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Episode Transcript: Squid Wood
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Episode Article: Squid Wood
Characters
Dialogue
Squidward: (sighs happily) I love waking up to my own circadian rhythm without the aid of an alarm clock. (notices
SpongeBob standing next to his bed)
SpongeBob: Morning, Squidward. I waited for you to stop sleeping like you asked. So, you got any plans for the day,
Squidward? (SpongeBob is spit out of the island head, into the air) Okay, Squidward, I'll catch ya later. (cut to Squidward
planting. Right before he puts in a plant, he sees SpongeBob’s face in the hole) Hi, Squidward, wanna play?
Squidward: No, and leave me alone! (puts the plant in the whole, covering SpongeBob’s face. Then a flower springs from the
ground with SpongeBob’s face on it)
SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, see ya later. (cut to Squidward in front of a canvas)
Squidward: Ah, the blank canvas. Infinite possibilities. All of the colors of the known and unknown universe hiding on my
palate. The artist approaches, ready to create. (right before he begins to paint, SpongeBob’s face appears on the canvas)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to play? (Squidward paints a giant red 'NO' on the canvas) Okay, Squidward, see ya later.
(cut to Squidward in his library)
Squidward: (sighs) Perhaps I can find solitude in the printed word. (Opens book and SpongeBob jumps out)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to play? (Squidward shuts book, with SpongeBob in it, and puts it back on the shelf) (muffled) Okay,
Squidward, see ya later. (cut to Squidward in his bathtub while playing with his nose and scatting. He notices SpongeBob
watching him from his window and screams) Hi, Squidward, want to play hide-and-seek?
Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, you hide first. (closes the curtain) Oh, no, where'd he go? I guess he wins. (laughs) Defeat
has never tasted so sweet. (phone rings) Yello?
SpongeBob: (mouth pops out of phone into Squidward's ear) How 'bout a game of Hangman?
Squidward: How 'bout a game of hang up? (hangs up phone) Well, I guess this brings an end to my luxuriating. (as he walks
out of the bathtub, he is sprayed in the fae with mud. SpongeBob is drilling into his bathroom)
SpongeBob: How about Duck, Duck, Hermit Krab? Hopscotch? Squidward Says? Steal The Bacon? Sleeping Sea Lions? Sharks &
Minnows? Sink The Submarine? Kings & Queens? Mohjongg? (Squidward is beginning to fume so he picks up SpongeBob and shakes him) Whoa, I've never played this game before. What's it called?
Squidward: It's called, "I will never play with you... ever!" (throws SpongeBob in a hole and moves the refrigerator over it)
SpongeBob: Something tells me Squidward doesn't want to play today. That's it. If I can't play with the real Squidward...
(jumps out of hole) I'll just make one of my own! (fridge falls on top of Squidward. He squirms out from under it and sees
SpongeBob running back to his house)
Squidward: I think that moron finally gets it! I don't want to see or hear him for the... (pneumatic tools whirring and
grinding are heard from SpongeBob’s house. Squidward walks over to his house) SpongeBob! Will you make that racket stop?!
SpongeBob, you open this door right this... (door opens and knocks Squidward down)
Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward. (Squidward screams and hides behind a bush) Squidward! It's me, Mini Squid!
Squidward: What are you doing, SpongeBob?
Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward.
Squidward: What manner of annoying scheme is this?
SpongeBob: Just say hello to him, Squidward. You know how sensitive he is.
Squidward: Hi. Now, SpongeBob, what the...?
SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, he prefers to be addressed by his full name.
Squidward: (sighs) Hello, Squidward.
Mini Squid: Wondrous weather we're having, eh, Squidward, old pal?
Squidward: SpongeBob, what is the meaning of this?
Mini Squid: SpongeBob made a replacement you: me. So when you you don't want to play, SpongeBob will play with me-you.
Squidward: So, you'll be filling in for me when SpongeBob wants to play one of his stupid games?
Mini Squid: Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, Thank you, thank you, thank you! (kisses Mini Squid then runs off laughing hysterically) Woo-hoo-hoo! (pole
vaults through his house window. SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mini Squid
sitting next to SpongeBob’s Pineapple playing charades)
Mini Squid: Three words. Movie title. (gasps) "12 Angry Jellyfish".
SpongeBob: How does he do it? Right again, Squiddy. You little charades master, you.
Patrick: (to Mini Squid) Squidward, you look a little different. Wow. Have you been working out?
SpongeBob: Actually, Patrick, this is...
Patrick: Hold it, SpongeBob. Ooh, I know. You shaved your beard. (SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Scene cuts
to Squidward working at the Krusty Krab serving krabby patties to a couple)
Squidward: Alright now, who has the Krabby Patty and who has the krabby patty? (The customers are silent and look
irritated.)
Squidward: See... 'cause... they're both... krabby. (SpongeBob and Mini Squid walk in)
SpongeBob: Good one, Mini Squid! You are always such a ray of sunshine. Are you ready for another fabulous day of work at
the Krusty Krab?
