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Episode Transcript: As Seen on TV
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Episode Article: As Seen on TV
[edit] Characters
[edit] Dialogue
(episode begins with a shot of Bikini Atoll)
Mr. Krabs: (Mr. Doodles is sniffing some coral) C'mon, Mr. Doodles. We haven't got all day. We've got to get down to me favorite restaurant. Mine. Where we're shooting our first ever Krusty Krab commercial. After this commercial airs, we'll be swarming with customers. I can already feel myself sweatin' money. (Mr. Doodles barks) No, I got Squidward organizing the whole thing. He's...ya know...artsy. What the...? (several fish are working on the commercial) This looks expensive. Out of my way. Coming through. Move it or lose it. Squidward!
Squidward: (on a lowering camera crane) What?
Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on?
Squidward: We're making the commercial, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: What you're doing is throwing away me money! I told you to rent only what is absolutely necessary.
Squidward: This is all necessary.
Mr. Krabs: Then what's all this useless junk? (camera pans to reveal a pile of junk)
Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uhh, 28.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, then how do you explain that? (points to 2 Krusty Krabs. Cut to both Krusty Krabs) A second Krusty Krab?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, everyone needs an understudy. (a second Mr. Krabs is shown, smiling with his arms crossed)
Mr. Krabs: (looking over at his double) Well, you got me there. But why do we need him? (points to a clown, whom the camera pans to)
Squidward: This job gets very stressful, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: All right, get lost, all of ya. You're fired. Go on. Scram. Get out of here, you moochers. That's right, keep moving. (everyone walks away. The clown stops when Mr. Krabs points to him) Except you, you stay. (clown makes noise)
Squidward: Well, this is just great. Now we've got no crew to make the commercial.
Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about, Squidward? We got the cheapest crew in the world. You, me, and SpongeBob. Speaking of which, where is the little barnacle? (SpongeBob's nose pops out from underground)
SpongeBob: (underground) I'm down here, sir.
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, lad?
SpongeBob: Squidward said I could help by burying myself!
Mr. Krabs: Quit fooling and come on out. I need you to be in the commercial.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Me? In the Krusty Krab commercial? Me!
Squidward: But, but, but, but, but, but, but...
Mr. Krabs: Don't throw your buts at me, Mr. Squidward. We got a time table to keep. This thing airs tonight.
Squidward: Tonight?!
SpongeBob: Tonight?!
Mr. Krabs: Yup, I got a sweet deal on prime-time slot. (time card appears)
French Narrator: 3:28 AM.
SpongeBob: It's almost on, Gary. (Gary yawns) Yeah, I got butterflies, too. This is the most exciting thing to happen in the history of history. (television shows a black-and-white "western" show. Then it shows the Krusty Krab commercial) Look, Gary! It's on! (cut to the TV playing the commercial. Pearl, playing "Amy," and Squidward, playing "Jen," are standing in front of a purple curtain. An extended version of the music from the episode's title card, the APM track "Bad Tempi 1", plays throughout the commercial)
Amy: Oh, Jen. I've got a real problem.
Jen: What's your problem, Amy?
Amy: (pulls up a wad of cash and shakes it, with some of the money falling offscreen, then puts it down) I've got all this money and I don't know what to do with it and I'm hungry. (Mr. Krabs is laughing off-set. Amy and Jen look around) Who's there?
Jen: Where's that coming from? (purple smoke appears. It clears out to reveal Krabs)
Amy and Jen: (both gasp) Yippee, it's Mr. Krabs! (cut to Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: That's right, Amy. I heard all about your little problem and I'm here to help. (gives the "Come on!" gesture) Follow...me! (screen splits into two sections while a whooshing sound is heard. The sections slide offscreen to opposite directions, and we see Krabs, Amy and Jen at the Krusty Krab)
Amy and Jen: Where are we?
Mr. Krabs: Why, we're at none other than the Krusty Krab. (a shot of the Krusty Krab is shown when Mr. Krabs says "the Krusty Krab." We then see Amy with a boom microphone onscreen)
Amy: Did you say Krusty Krab? (we see the same shot of the Krusty Krab when "Krusty Krab" is said. Mr. Krabs appears, again with the boom mic onscreen)
Mr. Krabs: That's right, (the same shot of the Krusty Krab appears again) Krusty Krab. (cut back to Krabs) Home of the world famous: (the same shot of the Krusty Krab appears once more. Cut back to Krabs) Krabby Patty! (we see Jen)
Jen: What's a Krabby Patty? (cut to Mr. Krabs jaw-dropping on a yellow-ish background, with the camera zooming in and out 3 times. A "twang" sound is heard over this. Cut back to Krabs, Amy and Jen)
Mr. Krabs: Why it's only the most mouth-watering appetizing food in the seven seas.
