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Episode Transcript: Pest of the West
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==Dialogue== | ==Dialogue== | ||
| − | ( | + | (Act 1 starts at the Krusty Krab) |
| − | '''SpongeBob''': Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop | + | '''SpongeBob''': Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground, and imitates a truck backup alarm) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop... |
'''Squidward''': You're better off not knowing. | '''Squidward''': You're better off not knowing. | ||
| − | '''SpongeBob''': Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir. | + | '''SpongeBob''': ...Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir. |
'''Fish 1''': Do you always serve your food this way? | '''Fish 1''': Do you always serve your food this way? | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse) | '''SpongeBob''': You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse) | ||
| − | '''Patrick''': Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, | + | '''Patrick''': Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, the mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! '''''THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!''''' |
'''SpongeBob''': '''''NOT THE MOLLUSKS!''''' | '''SpongeBob''': '''''NOT THE MOLLUSKS!''''' | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick? | '''SpongeBob''': There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick? | ||
| − | '''Patrick''': Nope. I was only pretending to be my famous | + | '''Patrick''': Nope. I was only pretending to be my famous Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (A flashback begins with Patrick Revere riding through town) |
'''Patrick Revere''': The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! | '''Patrick Revere''': The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! | ||
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'''Patrick''': It's too bad nobody listened to him. | '''Patrick''': It's too bad nobody listened to him. | ||
| − | '''Fish 2''': What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in | + | '''Fish 2''': What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in and fishes 2 and 3 scream) (Flashback ends) |
'''SpongeBob''': Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative. | '''SpongeBob''': Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative. | ||
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'''Patrick''': Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off. | '''Patrick''': Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off. | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs''': That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The Spendthrift Billfold System! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what | + | '''Mr. Krabs''': That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The Spendthrift Billfold System! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what appears to be a dollar bill from his wallet.) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise? |
'''SpongeBob''': Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs! | '''SpongeBob''': Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs! | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs''': | + | '''Mr. Krabs''': Ah-ah-ah! Watch. (Pulls on the dollar and a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See? |
'''SpongeBob''': Doesn't that hurt? | '''SpongeBob''': Doesn't that hurt? | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family. | '''SpongeBob''': Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family. | ||
| − | '''Patrick''': Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. ( | + | '''Patrick''': Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (Bubble-wipe to see SpongeBob standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop) |
| − | '''SpongeBob''': I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. ''Sigh'' I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in) | + | '''SpongeBob''': I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. ''Sigh'' I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in making karate-style movements) |
'''Sandy''': '''HI-YAH!''' | '''Sandy''': '''HI-YAH!''' | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy? | '''SpongeBob''': Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy? | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': I sure do! My great Aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a squirrel standing on top of an oil tower) | + | '''Sandy''': I sure do! My great Aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a live-action squirrel standing on top of an oil tower) |
| − | '''Rosie Cheeks''': '''She's ready to blow!''' (Oil spurts out of the ground | + | '''Rosie Cheeks''': '''She's ready to blow!''' (Oil spurts out of the ground and Rosie Cheeks jumps away. Flashback ends) |
'''SpongeBob''': Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me. | '''SpongeBob''': Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me. | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': Well, there was my Uncle Sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.) | '''SpongeBob''': Well, there was my Uncle Sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.) | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. ( | + | '''Sandy''': That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (Bubble-wipe to Bikini Bottom Library, where Sandy pulls out a book.) |
| − | '''Sandy''': "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants | + | '''Sandy''': "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". (Reads from the book) Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants... Hey, looky here! (Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture) |
'''SpongeBob''': '''Gasp!''' | '''SpongeBob''': '''Gasp!''' | ||
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'''SpongeBob''': I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue? | '''SpongeBob''': I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue? | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch | + | '''Sandy''': Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch. That's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days. (A flashback begins with a train coming into scene) It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (Train stops; SpongeBuck gets off.) |
'''SpongeBuck SquarePants''': Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune. | '''SpongeBuck SquarePants''': Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune. | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good | + | '''Sandy''': (narrating) Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good galoot, Dead Eye! |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, willikers! They got an ice cream parlor! (Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor". Scroll down to another sign reading Ice Cream Parlor". SpongeBuck walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please. |
'''Fish 4''': You're new here, aren't you? | '''Fish 4''': You're new here, aren't you? | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': Yep. I just got off from the train. | '''SpongeBuck''': Yep. I just got off from the train. | ||
| − | '''Fish 4''': You don't say. ( | + | '''Fish 4''': You don't say. (Gives SpongeBuck the ice cream. As SpongeBuck licks it, the fish measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him. SpongeBuck exits and notices that some people are looking at him. He looks at them, and the others pull their hats down. SpongeBuck keeps walking and licking until he stops at a place full of music. That music is coming from a place called the Krusty Kantina) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' western ancestor''': Business is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, | + | '''Mr. Krabs' western ancestor''': Business is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, ringing the bell by the door as he enters. Everyone stops) |
