Episode Transcript: Graveyard Shift

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Episode Article: Graveyard Shift

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Narrator: Ah, The Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about ...
Squidward: (talks cheerfully as he switched the Open sign to Closed) Now! 8:00! So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is: (pulls out his clarinet) Clarinet. (Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it) What?
Tom: Are you open?
Squidward: (points to sign) Read the sign.
Tom: I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
Squidward: No, you won't! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life.
Tom: Well fine, if you don't want my money!
Mr. Krabs: (says cheerfully) MONEY?! You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
Tom: (pulls out cash, 3 people appear behind him) Sure! Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, (tears up the Closed sign) welcome to the night shift. From now on, the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
Squidward: WHAT!? (crowd of people barge in cheering)
Spongebob: Wow! Now we never have to stop working!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs..
Mr. Krabs: See ya in the morning, boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. (leaves)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs..
Spongebob: Isn't this great Squidward?! Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours and then the sun'll come up and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with grease! (jumps on cash register counter) Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
Squidward: No.
Spongebob: Good! 'Cause we've got customers!
Squidward: (customer walks up to counter; Squidward hands him a baseball bat) Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.
Spongebob: Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen (laughs) at night!
Squidward: (takes hat off; leans head on counter) Don't hold back.
Spongebob: (cuts to Spongebob in kitchen) Hey Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce..at night. (cuts to Spongebob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself) Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom...at night. (cuts to Spongebob at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill; screams) I BURNED MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!...at night. (cuts to Spongebob walking on the counter) Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-na-night! NIGHT!
Squidward: WILL YOU PLEASE?! Here, (hands Spongebob a bag of garbage) give me a moment's peace and take out the trash!
Spongebob: Allllllll right! (takes bag from Squidward) Taking out the trash. Taking out the trash...at night. (stops at the door) You mean outside?
Squidward: That's where the dumpster is, yes.
Spongebob: I don't know, Squidward, (leans face against window) it's kinda dark out there.
Squidward: But I thought you liked the night shift.
Spongebob: You're right! (lifts bag over his head) For the Krusty Krab! (runs out of the building to the dumpster, screaming the whole way; reenters the building) Piece of cake!
Squidward: So you're not afraid?
Spongebob: Pfft, nah.
Squidward: Well I am. And especially after, (looks around, gulps) well, you know.
Spongebob: (turns around) What? What do I know?
Squidward: You don't remember? He was all over the news.
Spongebob: Tell me! Tell me!
Squidward: No, no, no, no, I probably shouldn't. It would ruin the night shift for you.
Spongebob: (excitedly) What happened, what happened, what happened!?
Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the (thinks) "Hash-Slinging Slasher?"
Spongebob: The Slash-Bringing Hasher?
Squidward: The Hash-Slinging Slasher!
Spongebob: The Sash-Ringing, the Trash-Singing, Mash-Flinging, The Flash-Stringing, Ringing, The Cr-Crash-Dinging, daa!
Squidward: Yes. The Hash-Slinging Slasher. But, most people just call him The Ha (breaks into scream) because that's all they have time to say before he GETS THEM!
Spongebob: (begging) Tell me the story!
Squidward: Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook - just like you - only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties ....it happened.
Spongebob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
Spongebob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
Spongebob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake.
Spongebob: You mean like this? (pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place) Or like this? (pulls it again, another one grows back) Or this? (does it again) Or this? (does it again) But what about this? Or this, or this, or this.
Squidward: (interrupts) Except he wasn't a sponge!
Spongebob: So?
Squidward: SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK!
Spongebob: (screams) OH, NO! (all extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away)
Squidward: And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. And then, he got hit by a bus! And..at his funeral, they fired him! So now, every...what day is it?
Spongebob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night, his ghost returns to The Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance.
Spongebob: (gasps) But tonight's Tuesday night!
Squidward: Then he'll be coming.
Spongebob: How will we know?
Squidward: There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next..
Customer: (interrupts) Dude, can I have some ketchup?
