Episode Transcript: Ugh

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Episode Article: Ugh

Patchy the Pirate's episode is missing. This article needs more additional info on him. The end's article is choppy.

Characters

Dialogue

(we pan across live-action houses)

Narrator: It’s time for another SpongeBob SquarePants special! But it’s not an ordinary special, (we cut to outside Patchy’s house) because today we go to Encino, California, as it was… (lightning flashes and the houses are replaced by caves. It’s smoggy, there are loads of plants and trees, and a volcano in the distance) …one hundred million years ago! So prepare yourself for… (cut to a screen reading “SpongeBob B.C.”) SpongeBob SquarePants B.C.! (stone text drops reading…) (Before Comedy). (cut to a still frame of Patchy and Potty) With your host, Patchy the pirate! (audience cheers and applauds. Zoom inside the stone house. Inside are all the creature comforts of a normal home, but de-modernized. Patchy, in leopard garb, comes in riding a paper-mache dinosaur)

Patchy: Yee-ha! Hey kids! Now you’re probably wondering, “Hmm, what’s Patchy doing in a cave?” and good question, you little… (grumbles to self. The dinosaur walks over to a wall where there a cave drawings of Sponge and jellyfish) Well, it’s because today’s SpongeBob takes place in prehistoric times (cut to the drawing of Sponge with a stick and jellyfish) …back when man struggled for survival (pan over to show a dinosaur eating Pat and Sponge running away) and dinosaurs ruled the Earth. (the dinosaur walks back into the middle of the room) Isn’t that right, Bronty? But I’m riding YOU now! (pan out to reveal Patchy is wearing the dinosaur like an inner tube, and he struggles to get out of it, but falls over on his side. He screams for aide and two stagehands run over to him. Cut to a "Please Stand By" screen. Soon, Patchy is up) Like I was saying, prehistoric times were the greatest. (cut to black-and-white footage of cavemen) It was a simpler time (cut to a picture of a caveman with a finger up his nose) with simpler pleasures! (cut to Patchy, holding up two robes, identical to each other and the one Patchy is wearing) Your clothes always match! (cut to Patchy with a paintbrush) You can draw on the walls! And nobody yell at ya! (he picks up a giant club) It was much easier to hit a baseball! (he sits down on the couch) Oh yeah, prehistoric times were the best. (he gasps) Hey kids! Are those pterodactyl wings I hear ‘a flappin’? I think I know who that is! Please welcome the Potty-dactyl! (Potty flies in, but has a head visor and jetpack on)

Potty: (squawk) Sorry I’m late.

Patchy: Potty! Why aren’t you wearing your costume? (he picks up the pterodactyl costume) I stayed up all night making it!

Potty: (squawk) You’re wasting your time, old man. Prehistoric stuff is lame. Everybody knows the future’s where it’s at.

Patchy: What?! (laughs nervously) That’s not true! Don’t mind him, folks. Why even SpongeBob SquarePants knows that prehistoric stuff is, what the kids say, (air quotes) cool.

Potty: (squawk) No he doesn’t.

Patchy: Yes he does.

Potty: Nope.

Patchy: He most certainly does.

Potty: No he doesn’t.

Patchy: Yes he does!

Potty: No.

Patchy: (angry) I know for a fact that he does!

Potty: …not. (Patchy fumes. Cut to a screen reading…)

Narrator: Meanwhile. (cut to SpongeBob at the grill, all nervous. Krabs busts in)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What’s wrong?

SpongeBob: I don’t know, Mr. Krabs, but I’ve got this strangest feeling that somewhere out there, a pirate and parrot are arguing about me. (close-up on Sponge) And the parrot is winning. (cut to Patchy and Potty)

Patchy: Does.

Potty: Doesn’t.

Patchy: Does.

Potty: Doesn’t.

Patchy: Does.

Potty: Doesn’t.

Patchy: Does! Uh, look, while we’re arguing, why don’t you folks go ahead and watch some prehistoric SpongeBob! Roll the cartoon! …does.

Potty: Doesn’t. (Patchy fumes)
(the opening title screens, which before were blue and luscious with plants and shells, are now gray with fossils)

Ugh
Storyboard Directors: Paul Tibbitt and Kent Osborne
Storyboard Artists: Carson Kugler, Caleb Meurer, and William Reiss
Writers: Paul Tibbitt and Kent Osborne
Animation Director: Andrew Overtoom
Creative Director: Derek Drymon

(We see the Bikini Attoll Island as we often do at the beginnings of episodes. But this time, it is a prehistoric island with murky water and foggy skies. A pterodactyl flies over the island.)

