Episode Transcript: Late for Breakfast

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Episode Article: Late for Breakfast

Characters

Dialogue

(episode, and by extension the entire series, begins with the episode's title appearing on the screen. Squidward delivers mail, then gets chased by a worm. Camera zooms into Patrick's bedroom. Patrick is snoring. Camera zooms out and rotates around to show his whole room. Some instruments are playing by themselves and then the bottom of the violin breaks off and wakes up a black sea urchin, who screams. The urchin jumps out of bed and lands on Patrick's forehead, waking him up)

Patrick: (screams and falls out of bed, then groans) The best way out of bed, is an urchin on your head. (takes the urchin off, leaving holes in his head, which make flute sounds to the melody of the ending of SpongeBob's theme song) Ah! Who's the best pet urchin in the whole world? You are, Ouchie! Give us a kiss! (kisses Ouchie, which creates thorns on his lips) Ouch. (a gross close-up of Patrick's lips with the thorns is shown) Love hurts. (puts Ouchie down) Well, off you go, little man. (giggles then rolls to the dresser with his toothbrush) Of course, you have to remember to brush every morning. (instead of it being a toothbrush, he brushes his eyes) Keeping my eyes minty fresh! (when he's done, he gets a cherry out of his nose and gives to Ouchie, who's reading a book. Laughs) Gross. (his watch then makes a raspberry, which reminds him about something) Uh-oh! It's almost time for my show! I'd better get Squidina. (after he opens his door, a knight charges toward the screen, forcing Patrick to quickly shut the door) Whoops. Wrong door. Now where was that door? Hmmm... (realizes something) There it is!

Squidina: Where you going? (drags Patrick) Show is this way! (puts Patrick behind the curtain) Knock 'em dead, bro! (adjusts microphone) And now, it's The Patrick Show with your host, Patrick Star! (rolls up the curtain)

Ouchie: Arf! Arf-arf! Arf!

Patrick: (winks at Ouchie) Ohhh... (hits a toilet, slides down, and falls into a tiki head; singing)

I can't do anything 'cause I know nothing. 
Lack of experience never stopped me! (hits the glass screen and starts making a snow angel) 
I got a TV show, though I'm just bluffing. 
Make believe you're watching and I know you'll agree!

R.A. PennyPincher: Doo-doo-do-doodoo... Huh? (looks at the glass screen, which shows Patrick's backside; disgusted) Agh! Ugg! (runs away)

Patrick: (singing)

The Patrick Show is all my imagination, (hits a big Patrick head) 
because my head is empty, 
I can fill it with cheese! (cheese explodes all over the screen) 
Ice cream with syrup, and marbles and bloopers. 
There's one thing I can't find, and that is my... keys?!

(camera zooms in to reveal a shocked Patrick with his keys in his mouth)

Squidina: Hey, Patrick! What's today's show gonna be about?

Patrick: (stomach growls) I don't know. I'm hungry.

Squidina: We'll be right back with Patrick Star and "I'm Hungry", right after these words. (puts a VHS tape into a television, which airs a Chum Bucket ad)

Choir Singers: Chum, chum, chum.

Plankton: Chum. It's versatile. You can spread it on toast. Hah-hah! (spreads some chum on some toast, but it turns into chum itself) Aw. It also keeps you warm on frosty winter nights. (uses the chum as a blanket) Mmm, cozy. The smell keeps out the cold. (the smell makes Plankton throw up. Cut to the Chum Bucket dining room. The customers appear to be real fish, but they are actually cardboard cut-outs) Here at the Chum Bucket, chum comes in three delicious varieties. Moist, soggy, and pumpkin spice.

Choir Singers: Chum Bucket, where chum is your chum!

Patrick: (stomach grumbles again) That reminds me: Breakfast! (walks over to the door) In this family, you gotta be fast or the food's all gone. Let's go backstage. (when the door opens, it starts sucking everything in Patrick's room inside. Manages to close the door) Wrong door again?! (angrily shakes the door, which opens as if it were dizzy) Hmph. (cut to the kitchen, where Patrick is coming in for a pancake breakfast on a zip-line) Leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle! (falls and hits his head on the floor) Morning, Mom. (kisses his mother, Bunny Star, who laughs) Good morning, Dad. (shares a head shock with Cecil Star, his father)

Patrick and Cecil: Oh. (both laugh)

GrandPat Star: Ugh. Huh?