SpongeBob: (points at the TV) There I am Gary! There I am!
Mr. Krabs: (part of SpongeBob's body is shown at the grill, with a patty grilling on it) We start with a fresh patty, grilled and juicy. (lettuce, tomatoes and cheese appear on the patty) Add some crisp undersea veggies and cheese. ("secret sauce" appears on the patty, with the buns appearing a few seconds later) Topped off with secret sauce and some buns. (cut back to Mr. Krabs, who holds up a Krabby Patty) Voila! A Krabby Patty. (cut to Amy and Jen. The boom microphone is once again onscreen)
Amy: I want a Krabby Patty. (boom mic moves over to Jen)
Jen: Me, too. (scene is wiped out to reveal Mr. Krabs wathing Amy and Jen eating Krabby Patties)
Mr. Krabs: How do you like them Krabby Patties, girls? (laughs. Amy and Jen both give a thumbs-up. Cut to Mr. Krabs, still laughing. SpongeBob's head can be seen in the order window)
SpongeBob: (points at the TV again) Look, Gary, there I am again. Look!
Mr. Krabs: Two more satisfied customers. (points to the camera) So why don't you come on in, and have yourself a Krabby Patty today. (cut to the Krusty Krab)
All: The Krusty Krab: Come Spend Your Money Here! (the slogan "Come Spend Your Money Here!" appears word-by-word as it is said. Commercial ends)
SpongeBob: That was the best 60 seconds of my life! Well, time for bed. (cut to Bikini Atoll at night, which becomes morning) Time to go do my favorite thing at my favorite place. (humming)
Elderly Man: Hey, you!
SpongeBob: Top of the morning.
Elderly Man: Hey! I saw you on TV last night. (flashback shows that the elderly man was actually watching a Bran Flakes commercial and saw the yellow box)
Announcer: New Bran Flakes. (fish pours bran flakes into a bowl) Bold, new taste. (bran flakes box is shown) Bran Flakes.
SpongeBob: You did?
Elderly Man: Yeah. You were on a commercial.
SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.
Elderly Man: Yup. See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.
SpongeBob: (talking to self) "Weren't you that guy on TV?" Yes! I am that guy. (laughs) How kind of you to notice. Weren't you that guy on the television last night? Yes, that was me. I... (runs into citizen) Oh, please excuse me, sir.
Citizen: Oh, that's quite all right, uhh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Wow. I'm getting recognized all over. Why next thing you'll know, people are going to start doing things like holding doors open for... (gasps) Why, sir, I'm flattered.
Citizen: Oh, really? I don't smell anything.
SpongeBob: (laughs) You're on your way.
Customer: Excuse me, sir, can I get a napkin?
SpongeBob: Why of course, good sir. And next time, feel free to approach me. It must be so degrading to ask across the room. And who am I making this bad boy out to?
Customer: To my tail fin. I'll get it myself.
SpongeBob: F-I-N. There we are, darling. Hmph. Looks like shyness got the best of him.
Squidward: There you are, SpongeBob. I need you to...
SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I got one already made out. Enjoy.
Squidward: To my tailfin? (checks to see if he has one)
SpongeBob: Yes I am that guy on TV.
Child: Hey, look!
SpongeBob: Please good people, no photos at work.
Child: Here's the ketchup.
SpongeBob: Well, maybe just one. (poses) Another one? OK. Limbo. And now, the, uh, oh, I got it.
Mr. Krabs: There you are, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes, pilot.
Mr. Krabs: I need you to- (gets hit with mop) OW! (finger breaks) Alright, boy. Get in there and scrub the head and stop acting so predictable.
SpongeBob: I'm so misunderstood. Alas, good people, even the brightest of stars grow weary and I am no exception. But I will shine again after a quick break in my quarters. You've been beautiful.
Customer #2: Hey, were you able to catch Glenn the Pinkfish on Flounderman last night?
Customer #3: No. How was he?
