, then ''I'm'' willing to meet you half way. What do you say, buddy? Put 'er there.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': (back in his everyday clothes) Hi, Mr. Krabs. I just came by to make sure you weren't, you know, totally insane.<br>
  
'''Patrick''': He's too proud.<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (chuckles) Take this bag as far away as possible and bury it. (closes door then nervously chuckles) What have I done? (opens door) Give me that back. (takes the bag of money and closes door again)<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': Oh, I'll just meet you all the way. Lay one on me, pal. (he tries to high-five Squidward, but when he grabs Squidward's hand he gets shocked, too)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob''': OK Mr. Krabs, glad you're not insane. (bubble-wipe to later. A thunderstorm brews outside)<br>
  
'''Patrick''': H-Hey, I want to dance funny, too! (Patrick puts his hand on SpongeBob's and gets shocked, too. The off/on switch explodes, destroying the electric fence)<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': Dutchman, you cheated me. Take this horrible curse away! I want a refund.<br>
  
'''Squidward''': (his eyes reappear from the shock and he talks normally) SpongeBob! Patrick! What are you two still doing here?!<br>
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': All sales are final from the Flying Dutchman, especially for a selfish shellfish like yourself. Try saying that three times fast. Your soul's going into me fanny pack of despair. (squeals) Now pay up. Huh? (looks into the bag and pulls out a paper) An I.O.U.(I Owe You)?<br>
  
'''SpongeBob''': (his eyes reappear. SpongeBob is now acting, talking and looking like Squidward) What are you talking about?<br>
+
'''Mr. Krabs''': (Chuckles nervously) Yeah, well, I sort of sold my soul already.
  
'''Patrick''': (likewise) Yeah, what's the big idea? (all talking at once)
+
'''Flying Dutchman''': What? To who?<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Krabs''': To those guys. (points to some monsters beside him)<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Monster''': We were here first, pops.<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Monster #2''': We've all got a claim on Krabs’ soul.<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Monster''': Get to the back of the line.<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Krabs''': Now, now, I'm sure we can sort this out. (Flying Dutchman moves to the back of the line behind SpongeBob)<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Flying Dutchman''': You too, SpongeBob?<br>
 +
 
 +
'''SpongeBob''': He was short five dollars on payday. (Flying Dutchman sighs)
  
 
{{Transcripts/Season 5}}
 
{{Transcripts/Season 5}}

Revision as of 21:57, 22 June 2020

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Breath Of Fresh Squidward SpongeBob vs. Patty Gadget

Episode Article: Money Talks

Characters

Dialogue

(at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?

Customer: I'd like that table over by the window. (points to the table behind him where an elderly couple is sitting)

SpongeBob: As soon as the present customers are done with it. They like to chew their food thoroughly.

Lady: 97... 98... 99...

Man: Don't rush me, woman!

Customer: Perhaps this will speed up the process. (shows him some money)

SpongeBob: How will that help them chew faster?

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the problem?

SpongeBob: No problem, I was just telling this customer he needed to wait for his favorite table.

Customer: Five bucks if I get the table now. (Mr. Krabs kicks out the elderly couple)

Lady: Ow, my hip.

Mr. Krabs: (ties a bib around the customer's neck) Enjoy your meal. Let me know if you need anything else.

SpongeBob: Why did you give him the table?

Mr. Krabs: You know what they say: "money talks". (kisses the money)

SpongeBob: I didn't know money could talk. Did it tell you to kick those old people out? (talking to money) What do you have against old people?

Mr. Krabs: Don't go goofy on me, boy. Money can't really talk. Only fish can talk.

SpongeBob: Wouldn't it be neat if money could talk?

Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Yeah. Wait a minute...

Squidward: (music begins) What's that music?

SpongeBob: I think Mr. Krabs is gonna sing.

Squidward: Oh, great.


Music: "If I Could Talk To Money"

If I could talk to money
How great my life would be
We'd tell each other secrets
All their friends would visit me
I'd bathe in filthy riches
Which is clean enough for me!
Oh, if you could tell me what you want
How happy we would be
We'd surely be the best of friends
We'd never disagree
There wouldn't be a downside
Not one that I could see
If I could talk to money
Come along, sing with me!
Squidward: Uh, no thanks, I got to go.
SpongeBob: I really have to pee.
If I could talk to money
And it could talk to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, 
We'd always be the best of friends
For all eternity

(Mr. Krabs chortles)

Patrick: (comes out of the bathroom) What did I miss?

Mr. Krabs: Oh... (starts to sing but customers walk away. Cut to later that night at Mr. Krabs' house) Parlez vous Francais? Hable Español? Oo-yay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay? (uses stethoscope on money) Mm-hmm. (turns on a light over the money) Maybe this will make you talk. Talk! You're being too hard on the little guy. You can talk to me. I'm your friend. (cries) I would give anything to talk to money. Anything! (Flying Dutchman appears)

Flying Dutchman: Anything?

Mr. Krabs: You?

Flying Dutchman: That's right. 'Tis I, the ominous Flying Dutchman. I'll grant your wish but it'll cost you. (contract appears in front of Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, my immortal soul. I've heard that speech before. (signs contract)

Flying Dutchman: Wha...? Well, uh, great. But be warned!