'''SpongeBuck''': Howdy do, y'all? | '''SpongeBuck''': Howdy do, y'all? | ||
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'''Squeeze Tentacles''': Great, another hayseed. | '''Squeeze Tentacles''': Great, another hayseed. | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''' (Whispering): Charge him double for his drinks. | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''' (Whispering to Squeeze): Charge him double for his drinks. |
'''SpongeBuck''': Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken? | '''SpongeBuck''': Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken? | ||
| − | Fish 5: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles) | + | '''Fish 5''': Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles) |
'''Squeeze''': What can I get you, stranger? | '''Squeeze''': What can I get you, stranger? | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Give me a shot ''of milk''. | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Give me a shot... ''of milk''. |
'''Squeeze''': Milk? | '''Squeeze''': Milk? | ||
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'''Squeeze''': Think you can handle it? | '''Squeeze''': Think you can handle it? | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready Tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, | + | '''SpongeBuck''': I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready Tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, which spills into his stomach, where a worm is living. SpongeBuck yells and falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth. |
'''Squeeze''': Right. | '''Squeeze''': Right. | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger? |
'''Squeeze''': Strange is right. | '''Squeeze''': Strange is right. | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted') | '''SpongeBuck''': The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted') | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (Everyone cheers) |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. ( | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (Holds up the same paper but points to a small section that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin'-tootin', never-pootin' chili. The spiciest chili west of the old red barn. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out) |
| − | '''Mr. | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible. |
'''SpongeBuck''': In a good way? | '''SpongeBuck''': In a good way? | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs! |
'''Squeeze''': Since when? | '''Squeeze''': Since when? | ||
| − | '''Mr. | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': (Shushes Squeeze) Shhhhhh! (Back to SpongeBuck) So that means, you're the new sheriff! |
'''SpongeBuck''': What happened to the old sheriff? | '''SpongeBuck''': What happened to the old sheriff? | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Uh, he's at Boot Hill.(Points out the window to a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill) |
'''SpongeBuck''': ''Gasp!'' And, why is he at Boot Hill? | '''SpongeBuck''': ''Gasp!'' And, why is he at Boot Hill? | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Points out another window to a full cemetery with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill. Pecos Patrick bursts in) |
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': He's a' | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': He's a-comin'! Dead Eye's a-comin'! |
'''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Dead Eye?! | '''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Dead Eye?! | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''' and '''Squeeze''': Dead Eye?! |
'''SpongeBuck''': Who's Dead Eye? | '''SpongeBuck''': Who's Dead Eye? | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Maestro, if you please. (Squeeze bows, sits at a player piano and cracks his knuckles. He is about to play, when he deposits a coin into the machine. Music starts playing) |
'''Song''': "[[Dead Eye]]" | '''Song''': "[[Dead Eye]]" | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
Oh, Bikini Gulch was a purty place | Oh, Bikini Gulch was a purty place | ||
With sweet water and blue sky. | With sweet water and blue sky. | ||
| − | 'Til one day a beast | + | 'Til one day a beast come a-riding from the east |
By the name of Ol' Dead Eye. | By the name of Ol' Dead Eye. | ||
| − | + | '''Chorus''': | |
That dirty, no-good Dead Eye! | That dirty, no-good Dead Eye! | ||
| − | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | |
Oh, he's robbed this town, | Oh, he's robbed this town, | ||
He's pulled my pants down! | He's pulled my pants down! | ||
| − | He made all the pretty girls cry! | + | '''Mrs. Puff's western ancestor''': |
| − | + | He made all the pretty girls cry! (sobs) | |
| + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': | ||
That no-good goon wants my saloon! | That no-good goon wants my saloon! | ||
And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon! | And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon! | ||
If we don't get some help here real soon, | If we don't get some help here real soon, | ||
| − | + | '''Chorus''': | |
We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye! | We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye! | ||
We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try! | We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try! | ||
| − | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | |
And if you think that's funny, | And if you think that's funny, | ||
Well, let me tell you, sonny, | Well, let me tell you, sonny, | ||
| − | You won't be laughing when you SEE... | + | You won't be laughing when you SEE... (the patrons gasp) |
| − | HIS... | + | HIS... (another gasp) |
| − | BIG... | + | BIG... (gasp) |
| − | RED... | + | RED... (gasp) |
DEAD EYE! | DEAD EYE! | ||
| + | '''Chorus''': | ||
Dead Eye! | Dead Eye! | ||
| + | ''(On cue, Dead Eye Plankton comes through the door)'' | ||
'''Dead Eye''': That's me! Dead Eye Plankton! | '''Dead Eye''': That's me! Dead Eye Plankton! | ||
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'''Squeeze''': We just sang a whole song about him! | '''Squeeze''': We just sang a whole song about him! | ||
| − | '''Dead Eye''': Well, what are you looking at?! (Everyone hides | + | '''Dead Eye''': Well, what are you looking at?! (Everyone hides. Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, then pulls off Pecos Patrick's clothes) |
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip. Squeeze and Mr. Krabs' ancestor duck) |
'''Dead Eye''': Get up you two! I'm here for my... money, Krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it). | '''Dead Eye''': Get up you two! I'm here for my... money, Krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it). | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': (Laughs nervously) What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke here! (Dead Eye bends the coin) |
'''Dead Eye''': That's the idea! (Laughs) I thought we were all clear on that. | '''Dead Eye''': That's the idea! (Laughs) I thought we were all clear on that. | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': Hey! That's not your money! | '''SpongeBuck''': Hey! That's not your money! | ||
| − | '''Dead Eye''': WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Dead Eye''': WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' ancestor points at SpongeBuck and everyone runs away) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch, not Yokelburg! (Laughs) Yokelburg... (Laughs again) Who are you anyway? |
'''SpongeBuck''': I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili? | '''SpongeBuck''': I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili? | ||
