Episode Transcript: The Great Patty Caper

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Episode Article: The Great Patty Caper

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(episode begins in the Krusty Krab freezer. SpongeBob opens the door. He enters the room. He starts to shiver. While shivering, he passes by a frozen skeleton. He stops at a box. He looks down and screams. As he screams, the scene cuts to Squidward looking through the order window. At the dining area, four fish look up from their meals. It cuts to Mr. Krabs' office, where he is stacking some money, but the scream makes it fall. He runs to the freezer door)

Mr. Krabs: What is it, boy? (SpongeBob babbles. The light turns on and he points to the box. Walks over to him) SpongeBob? (stops walking and grabs an oxygen tank and puts it over SpongeBob's mouth. He stops babbling and starts taking deep breaths) There, there, kid. What's the big deal? (tosses the oxygen tank)

SpongeBob: M-M-M-M-Mr. Krabs! (cut to the box, which is empty) We're all out of Krabby Patties, sir.

Mr. Krabs: That's nothing to fuss over, boy. We'll just whip up a new batch, like we did in the old days! (bubble-wipe to Mr' Krabs' office, where a cauldron is shown. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are surrounding it) I know this process like the back of me claw. (grabs behind him for something) We always start with... (holds up an opened bag of flour) ...flour. (pours in the flour) Next, we add barnacle shavings. (holds up some barnacle shavings) It's like riding a boat-cycle, ain't it, boy? (pours in the barnacle shavings)

SpongeBob: You never forget, boss man.

Mr. Krabs: What do ya say we do the next one together, eh?

Mr. Krabs: (holds up a jar of sea salt) Sea salt.

SpongeBob: (holds up a jar of turmeric at the same time) Turmeric.

Mr. Krabs: What are you on about, boy? Third step's always sea salt.

SpongeBob: That's funny, I remember turmeric third. And doesn't the recipe call for land salt?

Mr. Krabs: It's sea salt. And don't you remember SCABS?

SpongeBob: SCABS, sir?

Mr. Krabs: (bubbles reading "S.C.A.B.S." appear above Mr. Krabs) Yeah, SCABS. You know, "salt comes after barnacle shavings." (Krabs pops each of the bubbles while he talks. Then bubbles reading "L.E.S.I.O.N.S." appear) Or was it LESIONS? Or wait... (the bubbles for LESIONS float away) No, that doesn't sound right either.

SpongeBob: Was it pustule?

Mr. Krabs: Heavens, no. That's disgusting. All right, tell you what, why don't I just go fetch the formula? We'll settle this once and for all. (walks over to his safe, humming, and opens it up. Plankton, who is holding the secret formula bottle and on a rocket, flies out of the safe. He laughs)

Plankton: No need to wonder about this. I got your formula. (laughs and pulls out a cowboy hat and hits it on the rocket) Yee-haw! (stops and flies backwards; Mr. Krabs is holding a magnet with the rocket, which has Plankton, who is holding the formula bottle, on it)

Mr. Krabs: Aren't you getting a little tired of this, Plankton? (shakes the magnet and the bottle falls into his other claw)

Plankton: Come on, Krabs, don't you have any respect for tradition? (Mr. Krabs, who is holding the rocket, with Plankton still on it, goes to the front door)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, ho, ho, ho, Of course, I do. That's why I'm doing this. (lets go of the rocket, which flies into a Chum Bucket front door window)

Plankton: Ow. (inside the dining area of the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs walks up to SpongeBob)

Mr. Krabs: I need to somehow get Plankton to stop comin' after me precious formula.