Mini Squid: Of course, I am. I love to work!
Male Fish #1: Who is that little fellow with SpongeBob?
Female Fish: I don't know, but isn't he handsome?
Male Fish #1: Yeah, he is handsome. (Squidward starts mumbling) Ahem.
Squidward: Oh, sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
Male Fish #1: No. I don't like your attitude, bub. Is this what the Krusty Krab calls friendly service? (Mini Squid pops up
from under the cash register)
Mini Squid: Sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
Male Fish #1: Now that's more like it. Finally, a server with a good attitude.
Mini Squid: Well, thank you very much.
Male Fish #1: I'll take eight dozen of your finest patties, please. But don't let old chowder pants over there touch them.
He might taint the patties.
Squidward: Fine then. Do my work for me. (puts his hat on Mini Squid's head and walks away)
Squidward: I'm starting to like this Mini Squid doing my work, keeping SpongeBob off my back. I could get used to this.
SpongeBob: Order up, Mini Squid!
Mini Squid: Okay, SpongeBob. Always happy to help. (laughs)
SpongeBob: Okay, pal! (flips six patties on Mini Squid's plate) Go get em', tiger! (Mini Squid walks over to the customers)
Mini Squid: Okay, who ordered the Krabby Patty, and who ordered the Krabby Patty? (both fish laugh)
Squidward: What the...? That's my joke!
Male Fish #1: Wow, honey, this new Mini Squid is such a card!
Female Fish: And a great waiter, dear.
Male Fish #1: Yeah. You're right. So much better than that old, lousy, larger-scale Squidward. (Squidward mumbles angrily)
Female Fish: Yeah! Bring that little fella over here and let me give him a $300 dollar tip! (shows $300)
Squidward: What? All right, all right! That's enough! My break is finished. (walks behind cash register)
Squidward: Oh boy! Back to work!
Mr. Krabs: Hold on a second, there.
Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Squidward, me cephalopod, I'm sorry to tell you this -- well not that sorry -- the customers prefer the new
smaller Squidward to you. And so do I! 'Cause he's making me some bucks. So I'm changing your job to busboy, effective immediately. (hands Squidward dirty dishes) Now pipe down and watch how it's done.
Mini Squid: Hey, everybody! I'm Squidward and I love to dance.
Male Fish #2: I, for one, love to watch people dance while I eat. Who's with me? Who wants Mini Squidward to dance for our
amusement? (everyone cheers)
Mini Squid: Well, gosh, okay. (SpongeBob changes Mini Squid into a purple aerobics outfit. Mini Squid starts dancing when
the music starts. Some customers dance the same thing Mini Squid and SpongeBob are dancing)
Squidward: What's the big deal? Those are all my moves! (dances the same moves but no one is impressed)
Fred: (gasps) Talk about no talent.
Male Fish #3: Maybe Squidward should get sized-reduction surgery so he'll dance better! (everyone laughs)
Squidward: That Mini Squid. (Mini Squid continues to dance and plays the clarinet to everyone's amazement)
Mini Squid: Everybody dance! (everyone dances. Music stops and Mini Squid takes a bow)
Squidward: That was awful! (all cheer for Mini Squid and Squidward begins to fume)
Squidward: He stole my jokes. He stole my job. He stole my standing ovation! You little wooden fiend. Stop stealing my
life! (does bodily harm to Mini Squid before an agent shows up)
Talent Agent: Stop, stop! Don't gnaw on the head of my new client, please? You don't know what you're doing. Are you mad?
Have mercy!
Squidward: Wait a minute. I've seen you before. You're that music agent that represents my favorite clarinet player.
Talent Agent: Salutations! I'm Milo J. Finkerfish: manager for "Curly Bubbles Records".
Squidward: You mean you're here to sign me up for a record deal?
Talent Agent: The answer to that question is a big N-O. (points to Mini Squid) However, this guy here is woo-hoo woo-hoo
good! We're offering him a million dollar contract with a sequin suit.
Squidward: (gasps) A sequin suit?! That's what you're supposed to offer me! Why take a cheep knock off when you can have
the original. (plays a lively tune on his clarinet and dances)
Squidward: Now, where do I sign? (Milo laughs)
Talent Agent: Yeah, right, kid! (takes Mini Squid)
SpongeBob: Well, Mini Squid, I guess this is it. We've had some good times playing charades and dancing around like two
giddy butterflies! (laughs) Remember?
Mini Squid: Yep, those were the days.
SpongeBob: I guess it's time for you to move on, huh? Onto greener pastures. Arrivederci, mon frere.
Talent Agent: Alright, kid, let's go become a sensation. Oh, and I'll see you at the Clammy Awards. Oh no, I guess I won't.
(laughs)
SpongeBob: Bye-bye! What's the matter, actual-size Squidward?
Squidward: My dreams are crushed. But, hey, at least I won't see that Mini Squid ever again!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I have something even better! (takes out a mini SpongeBob) Another me! (Mini Sponge and SpongeBob laugh back and forth while Squidward's eye twitches)