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'''Dead Eye''': Sheriff! (Knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys! | '''Dead Eye''': Sheriff! (Knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys! | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Coffin jockeys!? (Runs over to Mr. Krabs' | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Coffin jockeys!? (Runs over to Mr. Krabs' ancestor) You didn't say anything about that! (exits) |
'''Dead Eye''': (Pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff. | '''Dead Eye''': (Pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff. | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': ( | + | '''SpongeBuck''': (Pretending to ride a coffin as if it were a horse) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! (Coffin neighs like a horse) |
| − | '''Dead Eye''': Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Dead Eye''': Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' ancestor shrugs) All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it? |
'''SpongeBuck''': Uh huh. | '''SpongeBuck''': Uh huh. | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': Nope. | '''SpongeBuck''': Nope. | ||
| − | '''Dead Eye''': ''Sigh'' (Cracks whip at SpongeBuck | + | '''Dead Eye''': ''Sigh'' (Cracks whip at SpongeBuck. The coffin runs away, carrying SpongeBuck with it) And stay out! (checks his watch again) Hey, only three seconds off my record! (Everyone is looking at Dead Eye) What are you hayseeds looking at? (cracks whip and everyone screams and runs away) Git! Get out of here! |
'''Fish 6''': What's gonna happen to the town now, pa? | '''Fish 6''': What's gonna happen to the town now, pa? | ||
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'''Fish 7''': I ain't your pa. (Both scream and run away) | '''Fish 7''': I ain't your pa. (Both scream and run away) | ||
| − | '''Dead Eye''': I love this town! (Laughs evilly | + | '''Dead Eye''': I love this town! (Laughs evilly and cracks his whip at the camera. End of Act 1.) |
| − | ( | + | (Act 2 begins in the desert, and SpongeBuck is still riding the coffin like a horse) |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! (Trips on a rock) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! (Trips on a rock) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food... (shows his arm, with no hand) ...water, and lip balm! (Lip balm turns to dust. SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off) I'm sorry old Pine! Guess I'm gonna have to put you out of your misery! (takes out a saw) So long old friend! (Is about to saw coffin in half when...) |
'''Cowbone 1''': Hey, buddy, better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head. | '''Cowbone 1''': Hey, buddy, better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head. | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': It does? | '''SpongeBuck''': It does? | ||
| − | '''Cowbone 2''': Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! (Both laugh | + | '''Cowbone 2''': Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! (Both laugh. SpongeBuck joins in and then sees Pecos Patrick also laughing) |
'''Pecos Patrick''': Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff! | '''Pecos Patrick''': Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff! | ||
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'''SpongeBuck''': I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. (Pecos Patrick slaps him) | '''SpongeBuck''': I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. (Pecos Patrick slaps him) | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! ( | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! (Cut to a crudely-drawn picture of Pecos Patrick saying "Duuhh".) |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': I don't know | + | '''SpongeBuck''': I don't know... (Pecos Patrick slaps him again) Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurting me! Besides, you're right! It's time I looked fate in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon! |
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Hop on, buddy! | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Hop on, buddy! (SpongeBuck gets on Pecos Patrick's double-wide coffin) |
'''SpongeBuck''': Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon. | '''SpongeBuck''': Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon. | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Don't worry. I got a short cut. He-ya! (Starts riding coffin, rides | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Don't worry. I got a short cut. He-ya! (Starts riding coffin, which rides them off a cliff. Both land on a cactus, yell in pain and jump very high in the direction of Dead Eye Gulch. There we see a carriage riding around town, with the ancestors of both Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs, as well as Squeeze, inside) |
| − | '''Mrs. Puff's | + | '''Mrs. Puff's ancestor''': Why are we going so fast? |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop until he has the clothes off our backs! (Dead Eye is in the road) |
| − | '''Dead Eye''': (Laughs evilly) Great idea! ( | + | '''Dead Eye''': (Laughs evilly) Great idea! (Whipping is heard. Bubble-wipe. Mr. Krabs' ancestor, Mrs. Puff's ancestor, and Squeeze have been stripped down to their underclothes) Okay, let's see... (checking off a list) Personal possessions, clothes off your backs... That should about do it! Look, I'm just going to drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. (Starts dancing) Uh huh, waa-waa! Uh huh, waa-waa! |
'''Squeeze''': I gotta admit, he's got skills. | '''Squeeze''': I gotta admit, he's got skills. | ||
| − | '''Dead Eye''': That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! (laughs but then coughs) Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee- | + | '''Dead Eye''': That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon, Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! (laughs but then coughs) Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-haw! (Rides off) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': So, that's it. |
| − | '''Mrs. Puff's | + | '''Mrs. Puff's ancestor''': We lost. |
| − | '''Squeeze''': I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick | + | '''Squeeze''': I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick come screaming to the ground) |
'''SpongeBuck''': Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time! | '''SpongeBuck''': Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time! | ||
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'''Squeeze''': You're morons! | '''Squeeze''': You're morons! | ||
| − | '''Mrs. Puff's | + | '''Mrs. Puff's ancestor''': It's too late. Plankton's taken everything! |
'''SpongeBuck''': But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon. | '''SpongeBuck''': But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon. | ||
| − | '''Mrs. Puff's | + | '''Mrs. Puff's ancestor''': Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm. |
| − | '''Squeeze''': And all our stuff. | + | '''Squeeze''': ''And'' all our stuff. |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': And me money! (sniffs sadly) Me beautiful, beautiful money! |
'''SpongeBuck''': You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch. | '''SpongeBuck''': You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch. | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Could you get to the point? We're freezing! |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': What I'm a | + | '''SpongeBuck''': What I'm a-sayin' is: if we all team up together, we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton, and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good! So, what do you say? |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Well, I think we all know the answer. |