Narrator: Ah, dawn breaks over the primordial sea. (We submerge into the prehistoric Pacific ocean to see a muddy swamp.) It's here that millions of years ago, life began taking its first clumsy steps out of the darkness, opening its newly- formed eyeballs to stare into the blinding light of intelligence, in order to- Umm... never mind. This happened a long time ago.

(We pan over to prehistoric Conch street, where three houses similar to SpongeBob's pineapple, Patrick's rock, and Squidward's Easter Island Head, except SpongeBob's house has a fern growing out of the top, Squidward's is more like a monkey-shaped head, and Patrick's has no bamboo weathervane. These are prehistoric homes to the three's cavemen ancestors. In caveman SpongeBob's house, it is one large, empty room with cave drawings of him jellyfishing on the walls and rocks and bones on a shelf above his blanket, which he sleeps under. Back outside, a giant purple dinosaur fish wakes up under a beam of sunlight to gurgle out a call similar to SpongeBob's foghorn alarm clock. The sound waves cause the rock to rattle off a shelf and it falls on the prehistoric sponge’s head. Alarmed, Sponge shrieks, but calms down when he notices the rock. He laughs and shoves the rock back on the shelf. He then takes his hide blanket from on the floor and puts it on as a pair of caveman pants. He puts on arm through a sleeve and walks outside of his pineapple, dragging a vine behind him.)

SpongeGar: Banooga ready! Tabonga, Gary.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeGar: Gary! Tabonga!

(SpongeGar walks into the clearing with the vine, and we that it's a leash and he’s walking a dinosnail Gary.)

Gary: Meow.

(Leaves behind a long trail of slime. SpongeGar and Gary walk past the primitive tiki lair that holds prehistoric Squidward, who looks out the window to see a path of blue slime on his path.)

Squog: Huh? Grrr...

(He is about to walk outside, but stops.)

Squog: Wait a minute...

(He imagines himself babbling in anger at Gary, and Gary smashing him into a splattered squid with an eyestalk.)

Squog: Hmm...

(He runs over and picks up two clubs. He debates with himself over which one to use. He takes the bigger one and walks out chuckeling. The club left behind cries. Squog approaches SpongeGar and Gary, who are out in the clearing.)

Squog: SpongeGar! SpongeGar! Manaka! No tabonga Gary poop! (Dino Gary rolls his eyes and slithers away as Squogg displays a small pile of snail slime and points to his front walkway, covered in the snail goop.) Tabonga as a go kielo saila! Tabonga doo. Tabonga doo!

SpongeGar: Tabonga doo? Hmm... Tabonga doo...

(Squog fumes and stamps off, but slips on the snail slime, sliding as if on a "Slip 'n' Slide", screaming for SpongeGar's help. But SpongeGar is too busy pondering the meaning of Squog’s demand. Squog slams into caveman Patrick’s rock, which opens, revealing Patrick's ancestor sticking to the underside of it as Patrick often does.)

Patar: Patar!

(He walks over to Squog, who is covered in snail slime, but not sliding any longer.)

Patar: Hmm... Yuk! (He sniffs his slime coating.) Blecch! (He tastes some of the slime cautiously.) Blecch! (He then takes out a salt shaker and adds some salt to the slime and tastes it again. This time it appears to be somewhat palatable, and he is satisfied, giving two thumbs up.) Mowonga!

(Squog, gets angry and shakes the slime off himself.)

Squog: Patar! Grrr...

Patar: Squog! (He laughs and hugs him.) Pattar unga Squog!

(He squeezes him so tightly, that the veins in his arms pop out, and Squog is slightly strangled.)

Patar: Squog. Squog!

(SpongeGar notices Patar.)

SpongeGar: Patar!

(Patar sees him and lets go of Squog, and Squog passes out onto the ground. The two run up to each other.)

Patar: SpongeGar! (SpongeGar smiles and hits himself on the head. Patar smiles and punches himself in the face a couple times. SpongeGar pulls out his nose and lets it go, slamming it back into his face. He screams, then stops suddenly and smiles. Patar pulls his lower lip over his head, and it tears off. He screams, then smiles.) SpongeGar!

SpongeGar: Patar.

Squog: Pfffffttt!

(Patar and SpongeGar hug.)

