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Episode Transcript: Club SpongeBob
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Episode Article: Club SpongeBob
Characters
Dialogue
(episode starts with Squidward coming out of his house with a bicycle and putting on his work hat before heading to work. He passes a beanstalk-like vine which has a treehouse in it and in it is SpongeBob and Patrick, who are giggling)
SpongeBob: Wey wook.. it's Widward!!
Squidward: What? (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh)
SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work. (he and Patrick laugh)
Patrick: Where...does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab? (he and SpongeBob laugh)
Squidward: What's that supposed to mean? Some kind of stupid secret code?
SpongeBob: We can't tell you because you're not a member of the club.
Squidward: Oh yeah? What does it take to be a member? Besides being a moron... Hahaha...moron...as a requirement... hahaha...
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward. But you couldn't even get in even if you tried!
Squidward: Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 exclusive clubs all over the sea bottom.
Patrick: What'd he say?
SpongeBob: I dunno, something about his nose?
Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will definitely NOT fit in!
Squidward: Oh what do two you zeros know about fitting in? (climbs vine) Why...you should be begging me to join!!
SpongeBob and Patrick: No, no, no! Stop! You can't join! You can't get in! (Squidward squeezes himself in and gets stuck inside the tree house)
Squidward: Well, this is stupid... there's no room up here!
Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for three days.
Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in. (Squidward sneers)
SpongeBob: Well, since you're here Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready Patrick?
Patrick: Ready! (they clap hands and sing)
Music: Welcome to Our Club! (Song)
Welcome to our club, Welcome to our club.
Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Wel--
Squidward: (covers their mouths) Shut your half-wit pieholes! I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club!! (climbs down the vine, pulling down the beanstalk in the process. The vine holding the beanstalk snaps and it flicks backwards and Squidward and the tree house are sent flying. Screams while a couple mistake it for a shooting star)
Nancy: Whoa!
Frank: Make a wish, honey. (tree house falls into a kelp forest)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (both run out) Whoo!! Whoo!! Whoo!! Again!! Again!! (beating chests and flicking their tongues around) WHOLOOLOOLOOLOO...
Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!
Patrick: What happened? (Squidward moves away and frantically runs around)
Squidward: Where are we? We're lost. There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!(SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward, who starts crying) Why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? WHHHYY?!
SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid. It could be worse.
Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose. (Squidward's nose and head deflate)
Squidward: Well, this is the end. (drops to the ground)
SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward!
Patrick: (building coffins) It's not?
SpongeBob: Come on guys, we'll be fine! (patting Squidward's head) As long as we stick together, remember, we're a club!! WHOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOO!! (flicks tongue around) And besides...we have THIS!! (pulls out the Magic Conch Shell)
Squidward: What's that?
Patrick: OOOOOH! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something! Ask it something!
SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell...will I ever get married?
Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oooohhhh...
Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a STUPID toy! How can that possibly help us?
SpongeBob: (gasps) Squidward, you must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes it's advice before we do anything.
Patrick: The shell knows all!
SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch...what do we have to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Patrick: THE SHELL HAS SPOKEN!
Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do NOTHING!! (SpongeBob and Patrick sit down, literally doing nothing. Gets mad) I can't believe you two are gonna take advice.. from a TOY!! (SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing) Alright. Alright. Alright! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity. But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down!! (walks away in Kelp Forest) Sad clowns.. Haha. Haha. Sad. Haha. Haha. Clowns. Haha. Haha. (cut to further in the Kelp Forest. It is now dark and Squidward is running around, scared out of his wits, startled by frogs and an owl and a leopard shark) What was that? I was already here!! Which way do I go? Ohh I'm lost!! Ohh...I'm HOPELESSLY LOST!! I'll never get out of here!! (sees light) Huh? Huh? (laughs hysterically. Lands back in the light) I'm FREE!! Take that, SpongeBob and Patrick!! Ahahaha!! Ahahaha!! (fist punches in air. Sees SpongeBob and Patrick) Ohh...there's no way out of here. (bubble-wipe to later. A stick is thrown at Patrick's head. Squidward has surrounded himself with sticks and a fire and is wearing a Chinese hat. He is also sitting on a rock) How's it going over their at Club Shell-For-Brains? Mmm mmm mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club SQUIDWARD tonight? (steps on bug) Aahhhhh... (throws bug onto pan then walks over to SpongeBob) Oooohh. Doesn't that smell good, SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days. (walks over to Patrick) How about you, Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. (walks away) And do you know why, SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell! (shakes butt at SpongeBob) If you had listened to me, you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead, you listen to a talking clam, (moves back to Club Squidward) that tells you NOTHING! As if the answers to all your problems will fall right out of the sky! Hahaha!! Fall right out of the sky! (airplane starts falling out of the sky)
Purple Pilot: Dude, we're falling right out the sky! We gotta drop the load! (other pilot presses "Drop the Load" button. Airplane drops picnic supplies (including food) to where SpongeBob and Patrick are)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (both smile) Praise the Magic Conch!! (flicking tongues around) WHOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOO! (Squidward stares at them. The bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat while laughing)
Squidward: Hey uhh, SpongeBob, (he now looks like a scraggy savage) that sure is a lot of food you got there.
SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch.
Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. Oohh! Smoked Sausages! My favorite! (reaches for them but Patrick sucks them in and eats them, accidentally sucks Squidward's nose. Frees nose) Hey, uhh, SpongeBob, you know I was just kidding before earlier and I mean I'm still part of the club and I mean the club has to stick together, and uhh, uhh...
SpongeBob: Squidward...
Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (both clink glasses) To the club! (flicking tongues around) WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOLOOO!!
Squidward: Yeah.. Whooloolooloo.. Now if you'll excuse me... (runs to table with all the food) What should I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
SpongeBob: Why don't you ask... the Magic Conch, Squidward?
Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail. (SpongeBob and Patrick pull table away)
SpongeBob: (gasps) Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet.. This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization!
Patrick: (whispers) Maybe he's not a brother. (SpongeBob looks at Patrick wide-eyed)
Squidward: Heheheh...you guys have it all wrong!! I love this little piece of plastic. (picks up Magic Conch) Hello there. Uhh, Magic Conch, I was wondering...should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Well what about the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Squidward: Can I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: No?! What do you mean no? I'm starving here!
Patrick: (takes Magic Conch) Here, lemme try. Magic Conch...can Squidward have some of this yummy-delicious-super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
Patrick: Hmm.. Can I have some of this yummy-delicious-super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
Patrick: Alright! (vacuums in sandwich. Belches) Sorry Squidward.
Squidward: Give me that! (takes Magic Conch) Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?<
Magic Conch: Try asking again.
Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No. (Squidward fumes. His eyes become bloodshot and veins appear in his face. He shakes his head in fury)
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you alright? (Squidward is still getting mad)
Patrick: Maybe we should ask the shell if he's OK.
Rescuer: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? HELLO? Do you folks need some help? (cuts through kelp, seeing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward, close up shows them as scruffy castaways)
Squidward: I'm SAVED! (runs over to Rescuer) You don't know how happy I am to see you. I've been stranded out here for weeks.. with these two barnacle heads, and their Magic Conch Shell!
Rescuer: Magic...Conch...Shell? (pulls out Magic Conch) YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? (he now has two big teeth)
SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch! A club member!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: (flicking tongues around) WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOO!
Squidward: (close up shows him looking at the Rescuer in shock, mumbling in disbelief) A brother?
Rescuer: The Magic Conch told me to come and save you guys!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: Hooray for the Magic Conch!
Rescuer: Alright Magic Conch. What do we do now?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch! (they sit down doing nothing. Squidward moves behind them)
Squidward: (weakly) All hail the Magic Conch. (sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer)