SpongeBob: Hmm, I know! To keep Gary out of the biscuit tin, I hide the biscuits somewhere far away, like Patrick's house. Unfortunately, Patrick ends up eating the biscuits anyway.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, that's it, you genius. You just solved me decades-old dellemer. (runs away)

SpongeBob: I'm warning you, Mr. Krabs, Patrick'll eat anything you give him! (cut to a TV with a realistic fish head [referred to as "Elaine" in this episode] on it. There is also a card that reads "Bikini Bottom Special Report")

Realistic Fish Head/Elaine: Breaking news! (the card changes to show Mr. Krabs holding the recipe bottle, then later changes again to show the formula slightly above Mr. Krabs' claw, tilted, and the "thumb" part of his claw extended further, while the realistic fish head is talking) Earlier today, Mr. Eugene Krabs, proprietor of the Krusty Krab restaurant, parted with his beloved secret formula. We now go to Perch Perkins live on the scene. (cut to Perch Perkins outside the Krusty Krab)

Perch Perkins: Thanks, Elaine. Just moments ago, Eugene Krabs sent his famously delicious secret Krabby Patty formula packing. (Mr. Krabs, who is holding the formula bottle, and SpongeBob are shown outside of a truck, which contains a safe. They are in tears)

Mr. Krabs: Take care of yourself, little formula. (puts the formula bottle into the safe and closes it. The truck's backdoor then shuts. It is escorted by two highway patrol officers inside a Bikini Bottom Movers truck. It drives onto a platform with wheels, which is attached to a subway front car. It goes for a while until the platform is lifted by a helicopter, which lifts it into a cargo plane. The plane then flies away. Cut to SpongeBob, holding Perch's microphone)

SpongeBob: (crying) Good-bye, secret recipe!

Perch: (struggles to get the microphone out of SpongeBob's hands) We wanted to ask Mr. Eugene Krabs. (manages to get the microphone free) What compelled him to take such drastic measures?

Mr. Krabs: Well, it's simple, Perch. (Mr. Krabs is shown on a television screen) It seems keeping me secret formula in hand has proven to be all too temptin' for a certain diminutive one-eyed criminal element of society. (pan out to reveal that the television is being watched by Plankton in the Chum Bucket. The TV turns off while Mr. Krabs is talking)

Plankton: So, I finally got him in full retreat. (evilly laughs. Bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs' office, where Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are around the cauldron)

Mr. Krabs: All right, boy, let's get back to making them patties.

SpongeBob: I believe we were at turmeric.

Mr. Krabs: Boy, I thought I told you--

SpongeBob: Oh, no! We forgot to look at the...

Mr. Krabs: Formula, yeah.

SpongeBob: And that formula is...

Mr. Krabs: On the opposite side of the ocean, yeah. (groans and walks to the wall, which has the door. Hits his head on the wall while he talks) And now I've gotta go all the way there to get it. (SpongeBob walks over to Mr. Krabs)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I'll do it. Send me to retrieve that formula.

Mr. Krabs: Think you're up for the challenge?

SpongeBob: Uh-huh.

Mr. Krabs: Well, all right then. (grabs SpongeBob by the side) The formula is now stowed in a safe-deposit box in the ocean's largest, safest bank in Way-Far-Out-Of-Town-Ville. (grabs a key while he is explaining)

SpongeBob: Ah, and that's the key to the box, eh, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: This? No. This is the key to me heart. (pulls down his shirt, revealing a locked door on his chest, then uses the key on it and opens the door, which reveals his heart. Puts his hand into his chest and takes out another key) This is the safe-deposit box key.

SpongeBob: (grabs for the key) Oh, thank you Mr.--

Mr. Krabs: (pulls the key away) Not so fast, kid. I want you to protect this at all costs. You mustn't let it out of your sight. I now bestow unto you the key to the future of The Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob: I humbly accept this key and vow to guard it with my very life. (takes the key) It shan't leaveth my sight.

Mr. Krabs: (Plankton hears the conversation with some technology of his) Good, let's get you over at the train station.

Plankton: This is too easy. Karen, I'm off on a business trip. Don't wait up for me, baby. (bubble-wipe to the train station)

SpongeBob: The Oceanic Express. (the train whistles) Wish me luck.

Mr. Krabs: Remember what I told you, boy? Keep your eye on the key.

Butler: I can take your luggage for you, sir. (grabs Patrick, SpongeBob's best friend) Please follow me.

SpongeBob: Wow, a real-life butler.

Butler: I am not a butler.

Train Conductor: All aboard!

