Episode Transcript: Model Sponge

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Greasy Buffoons	Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful

Episode Article: Model Sponge

Characters

Dialogue

(episode begins at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is in the bathroom, looking at a filthy sink mirror)

SpongeBob: You're nothing! Is all that grime meant to scare me, Mr. Mirror? I've met sardines tougher than you are. Time to put you in your place. (squirts soap on his head and scrubs the mirror clean, then puts work hat on his head from his nose) Looking good, mirror! Sorry about the harsh words. (gets mop and bucket) Now to attack these floors!

Mr. Krabs: (in his office, on the phone, chuckling) Are you kidding? He's an absolute treasure to have around the restaurant!

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Sounds like Mr. Krabs is bragging about me again to his associates. (turns to reveal an ear on his back)

Mr. Krabs: And he's been with me for such a long time now.

SpongeBob: (chuckles again) I am.

Mr. Krabs: But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let the little guy go today.

SpongeBob: Yep, he's gonna have to-- (notices; shocked) What? Let the little guy go?! Little guy? Who's the little guy? It must be either me, or-- (gasps) Squidward! (stands behind Squidward, who is sitting) Phew! I am taller. You're the little guy, Squidsy!

Squidward: (stands up) No, and I want you to stop calling me Squidsy. (walks away)

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward looked taller there for a second. Better get a more accurate measurement. (stands right next to Squidward in the workstation)

Squidward: What do you think you're doing?

SpongeBob: Oh, just seeing which one of us is the little guy... (makes himself taller, like a skyscraper) ...and it looks like it is you!

Squidward: No, I'm not! (walks away)

SpongeBob: Squidward, wait! (becomes short again) We haven't measured with my legs at full extension yet! (extends legs)

Squidward: (off-screen) I don't care! Now get back in the kitchen!

SpongeBob: You'll care when you find out what's gonna happen to the little guy. Whoa! (walks off balance, then falls and breaks a table) Oh, who am I kidding? I need to face the facts. (makes a strange face) Face the facts that I'm the little guy! (tears up, making another face) And that Mr. Krabs is letting me go today.

Squidward: (smiles) Krabs is letting you go today? (laughs) As in I won't have to work with you ever again. (laughs)

SpongeBob: (walks through the doors and becomes flattened, sad) Goodbye, Krusty Krab. Goodbye, life as I know it. (the wind blows SpongeBob away)

Mr. Krabs: (still on the phone) Yeah, as much as I don't like doing it, I have to let him go. (a little scallop in a cage is shown) Gotten too big for his cage. (releases the scallop) Go on, little guy. Fly away. You'll be missed. (as the scallop flies away, SpongeBob floats into his house, landing in a chair)

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use, Gary? (body pops up to his normal self) I've lost the will to go on! (bursts into tears on the couch, then stops, noticing a rumble from a refrigerator Patrick is pulling with a rope. Sniffs sadly) Hi, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, sorry to interrupt your fit of self-loathing, SpongeBob. (happily) I'm just borrowing your refrigerator again.

SpongeBob: (confused) What happened to yours?

Patrick: Nothing, it's just empty.

SpongeBob: (sad) Oh, get it out of my sight! Now that I have no means of purchasing food for myself, I do not need a refrigerator.

Patrick: Oh, don't get down on yourself, buddy. You can still purchase food for me.

SpongeBob: Oh, no I can't, Patrick. I lost my job today. I won't be able to buy food for you, (sniffs) or Gary, (sniffs again) or for anybody!

Patrick: (shocked) Oh, no! What are you gonna do?!

SpongeBob: (sad) I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! I've been a fry cook for so long I... I don't think I can do anything else.

Patrick: (gets an idea; happily) I know, SpongeBob! Just do what I do when I'm looking for a job. (runs to SpongeBob's couch and sits down) Kick back, watch some TV, (turns television on with remote and holds a carton of "Drinkable Sausage" with a close-up shot of it) and chug down a carton on Drinkable Sausage! (drinks from the carton)

Gary: (while sitting on some newspapers) Meow.