Customer #2: Well, I knew that this guy's acting was good, but his singing was phenomenal. I'm telling you, Fendor, if that guy was to cut a solo record, he'd be a hit.
SpongeBob: Solo record! (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs office)
Mr. Krabs: So, if I fire him and make a successor do twice the work, and... (knock on door) ...eh, come in. (in walks SpongeBob and he poses like a model) Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob. Those heads better be beautiful.
SpongeBob: They are, Mr. Krabs, and so is mine. And now I gotta lay something on ya, Krabs Baby.
Mr. Krabs: The only thing you better lay is some patties on the grill, Fry Boy.
SpongeBob: Nah, I can't take that gig, Krabber. That phase of my career is over. I'm an entertainer now.
Mr. Krabs: What in blazes are you talking about?
SpongeBob: Come on, Krabs. Let's think outside the box for a second. Commercials are old-half. The people want music. If I could change fate I would, Krabsy. But I'm an entertainer deep down. A people's person. We're on the same page here, aren't we?
Mr. Krabs: Gee, those krabby fumes must've gotten to your head. Borrow Squidward's gas mask and get right back to work.
SpongeBob: (snaps fingers twice) I knew you'd understand. Well, thanks for the start. I'm out of here. (SpongeBob snaps his fingers outside his office)
Mr. Krabs: Oooooh...I've never felt such a strange combination of pity...and indigestion.
Customer #4: There he is! Hey! We've been waiting for you.
Customer #5: Where have you been?
Customer #6: How long are you going to keep us standing here?
Squidward: Well, SpongeBob? Are you just going to stand there like a half-wit, mouth ungaped? Or are you going to fill these peoples orders?
SpongeBob: Pipe-down Squidward. This crowd looks angry. They're not going to wait any longer. I think I better give them what they need, and fast.
Squidward: I think so, too, or Krabs will fire both of us. On second thought, keep 'em waiting.
SpongeBob: No can do, Squidward. These people demand entertainment.
Squidward: Enter-what? (SpongeBob grabs microphone)
SpongeBob: How you doing, folks?
Customers: Hungry!
SpongeBob: That's no problem, ladies and germs. 'Cause SpongeBob is here to satisfy. (lights are turned down)
Squidward: Hey!
Customer #4: (to another customer) Eating here was your idea!
SpongeBob: I'd like to call this little number "Striped Sweater"
The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time One with a collar, turtleneck, that's the kind 'Cause when you're wearing... (lights turn back on. Everyone complains) ...that one...special...sweater...
SpongeBob: Squidward, this crowd is insatiable.
Squidward: Then why don't you back in the kitchen and grab some patties and give them what they came here for!
SpongeBob: Juggling! Thanks, Squiddy. (all the customers boo)
Customer #5: Is this some kind of joke?
SpongeBob: They want juggling and jokes at the same time? Tough crowd.
Customer #4: Oh, now what's he doing?
SpongeBob: Uhh, what do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab!
Customer #4: We're losing our appetites!
SpongeBob: Uh, okay. There's a nun, an astronaut, and a hairdryer.
Customers: We want patties!
SpongeBob: Well, the most I can juggle is three, but the show must go on. (SpongeBob slips and patties flip in the air) No...! (thinking) My career is over. All those years clawing my way up. All the people I've stepped on. Wasted. (patties land on the grill)
Customer #4: Hey, finally!
Customer #5: That's what we've been waiting for. (dotted lines form from SpongeBob's eyes to point to patty)
SpongeBob: They seem to like it when I put this patty on the grill. I may be able to save this act, yet. Roll with it, SpongeBob. Roll with it. There's more where that came from, folks. (puts a whole ton of patties on the grill)
Customers: Yay!
SpongeBob: You like that?
Customer #4: It's what we wanted all along.
SpongeBob: (thinking) It's working. But how do I follow it up? Think SpongeBob, that's what got you this far. Buns! It's a stretch, but we've all got to push the envelope, sometime. OK, folks. How do you like this? (flips patties inside buns)
Customers: Yeah!
SpongeBob: I'm breaking new ground. Time to get edgy.
Customers: We want onions! Cheese! Yeah!
SpongeBob: Ready for the grand finale? (customers put up trays so they can catch patties. Patties land on trays)
Customers: Whoopee! Krabby Patties!
Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling.
SpongeBob: I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this