SpongeBob: Bye, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Good luck, me boy! Don't let me down! (the train starts to leave as a bus drives up)

Plankton: (gets out of the bus and runs up to the train) Wait! Wait for me! (sighs) Barnacles, I knew I should have sprung for a taxi! Curse you, public transport! Why I oughta-- (train steam sends Plankton onto the road when a bus immediately smashes him) Oh, now they're on time... Uh-uh... (bubble-wipe to inside of train)

Butler: Your sleeping quarters. (tosses Patrick in there) I trust everything is to your liking.

SpongeBob: Couldn't be better, butler.

Butler: Ahem. Perhaps Monsieur did not hear me. I trust everything is to your liking.

SpongeBob: Oh, oh yes, of course! How silly of me.

Butler: An honest mistake, monsieur.

SpongeBob: Thank you, my good man. (hands the butler a used, plastic burrito wrapper) I've been hunting for a trash can for at least ten minutes. Thanks again, French guy.

Patrick: Peek-a-boo!

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, remember, we're on an important mission here. So keep your eyes open for any suspicious characters.

Patrick: (his reflection in the mirror gets an angry face while the real Patrick asks SpongeBob a question) SpongeBob, does that guy look suspicious to you? (looks back at the reflection) I think he might be spying on us. (Patrick's reflection goes away) Hey, where'd he go?! All this suspicious thing is making me hungry. (rubs his tummy)

SpongeBob: Well, then follow me to the dining car.

Plankton: (climbs on top of a bus) Looks like it's starting to roll my way for a change. And nothing dares stand in my way! (jumps) Uh-oh. (an 18-wheeler blocks his way and he splatters on the windshield. The driver is disgusted by the large green smear and turns on the wipers to scrape squashed Plankton off. Floats on down to the train) I knew I'd make it... (cut to the dining car)

SpongeBob: Ooh... Fancy.

Patrick: Yeah. And they gave you so much food, you need two forks. (a baby is heard crying)

SpongeBob: (to the baby) Aw, what a cute little baby. No need to fuss, little fella.

Nanny: I just can't get him to stop crying. The poor dear.

SpongeBob: (sits down on a chair) Hi again, kind butler.

Butler: (sighs) So sorry monsieur. The dining car is closed now.

SpongeBob: (looks at his watch) But we haven't even heard the specials yet.

Butler: No, the dining car is over for you. (grabs the chair SpongeBob is sitting on) You must leave now. (pushes the chair forward at an angle and SpongeBob stumbles around. He trips over a purse. A lady picks him up)

SpongeBob: Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Lady: That's quite alright, handsome. (cut to a train terrace)

SpongeBob: Huh, friendly lady. Well, Patrick, we'd better find a safe place to store this for the night. (SpongeBob is holding the key but it's not there)

Patrick: What is that?

SpongeBob: That my dear Patrick is-- (sees the key is missing) The key! Patrick, where is the key? Oh, no, I took a solemn oath. (Plankton is walking by angrily) Plankton! You stole the safety-deposit key.

Plankton: Oh, come on, I just got here. I couldn't have stolen it yet.

SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well no offense, but I don't believe you.

Plankton: You calling me a liar?

SpongeBob: Yes. Search him, Patrick.

Patrick: (puts on latex gloves) With pleasure. Prepare for a thorough search, shorty.

Plankton: Oh, drat.

Patrick: (picks up a bowl) Just after I scrub this bowl. (scrubs the bowl) Alright, Plankton, time to squeeze the key out of you. (takes out some clamps. Plankton gasps) After my tasty snack. (uses the clamp to crush the nut. Plankton runs and screams) He's clean. (drops Plankton)

Plankton: (grunts) I told you I wasn't lying.

SpongeBob: Well, if you didn't steal it, then who did? It must've been someone on this train. Patrick, call the cops.

Patrick: (puts his head out the window) Cops, I need you! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab)

Crowd: (chanting) We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!

Customer: Just give me a patty, man.

Squidward: (to the customers) For the last time, we're out of patties. (customers shout) No need to get excited now.

