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Episode Transcript: Squirrel Jokes
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==Characters== | ==Characters== | ||
| − | *[[SpongeBob]] | + | *[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]] |
| − | *[[Sandy]] | + | *[[Sandy Cheeks|Sandy]] |
| − | *[[Mr. Krabs]] | + | *[[Eugene H. Krabs|Mr. Krabs]] |
| − | *[[Patrick]] | + | *[[Patrick Star|Patrick]] |
*[[Fred]] | *[[Fred]] | ||
*[[Scooter]] | *[[Scooter]] | ||
*[[Dougie Williams]] | *[[Dougie Williams]] | ||
*[[Nancy]] | *[[Nancy]] | ||
| + | *[[Harold]] | ||
| + | *[[Billy]] | ||
| + | *[[Mable]] | ||
==Dialogue== | ==Dialogue== | ||
| Line 24: | Line 27: | ||
(lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says 'Komedy Krab')<br> | (lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says 'Komedy Krab')<br> | ||
| − | Mr. Krabs: Ok, everybody settle down. Welcome to the Komedy Krab! (puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs) Now please give | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' Ok, everybody settle down. Welcome to the Komedy Krab! (puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs) Now please give |
a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams! (Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr Krabs walks out) | a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams! (Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr Krabs walks out) | ||
| − | Dougie Williams: Good evening, folks. I’m going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. (pulls | + | '''Dougie Williams:''' Good evening, folks. I’m going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. (pulls |
out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered with pie) | out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered with pie) | ||
<br> | <br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: (laughs) I hope I do as good as that guy | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (laughs) I hope I do as good as that guy! |
| − | Dougie Williams: (backstage) Man, those people will laugh at anything | + | '''Dougie Williams:''' (backstage) Man, those people will laugh at anything! Hey, don’t sweat it kid, I got them all worked up for |
you.<br> | you.<br> | ||
| − | Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (SpongeBob walks out with a bowtie on)<br> | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (SpongeBob walks out with a bowtie on)<br> |
| − | Sandy: Go get ‘em, SpongeBob!<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Go get ‘em, SpongeBob!<br> |
| − | Patrick: (sitting at a table with Sandy) Whoo-hoo! (SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up)<br> | + | '''Patrick:''' (sitting at a table with Sandy) Whoo-hoo! (SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at |
closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? (no one laughs. Crickets are chirping) And tomatoes -- | closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? (no one laughs. Crickets are chirping) And tomatoes -- | ||
what’s the deal on those things? (chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent) I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... What | what’s the deal on those things? (chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent) I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... What | ||
are they, vegetables or...fruit? And what does that make ketchup? (chuckles weakly)<br> | are they, vegetables or...fruit? And what does that make ketchup? (chuckles weakly)<br> | ||
| − | Fish #1: Oh brother, this guy stinks!<br> | + | '''Fish #1:''' Oh brother, this guy stinks!<br> |
| − | + | '''Harold:''' Hey, hey funny guy, I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?<br> | |
| − | SpongeBob: Umm, noxious gas?<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Umm, noxious gas?<br> |
| − | + | '''Harold:''' No! Your act! (everyone laughs)<br> | |
| − | SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how, uhh... (notices a fork on a table) ...forks, uhh...<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Did you ever notice how, uhh... (notices a fork on a table) ...forks, uhh...<br> |
| − | Fish #3: Forks?! Come on! (crowd is booing)<br> | + | '''Fish #3:''' Forks?! Come on! (crowd is booing)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: (thinking) Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! (looks around for material then notices Sandy's teeth) Did | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (thinking) Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! (looks around for material then notices Sandy's teeth) Did |
you ever notice how big squirrels' front teeth are? (crowd chuckles)<br> | you ever notice how big squirrels' front teeth are? (crowd chuckles)<br> | ||
| − | Fish: That's true.<br> | + | '''Fish:''' That's true.<br> |
| − | Sandy: Huh?<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Huh?<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. (crowd laughs more) And what’s up with all that squirrel fur? | + | '''SpongeBob:''' I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. (crowd laughs more) And what’s up with all that squirrel fur? |
I guess fleas need a home too. (crowd laughs loud)<br> | I guess fleas need a home too. (crowd laughs loud)<br> | ||
| − | Patrick: (laughing) Squirrel fur!<br> | + | '''Patrick:''' (laughing) Squirrel fur!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: And they smell! But hey, you’d stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt. (crowd laughs) Hey, why does it | + | '''SpongeBob:''' And they smell! But hey, you’d stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt. (crowd laughs) Hey, why does it |
take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?<br> | take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?<br> | ||
| − | Fish #2: Why?<br> | + | '''Fish #2:''' Why?<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Because, they’re so darn stupid! (crowd laughs)<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Because, they’re so darn stupid! (crowd laughs)<br> |
| − | Patrick: That’s a good one, huh, Sandy?<br> | + | '''Patrick:''' That’s a good one, huh, Sandy?<br> |
| − | Sandy: Uhh, y-yeah... (SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr Krabs is waiting for him)<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Uhh, y-yeah... (SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr Krabs is waiting for him)<br> |
| − | Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic boy. You really knocked them out! I think I’ll do this joke night thing again with you as the | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' That was fantastic boy. You really knocked them out! I think I’ll do this joke night thing again with you as the |
headliner!<br> | headliner!<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: I never thought I could be a headliner! Whatever that is.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' I never thought I could be a headliner! Whatever that is.<br> |
| − | Mr. Krabs: The headliner’s the one who cleans up after the show. (hands SpongeBob a mop)<br> | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' The headliner’s the one who cleans up after the show. (hands SpongeBob a mop)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: At least I don’t have to clean up my act! (laughs)<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' At least I don’t have to clean up my act! (laughs)<br> |
| − | Mr. Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. (walks off)<br> | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. (walks off)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Mops, mops, mops, what’s up with those things? I mean, really. (walks up to Sandy) Oh hey, Sandy!<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Mops, mops, mops, what’s up with those things? I mean, really. (walks up to Sandy) Oh hey, Sandy!<br> |
| − | Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob.<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Howdy, SpongeBob.<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Did you enjoy the show?<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Did you enjoy the show?<br> |
| − | Sandy: Well, ac-actually SpongeBob | + | '''Sandy:''' Well, ac-actually SpongeBob... no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you’re the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you’re the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.<br> |
| − | Sandy: Well, I can’t argue with that.<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Well, I can’t argue with that.<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! (holds up a mirror and laughs excessively | + | '''SpongeBob:''' We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! (holds up a mirror and laughs excessively |
into it, Sandy chuckles) Sandy: You’re right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. (both hug) No hard feelings. | into it, Sandy chuckles) Sandy: You’re right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. (both hug) No hard feelings. | ||
(scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart) Ok, deodorant. Huh, let’s see. Roll-on or stick? (a couple walks by)<br> | (scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart) Ok, deodorant. Huh, let’s see. Roll-on or stick? (a couple walks by)<br> | ||
| − | Fred: I think she should buy both. (laughs)<br> | + | '''Fred:''' I think she should buy both. (laughs)<br> |
| − | Sandy: Huh?<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Huh?<br> |
| − | Scooter: Hey look guys! (it’s three kids, the one speaking is Scooter, the surfing dude) It’s the stupid squirrel!<br> | + | '''Scooter:''' Hey look guys! (it’s three kids, the one speaking is Scooter, the surfing dude) It’s the stupid squirrel!<br> |
| − | Fish #4: I know, let’s try to communicate with it. | + | '''Fish #4:''' I know, let’s try to communicate with it. |
| − | All: Duh... (all walk off laughing)<br> | + | '''All:''' Duh... (all walk off laughing)<br> |
| − | Sandy: Hmph! (throws the deodorant into the cart then walks up to a little kid) Hello, little critter! What’s your name?<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Hmph! (throws the deodorant into the cart then walks up to a little kid) Hello, little critter! What’s your name?<br> |
| − | Mother: (grabs her child) Don’t stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You’ll catch its stupid. (walks off)<br> | + | '''Mother:''' (grabs her child) Don’t stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You’ll catch its stupid. (walks off)<br> |
| − | Billy: Ok, mom.<br> | + | '''Billy:''' Ok, mom.<br> |
| − | Sandy: Stupidity isn’t a virus | + | '''Sandy:''' Stupidity isn’t a virus... but it sure is spreading like one! (scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where everyone is chanting |
for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act)<br> | for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act)<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la. Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid | + | '''SpongeBob:''' La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid!<br> |
| − | Sandy: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob?<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Hey, uhh, SpongeBob?<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Sandy.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Oh, hi, Sandy.<br> |
| − | Sandy: Umm, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Umm, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: We already talked about that, remember? (looks in a mirror and laughs)<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' We already talked about that, remember? (looks in a mirror and laughs)<br> |
| − | Sandy: SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you’ve been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. (Patrick | + | '''Sandy:''' SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you’ve been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. (Patrick |
| − | walks backstage) | + | walks backstage)<br> |
| − | Patrick: SpongeBob, five minutes. (notices Sandy then talks slowly) Hel-lo...Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? (Sandy | + | '''Patrick:''' SpongeBob, five minutes. (notices Sandy then talks slowly) Hel-lo...Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? (Sandy |
looks away) Squirrels. (walks off)<br> | looks away) Squirrels. (walks off)<br> | ||
| − | Sandy: Y-y-you see? That’s what I’m talking about!<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Y-y-you see? That’s what I’m talking about!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Ah, that’s just Patrick. He’s just fooling around.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Ah, that’s just Patrick. He’s just fooling around.<br> |