SpongeBob: (happily) Good, Gary! There had to be some job openings in the classifieds. (picks up one newspaper while noticing its dirty smell) Whoa! Although these ads smell a little out of date. I better get some fresh ones. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob reading a clean newspaper) Lawyer, no. Too much arguing. Stunt driver, don't have a boating license. Astronaut, don't like food in a bag. Oh, this one sounds interesting. Bank Teller Needed. That shouldn't be too much of a stretch from fry cooking. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob counting money at a bank while having his name tag on) 20, 40, 60, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97. (flips money up with spatula. Chops it all up, some flying onto Fred's head, forming the money into a Krabby Patty, as seen in a close-up shot of it) Order up! (rings bell once. Employee takes SpongeBob's name tag off, causing SpongeBob to lose air inside of him. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob hammering a nail while building a house) What do you think, boss?

Carpenter: (looks at the house; shocked) Clamshells! What have you done, boy? (looks at a piece of paper showing what the real house looks like. Looks at a house built by SpongeBob shaped into a Krabby Patty) I told you to build me a house, not a sandwich! (kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out of the construction site)

SpongeBob: I guess I'm not a carpenter, Patrick. (walks in front of a billboard showing a live sponge) I need to start fresh. (some words on billboard sparkle as SpongeBob talks) With a job that feels...natural. Something that says, "This is a job for a sponge." Any idea where I can find a job like that, Patrick?

Patrick: No. Oh, but, yes! It's so obvious! You should work at the Krusty Krab. They need a fry cook!

SpongeBob: I can't, Patrick. That's the job I got fired from, remember?

Patrick: Ohhh. Mayhaps you should talk to the sponge behind you. He looks happy.

SpongeBob: That's just a billboard, Patrick.

Patrick: Why don't you get a job as a billboard?

SpongeBob: I...don't think that's physically possible, [happily] but I could audition to be a sponge model.

Patrick: Fine, do it your way. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking into the Bikini Bottom Television (BBTV) building)

SpongeBob: Wow! What a setup! Oh, I don't know, Patrick. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I don't have the talent.

Patrick: Oh, you have the talent. But do you have the natural ability?

SpongeBob: Yeah, but...wait, isn't that the same thing?

Patrick: Why don't you find out?

SpongeBob: (quickly covers the door) Wait! I can't do this, Patrick. What if I don't stack up to the competition? Maybe I should just beg Mr. Krabs for my old job back. (starts walking out, but Patrick stops him)

Patrick: No way! It's too late for that now. Krabs doesn't need you anymore. This is your chance to prove you don't need him. Now get in there and earn me some groceries! (pushes SpongeBob through the door to a female casting director, looking at a clipboard; to casting director) My friend here wants to audition for the sponge model role.

SpongeBob: Oh, well, want is a strong word. I'd like an audition, but if you've already cast it, that's fine if you cast it. (to Patrick) I think she's already cast it. We'd better go, Patrick.

Casting Director: (stops SpongeBob and Patrick from walking out) Hold it. You want the audition, kid? You got it.

SpongeBob: (turns his whole body around; happily) I did?

Casting Director: Show me what you got.

SpongeBob: (sweats; worried) Okay. Here goes. (clears throat) Patrick, please? (Patrick hands out a metal tool and hits it on his forehead, playing a note) Laaa! (clears throat again) Sorry. (keeps clearing throat and getting a perfect pitch at the same time, from high to low)

Casting Director: Okay, okay, okay! Let's get on with this train wreck.

SpongeBob: Okay, getting on it. (clears throat yet again, then sings off-key)

When you dream upon a wish,
You'll be heartened to know,
That hope fills your dish,
To the brim!

Casting Director: (unenthusiastically) All right, all right. Thank you. I've heard enough.

SpongeBob: (runs closely to the casting director) How'd I do?

Casting Director: Horribly. I've seen clams with more talent than you. (SpongeBob falls down) But since the role specifically calls for a real sponge, the part is yours. (SpongeBob slowly gets up) Here's the script. We start shooting tomorrow at 10. Don't be late. (SpongeBob rips himself in half, happily snatches the script, then jumps out of the building)

SpongeBob: I guess a sponge can make it in this town. (pupils turn into stars) I am going to be a star! (a crowd suddenly comes close to SpongeBob, cheering while holding camera and microphones, while a news reporter faces a camera close to SpongeBob)

News Reporter: I'm standing here with the new face of television, Mr. SpongeBob SquarePants. (to SpongeBob) I'm sure the viewing audience would love to know, how does it feel to be the next big thing?