Customer: We want our patties, man. (destroys the cash register)

Squidward: That's Krusty Krab property. (another customer rips off a pole) That's a load-bearing column. (customer swings the pole at Squidward. Ducks) Hurry, SpongeBob. (bubble-wipe to the train being stopped with all riders outside the train)

SpongeBob: As you know, an unspeakable crime has been committed here today and each of you have the means to do it. The question is who? You there, you're not fooling me with that innocent act. (points at the baby) Where were you at 6:42pm on the night of January 16? And don't give me that goo-goo-ga-ga stuff.

Plankton: Oh brother.

SpongeBob: Mr. Police Commissioner?

Commissioner: Yes, Mr. SquarePants?

SpongeBob: I sub-- (turns around and walks into the policeman) I submit to you that the perpetrator of this heinous theft is none other than...the nanny.

Nanny: (nervous chuckling) I haven't stolen a thing.

SpongeBob: Sir, if you search this baby's diaper, you'll find the stolen key.

Commissioner: Yes, Mr. SquarePants. (uses tongs to dig into the diaper. A metal sound clinks) Aha!

SpongeBob: The key!

Commissioner: (uses tongs to take out a huge diamond) At last I found it. Thank you, Mr. SquarePants. You uncovered Neptune's jewel of the sea and nabbed the infamous Jewel Triplets Gang.

SpongeBob: Triplets?

Baby Triplet: (deep voice) I told you taking the train was a mistake.

Triplet #2: (the nanny's costume falls off, revealing that a third baby fish was the legs of the nanny) Well, we wouldn't be on the lam if you hadn't applied for that discount card.

Baby Triplet: Well, can I help it if I'm frugal?

Commissioner: Tell it to your cellmate, junior. (handcuffs the baby)

SpongeBob: If they didn't do it...that means the key was stolen by...the butler.

Butler: (sighs) I certainly did not.

SpongeBob: We know you did it. The butler always commits the crime.

Butler: For the last time, I am not a butler. I don't even have the butler accent.

Patrick: You may not be a butler, but are you a werewolf? (there is a full moon. A fish walks up and grows hair and changes into a werewolf. He howls and runs off)

Plankton: Okay, butler, you may have hoodwinked the sponge, but I ain't no pushover! (gets hit with a piece of popcorn from Patrick)

Patrick: Sorry. (chomps on his popcorn)

Plankton: Anyway, since you didn't steal the key, then you'd obviously submit to a search of your cabin.

Butler: I do not have a cabin. I sleep on the luggage.

Plankton: Aha, that's how you stole it! Give it to me. Give me the key.

SpongeBob: Need I remind you, Plankton, that you are still a suspect yourself.

Plankton: Uh, I-I mean, give SpongeBob back the key.

SpongeBob: I don't believe either of you. Shake 'em down. (a big muscular police officer comes and turns the butler upside-down and shakes him. Plankton falls on the ground and gets hit with a nail clipper, a hammer, and an anvil from the butler's pockets)

Keystone Cop: Nothing suspicious here. (the butler's head, which is just a mask, falls off) Except for the fact that you just outed Oran J. Roughy, international fugitive wanted for the embezzlement of over 75,000 bucks worth of ham sandwiches. (Patrick screams)

SpongeBob: After all this, I still haven't found the key and I broke my vow to Mr. Krabs. (sobs) I don't deserve to work at the Krusty Krab.

Patrick: (picking his teeth with the key) Don't worry, buddy. I'm sure it'll turn up.

SpongeBob: The key! Patrick! Where in the ocean's depth did you find it?

Patrick: I found it when I was cleaning your shorts from your little "accident" earlier.

SpongeBob: Well, that is great news.

Patrick: (yawns) Anyways, I'm gonna hit the sack. I'm pooped. I'm sure you can relate.

SpongeBob: Uh, yeah, me, too. (runs up into the train)

Plankton: (hiding behind the door hinges) Me, three. (laughs. Bubble-wipe to the train moving. SpongeBob and Patrick are grunting as they try to get cozy in their very tight cabin space)

Patrick: Say, would you mind scooching over? I can't even move my eyebrows.