'''All''': Forget it, SpongeBuck! | '''All''': Forget it, SpongeBuck! | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! Pillow fight! (Whacks Squeeze with his pillow laughs then whacks SpongeBuck) | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! (Strips to his pajamas and brandishes a pillow) Pillow fight! (Whacks Squeeze with his pillow, laughs, then whacks SpongeBuck) |
'''SpongeBuck''': That pillow sure packs a wallop! | '''SpongeBuck''': That pillow sure packs a wallop! | ||
| Line 351: | Line 355: | ||
'''SpongeBuck''': Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together! | '''SpongeBuck''': Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together! | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': No offense, kid. But your advice is as terrible as your chili. |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together | + | '''SpongeBuck''': I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And together we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together in idiot friendship, we can beat Dead Eye and save the town! So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! (whispering) Bzbzbzbzbzb |
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Uh huh | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Uh huh... |
'''SpongeBuck''': Bzbzbzbzbzbzb | '''SpongeBuck''': Bzbzbzbzbzbzb | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Uh huh, uh huh | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Uh huh, uh huh... |
'''SpongeBuck''': Bzbzbzbzbzbzbzbzb | '''SpongeBuck''': Bzbzbzbzbzbzbzbzb | ||
| − | '''Squeeze''': Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying bzbzbzbzbzbzb? | + | '''Squeeze''': Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying "bzbzbzbzbzbzb"? |
'''SpongeBuck''': Umm... | '''SpongeBuck''': Umm... | ||
| Line 377: | Line 381: | ||
'''Dead Eye''': So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone. | '''Dead Eye''': So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone. | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right g-- Hey! ( | + | '''SpongeBuck''': You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right, g-- Hey! (Sees all of SpongeBuck's friends hiding at the Krusty Kantina) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': We're right behind you boy! WAY, ''WAY'' behind you! |
| − | '''Dead Eye''': So, it's come to this. | + | '''Dead Eye''': So, it's come to this. Mano y mano. |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Well, you can hold the | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me! |
| − | '''Dead Eye''': Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! (A clock strikes 12:00 | + | '''Dead Eye''': Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! (A clock strikes 12:00. Dead Eye and SpongeBuck walk toward each other until SpongeBuck steps on Dead Eye) Ow! (Everyone who's hiding look at SpongeBuck, then come out and cheer) I hate all of you! |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Can I try? |
'''Dead Eye''': You can't do this! (Steps on Dead Eye) | '''Dead Eye''': You can't do this! (Steps on Dead Eye) | ||
| Line 393: | Line 397: | ||
'''Pecos Patrick''': Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck! | '''Pecos Patrick''': Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck! | ||
| − | '''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! ( | + | '''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Kantina, where Mr. Krabs' ancestor is holding a line for patrons to step on Dead Eye) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs''': Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on | + | '''Mr. Krabs''': Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on ol' Dead Eye Plankton! (Several patrons give a dollar each) |
| − | '''Dead Eye''': Ah! Ouch! Ooh! | + | '''Dead Eye''': (we see the patrons stepping on him) Ah! Ouch! Ooh! |
| − | '''Mrs. Puff's | + | '''Mrs. Puff's ancestor''': Take that, you no-good little varmint! |
'''Dead Eye''': I have a lot of money! (Gets stepped on) | '''Dead Eye''': I have a lot of money! (Gets stepped on) | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his. Both say "Ahh" in contentment) |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. ( | + | '''SpongeBuck''': You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. (A crudely-drawn picture of them both going "Duuh" is displayed) |
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': Come with me, I want to show you something. | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': Come with me, I want to show you something. (Cut to outside the Kantina) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Thank you, sheriff SpongeBuck, for saving our town. And for stepping on that little varmint. |
'''Dead Eye''': History will vindicate me! (Gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick) | '''Dead Eye''': History will vindicate me! (Gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick) | ||
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. (Pulls off a sheet revealing a golden statue of SpongeBuck on a coffin) |
'''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Oooh! | '''Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch''': Oooh! | ||
| − | '''Squeeze''': I liked my design better. (Shows a piece of paper with his idea on it | + | '''Squeeze''': I liked my design better. (Shows a piece of paper with his idea on it. The drawing is actually of himself) |
| − | '''Mr. Krabs' | + | '''Mr. Krabs' ancestor''': Sorry about the whole tricking you into being sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I've got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. (Puts another badge reading "Fry Cook" on SpongeBuck) |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Wow! Fry cook! (Everyone starts clapping) Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Wow! Fry cook! (Everyone starts clapping) Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say "Hey! I'm proud of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!" |
'''Citizens of Bikini Gulch''': Aaw! | '''Citizens of Bikini Gulch''': Aaw! | ||
| − | '''Fish 8''': Say seaweed! (Picture | + | '''Fish 8''': Say seaweed! (Picture is taken and the flashback ends) |
| − | '''SpongeBob''': So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch | + | '''SpongeBob''': So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch and everyone in it! I wonder what happened to the statue of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. (Sandy and SpongeBob walk out of the library) It was much better than that one we have now. (Both walk by the statue SpongeBob saw earlier) |
'''Sandy''': Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop. | '''Sandy''': Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop. | ||
| − | '''SpongeBob''': Wait a minute | + | '''SpongeBob''': Wait a minute! (Goes over and starts to pick at the jellyfish poop) |
'''Sandy''': Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eeew! What are you doing?! (SpongeBob wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold) That boy ain't hooked up right. | '''Sandy''': Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eeew! What are you doing?! (SpongeBob wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold) That boy ain't hooked up right. | ||
| Line 437: | Line 441: | ||
'''SpongeBob''': Look, Sandy! | '''SpongeBob''': Look, Sandy! | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': HUH? (The statue | + | '''Sandy''': HUH? (The statue is revealed to be the SpongeBuck statue) |
| − | '''SpongeBob''': SpongeBuck was here all | + | '''SpongeBob''': SpongeBuck was here all along! Sorry Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop. |
'''Sandy''': Wow! | '''Sandy''': Wow! | ||
| Line 445: | Line 449: | ||
