Accept No Substitutes!

Accept No Substitutes! is a comic featured in Nickelodeon Magazine and Comic Crazy...Take 2!. In the comic, Patrick becomes the substitute teacher when Mrs. Puff is out sick.

Plot

SpongeBob heads to Mrs. Puff's Boating School but learns upon arrival that Mrs. Puff is sick and a substitute teacher will teach. While SpongeBob waits for the substitute teacher, his fellow students have fun around the classroom and he's thrown out by two of the students. He sees Patrick outside and assumes he's the substitute teacher.

Patrick begins to substitute teach, but his stupidity quickly becomes troubling for SpongeBob; he calls the bow of a boat the "front" and the starboard the "right" side, and his idea of what to do when turning, instead of turning on the directional signal, is screaming "Everybody, out of my way!" He then gives the entire class a pop quiz with the following questions:

• "What's my name?"
• "What do you call the front of the boat?"
• "Am I the best teacher ever?"

The entire class gets an A, SpongeBob being the only exception (he gets a F, to his shock). When it comes time for driving lessons, Patrick drives off and returns with a pizza. SpongeBob is then given the chance to drive, but Patrick tells him to "floor it" first. This, of course, leads to chaos. The boat flies from Boating School and lands on the road. SpongeBob nearly hits Squidward, who was walking with some groceries, and heads to Jellyfish Fields and directly into a swarm of jellyfish. Patrick tells SpongeBob to close his eyes "when things look scary" and suggests that he "try to smell some food and steer toward that" when asked by SpongeBob how he'll know which way to go. He then drives over Sandy's Treedome, into a soccer game (during which SpongeBob is forced to steer with his feet) and crashes into Mrs. Puff's house. Patrick heads for the house's bathroom while Mrs. Puff reveals that Patrick is not the real substitute teacher.

Back in Boating School, it is revealed that Plankton was the real substitute teacher, but everyone else is gone by the time he arrives.