Episode Transcript: Pickles

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Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy	Hall Monitor

Episode Article: Pickles

Characters

Dialogue

Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order?

Customer: Hmmm...uhh...oh, I’ll have a... (Squidward takes out pencil and paper) ...no. (Squidward puts pencil and paper away) Maybe... (takes out pencil and paper) ...no. (Squidward puts pencil and paper away) Hmmm...I’ll have... (takes out pencil and paper) ...no. Or maybe...

Squidward: Are you planning on ordering (today), sir?

Customer: I'll have a Krabby Patty. (Squidward writes down order)

Squidward: How original.

Customer: And with extra onions.

Squidward: Daring today, aren’t we? (takes order and shows SpongeBob) One Krabby Patty, extra onions. (SpongeBob takes piece of paper and puts with the rest of the orders)

SpongeBob: One cryin’ Johnny comin’ up! First bun, then patty, followed by ketchup, mustard, pickles, (extra) onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and bun, in that order. One cryin’ Johnny! Up! (rings bell)

Squidward: Whatever. (another customer comes up and tells Squidward what he wants and Squidward relays order to SpongeBob) Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns! (SpongeBob takes a plate and patties begin to appear on the plate)

SpongeBob: One dozen cryin’ cows on the farm! Up! (Squidward takes the plate)

Squidward: Thanks, Farmer Brown. (at customer) It’s been a thrill serving you.

Customer #2: Can I get some extra salt?

Squidward: We’re all out.

Customer #2: Could you check?

Squidward: No... (A Fish walks up to order) Let me guess, Tiny, a small salad?

Dark Green Fish: I’ll take a Double Triple Barfy Deluxe on a raft, 4x4, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. (Squidward gives up writing all of that down)

Squidward: We serve food here, sir. (SpongeBob shows Squidward he's already gotten the order done)

SpongeBob: I got it already, Squidward. (gasps) Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass: (pushes Squidward away) Squarepants. I hear talk you make a mean Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob: (staring at Bubble Bass) Yep. I hear talk you’re kinda picky.

Bubble Bass: Yep.

SpongeBob: Well, then here ya go! (Bubble Bass takes the plate and sits down where he plays with the krabby patty until he decides to take a bite) Well, Bubble Bass, whaddya think?

Bubble Bass: This is pretty good. Only one thing...you forgot the pickles! (shows no pickles on the burger)

SpongeBob: No!

Bubble Bass: The best there is? I don’t think so. You lose! (laughs)

SpongeBob: (checks patty for pickles) But, the pickles should be right where they always are. I know I put them on! (customers are disappointed) Where are those pickles? Pickles! Pickles! Pickles! (Bubble Bass walks up to Mr. Krabs but also throws Squidward out of the way)

Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.

Mr. Krabs: Two bucks?!

Bubble Bass: Your guarantee. (points to the menu where in tiny print it says 'money-back guarantee')

Mr. Krabs: Oh. That. Well, can’t we talk about this? (takes out two dollars and Bubble Bass grabs it)

Bubble Bass: No. (Krabs tries to take money back)

Mr. Krabs: How about a discount on restroom tokens? (Bubble Bass takes money back)

Bubble Bass: Afraid not.

Mr. Krabs: How’s about a free glass of water? A dozen free glasses of water! I’ll even put ice in it! (Bubble Bass walks out the Krusty Krab with the money) No! Come back! Two dollars! Two dollars, no! No! (walks over to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Mr.. Krabs, I know I put pickles on that Krabby Patty.

Mr. Krabs: (grabs SpongeBob) That two bucks is comin’ out of your paycheck! (SpongeBob tries to hang onto the floor)

SpongeBob: Wait! Wait! Wait! (Mr. Krabs throws SpongeBob into the kitchen)

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, we got orders waitin’!

Squidward: I need a Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob: Ok, I am not gonna blow it this time. Let’s see. Bun down. Then ketchup, then mustard, then pickles? No! That’s not right! (starts a new patty) Bun down. Mustard, then ketchup, lettuce, then the pickles? No! (tries again) Mustard down, bun stuff down d'oh, where’s the patty go? (tries again and uses the same bun) Pickles, ketchup, wait! Think! Think! I’m losin’ it! (tries again) Bun down, shoe, mustard, pan, bun...no! (Mr. Krabs comes in) Mr. Krabs, I am so confused. I can’t remember how to do anything.

Mr. Krabs: Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?

SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr.. Krabs. Who will make the Krabby Patties?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, don’t worry about that. We’ve got Squidward!

Squidward: Huh? (SpongeBob walks out and goes home)

SpongeBob: Mr.. Krabs is right. I need to get my head straight. Now is it bun, patty, ketchup... (looks up and notices door is not there) The door! The door! Mr. Krabs, the front door is missing!! (Mr. Krabs opens door a couple feet away) Oh. (laughs) Sorry about that, Mr. Krabs. This pickle thing has got me all messed up. I better get on home and rest my brain. (walks out) Uhh, which way do I live? (Mr. Krabs points the path) Of course. (laughs. Later, we see SpongeBob in his house trying to write down the formula) No, no! Was it bun, patty, bun... Let’s see, tomatoes, pickles, bun? No. Bun? No. Bun? No. Shoe? (throws paper and pencil away) I am so confused! Maybe a good night’s sleep will help me get my head on straight. (at night)

SpongeBob: Oh...was it mattress, mattress, sheets, pillow, then SpongeBob? Or... (hits head with fist) D'oh...think, Sponge! Oh yeah! It was mattress, (SpongeBob), mattress, then sheets, pillow. (gets inbetween the two mattresses) Good-night, Gary.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Aw, this isn’t right. (he slips out and stands upside-down on his bed) Good-night, Gary.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Wait, this isn’t right either. (SpongeBob lays down on his back) Nope. (SpongeBob is between each railing of the ladder) Nuh-uh. (tries sleeping with a mattress on his head) Negative. )tries sleeping on the ground next to his mattresses) C'mon, c'mon! Get it right. (tries in the the lifesaver) Wrong. (keeps doing the wrong things as the clock fast-forwards to morning where the alarm goes off. SpongeBob is under all three mattresses on the floor) Aww, I almost had it! Alarm clock. D'oh, how do I turn this thing off? Think, think, think, think!