'''SpongeBob''': I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants! | '''SpongeBob''': I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants! | ||
| − | '''Sandy''': Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming. | + | '''Sandy''': Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming. |
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Hey, | + | (Fade out. Fade in to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage, riding a coffin) |
| + | |||
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! (Pecos Patrick gets on stage, also riding a coffin) He's an idiot! (Everyone cheers) | ||
'''Pecos Patrick''': So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck? | '''Pecos Patrick''': So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck? | ||
| Line 458: | Line 464: | ||
Song: [[Idiot Friends]] | Song: [[Idiot Friends]] | ||
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': | ||
Who's there for you when you are sad and down? | Who's there for you when you are sad and down? | ||
| + | '''Skull Chorus''': | ||
Idiot Friends! | Idiot Friends! | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
Who picks you up and slaps you all around? | Who picks you up and slaps you all around? | ||
| + | '''Flower Chorus''': | ||
Idiot Friends! | Idiot Friends! | ||
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': | ||
Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town? | Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town? | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
Idiot Friends, | Idiot Friends, | ||
Idiot Friends, | Idiot Friends, | ||
| + | '''All''': | ||
Idiot Friends! | Idiot Friends! | ||
| − | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | |
Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do | Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do | ||
| + | '''All''': | ||
Idiot Friends! | Idiot Friends! | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
Dah de da da da da da do | Dah de da da da da da do | ||
| + | '''All''': | ||
Idiot Friends! | Idiot Friends! | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
De da da da-doodle, duh do | De da da da-doodle, duh do | ||
| − | '''Pecos Patrick''': You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? (Dead Eye pulls his pants down) | + | '''Pecos Patrick''': You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? (Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs evilly) |
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': | ||
Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground? | Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground? | ||
| Line 487: | Line 505: | ||
'''Pecos Patrick''': Okay. | '''Pecos Patrick''': Okay. | ||
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': | ||
Who lets you ride on his coffin, | Who lets you ride on his coffin, | ||
| + | '''Pecos Patrick''': | ||
Slaps you hard and often? | Slaps you hard and often? | ||
| + | '''SpongeBuck''': | ||
What do you and me have in common? | What do you and me have in common? | ||
| + | '''Both''': | ||
We're idiot friends! | We're idiot friends! | ||
(Everyone Cheers) | (Everyone Cheers) | ||
| − | '''SpongeBuck''': Thank you, thank you very much. | + | '''SpongeBuck''': Thank you, thank you very much. (End of act 2) |
{{Transcripts/Season 5}} | {{Transcripts/Season 5}} | ||
Revision as of 17:49, 7 February 2015
| Back Episode Transcript | Next Episode Transcript |
|---|---|
| To Save a Squirrel | 20,000 Patties Under the Sea |
Episode Article: Pest of the West
Characters
- SpongeBob
- Mr. Krabs
- Sandy
- Patrick
- Squidward
- SpongeBuck SquarePants
- Pecos Patrick
- Squidward's Western Ancestor
- Mr. Krabs' Western Ancestor
- Dead Eye Plankton
- Mrs. Puff's Western Ancestor
- Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch
- Fish 1-6
- Patrick's Great-Great Uncle Patrick Revere
- Sandy's Great Aunt Rosie Cheeks
- Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker
- Cowbone 1-2
Dialogue
(Act 1 starts at the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground, and imitates a truck backup alarm) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop...
Squidward: You're better off not knowing.
SpongeBob: ...Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir.
Fish 1: Do you always serve your food this way?
SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse)
Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, the mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!
SpongeBob: NOT THE MOLLUSKS!
Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?
SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?
Patrick: Nope. I was only pretending to be my famous Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (A flashback begins with Patrick Revere riding through town)
Patrick Revere: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!
Patrick: It's too bad nobody listened to him.
Fish 2: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in and fishes 2 and 3 scream) (Flashback ends)
SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.
Patrick: Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.
Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The Spendthrift Billfold System! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what appears to be a dollar bill from his wallet.) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?
SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Ah-ah-ah! Watch. (Pulls on the dollar and a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See?
SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?
Mr. Krabs: Every time!
SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.
Patrick: Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (Bubble-wipe to see SpongeBob standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop)
SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. Sigh I never realized how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in making karate-style movements)
Sandy: HI-YAH!
SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy.
Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.
SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?
Sandy: I sure do! My great Aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Spindletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a live-action squirrel standing on top of an oil tower)
Rosie Cheeks: She's ready to blow! (Oil spurts out of the ground and Rosie Cheeks jumps away. Flashback ends)
SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.
Sandy: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.
SpongeBob: Well, there was my Uncle Sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.)
Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (Bubble-wipe to Bikini Bottom Library, where Sandy pulls out a book.)
Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". (Reads from the book) Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants... Hey, looky here! (Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture)
SpongeBob: Gasp!
Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!
SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?
Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch. That's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days. (A flashback begins with a train coming into scene) It was a town that lived under the tyranny of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (Train stops; SpongeBuck gets off.)
SpongeBuck SquarePants: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.
Sandy: (narrating) Back in them days, the whole place was run by that no-good galoot, Dead Eye!
SpongeBuck: Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, willikers! They got an ice cream parlor! (Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor". Scroll down to another sign reading Ice Cream Parlor". SpongeBuck walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.
