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Episode Transcript: Mid-Life Crustacean
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Episode Article: Mid-Life Crustacean
Characters
Dialogue
(Mr. Krabs wakes up in his hammock in his bedroom. The radio clicks on)
Radio DJ: You've got it tuned to K-O-L-D, K-Old, your all-oldies station. Here's a little something you may remember from the good old days. (song plays)
Music: "You're Old"
You're old (you're old...) Groaning like a geezer
(Mr. Krabs opens his eyes, which are crusty)
Hear yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been
(gets out of bed with all his joints cracking when he moves)
Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins
(looking in his bathroom mirror. He pulls down his shirt to show a bunch of chins)
'Cause you're old...
(scene cuts to the kitchen. Mr. Krabs sits down at the table as Pearl comes in)
Pearl: Good morning, Daddy! (gives him a kiss) I made you breakfast.
Mr. Krabs: Thank you, sweet pea. I see you got creative with the bran today. (looks down at the plate to see his bran shaped as bacon, eggs, juice, and others)
Pearl: Open up, it's time for the pill! (Pearl takes out a giant pill)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, barnacles! I hate the pill. (Pearl shoves the giant pill in his mouth and he swallows it) Pearl, do you think I'm...old?
Pearl: Well, of course I do! But that's ok. Daddies are supposed to be old.
Mr. Krabs: But I'm still cool, right? Your old man is cool?
Pearl: See, no one says cool anymore. That's such an old-person thing. Now we say 'coral', as in, 'That nose job is so coral.'
Mr. Krabs: Coral, eh?
Pearl: Eww, when you say it, it sounds so uncoral.
Mr. Krabs: Well, what if I said it with a different inflection? Co-ral.
Pearl: Don't you have to go to work or something, Dad?
Mr. Krabs: Whoop, you're right! (eats his breakfast) Have a coral day, honey!
Pearl: (picks up her phone and dials) Jenny? It's Pearl. "Coral" is definitely out. (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs walking outside)
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Old? What was I thinkin'? I ain't old. Huh? (turns around to see a boy helping him walk across)
Boy Scout: Don't worry, Pops, we're almost across the street.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, get away from me. I don't need no snot-nosed little... (as he walks away, his arm comes off. Walks back to get it) Sorry you had to see that. (keeps walking to work where a fish is walking behind him)
Fish: Come on, move it! Could you be any slower? And you've had your blinker on for the last five blocks. (Mr. Krabs turns around and notices he has two signals on his bottom. What are you, a car? He continues to walk until a ball rolls next to him)
Kid: Hey, mister, could you throw the ball back over here?
Mr. Krabs: (picks up the ball) Hey, how's about I join you kids?
Kid: Uhh, that's okay. You can keep it. Why do old people always have to ruin the fun? (Mr. Krabs drops the ball. He walks up to a line of elderly fish)
Elderly Fish #1: Hey, no cuttin'! You gotta wait your turn like everybody else in line! (Mr. Krabs notices a long line in front of the Bikini Bottom Cemetery)
Mr. Krabs: No! No! I ain't old like you! I ain't old! I ain't old! (runs away)
Elderly Fish #2: What's his problem? (the line is for ice cream)
Lou: Next? (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is sitting a table depressed)
Billy: Mommy, my Krabby Patty tastes funny.
Mother: Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out. Like that man right there. (points to Mr. Krabs) Now put that thing where it belongs... in the garbage. (Billy walks up to the trashcan but Mr. Krabs grabs his patty before he can get there)
Mr. Krabs: Well, little patty, we're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster. (takes a bite out of the patty) Hmmm, so that's what I taste like.
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew! (SpongeBob pokes his head out of the kitchen window)
SpongeBob: (shouts) Hey Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?
Patrick: (shouts) Yeah, it's gonna rock!
SpongeBob: Are you ready to go crazy?
Patrick: I'm already hearing voices!
SpongeBob: Are you ready to--
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!
SpongeBob: Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick. I think some people are eavesdropping!
Patrick: Well, how rude of some people!
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm, those youngsters are going out for a big night on the town. (stretches his eyes into the kitchen where SpongeBob & Patrick are talking)
SpongeBob: Whoo, I've been looking forward to this night all week!
Patrick: Party!
SpongeBob: What do you think we should do first?
Patrick: What shouldn't we do first? We're young, (Mr. Krabs' eyes move a little closer) we've got wheels, (Mr. Krabs' eyes move closer) the world is our oyster! SpongeBob, you got something on your shoulder. (SpongeBob notices Mr. Krabs' eyes are on his shoulders)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys, hangin' out?
Patrick: (looks at his belly) Yes.
Mr. Krabs: I couldn't help overhearing your big plans. And I was wondering if you had room for one more craaaaazy dude tonight, huh?
SpongeBob: Of course. Did you wanna come with us, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hadn't even crossed me mind. But, sure, I'll go!
Patrick: I don't know, SpongeBob. He might cramp our style.
SpongeBob & Patrick: (appears in a picture with a goofy look on them) Style!
Patrick: Let's see if he knows the secret cool-guy handshake. (holds out his hand)
Mr. Krabs: Uhh, yeah, course I know it! (begins to sweat) Uhh... uhh...
Patrick: I'm waiting... old man.
Mr. Krabs: (shakes Patrick's hand) Uhh... how do you do?
Patrick: Fine, and you? All right, you're in. But I'm not happy about it.
SpongeBob: You passed the test, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Great! Why don't you boys show up at my house at eight o'clock?
SpongeBob: I just want to warn you, Mr. Krabs. We're always fashionably late.
Narrator: 8:01 PM. (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' house. The doorbell rings)
SpongeBob: Hey there, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Patrick?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to par- (Pearl runs by them)
Pearl: Stop it, just stop it! You're embarrassing me, Dad!
