Episode Transcript: Ghoul Fools

Back Episode Transcript	Next Episode Transcript
Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation
	Mermaid Man Begins

Episode Article: Ghoul Fools

Characters

• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Patrick Star
• Lord Poltergeist
• Eugene H. Krabs
• Squidward Tentacles
• Sandy Cheeks
• The Flying Dutchman
• First Mate Ghoul
• Milkshake Gremlin
• "Eternally Tortured" Donut
• Skeletons
• Giant Demonic SpongeBob

Dialogue

(episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom are lying on the grass)

SpongeBob: Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?

Patrick: Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.

SpongeBob: (points to a cloud in sky) Wow, look at that cloud. (the cloud, which looks like Sandy, floats by) It looks just like Sandy.

Patrick: I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! (another cloud floats by) It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a... a cloud.

SpongeBob: Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. (a cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud floats by, but it disappears) It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?

Patrick: Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat.

[Shows houseboat flying over Bikini Bottom as the sky turns from day to night]

SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat.

[SpongeBob and Patrick watch houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass]

SpongeBob: What is it, Patrick?

Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.

Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out [runs to houseboat]

SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! [follows Patrick]

Patrick: [laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't] Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost?

[Patrick gets up on top of SpongeBob]

Patrick: A little to the left. [SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat] A little help? [SpongeBob lifts him up] Hurry up, lazy-bones!

[SpongeBob gets up to the boat]

Patrick: Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob.

[SpongeBob looks at skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously]

Patrick: Let's check out inside.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! [Opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him] Wow, so lame!

[Thunder clap is heard]

Patrick: [Sees plate of eyeballs and picks up one] Nice attention to detail, though. [Puts eyeball back]

[SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, to which he runs away]

Patrick: Huh. So not scary!

SpongeBob: [Looks at picture of flowers] Hey, this is a nice picture! [Snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and runs around]

Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob?

[Snakes go back into picture]

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!

SpongeBob: Okay, I'll be right there!

Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would... pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! [Door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes

SpongeBob to attack him] That would be scary! [SpongeBob screams from far away] But this place is too low budget for that! [Hand returns SpongeBob] Would be cool, though, wouldn't it?

SpongeBob: [shaking] Yeah, that'd be [gulps] neato. [hears scary music] Patrick, where is that music coming from?

Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy!

[Shows ghost playing the organ, while a thunder clap is heard]

Lord Poltergeist: [turns around] Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? [Thunder clap is heard. Lord Poltergeist goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick]

Patrick: We do!

Lord Poltergeist: Aye. And what manner of beastie might you two be?

Patrick: [opens Lord Poltergeist's mouth] Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's all rotten and slimy. [Poltergeist breathes into Patrick's face, singeing it] His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very authentic, too. It's dirty. [sniffs] Eww. It reeks, and check out the workmanship on the jaw mechanism. [moves Poltergeist's jaw up and down] Remarkable-build quality! [Lets go of jaw] Obviously a puppet or a robot! Oh, we must be in one of those fancy pizza parlors, with those singing animated robots!

Lord Poltergeist: Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! [gets angry and lights on fire]

Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!

Lord Poltergeist: What? Sing for ye?

Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? [Puts coin into his nose. Poltergeist coughs up coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly]

Lord Poltergeist: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?

Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!

Lord Poltergeist: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?

Patrick: Nope!

SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!

Lord Poltergeist: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! [electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs]

Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.

SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Yeah, awesome [SpongeBob's hand falls off]

Lord Poltergeist: Hit it, fingers! [Fingers appear and start the music]

Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!

Patrick: [whispers] They're good!

Ghosts: ♪Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep! Under the waves we like to creep. Creeping in coffins with spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads. Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep. We wear black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, ‘cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha! [Lord Poltergeist shows bones for feet and taps them together] We like to haunt and frighten and scare ‘til you jump right out of your underwear. We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains. We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!♪ [Lord Poltergeist rips Gary's shell off]

SpongeBob: Gary!

Ghosts: ♪Our favorite pet's, the cat-o-nine-tails!♪

Cat: Meow!