Fish 4: You're new here, aren't you?
SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.
Fish 4: You don't say. (Gives SpongeBuck the ice cream. As SpongeBuck licks it, the fish measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him. SpongeBuck exits and notices that some people are looking at him. He looks at them, and the others pull their hats down. SpongeBuck keeps walking and licking until he stops at a place full of music. That music is coming from a place called the Krusty Kantina)
Mr. Krabs' western ancestor: Business is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, ringing the bell by the door as he enters. Everyone stops)
SpongeBuck: Howdy do, y'all?
Squeeze Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.
Mr. Krabs' ancestor (Whispering to Squeeze): Charge him double for his drinks.
SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken?
Fish 5: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles)
Squeeze: What can I get you, stranger?
SpongeBuck: Give me a shot... of milk.
Squeeze: Milk?
SpongeBuck: Two percent.
Squeeze: Think you can handle it?
SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready Tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, which spills into his stomach, where a worm is living. SpongeBuck yells and falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth.
Squeeze: Right.
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?
Squeeze: Strange is right.
SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here in the big city. I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted')
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (Everyone cheers)
SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (Holds up the same paper but points to a small section that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin'-tootin', never-pootin' chili. The spiciest chili west of the old red barn. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No offense, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.
SpongeBuck: In a good way?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no take backs!
Squeeze: Since when?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (Shushes Squeeze) Shhhhhh! (Back to SpongeBuck) So that means, you're the new sheriff!
SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Uh, he's at Boot Hill.(Points out the window to a cemetery with a sign saying Boot Hill)
SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at Boot Hill?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Points out another window to a full cemetery with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill. Pecos Patrick bursts in)
Pecos Patrick: He's a-comin'! Dead Eye's a-comin'!
Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Dead Eye?!
Mr. Krabs' ancestor and Squeeze: Dead Eye?!
SpongeBuck: Who's Dead Eye?
Pecos Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Maestro, if you please. (Squeeze bows, sits at a player piano and cracks his knuckles. He is about to play, when he deposits a coin into the machine. Music starts playing)
Song: "Dead Eye"
Pecos Patrick: Oh, Bikini Gulch was a purty place With sweet water and blue sky. 'Til one day a beast come a-riding from the east By the name of Ol' Dead Eye. Chorus: That dirty, no-good Dead Eye! Pecos Patrick: Oh, he's robbed this town, He's pulled my pants down! Mrs. Puff's western ancestor: He made all the pretty girls cry! (sobs) Mr. Krabs' ancestor: That no-good goon wants my saloon! And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon! If we don't get some help here real soon, Chorus: We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye! We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try! Pecos Patrick: And if you think that's funny, Well, let me tell you, sonny, You won't be laughing when you SEE... (the patrons gasp) HIS... (another gasp) BIG... (gasp) RED... (gasp) DEAD EYE! Chorus: Dead Eye!
(On cue, Dead Eye Plankton comes through the door) Dead Eye: That's me! Dead Eye Plankton!
Pecos Patrick: Who?
Squeeze: We just sang a whole song about him!
Dead Eye: Well, what are you looking at?! (Everyone hides. Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, then pulls off Pecos Patrick's clothes)
Pecos Patrick: Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip. Squeeze and Mr. Krabs' ancestor duck)
Dead Eye: Get up you two! I'm here for my... money, Krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it).
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: (Laughs nervously) What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgage payments? I'm going broke here! (Dead Eye bends the coin)
Dead Eye: That's the idea! (Laughs) I thought we were all clear on that.
Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Oh, yeah. (Hands Dead Eye a bag of money)
Dead Eye: I'll be back at high noon tomorrow for the deed!
SpongeBuck: Hey! That's not your money!
Dead Eye: WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' ancestor points at SpongeBuck and everyone runs away) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch, not Yokelburg! (Laughs) Yokelburg... (Laughs again) Who are you anyway?
SpongeBuck: I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili?
Dead Eye: Sheriff! (Knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys!
SpongeBuck: Coffin jockeys!? (Runs over to Mr. Krabs' ancestor) You didn't say anything about that! (exits)
Dead Eye: (Pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff.
SpongeBuck: (Pretending to ride a coffin as if it were a horse) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! (Coffin neighs like a horse)
Dead Eye: Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' ancestor shrugs) All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it?
SpongeBuck: Uh huh.
Dead Eye: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us! Understand?
SpongeBuck: Yep.
Dead Eye: So, vamoose! Or we're going to have to settle this western-style at high noon, savvy?
SpongeBuck: Sounds great!
Dead Eye: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
SpongeBuck: Nope.
Dead Eye: Sigh (Cracks whip at SpongeBuck. The coffin runs away, carrying SpongeBuck with it) And stay out! (checks his watch again) Hey, only three seconds off my record! (Everyone is looking at Dead Eye) What are you hayseeds looking at? (cracks whip and everyone screams and runs away) Git! Get out of here!
Fish 6: What's gonna happen to the town now, pa?
Fish 7: I ain't your pa. (Both scream and run away)
Dead Eye: I love this town! (Laughs evilly and cracks his whip at the camera. End of Act 1.)
(Act 2 begins in the desert, and SpongeBuck is still riding the coffin like a horse)
SpongeBuck: Whoa, gal, whoa! Whoa! (Trips on a rock) Looks like the end of the trail. We're out of food... (shows his arm, with no hand) ...water, and lip balm! (Lip balm turns to dust. SpongeBuck's lips crack and break off) I'm sorry old Pine! Guess I'm gonna have to put you out of your misery! (takes out a saw) So long old friend! (Is about to saw coffin in half when...)