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Gary! (picks up Gary and shoves him in the foghorn alarm where it is still going off.) (at Krusty Krab)

Squidward: (there is black smoke coming from kitchen. Squidward clears the smoke off with a fire extinguisher) Patties are done. (Mr. Krabs notices black, burnt patties and gets irritated)

Customer #3: Hey, he burnt my Krabby Patty.

Customer #4: He burnt my fries.

Customer #5: He burnt my shake. (everyone leaves)

Mr. Krabs: No! Come back! No! Arrgh... I gotta get SpongeBob back! (Mr. Krabs is at SpongeBob's house when he notices a toaster nailed to the door. He opens the door and walks in) SpongeBob? (the house is a total disaster as everything is misplaced and things are everywhere and opposite) SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?

Mr. Krabs: Why you talkin’ funny, lad? (takes the underwear off SpongeBob's head)

SpongeBob: I anything can’t do right since because pickles.

Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, you’ll be back makin’ Krabby Patties like your old self in no time!

SpongeBob: I think don’t ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. (walks off)

Mr. Krabs: But you’re fine, me boy! (SpongeBob walks right through the wooden kitchen door) Ohh...uhh, well...maybe not. (walksinto the kitchen where SpongeBob is nailing a piece of bread to the table) All we need to do is get your confidence back. So, you can make me more money! I-I-I mean, patties. (chuckles)

SpongeBob: I how do that?

Mr. Krabs: It’s like riding a bike. You never forget! (notices a bike in a boiling pot of water on the stove) Uhh...I’m gonna help ya! (shown both of them sitting on the ground in SpongeBob's living room) If you learn to make a Krabby Patty again, your life will be back in order. (takes out a blanket with all the ingredients on it)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I don’t know if I...

Mr. Krabs: Take your time. (SpongeBob thinks of the krabby patty formula. It soon turns to night then day again. SpongeBob reaches for a bun and Mr. Krabs gets excited. SpongeBob puts bun back down)

SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. (Day becomes night again. Then day again and then night again. Mr. Krabs is sleeping till SpongeBob wakes him up) I got it! I got it! It’s all very clear to me now, Mr.. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: It is?

SpongeBob: Yes! I finally realize that I can’t do it! I can’t do it, Mr. Krabs! I’m a failure!

Mr. Krabs: Don’t talk like that!

SpongeBob: Don’t you get it, you crustaceous cheapskate! I can’t make a Double Krabby Patty with the works! (makes patty as he tells Mr. Krabs the ingredients) I can’t put a patty on a bun, with lettuce, cheese, onions, tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and top bun together in that order! (notices the patty he just made)

Mr. Krabs: (squinting his eyes at SpongeBob) It’s time. (at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs enter through the double doors. SpongeBob walks back into the kitchen and shoves Squidward out. Then grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays it at Squidward's back. A fish walks by)

Citizen: Hey, SpongeBob’s back! (everyone enters the Krusty Krab after hearing the good news. SpongeBob looks at his reflection in a spatula. Bubble Bass enters and pushes the crowd away)

Bubble Bass: I hear Squarepants is back. (SpongeBob opens the kitchen door)

SpongeBob: I’m right here, Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass: I thought I ran you out of town. (spits a loogie into a bucket)

SpongeBob: This is where I belong. (blows a bubble. Bubble Bass screams) Rawr. (customers gasp as Bubble Bass holds up a knife and fork and SpongeBob holds up a spatula. We are then shown the customers, a sweaty Mr. Krabs, and Squidward looking at himself in a mirror. Squidward sees everyone looking at him and puts mirror away.)

Bubble Bass: Give me the regular. And this time, don’t forget the pickles. (SpongeBob rushes off into the kitchen to make it and quickly comes back out with his spatula twirling in his hands)

SpongeBob: I didn’t. (Bubble Bass takes a bite out of the patty. Then we are shown a sweaty Mr. Krabs & Squidward looking at himself in the mirror again. He sees everyone looking at him and so he puts the mirror away)

Bubble Bass: Still no pickles! (everyone gasps) See? (sticks out his tongue with all the chewed up food on it. Everyone is getting sick at the sight of it) You failed again, SpongeBob LoserPants! (laughs)

SpongeBob: Wait a minute! (grabs Bubble Bass’ tongue and pulls it out) Look! (shows four pickles under Bubble Bass' tongue) He’s been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

Mr. Krabs: And there’s the pickles from last time too!

Evelyn: And there’s my car keys! (everyone walks up to Bubble Bass)

Bubble Bass: And there’s my ride! (runs out the Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip!

Customers: Hooray!

Squidward: Hooray.

Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!

Customers: Hooray!

Squidward: Whoop-de-doo.

Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!

Customers: Hooray!

Squidward: Oh boy.