[SpongeBob and Patrick clap]

Lord Poltergeist: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?

Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?

Lord Poltergeist: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! [Poofs up pizza and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick]

Patrick: That's more like it! [Pizza opens to show anchovies on the pizza]

Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies!? [Pizza disappears, SpongeBob and Patrick bow] You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!

Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? You scurvy swabs!

SpongeBob: We do! We do!

Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! [Puts SpongeBob in front of him] Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life!

[Patrick cowers in fear as SpongeBob is surprised by his act]

Lord Poltergeist: [Looks at the cowering Patrick] [sarcastically] Eh, great friend you have here!

SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead pirate type person, sir?

Lord Poltergeist: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the populous and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Eh, but this time we just blew a head gasket.

SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!

Lord Poltergeist: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. [opens engine room and coughs] Hey, Charlie, you got that busted head gasket out yet?

Charlie: Here you go, boss! [head gasket melts] Looks like we need a new one! [Poltergeist grabs head gasket]

Lord Poltergeist: Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!

SpongeBob: [gulps] Uh, uh, us?

Lord Poltergeist: Yes, you! And just as a little incentive to make you return [lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick], I'll take your souls as deposit!

[Poltergeist grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poltergeist poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob]

Lord Poltergeist: Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, [goes over to check calendar], let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!

SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. ghost pirate, sir?

Lord Poltergeist: Oh, why certainly!

SpongeBob: Patrick, after you!

[SpongeBob and Patrick leave, screaming in horror]

Lord Poltergeist: Such a polite lad!

[SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]

SpongeBob: One scoop, please.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!

Patrick: [muffled with tongue stretched out] Houseboat full of ghosts!

[SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue]

SpongeBob: Eww, eww, eww, eww!

[Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck]

Frank: Hey, those guys are insane!

[Customers run out of the restaurant]

Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion out here? [gasps] Come back! [cries] SpongeBob, what in the bulging blue barnacles, are you up to?!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!

Mr. Krabs: You had a what?

SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!

Patrick: [muffled] And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind!

[Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down]

SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!

Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? [Grabs doubloon] Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic [sniffs doubloon] Smells real enough! [Bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket]

Frank: Hey!

[Mr. Krabs comes back with head gasket]

Mr. Krabs: Okay, let's go see those ghost fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting!

[SpongeBob and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device]

Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled paranormal critter-detector-catcher gizmo!

Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you... to the Krusty Krab?

Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins!

[Sandy scans milkshake for gremlins]

Sandy: Nope, none in there!

Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!

Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?

Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what all those doubloons could do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I could buy you that break room you're always whining about!

[Squidward imagines, sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done]

Squidward: Okay, I'm in!

Mr. Krabs: Super! More hands means more gold. So what do ya say SpongeBob? Are ya ready!

SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.

Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich?

[Episode skips to second part of episode, which cuts to the haunted houseboat]

SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?

Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in four years.

Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.

Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts [walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together] Nothing here but a bunch of tacky old furniture, and boring, representational art. [Man in picture comes alive and eats woman's head] Huh?

SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!

Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Ha-ha-ha [Mr. Krabs licks the doubloons in celebration]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. [grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it] Heads up, Squidward! [Krabs throws bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head] Hey, Patrick, think fast!

Patrick: Think? [Bag of doubloons hits Patrick]

Mr. Krabs: All right, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! [Notices a doubloon is left behind] Looks like I missed one! Uh... it seems to be stuck... uuuuuuhhhh... [pulls out Lord Poltergeist and screams]

Lord Poltergeist: Who dares touch me gold?

SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think we could have our souls back... now... maybeee.

Lord Poltergeist: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one.

[SpongeBob fills up his body with his soul]

SpongeBob: Aah. That hits the spot!

Lord Poltergeist: Think fast, pink one!

Patrick: Again?

[Bottle hits Patrick in the head, it shatters]

Patrick: My soul. [Licks it off the floor]

Lord Poltergeist: Har-har-har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!

Patrick: I thought mine seemed a little flat.

SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?

Lord Poltergeist: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... [Poltergeist notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold] Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.