Cowbone 1: Hey, buddy, better be careful. Heat does funny things to your head.
SpongeBuck: It does?
Cowbone 2: Oh, don't listen to that guy, kid! He's looney! (Both laugh. SpongeBuck joins in and then sees Pecos Patrick also laughing)
Pecos Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBuck! Those guys are a barrel of laughs, huh? But lazy! Anyway, you've got to get back and save the town, sheriff!
SpongeBuck: I ain't no sheriff. Or fry cook or even coffin jockey, and I'm no match for Dead Eye Plankton! I'm nothing. (Pecos Patrick slaps him)
Pecos Patrick: Out west, a man gets right back up on his coffin and faces his problems with the help of his idiot sidekick friend! That's me! (Cut to a crudely-drawn picture of Pecos Patrick saying "Duuhh".)
SpongeBuck: I don't know... (Pecos Patrick slaps him again) Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just stop hurting me! Besides, you're right! It's time I looked fate in the eye! So, I'll go back to Dead Eye Gulch, whip Plankton, and save the town at high noon!
Pecos Patrick: Hop on, buddy! (SpongeBuck gets on Pecos Patrick's double-wide coffin)
SpongeBuck: Thanks, idiot friend! But I don't know how we'll ever get back to Dead Eye Gulch by high noon.
Pecos Patrick: Don't worry. I got a short cut. He-ya! (Starts riding coffin, which rides them off a cliff. Both land on a cactus, yell in pain and jump very high in the direction of Dead Eye Gulch. There we see a carriage riding around town, with the ancestors of both Mrs. Puff and Mr. Krabs, as well as Squeeze, inside)
Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Why are we going so fast?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: 'Cause without a sheriff, Dead Eye won't stop until he has the clothes off our backs! (Dead Eye is in the road)
Dead Eye: (Laughs evilly) Great idea! (Whipping is heard. Bubble-wipe. Mr. Krabs' ancestor, Mrs. Puff's ancestor, and Squeeze have been stripped down to their underclothes) Okay, let's see... (checking off a list) Personal possessions, clothes off your backs... That should about do it! Look, I'm just going to drop off all my new stuff at the bank. I'll be back at high noon to rub my victory in your face with a little dance. (Starts dancing) Uh huh, waa-waa! Uh huh, waa-waa!
Squeeze: I gotta admit, he's got skills.
Dead Eye: That's right! And when I take the deed to your saloon, Krabs, I'll own every building in town! And you'll all have to work for me the rest of your miserable lives! (laughs but then coughs) Swallowed a bug! I hate that. It totally ruins an evil laugh. Yee-haw! (Rides off)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: So, that's it.
Mrs. Puff's ancestor: We lost.
Squeeze: I don't know how it could get any worse. (SpongeBuck and Pecos Patrick come screaming to the ground)
SpongeBuck: Hi, guys! I'm back in the nick of time!
Pecos Patrick: We're heroes!
Squeeze: You're morons!
Mrs. Puff's ancestor: It's too late. Plankton's taken everything!
SpongeBuck: But it's only 11:55. The final showdown always takes place at high noon.
Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Well, I guess the early bird gets the worm.
Squeeze: And all our stuff.
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: And me money! (sniffs sadly) Me beautiful, beautiful money!
SpongeBuck: You can't give up! Before I came here, I would've given up, too. But in the short 20 minutes I've known you, I've come to love Dead Eye Gulch.
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Could you get to the point? We're freezing!
SpongeBuck: What I'm a-sayin' is: if we all team up together, we can stand up to Dead Eye Plankton, and run him right out of Dead Eye Gulch for good! So, what do you say?
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Well, I think we all know the answer.
All: Forget it, SpongeBuck!
Pecos Patrick: Why are you all standing in your pajamas? No, don't tell me. Oh, I know! You're throwing a slumber party! (Strips to his pajamas and brandishes a pillow) Pillow fight! (Whacks Squeeze with his pillow, laughs, then whacks SpongeBuck)
SpongeBuck: That pillow sure packs a wallop!
Pecos Patrick: It's made out of wood, (Pulls out a wooden log inside the pillow) like all pillows in the old west. Round 2?
SpongeBuck: I do believe I'd sit this one out.
Pecos Patrick: Looks like it's just you and me, kid. (Whacks himself with the log)
SpongeBuck: Come on, guys! We can do this! If we work together!
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: No offense, kid. But your advice is as terrible as your chili.
SpongeBuck: I don't blame you for losing faith. I lost faith too. But then, I discovered the love of my new idiot friend. And together we've come far. So I'm sure with all of us working together in idiot friendship, we can beat Dead Eye and save the town! So let's huddle up and make a plan, together! (whispering) Bzbzbzbzbzb
Pecos Patrick: Uh huh...
SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzb
Pecos Patrick: Uh huh, uh huh...
SpongeBuck: Bzbzbzbzbzbzbzbzb
Squeeze: Uh, SpongeBuck, why do you keep saying "bzbzbzbzbzbzb"?
SpongeBuck: Umm...
Squeeze: You don't have a plan, do you?
SpongeBuck: No. To be honest, I didn't think I'd get this far. (Everyone groans) But I know we can beat him! If we just work together!
Dead Eye: Oh, I am terrified.
All: Dead Eye Plankton?!
Dead Eye: So, fry cook, you're back! And all alone.
SpongeBuck: You wish, Dead Eye! We are united! Right, g-- Hey! (Sees all of SpongeBuck's friends hiding at the Krusty Kantina)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: We're right behind you boy! WAY, WAY behind you!