| − | Sandy: I’m just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, ok? Tell some of them other jokes you got.<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' I’m just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, ok? Tell some of them other jokes you got.<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: (nervously) Other jokes? (imagines the fork joke) Bah! I got a million of them.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (nervously) Other jokes? (imagines the fork joke) Bah! I got a million of them.<br> |
| − | Sandy: (hugs SpongeBob) Thanks SpongeBob, I knew you’d understand. (walks to her seat. The crowd is still chanting for | + | '''Sandy:''' (hugs SpongeBob) Thanks SpongeBob, I knew you’d understand. (walks to her seat. The crowd is still chanting for |
SpongeBob)<br> | SpongeBob)<br> | ||
| − | Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (everyone cheers as SpongeBob walks out)<br> | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (everyone cheers as SpongeBob walks out)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Uhh, hi. (chuckles nervously) Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he’s a bronze fish. | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Uhh, hi. (chuckles nervously) Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he’s a bronze fish. |
(crowd is confused) I guess you heard that one.<br> | (crowd is confused) I guess you heard that one.<br> | ||
| − | Sandy: I haven’t heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' I haven’t heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Thank you, you’re too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff’s everywhere.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Thank you, you’re too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff’s everywhere.<br> |
| − | Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs | + | '''Patrick:''' Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Uhh, hey, what about this thing! (takes out a big rubber chicken) Huh? Huh?<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Uhh, hey, what about this thing! (takes out a big rubber chicken) Huh? Huh?<br> |
| − | Fish #5: Get on with the squirrel jokes! (crowd changes for squirrel jokes)<br> | + | '''Fish #5:''' Get on with the squirrel jokes! (crowd changes for squirrel jokes)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: (thinking) What do I do? Who do I do? SpongeBob, you’ve got a choice to make: (looks at Sandy) your friends (looks | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (thinking) What do I do? Who do I do? SpongeBob, you’ve got a choice to make: (looks at Sandy) your friends... (looks |
| − | at his microphone) or your career. (drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage then jumps back on stage with | + | at his microphone) ...or your career. (drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage then jumps back on stage with |
hillbilly teeth) Howdy, y’all! (crowd cheers loudly) How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb? | hillbilly teeth) Howdy, y’all! (crowd cheers loudly) How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| − | All: Because | + | '''All:''' Because they're so darn stupid!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: (laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn) My people! (Sandy gets angry) But seriously folks, I want to | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn) My people! (Sandy gets angry) But seriously folks, I want to |
give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. (spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle) Sandy, don’t you see? The | give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. (spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle) Sandy, don’t you see? The | ||
crowd loves these jokes. Am I right? (crowd cheers) Don’t you see, Sandy? We’re laughing with you, not at you! Do you | crowd loves these jokes. Am I right? (crowd cheers) Don’t you see, Sandy? We’re laughing with you, not at you! Do you | ||
understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?<br> | understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?<br> | ||
| − | Sandy: I understand | + | '''Sandy:''' I understand exactly what’s going on, SpongeBob. |
| − | SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you’d | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Great. I knew sooner or later you’d understand. What a great sport. Let’s give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow |
because remember, she’s a squirrel! (crowd is cheering their loudest) Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh, | because remember, she’s a squirrel! (crowd is cheering their loudest) Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh, | ||
good night! (walks backstage) Ah...another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. (see a note taped to his mirror) Oh, what’s | good night! (walks backstage) Ah...another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. (see a note taped to his mirror) Oh, what’s | ||
this, a fan letter? (reads it)<br> | this, a fan letter? (reads it)<br> | ||
| − | Sandy: (reading the letter) You were right SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and | + | '''Sandy:''' (reading the letter) You were right SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and |
celebrate, Sandy.<br> | celebrate, Sandy.<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: You did it SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends. (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the | + | '''SpongeBob:''' You did it SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends. (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the |
treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door as the water empties from the treedome) I’m | treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door as the water empties from the treedome) I’m | ||
glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. (door opens) Good morning, Sandy. (Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly | glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. (door opens) Good morning, Sandy. (Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly | ||
with flies floating around her)<br> | with flies floating around her)<br> | ||
| − | Sandy: Well, how-dee!<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' Well, how-dee!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Sandy, are you feeling alright?<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Sandy, are you feeling alright?<br> |