Squog: SpongeGar and Patar no got malonka palinka. Heh, heh. Palinka... (He is about to walk home again, when he slips on the slime trail again, and slides for a moment longer before sliding into his clay monkey head house and crashing into the back wall, where cave paintings of huters with arrows point at his exposed rear.) Ohh... (Back in the sand field across from the row of homes, SpongeGar reaches into his pants and pulls out half of a coconut shell with juice inside. He howls in glee. Patar sniffs it. SpongeGar gets a log and pours the liquid into it and blows into a hollow branch sticking out of the top of it, producing a bubble in a hole on the other side of the log. Patar tries to take cover from the bubble, but then sees it pop and realizes it's harmless and that there is no need to protect himself from it. So he claps and howls in delight. Then, clouds appear and it begins to rain. Patar then claps again and the rain stops, and the clouds relocate themselves. Patar smiles. SpongeGar tries his hand at it, but the rain stall. A few moments later, the clouds re-appear and it rains. Both cheer. Patar claps, and the rain ceases once more. The two get excited, and clap excessively. The rain begins, but won't stop. Next, thunder sounds, and the two stop their howling. Patar claps again, but nothing happens. Squog watches them from the second story window in his house.) Patar an SpongeGar bawannagog. No pooka Squog. Squog paint tayla foo.

(Squog starts to paint when thunder sounds, and lightning strike. Squog looks out his window and gasps to see that the bubble-blowing log has been ignited in flames, and Patar and SpongeGar have been injured by the lightning.)

Squog: Patar! SpongeGar!

(Both get up and run behind a rock, startled. They peek out from behind it to see the fire. SpongeGar, Squog, and Patar slowly approach it, quaking. Squog sniffs it and sticks his hand into it. His hand burns and he takes it out and screams in pain. SpongeGar and Patar put their hands in.)

Both: Huh? Hmmm... Uh-huh, Uh-huh... Ahhh...

(Suddenly, both scream, and all three suck their hands. Then, Patrick sniffs his, and turns away from it. Then, he adds salt and gnaws on his hand, and crawls away, thinking that SpongeGar and Squog will eat it. They don't want it, but they do get hungry. SpongeGar sees two plants.)

SpongeGar: Fongar!

(As he runs over to get them, Squog calls him a protozoa.)

Squog: Monga.

(SpongeGar is walking back when he trips and the plants fly into the fire.)

Squog: SpongeGar!

(He angrilly speaks gibberish. When he's done, he turns to see that Patar is salting his burnt hand. When Patar goes to bite Squog’s hand, Squog smashes his head in with a stick.)

Squog: Patar! Chonga!

(Patar crawls away disappointedly. SpongeGar stares at Squog’s stick, the two plants in the fire, then the stick again, then the plants, back and forth. We hear mystical music as he looks at the two faster and faster. Then, we see the four live-action singers in barber-shop garb with grey mustaches. Suddenly, SpongeGar gets an idea.)

SpongeGar: Aha! Squog! Squog! (Motions towards the stick.) Tooka SpongeGar? Hmm? (Squog nods happily and hits SpongeGar on the head with the stick.) Nah! Nah! Nah!

(He slowly impales one of the plants with the stick. He sniffs it and then eats it. He then begins jumping up and down in delight, hooting. Apparently, it tasted good. Squog watches him. Then, SpongeGar offers the other plant to Squog, who hesitantly takes it and eats it. But he ends up liking it, and hoots and jumps up and down as SpongeGar watches. He and SpongeGar then shake hands.)

Squog: Taila foo, SpongeGar! Taila foo, SpongeGar! not dumbo!

(A speech balloon appears from Squog's mouth with Albert Einstein in it. Later, SpongeGar, Patar, and Squog have a cookout. SpongeGar sticks a marshmallow-like plant through the stick, and roasts it in the fire and eats it. Squog does the same with a piece of coral. Patar toasts a stick and eats it, puncturing his lips.)

SpongeGar: Patar! Uh-uh. Wath SpongeGar!

(Mr. Krabs' ancestor scuttles by.)

Money Krabs: Money! Money! Ooga booga! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Ooga boo... (SpongeGar steps on him, takes Patar’s stick, and impales him. Patar takes the stick, puts it in the fire, and then eats it. The three jump up and down hooting and hollering. The scene freezes)

Narrator: Hooray! It looks like our prehistoric pals have just discovered fire, but they will soon learn that when you play with fire, you may get burned. Stay tuned. (cut back to Patchy, who is laughing hysterically)