SpongeBob: I'm trying. Sheesh, this isn't exactly a luxury suite.

Plankton: Here, maybe I can help. (opens a window. SpongeBob and Patrick stick out their tongues like dogs)

SpongeBob: (sighs) Fresh water.

Patrick: What a cool view.

Plankton: Yeah, have a better look. (hits them both with a 2x4 wood plank, sending them out of the train and down a sandy hill. The train whistles) And thanks for the key! (laughs)

Patrick: Well, I guess he lost us. You ready to call it a day, SpongeBob? (SpongeBob runs off) Guess not. (runs after him)

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, on the count of three, we'll jump on, okay?

Patrick: Gotcha, pal. Oh, wait, I can't count that high. Can we just jump on the count of one?

SpongeBob: That'll work, too. Okay, on the count of one-- what the? (they come to a cliff. The train is still riding off)

Patrick: Great, now what?

SpongeBob: Patrick, hop up on my back.

Patrick: Well, I don't think this is the right time for a piggyback ride.

SpongeBob: Just do it.

Patrick: Okay. But I don't see how this is gonna get us any closer to the tr-- (screams; SpongeBob has jumped off the cliff) Are you crazy?! No! Please! I'm sorry for any grief I've caused you! Don't do it, please! (cries. SpongeBob flips onto Patrick's back and turns himself into a hang-glider) Hey, we're flying!

SpongeBob: There you go, buddy. (sets Patrick on top of the train. They both go into the train in search of Plankton) Oh, Plankton!

Patrick: You can't hide forever. (both yelp as a bunch of luggage falls on them)

Plankton: Looks like you've got a lot on your mind. (runs off. SpongeBob and Patrick chase after him through many train doors of the caboose and the passenger coaches and head through the coal tender and enter the engine's cabin)

SpongeBob: Alright, Plankton, end of the line! (sees the train controls, only to find that Plankton is not there) Plankton!

Plankton: Over here, choo-choo heads. (laughs as he closes the door and then separates the train by uncoupling the tender, passenger coaches, and caboose from the engine)

Patrick: That was odd.

SpongeBob: Yeah, and Plankton still has the key. (sees the engine leaving the train behind) Patrick, we've got a big problem. Look. (the engine is gone)

Patrick: Hey, where'd all those-- those shiny tubes?

SpongeBob: That's just it, Patrick, they aren't there.

Patrick: Hmm. In that case... (he and SpongeBob scream. Cut back to the other train parts with the tender, passenger coaches, and caboose)

Passenger #1: Hey, what's going on?

Passenger #2: I've got places to be.

Passenger #3: Let's go already!

Plankton: (opens one of the train doors and Far-Out-Ville and the bank are shown across the way) It's too easy. (cut back to the head of the train)

SpongeBob: Patrick, we have to stop this thing! Go see if you can do something with that stuff. I'll try and get the door open.

Patrick: What do I do? What do I do? (reads the brake signal) B-R-A-K-E. Break! I can do that. (pulls the brake handle. Walks up to SpongeBob) Well, SpongeBob, I think our troubles are over. (shows the brake handle that he just broke in his hand)

SpongeBob: (peers back and screams in fear when he sees that Patrick has broken the brake signal off) You broke the brake?

Patrick: It told me to.

SpongeBob: What do we do now? (starts pushing the buttons and messing around with the controls) Oh, one of these thing-a-ma-hoozies has to stop the train. Patrick, try something!

Patrick: I'm on it. (starts shoveling coal into the engine's firebox) Maybe shoveling in these black rocks will help. (the train engine overheats and runs out of control as if it might fall apart. At a train signal station, SpongeBob and Patrick signal for help over the radio)

SpongeBob and Patrick: We're on an out-of-control train! (a man spits out his coffee)

Man: This is central control to engine five. Do you copy?

SpongeBob: Oh, uh, yes, sir. I copy. I'm SpongeBob and I'm on an out-of-control train.

Man: Kid, let me talk to the engineer.

SpongeBob: Um, who?

Man: The guy driving the train.