Sandy: I’m just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! (licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Well | Sandy: I’m just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! (licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Well | ||
| Line 204: | Line 207: | ||
log with glue on it)<br> | log with glue on it)<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: Uhh, Sandy, I think something’s wrong with this seat.<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Uhh, Sandy, I think something’s wrong with this seat.<br> |
| − | Sandy: | + | '''Sandy:''' Naw, (holds up a brush and a bucket of glue) I just done put glue on it so you wouldn’t fall off. (gasps and grabs the |
flowers that SpongeBob was holding) Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! (takes SpongeBob’s water helmet off | flowers that SpongeBob was holding) Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! (takes SpongeBob’s water helmet off | ||
his head)<br> | his head)<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Uhh, Sandy, that, that’s not a... (Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet)<br> |
| − | Sandy: A’int that purdy?<br> | + | '''Sandy:''' A’int that purdy?<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Sandy, I need wa...<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (in a dry, craking voice) Sandy, I need wa...<br> |
| − | Sandy: Oh, that’s right. Youse a sea critter. Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Umm, uhh...let’s see, uhh... (a | + | '''Sandy:''' Oh, that’s right. Youse a sea critter. Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Umm, uhh...let’s see, uhh... (a |
big lump in her throat wiggles up and down) Sea critters need, uhh...<br> | big lump in her throat wiggles up and down) Sea critters need, uhh...<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: Wa...<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Wa...<br> |
| − | Sandy: Oh wait, don’t tell me. I know this one! | + | '''Sandy:''' Oh wait, don’t tell me. I know this one!<br> |
| + | '''SpongeBob:''' (voice cracking) Wa...<br> | ||
| − | + | '''Sandy:''' Wa...llet? Watch? Waffles? | |
| − | + | '''SpongeBob:''' (hoarsely) Sandy! Water!<br> | |
| − | + | '''Sandy:''' Well, why didn’t you just say so! (puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth) Here ya go! Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid. | |
| − | + | ||
| − | Sandy: Well, why didn’t you just say so! (puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth) Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid. | + | |
(connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him) Dumb, dumb, | (connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him) Dumb, dumb, | ||
dumb, squirrels is dumb.<br> | dumb, squirrels is dumb.<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, I get it!<br> | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Ok Sandy, I get it!<br> |
| − | Sandy: What’s that? You want more? (connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on) Okey-dokey! More water | + | '''Sandy:''' What’s that? You want more? (connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on) Okey-dokey! More water |
for the sea-critter! (SpongeBob is still enlarging)<br> | for the sea-critter! (SpongeBob is still enlarging)<br> | ||
| − | SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, Ok! I get it! (SpongeBob is filled up every inch of the treedome) No more squirrel jokes. (scene cuts to | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Ok Sandy, Ok! I get it! (SpongeBob is filled up every inch of the treedome) No more squirrel jokes. (scene cuts to |
the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again) Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. (winks at Sandy) And I said, “Hey, why don’t you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we’ll go change a light bulb.” (crowd laughs) But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! (crowd is silent) I mean, we’re so dumb, we don’t even have a vertebrae! (twists himself) Look at me! I got no bones!<br> | the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again) Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. (winks at Sandy) And I said, “Hey, why don’t you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we’ll go change a light bulb.” (crowd laughs) But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! (crowd is silent) I mean, we’re so dumb, we don’t even have a vertebrae! (twists himself) Look at me! I got no bones!<br> | ||
| − | Fish #6: That's true. (crowd laughs)<br> | + | '''Fish #6:''' That's true. (crowd laughs)<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Krabs? Oh brother. They’re so cheap, they can’t even pay attention!<br> |
| − | Mr. Krabs: (laughs) It’s true, I am cheap!<br> | + | '''Mr. Krabs:''' (laughs) It’s true, I am cheap!<br> |
| − | SpongeBob: Now let me tell you about those fish | + | '''SpongeBob:''' Now let me tell you about those fish! Boy are they smelly. Whoo-hoo! I mean how can a creature that spends so much |
time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! (imitates a fish) Soap, soap, what is soap? (crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and | time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! (imitates a fish) Soap, soap, what is soap? (crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and | ||
Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab) And don’t even get me started on | Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab) And don’t even get me started on | ||
| − | starfish | + | starfish! |
{{Transcripts/Season 2}} | {{Transcripts/Season 2}} | ||
[[Category:Transcript]] | [[Category:Transcript]] | ||
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Latest revision as of 19:11, 19 April 2011
| Back Episode Transcript | Next Episode Transcript |
|---|---|
| Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III | Pressure |
Episode Article: Squirrel Jokes
[edit] Characters
[edit] Dialogue
(lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says 'Komedy Krab')
Mr. Krabs: Ok, everybody settle down. Welcome to the Komedy Krab! (puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs) Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams! (Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr Krabs walks out)
Dougie Williams: Good evening, folks. I’m going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. (pulls
out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered with pie)
SpongeBob: (laughs) I hope I do as good as that guy!