Mr. Krabs: Pfttttt! You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! [Krabs opens a door, which leads to the Void, which he is sucked into] Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har. Welcome to the Void! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Squidward makes babbling noises and is sucked into the Void]

Patrick: Get me out of here!

Squidward: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har-har! [Poltergeist sucks in Patrick]

Patrick: Nooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! [Krabs notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby] Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon?" Nooooooooooooo!

[Mr. Krabs' image fades away and changes to Patrick]

Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! [A doughnut shows up on Patrick's head] Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. [Patrick's head stretches] Hey! Get back here! [Patrick's head stretches more and he screams] Why is this happening to me? [Doughnut comes to life]

Doughnut: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare! [Patrick screams in terror. Doughnut laughs evilly until it sees that Patrick is no longer interested] Hmm? [goes down to Patrick; pokes his eye] Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?

Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain doughnuts.

Doughnut: Well, what kind do you like?

Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!

Doughnut: Aah. [snaps its fingers, and sprinkles appear] Voila!

Patrick: No, chocolate! [chocolate appears on the doughnut] No, a bagel! [doughnut turns to a bagel] No-no-no-no, pancakes! [bagel turns to pancakes] No-no-no...

Doughnut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!

Patrick: Okay, okay! Man, you're pushy! How about... a Krabby Patty? [pancakes turn to a Krabby Patty] With pickles! [pickles appear] And ketchup! [ketchup appears] Wait, wait, wait! I know, I know, I know! I want... a plain doughnut!

Doughnut: [turns back into a doughnut] Nooooooooooooooooooo!

[Scene cuts to Squidward in the Void]

Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! [A large, ghost version of SpongeBob is shown with Squidward on its nose] Of course!

SpongeBob demon: Hiiii, neighbor! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. [screams]

[Ghost SpongeBob continues to laugh as the scene cuts to Lord Poltergeist laughing evilly]

Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!

Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?

Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!

Lord Poltergeist: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Sandy turns on ghost-catcher and releases Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward]

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassie. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!

Lord Poltergeist: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! [Poltergeist sucks bag into treasure chest]

Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! [Mr. Krabs and Poltergeist beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest, which flies into the air]

SpongeBob: I got it! [Treasure chest crushes SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs: Me gold!

Lord Poltergeist: You mean my gold!

SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!

Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?

Lord Poltergeist: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will!

[Cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat]

Flying Dutchman: Avast!

Lord Poltergeist and Sandy: [look out the door] Huh?

Flying Dutchman: Heave to... and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!

Lord Poltergeist: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!

SpongeBob: [holding a phone] It is my civic duty to report stolen property!

Lord Poltergeist: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!

Squidward: Welcome to my world.

Flying Dutchman: [angrily shouts] Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!

Lord Poltergeist: [nervously] Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!

Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!

Lord Poltergeist: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!

Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!

Lord Poltergeist: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since... to give ye back your treasure!

Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! [Lord Poltergeist sails away with the treasure] Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... [Lord Poltergeist runs over the Dutchman and flies away] Okay, now I'm a little bit peeved!

Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!

Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!

Lord Poltergeist: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. [Engine dies down] Boiler room, we're losing power! Report!

Charlie: The engine's on fire, sir! [engine explodes]

Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!

Lord Poltergeist: We're going down! Brace for impact! [all scream, boat collapses]

Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!

SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!

Flying Dutchman: Observe! [Dutchman removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying Lord Poltergeist's ship]

French Narrator: Later, in the void. [cuts to the Krusty Krab in The Void]

Lord Poltergeist: Welcome to the Cursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?

Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom.

Lord Poltergeist: Aargh, it's right over there.

Patrick: Here's your milkshake, Sandy. [Milkshake Gremlin pops out]

Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!

Doughnut: And what would you like, sir?

Ghost: I want a plain doughnut! [eats doughnut off of Patrick's head. The doughnut gives the ghost its bill]

Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.

Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!

Squidward: No, I mean actual bones. [opens cash register, showing bones]

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.

SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties! Hit it!

[SpongeBob demon laughs at flips the Cursed Krab, turns into Flying Dutchman as the episode ends]