SpongeBob: Fantastic. (puts on sunglasses. Signs an autograph and waves at the crowd)

Crowd: (chanting) SpongeBob! SpongeBob! (cut to SpongeBob with his eyes closed)

Patrick: SpongeBob. Hey, SpongeBob. Did you say something?

SpongeBob: Oh, yes I did, Patrick. (points to himself) I said, "You're looking at the new face of television."

Patrick: All right!

SpongeBob: Well, I better go home and get some beauty sleep.

Patrick: Yeah, beauty sleep! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick walking on the road)

SpongeBob: That's right. You are looking at a changed sponge. But don't worry. I won't forget all the people who held me on the way up.

Mr. Krabs: (walks by, carrying golf supplies and even wearing golf clothes) Afternoon, boy-o!

SpongeBob: Ah, just as I was saying. I'd like to thank you for giving me my humble start. I won't forget you. (he and Patrick walk by)

Mr. Krabs: (scratches his head) What was that about? Oh, probably just nonsense and babbling, as usual. (walks away. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Patrick on the street right next to SpongeBob's house)

SpongeBob: Patrick, when next you see me, it shall be on the television. (walks into his house. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob walking back into the BBTV building towards the casting director, working on a computer)

Casting Director: Oh, you're back!

SpongeBob: A star's first day is his most important.

Casting Director: Great. Let me see if they're ready on set. (through a microphone) SpongeBob's here, sir. Uh-huh. Okay, great. (to SpongeBob) Okay, you can go right in.

SpongeBob: Yippee! (happily runs into the set, toward a spotlight) I am ready for my close-up, Mr. Director.

Director: (with a French accent) Very well. (through a megaphone) Lose the pants! (a claw snatches SpongeBob's pants, making him naked) Hans! Where's my star?! (Hans, a live-action hand, comes out of a dressing room and grabs SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Whoa! What's happening? (lights turn on behind SpongeBob, showing a dirty bathroom set) Wh-wh-what's happening?!

Director: In this scene, you'll be cleaning bathroom mixtures.

SpongeBob: Okay, so, uh, where's my cleaning utensil?

Director: (mumbles angrily and quietly) Don't you get it? You are the cleaning utensil. (SpongeBob suddenly frowns) Roll speed! (a red light turns on from a camera)

Charlie: (as a movie assistant, holding a movie clipboard) New Sponge Commercial: Take one. (closes clipboard)

Director: (through a megaphone) Action!

Announcer: (off-screen) Oh, no! Your bathroom is a disaster. Get it cleaned up fast with...the New Sponge! (while on camera, SpongeBob groans) Household chores are a snap with new sponge. It cleans sinks. (sink shines after being cleaned by a now dirty SpongeBob) Just look at that shine! New sponge cuts through even the toughest grime and grit. New Sponge also cleans showers! (SpongeBob screams while cleaning the shower, which shines too. Chuckles) That tile looks good as new! (SpongeBob sighs, tired) But best of all, new sponge can make any toilet sparkle! (as SpongeBob hears this, he looks at the toilet's dirty inside before going straight in)

SpongeBob: Nooo! (suddenly stops right before he goes in) I can't do this!

Director: (through a megaphone] Cut!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry. I don't think I'm cut out for acting.

Director: Was? You said you were professional actor.

SpongeBob: Well, I'm not. (puts on his work hat) I am a fry cook. (holds up his spatula) That's what I am, and that's what I've always been! I'm sorry to waste your time, mister. (walks away)

Director: Wait! Wait! (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs making a money pyramid in his office)

Mr. Krabs: Ever so gently...

SpongeBob: (slams door loudly, causing Mr. Krabs' money pyramid to fall) Mr. Krabs! (while crying a trail of tears toward Mr. Krabs) Please let me back, please! I promise I'll do better. (hugs Mr. Krabs) Please.

Mr. Krabs: Boy, what are you going on about?!

SpongeBob: (sniffles) I heard you on the phone saying you were gonna let the little guy go. But I don't wanna go! Please don't let me go, Mr. Krabs! You're looking at the little guy that doesn't want to go.

Mr. Krabs: All right, boy-o! I won't get rid of ya: on one condition. (SpongeBob happily nods. Bubble-wipe to SpongeBob happily mopping a toilet)

SpongeBob: Oh, boy! This is the best job in the world!

Hans: Hey, could you keep it down in there? (he is shown reading a newspaper in a stall while on a toilet) I'm trying to concentrate.

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