Patrick: Mom, Dad, who's this guy?

Bunny Star: I have no idea. Do you, Cecil?

Cecil Star: So you can see him too, Bunny? Huh, I thought I was the only one.

GrandPat: I'm your grandfather, GrandPat! Must we do this every morning?!

Patrick: (whispers to Bunny and Cecil) Just play along. He could be dangerous.

Squidina: Uh-huh.

Patrick: Hey, sis. What you up to?

Squidina: (puts phone on hold) Well, right now, I'm trying to book an imaginary app for your imaginary TV show.

Patrick: Well, how's it going?

Squidina: They said their imaginary people are gonna call my imaginary people.

Patrick: Hee-hee!

Squidina: So, anyway...

Patrick: As they say in France, (puts napkin around neck), bone applefeet. (just before he starts, he gets upset because there are no more pancakes)

Cecil: All done. (everybody except Patrick drops their dishes outside, which causes them all to shatter. The window rolls up; upset) Darn. Looks like I'll be on time for work again.

Bunny: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. (to get Cecil to work, he, Bunny, and Squidina get on GrandPat's motor which backs up slowly, but goes super fast)

Patrick's family: Whoa! Agh!

Patrick: Hey, what about my breakfast? Well, I guess I'll just have to break my own fast. (walks to the triangular-door refrigerator and opens it) Ooh! (the knight from earlier starts charging towards the screen again, forcing Patrick to shut the door. Then a sound is heard, suggesting that the knight destroyed something) I think the milk went bad. (a few seconds later, he hears some small chewing sounds coming from under the table. Looks under to see a father and mother, daughter, and son of blue fish with spikes on top) Hey! It's the Dartfish family!

Daddy Dartfish: Good morning, Patrick. Would you like to join us for our sad and meager breakfast?

Patrick: Well, I...

Dartfishes: Aww...

Patrick: (changes his mind) No. I guess not.

Daddy Dartfish: All right, then. (the Dartfishes chow down their food in almost less than a second)

Dartfishes: Ah.

Daddy Dartfish: Well, we gotta dart. (they all get up and zigzag until they get out of the tablecloth. Food-filled transition to the next scene. Patrick is searching in the hallway for something to eat)

Patrick: Food! Here, foody-food! Hello? Food! (looks under the carpet and sees a futuristic mini-city and looks in awe) Eww! Mom's gotta vacuum under there more often. (Food-filled transition to the next scene. Patrick is using a pick-ax on GrandPat's bed, with the latter just coming in) Food! Food!

GrandPat: Hey? What are you doing in my room?

Patrick: Duh, looking for food. (tummy rumbles) I'm starving!

GrandPat: Food? Ha, bah, you kids have it easy these days. Back in my day, we were food.

Patrick: (entranced by the flame) Ooh. What flavor?

GrandPat: Hush, noodle brain.

Patrick: Noodles.

GrandPat: It was way back in the Patrolithic period of early cave stars. (flashback of GrandPat and Ancient Patrick in caveman clothes begins. Their stomachs grumble) Automobiles hadn't been invented yet, so there was no way to get to a supermarket. (they see Ancient Plankton and try to turn him into dinner. But instead of being small, he's extremely big) We had to do all our shopping in the wild. (they both grunt while poking Dino Plankton's tail with sticks. This makes him annoyed so he swats the two away with his tail) Where the dinosaurs were shopping for US!

GrandPat and Ancient Patrick: Oof! (they both land on a rock and groan. A T. rex version of Squidward appears)

Squidasaurus Rex: Roar!