Patchy: I told you prehistoric times were fun! Hey! How’s about I teach you kids how a caveman makes a fire with (holds up two sticks) two sticks? (he rubs them together) Yeah… Doesn’t get any cooler than that, huh? Chalk one up for Patchy! (a ‘I’ is chalked up on the wall below a sign reading ‘Prehistory’) Rubbing… (he pants. Nothing is happening, and he eventually gives up) I guess this is a type of wood that doesn’t burn. (a laser shoots through and lights the two sticks on fire, startling Patchy) Potty! (we see Potty with a laser cannon on his back)

Potty: (squawk) Laser technology. Score one for the future. (cut to the digital screen next to the prehistory chalk labeled ‘The Future.’ The score goes from ‘00’ to ‘01’)

Patchy: Well, I have something that you’ll never find in your little (air quotes) future: a real live caveman. Hmm… (the caveman walks in from behind) Hey, there he is! Come on in, little troglodyte fella. Come on… (the caveman is very slowly approaching) You see kids, I found him frozen in a block of ice and then I spent three days thawing him out with my mom’s hair dryer. I call him Cavey. (the caveman approaches the camera, and recoils in horror. Patchy chuckles) Idn’t he something? It’s OK, Cavey. (another ‘I’ is chalked up for ‘Prehistory’)

Potty: That’s nothing, old timer. Make way for the future. (a door swings up and a robot enters the room]

Robot: Greetings. I am the X-29488. How may I serve you? (‘The Future’ score goes from ‘01’ to ‘02’)

Patchy: Where do you keep getting all this stuff?

Potty: Never you mind, pops. Let’s go see what Cavey thinks. (squawks. Cavey slowly approaches the robot, and touches it. The robot’s eyes start flashing red. A siren goes off)

Robot: Attack!!!!!! Attack!!!!! (Cavey starts to run off and the robot gives slow chase, shooting lasers at him. For every shot, ‘The Future’ score keeps going up)

Patchy: Potty!! You’re ruining me caveman show!

Robot: Attack!!!!! Attack!!!!!!!! (the robot continues to shoot lasers. Cut to the exterior, which is rumbling)

Narrator: Will Patchy ever get control of the special? (cut to SpongeGar, mesmerized by the fire) What will SpongeBob do with fire? (cut to the SpongeBob B.C. screen) Stay tuned to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. and find out! (fade to black. Cut

back to Patchy’s cave house, the house still rumbling) Welcome back to SpongeBob SquarePants B.C. Sounds like things have gone from bad to worse for Patchy. Let’s watch. (inside, the robot is still firing lasers, and Cavey throws a giant rock at him. Patchy is huddled behind the couch. Potty watches with a soda and popcorn)

Potty: (squawk) This is great.

Patchy: Ahoy, glad you’re back. (ducks a laser) Let’s watch the rest of SpongeBob B.C. while I get things straightened out around here. Whoa! (he ducks as a giant rock falls on him. He comes up dazed) Or… maybe not. (he collapses. Cut back to the freeze frame of Sponge, Pat, and Squog)

Narrator: When we last saw our hungry troglodytes, they just discovered fire. How long will it take for them to mess it up? Let’s see. (scene continues as SpongeGar, Patar, and Squog continue to jump up and down hooting. They all run off. Sponge impales some long grass, toasts them, and eats them. Squog impales some primitive flowers and leaves, toasts them, and takes a bit out of them. Patar impales his loincloth, toasts that, and eats it. He burps up a charred piece and wipes his mouth with it, and then eats it. The three continue to find things to eat. SpongeGar twirls up some vines on the stick, toasts it, and slurps it up. Squog puts some rocks in a pan, toasts it, and it becomes popcorn. He eats some. Patar lifts up a rock, and a bunch of l Money Krabs, like Mr. Krabs, crawl out. SpongeGar draws a circle in the sand, impales it, and lifts it, revealing a sand Krabby Patty. He toasts it. Cut to the three chewing vigorously. They all continue to eat, and they burp. The three continue to run off, get something, toast it, and eat it. Over and over and over and over…

Eventually, they are on the ground, now much fatter, satisfied. They yawn and get up)

Squog: Ganoga, Patar. Ganoga, SpongeGar.

Patar: Ganoga, Squog. Ganoga, SpongeGar.

SpongeGar: Ganoga, Patar. Ganoga, Squog.

(The three walk back to their houses, but then halt. The three turn and look at the fire. Squog runs over and picks up the fire.)

SpongeGar: No Squog fwee fwee! SpongeGar fwee fwee!

Squog: SpongeGar fagonda!