Dougie Williams: (backstage) Man, those people will laugh at anything! Hey, don’t sweat it kid, I got them all worked up for
you.
Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (SpongeBob walks out with a bowtie on)
Sandy: Go get ‘em, SpongeBob!
Patrick: (sitting at a table with Sandy) Whoo-hoo! (SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up)
SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at
closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? (no one laughs. Crickets are chirping) And tomatoes --
what’s the deal on those things? (chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent) I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... What
are they, vegetables or...fruit? And what does that make ketchup? (chuckles weakly)
Fish #1: Oh brother, this guy stinks!
Harold: Hey, hey funny guy, I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?
SpongeBob: Umm, noxious gas?
Harold: No! Your act! (everyone laughs)
SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how, uhh... (notices a fork on a table) ...forks, uhh...
Fish #3: Forks?! Come on! (crowd is booing)
SpongeBob: (thinking) Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! (looks around for material then notices Sandy's teeth) Did
you ever notice how big squirrels' front teeth are? (crowd chuckles)
Fish: That's true.
Sandy: Huh?
SpongeBob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. (crowd laughs more) And what’s up with all that squirrel fur?
I guess fleas need a home too. (crowd laughs loud)
Patrick: (laughing) Squirrel fur!
SpongeBob: And they smell! But hey, you’d stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt. (crowd laughs) Hey, why does it
take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?
Fish #2: Why?
SpongeBob: Because, they’re so darn stupid! (crowd laughs)
Patrick: That’s a good one, huh, Sandy?
Sandy: Uhh, y-yeah... (SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr Krabs is waiting for him)
Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic boy. You really knocked them out! I think I’ll do this joke night thing again with you as the
headliner!
SpongeBob: I never thought I could be a headliner! Whatever that is.
Mr. Krabs: The headliner’s the one who cleans up after the show. (hands SpongeBob a mop)
SpongeBob: At least I don’t have to clean up my act! (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. (walks off)
SpongeBob: Mops, mops, mops, what’s up with those things? I mean, really. (walks up to Sandy) Oh hey, Sandy!
Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Did you enjoy the show?
Sandy: Well, ac-actually SpongeBob... no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.
SpongeBob: Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you’re the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.
Sandy: Well, I can’t argue with that.
SpongeBob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! (holds up a mirror and laughs excessively
into it, Sandy chuckles) Sandy: You’re right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. (both hug) No hard feelings.
(scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart) Ok, deodorant. Huh, let’s see. Roll-on or stick? (a couple walks by)
Fred: I think she should buy both. (laughs)
Sandy: Huh?
Scooter: Hey look guys! (it’s three kids, the one speaking is Scooter, the surfing dude) It’s the stupid squirrel!
Fish #4: I know, let’s try to communicate with it.
All: Duh... (all walk off laughing)
Sandy: Hmph! (throws the deodorant into the cart then walks up to a little kid) Hello, little critter! What’s your name?
Mother: (grabs her child) Don’t stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You’ll catch its stupid. (walks off)
Billy: Ok, mom.
Sandy: Stupidity isn’t a virus... but it sure is spreading like one! (scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where everyone is chanting
for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act)
SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid!
Sandy: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Sandy.
Sandy: Umm, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.
SpongeBob: We already talked about that, remember? (looks in a mirror and laughs)
Sandy: SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you’ve been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. (Patrick
walks backstage)
Patrick: SpongeBob, five minutes. (notices Sandy then talks slowly) Hel-lo...Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? (Sandy
looks away) Squirrels. (walks off)
Sandy: Y-y-you see? That’s what I’m talking about!