Mr. Krabs: So, what kind of hot rod will we be cruising in tonight?
SpongeBob: Only the most powerful chick magnet in town. The Underwater Heartbreaker. (we see a bike with two streamers on each handle)
Mr. Krabs: It's more like a chick repellent. And there's only two seats!
SpongeBob: Calm your waters, Mr. Krabs. I modified this little baby myself. (scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick riding at the front of the bike while Mr. Krabs is in a wagon behind them)
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure this is what the kids are driving these days?
SpongeBob: Only the cool kids. (a hot rod, driven by a young teen, pulls up beside them)
Driver: Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Drive is around the corner!
SpongeBob: We're not lost, I've got my compass. (shows him the compass)
Driver: So long, dorks! (speeds away)
SpongeBob: Goodbye, pals!
Mr. Krabs: We used to beat people up for saying things like that! Everything's all topsy-turvy now! (they pull up to 'The Wash')
SpongeBob: Here we are: The Wash.
Mr. Krabs: They sure are giving these clubs some crazy names! I have to tell you boys... I'm a little nervous. I haven't been, you know, on the scene for quite a while now.
SpongeBob: Just follow our lead, Mr. Krabs. And, above all, keep it cool.
Mr. Krabs: Cool. Gotcha. (SpongeBob and Patrick walk away jumping up and down in a goofy way. Mr. Krabs does the same)
SpongeBob: (opens door) Hello, gang! SpongeBob’s back!
Patrick: Let's party!
Mr. Krabs: Any port in a sto--! wait a minute. This is a laundromat. (scene shows the entire room is a place to do your laundry)
SpongeBob & Patrick: (all three looking at their reflections in the washer) Oh yeah, whoo! That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah! Yeah, the colors! whoo! (washer stops)
SpongeBob: You guys want another rinse cycle? I'm buying.
Mr. Krabs: You know, I love staring at delicates as much as the next guy, but it's just that I thought we'd see more of the nightlife. Something that'll give you that wild and crazy hot-blooded feeling, if you know what I mean.
SpongeBob: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is only stop numero uno on our night of debauchery!
Patrick: Debauchery!
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery! (scene cuts to the road where all three are picking up trash) Debauchery? I never thought of picking up trash under the highway as hot-blooded, but if it's what the kids are into...
SpongeBob: So, are you feeling that wild and crazy feeling, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Not yet.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, you will. (scene cuts to all three in a kiddie swimming pool) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm feeling a warm spot.
Patrick: Sorry. (scene cuts to them riding kiddie rides outside Barg'n Mart)
SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it?
Patrick: I'm feeling it, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a ride! (Patrick is riding on a fish's back)
Fish: Get off of me! (scene cuts to them getting their teeth pulled)
SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene cuts to them redoing a roof) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene cuts to them dressed in fantasy costumes) Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene cuts to the library) Can you feel it now, Mr. Krabs?
Librarian: Shh! (scene cuts to an area for kids to play in)
SpongeBob: How about now? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? (kids in the room around running around Mr. Krabs, hanging on his hat streamers. Mr. Krabs has clown make-up on his face)
Kids: Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: So, you wanna know if I can feel it?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Do you really wanna know if I can feel it?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Yeah, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Because I can feel it. You wanna know what I'm feelin'?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Yes!
Mr. Krabs: (angry) I'm feelin' like a total barnacle head! (swings the screaming kids around and around then off his hat) You think this is cool? (jumps on a bunny and punches its head off) How about this! (jumps on top of the bunny) And this? Am I with it now? (runs up to SpongeBob and Patrick) You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the end! I'm going home. You guys ain't cool. You're lame.
SpongeBob: (depressed) Lame?
Mr. Krabs: Lame! You're nerds! Geeks! Creeps! And babies!
SpongeBob & Patrick: Not babies! (both suck their thumbs)
Mr. Krabs: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to you!
Patrick: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: The what?
Patrick: I said, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? Girl girls?
Patrick: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: And you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right?
Patrick: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two being lame!
SpongeBob & Patrick: (happy) We're not lame! (scene cuts to the three of them carrying a ladder)
Mr. Krabs: Now this is more like it! (lean the ladder against a house)
Patrick: Give us some credit, old man. We're panty professionals! (climbs the ladder)
SpongeBob: We score here all the time. (all three tiptoe into a bedroom. Mr. Krabs opens a drawer and takes out a pair of panties)
Mr. Krabs: Frilly things! We hit the jackpot! (everyone jumps up and down)
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: (Laughs excitedly)
Mr. Krabs: (holds up the pair of underwear he got) Woohoo! You finally came through for me, boys! I feel young again! (light turns on)
Mama Krabs: Eugene?
Mr. Krabs: Mother?
Mama Krabs: What are you doing with my bloomers?!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I, uhh, uhh, heh, hehe... (turns around to SpongeBob and Patrick) Why didn't you tell me this was my mother's house?!
SpongeBob: Why didn't you ask? (both run away. Mr. Krabs turns around to his mother smiling with her angry and disappointed)
Mr. Krabs: But it was all SpongeBob and Patrick's idea!
Mama Krabs: Go to your room, mister! You're grounded for the rest of the night!
Mr. Krabs: (walks away) Yes, Mommy. (boy scout from earlier is walking with Mr. Krabs)
Boy Scout: Don't worry, Pops. We're almost to your room. (Mr. Krabs groans. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' his childhood bedroom. SpongeBob peeks through the window)
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) That's all right, lad. I certainly feel younger. (scene zooms out revealing Mr. Krabs is sitting in his childhood racecar-shaped bed)
SpongeBob: Good night, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Good night, SpongeBob. (SpongeBob starts going home)
Mama Krabs: (mad) Eugene, lights out!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy! (light turns off)