(SpongeGar shoves Squog. Squog is shocked and sets the log down and shoves him back for revenge. SpongeGar shoves Squog, and Squog whacks him with his club. SpongeGar hits Squog with his own club. The two continue to whack each other with clubs, while Patar retrieves the fire. He hoots excitedly as he runs back to his rock. Patar looks behind him to see if Squog and SpongeGar have caught up, and turns to see SpongeGar and Squog in front of him.)
Both: Patar!

(Patar screams, throwing the log into the air, where it stays. Squog is about to catch it when SpongeGar jumps on Squog’s head and takes it instead.)

Squog: Grrr... (SpongeGar runs off with it, but Patar takes it, then Squog Then, SpongeGar takes Squog mistake and chuckles nervously. Patar takes the log, then Squog again. It is then taken by SpongeGar. He falls into trap Patar made and Patar grabs it instead. He then is scared off by a picture held up by Squog.) DumbO Patar. Fwee fwee Squog! (He picks up the log, runs back to his house and searches for the key in his pocket. He gets it, but then realizes that the log is gone.) Grrr...

(He sees SpongeGar running away with it but he falls victim of another Patar trap and drops the log. Patar grabs it and runs off happily.)

SpongeGar: Patar! Bawana, Patar! Bawana.

Patar: Patar fwee fwee!

(He is tripped by Squog, and the log flies off. Squog chuckles and runs after the log as it rolls away. Patar joins Squogg, all chasing the log again.)

Squog: Fwee fwee Squog! Fwee fwee Squog!

Patar: Patar fwee fwee!

SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!

(The three chase it up a cliff, but it rolls back down and the chases them.)

All: Fwee fwee go bonga!

(The chase is again reversed as the three follow the log. When it stops rolling, they all tug on it.)

SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!

Squog: Squog fwee fwee!

Patar: Patar fwee fwee!

(The fire is suddenly extinguished by more rain)

SpongeGar: Oh, Patar...

Patar: Oh, SpongeGar...

(SpongeGar and Patar cry.)

SpongeGar: Oh, Patar...

Patar: Oh, SpongeGar...

Squog: Sutaka jakasa!!!!!! (He pulls out his club, but is struck by lightning. He falls to the ground, charred.) ...Tabonga do.

(SpongeGar and Patar roast marshmallows over Squog.)

Narrator: Perhaps certain events in history are better left untold (cut back to Patchy, depressed sitting on his front step)

Patchy: Now I know how Squidward feels… (Potty comes in)

Potty: (squawk) Why the long face?

Patchy: I think you know perfectly well, you little winged vermin. All I wanted was to show the nice people how great the cavemen were, but all they got was technology-induced chaos!

Potty: Come back inside. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Patchy: You got rid of the robot android cyborg?!

Potty: Nope, even better. (the two walk inside)

Patchy: (to Potty) Potty, I guess I really misjudged you… (he looks) What the-?!! (Cavey is at a drum set, and the robot is DJ-ing, as strobe lights go off)

Song: "When Worlds Collide"

When worlds collide

Pretty sweet, eh?

When worlds collide
You can run
But no can hide

When worlds collide
You'll laugh so hard
You'll swear you've died

When worlds collide
Hold my hand
I'll be your guide

When worlds collide
Buckle...buckle...buckle up for the sweetest ride
And prepare to have your mind blown wide
When worlds collide

When worlds collide, it's a curious thing
Bet you never heard a robot and a caveman sing
In his metal chest are some working parts
How is that different from my beating heart?

I'm from the future, and I'm from the past
But that don't mean this friendship wasn't built to last
He was made in a lab, and I was born in a cave
So let me hear you holler for this inter-era rave

You, you, you, you can run
But no can hide
When worlds collide

(Patchy shuts his mouth with his hook. The lighting returns to normal)

Patchy: Well Potty, I guess you were right. The future is cool.

Potty: Just to show you there’s no hard feelings, I got you a present from the prehistoric times.

Patchy: Ooh! What is it? A new loincloth?
Potty: No.

Patchy: An enlarged forehead?

Potty: No. (Potty flies off)

Patchy: Aww, what is it? (Potty opens the door, revealing a t-rex, which growls at Patchy. Patchy screams, his eyes bugging out, he runs out, the t-rex giving chase) Potty!!! (he continues screaming as he runs off. Potty watches from the window, with popcorn and a soda)

Potty: [squawk] This is great. (the dinosaur has grabbed Patchy, who screams. Patchy is on his side, his feet inside the t-rex’s jaws)

Patchy: Well, thanks for watching SpongeBob B.C., kids. (waves) Bye! (he continues screaming, then laughing) Now he’s tickling! (he laughs) Cut it out, you rascal! (he continues laughing)

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