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, skip the lecture. I want what's coming to me.

Flying Dutchman: Humph, you're no fun at all, you know that? (gets out some magic dust from his pouch)

Mr. Krabs: Hey, is that pixie dust? (Flying Dutchman throws the dust in his eyes, causing him to scream. Mr. Krabs wakes up) Whew, that was a strange dream.

Money: You think that was a strange dream? I dreamed I was trapped in a prison made of peanut butter.

Mr. Krabs: Who said that?

Money: Down here.

Mr. Krabs: (Looks under his blanket and pulls out a nickel) Hey, it's a nickel. What were you doing in my belly button, little fella?

Nickel: I got stuck in there during your last coin shower. (shudders) I don't want to talk about it.

Mr. Krabs: (takes his wallet and takes out a five-dollar bill) Do you have anything to say to me?

Dollar Bill: Yeah, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?

Mr. Krabs: It worked! I can talk to money. Oh...

Nickel: Please, don't start singing again. (bubble-wipe to the next day, at the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: (entering) Don't worry, darlings. Soon you'll be rejoined with all your friends. (kisses his money)

Old Lady: Oh, my, why don't you kiss me like that?

Old Man: Don't start.

Squidward: That'll be five dollars. (puts money in register)

Five-Dollar Bill: Hey, dudes.

Money: Run, jump! Jump out! Jump out! (Mr. Krabs closes the register and chuckles)

Mr. Krabs: (opens up his safe) Good morning, my darlings.

Money: Good morning, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: You're coming home with me.

Money: Yay!

Mr. Krabs: (walks by...) SpongeBob, I did it. I can talk to money. (shows him a bag of money) Go ahead, say hello.

SpongeBob: Hello... money.

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh, aren't they a riot? (walks out of the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: I'm starting to worry about Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: I'm worried he just left with my paycheck. (cut to Mr. Krabs' house where he's on the floor with his money)

Mr. Krabs: Now that we're alone, let's tell each other secrets.

One-Dollar: What kind of secrets are you talking about?

Dime: Yeah, we live in a safe.

Money: Yeah!

Mr. Krabs: You have any friends you can invite over?

One-Dollar: Aren't we enough for you?

Dime: Yeah, what's wrong with us?

Money: Yeah!

Mr. Krabs: Nothing, nothing. You guys are great. I thought you guys might want some company, you know, to make you happy.

Money: Why don't you ask what would make us happy?

Mr. Krabs: OK, so how can I make you happy?

Money: Spend us!

Mr. Krabs: What?

Dime: We're money. It's in our nature.

One-Dollar: I've been trapped in that safe for eight years. I always wanted to be spent on a fairy princess outfit.

Mr. Krabs: What? No way.

Ten-Dollar: I want to be spent on corn dogs.

Five-Dollar: I want to be spent on diapers.

Money: (talking all at once) Yeah, yeah, me too.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, wait a minute. I am not spending you on corn dogs, diapers, or fairy princess outfits. (cut to the mall)

Clerk: Did you find everything OK?

Mr. Krabs: (dressed up in the outfits that the money were talking about) Unfortunately.

Money: All right! (Mr. Krabs cries)

(SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs, and he's wearing a periwinkle purple fairy princess outfit. SpongeBob is also in a diaper and eating a corn dog)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Lookin' good!

Patrick: (dressed in same outfit but it's green) What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob: I don't know. He's acting kind of weird. (cut back to Mr. Krabs' house)

Money: (moaning) Spend us. Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I can't spend all of you. And none of you want to be spent on stuff I want.

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: Ah, you're all shallow and self-absorbed. What did I ever see in you?

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I'm not listening...

Money: Spend us.

Mr. Krabs: I'm not... (knock on door. Mr. Krabs goes to see who it is and finds...) SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: (back in his everyday clothes) Hi, Mr. Krabs. I just came by to make sure you weren't, you know, totally insane.

Mr. Krabs: (chuckles) Take this bag as far away as possible and bury it. (closes door then nervously chuckles) What have I done? (opens door) Give me that back. (takes the bag of money and closes door again)

SpongeBob: OK Mr. Krabs, glad you're not insane. (bubble-wipe to later. A thunderstorm brews outside)

Mr. Krabs: Dutchman, you cheated me. Take this horrible curse away! I want a refund.

Flying Dutchman: All sales are final from the Flying Dutchman, especially for a selfish shellfish like yourself. Try saying that three times fast. Your soul's going into me fanny pack of despair. (squeals) Now pay up. Huh? (looks into the bag and pulls out a paper) An I.O.U.(I Owe You)?

Mr. Krabs: (Chuckles nervously) Yeah, well, I sort of sold my soul already.

Flying Dutchman: What? To who?

Mr. Krabs: To those guys. (points to some monsters beside him)

Monster: We were here first, pops.

Monster #2: We've all got a claim on Krabs’ soul.

Monster: Get to the back of the line.

Mr. Krabs: Now, now, I'm sure we can sort this out. (Flying Dutchman moves to the back of the line behind SpongeBob)

Flying Dutchman: You too, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: He was short five dollars on payday. (Flying Dutchman sighs)

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