Squidward: Oh, here you go. (hands customer ketchup) Next, the phone will ring and there will be nobody there. (shows Spongebob eating his fingernails) And finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over. (shows Spongebob eating his fingernails, starts eating his arms, the arms regrows and he eats those and so on) Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways because he's already dead! Then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand..
Spongebob: No.
Squidward: He opens the door (pushes his tentacle to Spongebob's face, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he makes the sounds of a door opening) He slowly approaches the counter...and you know what he does next?
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: You really want to know?
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: Are you sure you want to know?
Spongebob: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT DOES HE DO?!?!
Squidward: (sneaks up on Spongebob, taps him) He gets ya! (Spongebob now screams repeatedly for about 20 seconds while Squidward is laughing)
Spongebob... (screams don't stop) Spongebob I wa... (screaming continues) I was ju... (Spongebob's pupils are now screaming too) I was (screaming continues) SPONGEBOB I WAS JOKING!
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: It's not true! None of it's true!
Spongebob: It's not?
Squidward: Of course not. Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke.
Spongebob: Ohhhhh. (laughs repeatedly like he did with screaming; cuts into later in the night. Shows Krusty Krab with a big sign that says 'Open Forever'; next it shows Squidward at the counter reading a book. Squidward hears spooky noises and feels water dripping on him but he doesn't know what it is) Spongebob: (on the ceiling wearing suction cups cleaning) Isn't this great, Squidward? There's never time to wash the ceiling during the day.
Squidward: (says to himself) Open 24 hours a day. What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning? (cuts to Patrick's bedroom)
Patrick: (Patrick's alarm clock goes off) Oh boy! Three A.M.! (whips out a Krabby Patty and starts to eat it; cuts back to The Krusty Krab)
Squidward: Just look at this place. It's like a ghost town in here! (lights start to flicker on and off) Very funny, Spongebob.
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: "And the lights will flicker on and off." Just like the story. I get it.
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, how are you doing that without moving the switch?
Squidward: I'm not doing it. It must be the stupid, faulty wiring in here. This place isn't built to run 24 hours a day! (phone rings, Squidward picks it up) What, what, hello? Hello? Hello?
Spongebob: (walks up to the counter) Nice try, Squidward.
Squidward: Nice try, what?
Spongebob: "The phone will ring and there will be no one there." (giggles) You crack me up.
Squidward: Spongebob, I'm not doing this. (hangs up phone) Oh no, calm down, calm down. All right, what was it? There was the lights, (lights flicker on and off) and the phone, (phone rings) and the walls will ooze green slime! (walls start to ooze green slime) Oh, wait. They always do that. But what was that third thing? (hears a motor, turns his head; a bus pulls up to the Krusty Krab doors)
Spongebob: (walks up to the counter) I didn't know the buses ran this late.
Squidward: They don't! (a man gets out of the bus and the bus pulls away, all Squidward and Spongebob can see is his spooky outline)
Spongebob: Well they're dropping someone off. (from the outside, the man lifts his spatula; shows Squidward screaming to the point where hair grows from his head)
Squidward: THE SASH-RINGING, FLASH-SINGING, THE FASH-PINGING...
Spongebob: The Hash-Slinging Slasher! (starts to cry)
Squidward: At last you understand! We're doomed!
Spongebob: No, that's not it. (wipes tear) I am just so touched that you would go through the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry cook and stand on the other side of the street, just to entertain me! You must really like me! (cries again)
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One - I hate you. And two - how can that be me when I'm standing right here!? (the man taps on the door with his spatula; shows Spongebob screaming to the point where his eyelashes grow)
Spongebob & Squidward: THE HASH-SLINGING SLASHER!!! (the guy walks in the door and up to the counter)
Squidward: Spongebob, no matter what I've said, I've always sort of liked you.
Spongebob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: Huh? (the guy reaches the counter)
The Guy: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. (holds up spatula) I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.
Spongebob: Do you have references?
Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights? (lights flicker on and off; Spongebob, Squidward and the guy look over to see Count Orlock, a vampire from a 1930s movie named Nosferatu)
Spongebob, Squidward & The Guy: Nosferatu!
Count Orlock: (smiles)