GrandPat: It was just a matter of luck as to who would eat who. (he and Ancient Patrick scream. The Squidasaurus Rex then turns the two into his lunch and sighs happily)

Ancient Patrick: Well, I guess things can't get any worse. (the Squidasaurus Rex plays the clarinet horribly. The two stars groan and cover their ears. Flashback ends with Patrick and GrandPat still groaning)

GrandPat: And thus, cave stars provided nutrition for the dinosaurs. And that's why dinosaurs are still with us today. (Patrick looks out the window to see the Squidasaurus Rex chowing down on Squidward)

Patrick: That reminds me, I'm hungry. (thinks for a second and a light comes above him, indicating that he has gotten an idea) Hmm, I know! I'll do a cooking segment on my show, and I'll make myself something to eat! Hup, hup! Hoo! (drops through GrandPat's floor to begin The Patrick Show!'s newest segment, "Cooking with Patrick") Welcome back to the show. Now we're going to make a casserole!

Ouchie: Arf! Arf-arf! Arf! Arf!

Patrick: Well, let's see. (gets some ingredients, all of which are just junk) We have socks, dirty sneakers, dried leaves, old paperbacks, and used napkins? (looks at Squidina) Hmm...

Squidina: Eh, you gotta work with what you got.

Patrick: (puts the napkins along with the other junk, and throws the resulting "trash-erole" into the oven) Cook at 1,000 degrees for one second. It's ready! (he, Squidina, and Ouchie wear fire safety clothes so they won't get burned by the burning heat) Okay. (when he gets it out, the trash-erole is completely burnt) Ooh. (to see if it's done, Patrick jabs the trash-erole with a spoon. The clock makes a raspberry which tells Squidina something)

Squidina: Time to wrap it up! (presses a button that begins the end credits)

Patrick: The story, characters, and names portrayed in this production are suspicious, especially mine. No person associated with this show received anything of value, especially me. No one was harmed in the making of this show, except me. Ouch. Thanks for watching. (the curtain closes while Squidina and Ouchie praise Patrick)

Squidina: That was amazing! The song, the trash-erole, the hula number with the cast of thousands!

Patrick: (says hi to some random hula dancers) Hi!

Hula Dancers: Hi!

Patrick: I don't remember that at all.

Squidina: I don't know how you do it.

Patrick: I don't know what I do it.

Squidina: I bet you worked up an appetite.

Patrick: Ooh. (cut to the kitchen where Patrick rushes in for dinner) Food! Aw, I missed food again! (hears small chewing and looks under the table to find the Dartfish family once again)

Daddy Dartfish: Hello, Patrick. We're just having dinner. One piece of crumb for each of us. Here you go, Teensy Tom. Now you won't starve. (Patrick is really hungry and drooling)

Teensy Tom: Aw. Food? (the crumb goes around Patrick's nose while he inhales it)

Patrick: Nah, Teensy. You eat it. (Teensy gobbles up the crumb) Oh, dinner? (giggles) Whoa! (Bunny arrives. She appears to have watched the cooking segment)

Bunny: Here we are! It's called a trash-erole. I learned it from a show I saw today. (doubtful) I think. (walks over to her seat)

Patrick: (looks at Bunny trash-erole) I must have cooked mine too long.

Bunny: Bone applefeet! (the family chow it down with a very stinky fight cloud)

Patrick: (slurping down a sock) Mm, ah, delicious, Mom.

Squidina: (happily) Get this! I just booked a sponge with square pants who does a bubble act! And the best part is, I did it on my toy telephone! (when she puts it down, it lets out a moo. The entire family laughs, with the exception of GrandPat. Cut to nighttime where the Squidasaurus Rex is playing the clarinet and Patrick and Squidina are getting ready for bed)

Patrick: Goodnight, Squidina!

Squidina: Goodnight, big brother!

Patrick: Goodnight, Ouchie. (gets thorns on his hands) Ouch. (jumps up into bed, snoring. Cecil and Bunny come into Patrick's room to check on him)

Cecil: Would you just look at him, mother. The little angel.

Bunny: He sure is.

Cecil: Uh, who is he again?

Bunny: I have no idea. (Patrick is still sleeping. The screen turns black and the knight charges toward the screen once more, whereupon the episode ends)