SpongeBob: Oh, uh, th-that would be me. And Patrick's here, too. Say hi to the nice gentleman, Patrick.

Patrick: Hi.

SpongeBob: Oh, the back of the train is gone!

Man: Oh, no. (looks at the map) The train's headed straight for the rest home. (picture of Rest Home) And that means...

SpongeBob: Means what? Means what? What does that mean, mister?

Man: (snaps on helmet) It means that train's coming right through that-- (the train engine crashes through the train depot) Beware the Twisted Trestles, kid! (lets go of the train engine)

SpongeBob: What is that?

Man: (points) That's that. (the train engine goes through some looping tracks. SpongeBob and Patrick cheer and laugh)

SpongeBob and Patrick: (sigh) That was fun.

Patrick: Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. I'll save us! (runs faster than the engine and holds up a 'STOP' sign. The train keeps going, knocking the sign away. Tries again but uses a lemonade stand) Ice-cold lemonade! Get your ice-cold, tasty, refreshing, and also ice-cold lemon... (groans. The train engine passes by, knocking the stand down) Hey! Everyone stops for free lemonade! (runs past the train again)

SpongeBob: 'Attaboy, Patrick. Don't give... (Patrick puts down a giant piece of coral rock)

Patrick: I'm a hero! (the overheating engine flips around and slides on the tracks) Hey. Hey, wait for me... (climbs into the engine's cabin) Hey, SpongeBob! (the train engine crashes through a tunnel)

SpongeBob: Whoa! Whoa! (the overheating train engine is getting near the Rest Home)

Rest Home Citizen: There's a train behind you.

Rest Home Citizen #2: How many times do you think I'm falling for that one?

Patrick: Hey, would you quit messing around? You're making me sick. (the train engine stops before hitting the Rest Home. One of the citizens peeks at the other one's cards)

Rest Home Citizen #2: Hey! (SpongeBob and Patrick sigh)

SpongeBob: Sorry, oldsters, we'd love to stay and help you clean up the mess, but we've got a formula to save. (the train engine starts again but back toward Far-Out-Ville)

Patrick: Hmm. (reads the throttle letters) T-H-R-O-T-T-L-E. Break! I can do that. (breaks the throttle handle. Walks up to SpongeBob) You didn't need this, did you? (the engine starts to increase its speed and go faster and faster. Cut to the bank)

Plankton: Hee hee hee hee hee. Ha ha ha ha ha. (uses a ladder to get up to the safe-deposit box) Come to papa! (opens box and gets formula) At last, my day of triumph has come! Again.

Mr. Krabs: Well, well. (turns on a light)

Plankton: What? B-b-but how?

Mr. Krabs: You honestly didn't think I would have left you out of this elaborate equation, did you?

Plankton: I can explain, Eugene. I, uh, I was just keeping it warm for you. Yeah.

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Sure. I believe ya. (grabs Plankton) Say, since you went through all the trouble of getting here, there you go, Plankton. (as he puts Plankton in his safe-deposit box, Plankton jumps out and gets the formula) Enjoy the scenery. Hey, where'd he go?

Plankton: Checkmate, Krabs! (laughs evilly. The runaway engine runs into the bank and squishes Plankton) Ow.

Mr. Krabs: Good job, boyo.

SpongeBob: I simply refused to fail, sir.

Bank Teller: (clears throat) That's all very wonderful, but do you mind telling me how you intend to pay for the damage to the bank?

Mr. Krabs: Uh... You know, I just remembered, I'm late for a very important meetin'! Take care of it, will ya boy?

Bank Teller: (grabs Mr. Krabs) Not so fast, Krabs. Looks like you have just enough in your bank account to cover the cost.

Mr. Krabs: No...! (time card appears)

French Narrator: 75 years later...

SpongeBob: (now old and in a futuristic Bikini Bottom) And that was the story of the great train caper. Didn't you find it exciting?

SpongeBob's Grandson: (playing a game) Shh! I just beat my high score! Oh, yeah!

SpongeBob: Kids today. (snores)

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Season 1	Season 1
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