SpongeBob: Ah, that’s just Patrick. He’s just fooling around.
Sandy: I’m just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, ok? Tell some of them other jokes you got.
SpongeBob: (nervously) Other jokes? (imagines the fork joke) Bah! I got a million of them.
Sandy: (hugs SpongeBob) Thanks SpongeBob, I knew you’d understand. (walks to her seat. The crowd is still chanting for
SpongeBob)
Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! (everyone cheers as SpongeBob walks out)
SpongeBob: Uhh, hi. (chuckles nervously) Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he’s a bronze fish.
(crowd is confused) I guess you heard that one.
Sandy: I haven’t heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Thank you, you’re too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff’s everywhere.
Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs!
SpongeBob: Uhh, hey, what about this thing! (takes out a big rubber chicken) Huh? Huh?
Fish #5: Get on with the squirrel jokes! (crowd changes for squirrel jokes)
SpongeBob: (thinking) What do I do? Who do I do? SpongeBob, you’ve got a choice to make: (looks at Sandy) your friends... (looks at his microphone) ...or your career. (drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage then jumps back on stage with hillbilly teeth) Howdy, y’all! (crowd cheers loudly) How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?
All: Because they're so darn stupid!
SpongeBob: (laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn) My people! (Sandy gets angry) But seriously folks, I want to
give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. (spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle) Sandy, don’t you see? The
crowd loves these jokes. Am I right? (crowd cheers) Don’t you see, Sandy? We’re laughing with you, not at you! Do you
understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?
Sandy: I understand exactly what’s going on, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you’d understand. What a great sport. Let’s give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow
because remember, she’s a squirrel! (crowd is cheering their loudest) Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh,
good night! (walks backstage) Ah...another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. (see a note taped to his mirror) Oh, what’s
this, a fan letter? (reads it)
Sandy: (reading the letter) You were right SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and
celebrate, Sandy.
SpongeBob: You did it SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends. (scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the
treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door as the water empties from the treedome) I’m
glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. (door opens) Good morning, Sandy. (Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly
with flies floating around her)
Sandy: Well, how-dee!
SpongeBob: Sandy, are you feeling alright?
Sandy: I’m just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! (licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Well
come on in! Y’all must be tired from telling them funny jokes all the time. Why don’t you take a load off! (pushes him onto a
log with glue on it)
SpongeBob: Uhh, Sandy, I think something’s wrong with this seat.
Sandy: Naw, (holds up a brush and a bucket of glue) I just done put glue on it so you wouldn’t fall off. (gasps and grabs the
flowers that SpongeBob was holding) Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! (takes SpongeBob’s water helmet off
his head)
SpongeBob: Uhh, Sandy, that, that’s not a... (Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet)
Sandy: A’int that purdy?
SpongeBob: (in a dry, craking voice) Sandy, I need wa...
Sandy: Oh, that’s right. Youse a sea critter. Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Umm, uhh...let’s see, uhh... (a
big lump in her throat wiggles up and down) Sea critters need, uhh...
SpongeBob: Wa...
Sandy: Oh wait, don’t tell me. I know this one!
SpongeBob: (voice cracking) Wa...
Sandy: Wa...llet? Watch? Waffles?
SpongeBob: (hoarsely) Sandy! Water!
Sandy: Well, why didn’t you just say so! (puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth) Here ya go! Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid.
(connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him) Dumb, dumb,
dumb, squirrels is dumb.
SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, I get it!
Sandy: What’s that? You want more? (connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on) Okey-dokey! More water
for the sea-critter! (SpongeBob is still enlarging)
SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, Ok! I get it! (SpongeBob is filled up every inch of the treedome) No more squirrel jokes. (scene cuts to
the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again) Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. (winks at Sandy) And I said, “Hey, why don’t you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we’ll go change a light bulb.” (crowd laughs) But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! (crowd is silent) I mean, we’re so dumb, we don’t even have a vertebrae! (twists himself) Look at me! I got no bones!
Fish #6: That's true. (crowd laughs)
SpongeBob: Krabs? Oh brother. They’re so cheap, they can’t even pay attention!
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) It’s true, I am cheap!
SpongeBob: Now let me tell you about those fish! Boy are they smelly. Whoo-hoo! I mean how can a creature that spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! (imitates a fish) Soap, soap, what is soap? (crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab) And don’t even get me started on starfish!