Dead Eye: So, it's come to this. Mano y mano.
SpongeBuck: Well, you can hold the mano, because it's come down to you and me!
Dead Eye: Well, well, well, look at the time! High noon! (A clock strikes 12:00. Dead Eye and SpongeBuck walk toward each other until SpongeBuck steps on Dead Eye) Ow! (Everyone who's hiding look at SpongeBuck, then come out and cheer) I hate all of you!
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Can I try?
Dead Eye: You can't do this! (Steps on Dead Eye)
Pecos Patrick: Three yee-haws for SpongeBuck!
Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! Yee-Haw! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Kantina, where Mr. Krabs' ancestor is holding a line for patrons to step on Dead Eye)
Mr. Krabs: Step right up, folks! Just a dollar to stomp on ol' Dead Eye Plankton! (Several patrons give a dollar each)
Dead Eye: (we see the patrons stepping on him) Ah! Ouch! Ooh!
Mrs. Puff's ancestor: Take that, you no-good little varmint!
Dead Eye: I have a lot of money! (Gets stepped on)
Pecos Patrick: Well, sheriff, you beat Dead Eye Plankton and saved the town. (SpongeBuck drinks a glass of milk, but Pecos Patrick spills his. Both say "Ahh" in contentment)
SpongeBuck: You forgot the most important part. I discovered the power of idiot friendship. (A crudely-drawn picture of them both going "Duuh" is displayed)
Pecos Patrick: Come with me, I want to show you something. (Cut to outside the Kantina)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Thank you, sheriff SpongeBuck, for saving our town. And for stepping on that little varmint.
Dead Eye: History will vindicate me! (Gets stepped on by Pecos Patrick)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: We melted down Plankton's gold and made a statue in your honor. (Pulls off a sheet revealing a golden statue of SpongeBuck on a coffin)
Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Oooh!
Squeeze: I liked my design better. (Shows a piece of paper with his idea on it. The drawing is actually of himself)
Mr. Krabs' ancestor: Sorry about the whole tricking you into being sheriff thing. And to make it up to you, I've got a new badge for you. If you'll take it. (Puts another badge reading "Fry Cook" on SpongeBuck)
SpongeBuck: Wow! Fry cook! (Everyone starts clapping) Thank you, good people of Bikini Gulch! The statue is truly amazing! Maybe a little too heavy in the hindquarters, but still, if I ever have a Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson, I'd want him to look at this and say "Hey! I'm proud of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!"
Citizens of Bikini Gulch: Aaw!
Fish 8: Say seaweed! (Picture is taken and the flashback ends)
SpongeBob: So my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa SpongeBuck saved the town of Bikini Gulch and everyone in it! I wonder what happened to the statue of my Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. (Sandy and SpongeBob walk out of the library) It was much better than that one we have now. (Both walk by the statue SpongeBob saw earlier)
Sandy: Yeah, and it's covered in jellyfish poop.
SpongeBob: Wait a minute! (Goes over and starts to pick at the jellyfish poop)
Sandy: Gross! Don't touch that, SpongeBob! Eeew! What are you doing?! (SpongeBob wipes the poop off the statue to reveal gold) That boy ain't hooked up right.
SpongeBob: Look, Sandy!
Sandy: HUH? (The statue is revealed to be the SpongeBuck statue)
SpongeBob: SpongeBuck was here all along! Sorry Great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. I didn't recognize you all covered in poop.
Sandy: Wow!
SpongeBob: I've got a lot to live up to. Maybe one day people will know the name SpongeBob SquarePants!
Sandy: Keep dreaming, SpongeBob. Keep dreaming.
(Fade out. Fade in to the Krusty Kantina where SpongeBuck is on stage, riding a coffin)
SpongeBuck: Hey, everybody! It's good to be here at the Krusty Kantina! We got a real special show for y'all tonight! Featuring my new best pal, this guy! (Pecos Patrick gets on stage, also riding a coffin) He's an idiot! (Everyone cheers)
Pecos Patrick: So, what are we gonna sing about, SpongeBuck?
SpongeBuck: We're gonna sing a song about friends!
Pecos Patrick: What kind of friends, SpongeBuck?
SpongeBuck: Well, listen up and I'll tell you!
Song: Idiot Friends
SpongeBuck: Who's there for you when you are sad and down? Skull Chorus: Idiot Friends! Pecos Patrick: Who picks you up and slaps you all around? Flower Chorus: Idiot Friends! SpongeBuck: Who puts thorns in you so you can save the town? Pecos Patrick: Idiot Friends, Idiot Friends, All: Idiot Friends! Pecos Patrick: Duh, duh duh duh du duh duh do All: Idiot Friends! Pecos Patrick: Dah de da da da da da do All: Idiot Friends! Pecos Patrick: De da da da-doodle, duh do
Pecos Patrick: You know SpongeBuck, all we've been singing about is what I've done for you. Well, what have you done for me? (Dead Eye pulls his pants down and laughs evilly)
SpongeBuck: Who helps you pick your pants up off the ground?
Pecos Patrick: Thanks, buddy!
Dead Eye: Curses!
Pecos Patrick: Only and idiot friend would do that!
SpongeBuck: Let's bring it home, idiot friend!
Pecos Patrick: Okay.
SpongeBuck: Who lets you ride on his coffin, Pecos Patrick: Slaps you hard and often? SpongeBuck: What do you and me have in common? Both: We're idiot friends!
(Everyone Cheers)
SpongeBuck: Thank you, thank you very much. (End of act 2)
