Episode Transcript: The Krusty Sponge

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Episode Article: The Krusty Sponge

Characters

Dialogue

Squidward: Ok, and would you like any fries with that? Fish: (turns around to the people behind him) Hey, if I get some Kelp Fries, will you guys share them with me?

Fish #2: Do we know you?

Fish: (turns back around to Squidward) Two orders of fries, please.

Squidward: And two orders of...

Fish: I only said one order.

Squidward: I thought you said "two".

Fish: Ok, I'll have two.

Squidward: SpongeBob, order up. (puts ticket inside the kitchen window, which is full of other order tickets. Squidward sighs) Welcome to the Krusty... (all the orders from the window shoot out. Squidward goes into the kitchen) SpongeBob, what in Neptune's... (SpongeBob’s body is stiff) SpongeBob? (SpongeBob’s hat falls over. Squidward touches his spatula) Well, his spatula's still warm. (pokes his eye) Well, SpongeBob, I must admit this is strange behavior...even for you.

Mr. Krabs: (enters kitchen) Ahoy, Squidward. (notices SpongeBob) Good Neptune. SpongeBob, what's happened to you, son?

Squidward: I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.

Mr. Krabs: No, Squidward, this is worse. He's got the thousand-yard stare. I had it once me-self, back in me service days. (shakes SpongeBob) What is it, lad? Quick, we're losin' money. It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he's circled today's date. (reads date) "Important Food Critic Visits Krusty Krab."

Squidward: That's what's causing all this? Only a complete moron would worry about what some critic has to say. (both Mr Krabs and SpongeBob are quivering. At the Krusty Krab doors, a round, purple fish with an afro, a mustache, and glasses enters. He sniffs the air in the Krusty Krab) Hey, in or out, mister. You're letting out the A.C. (fish stares at Squidward) Weirdo.

Mr. Krabs: Why hello. You're the television food critic Gene Scallop, aren't ya? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Eugene Krabs, owner and proprietor of this fine... (Gene Scallop walks away)

Squidward: Well, do you wanna order something or do you just wanna block my reading light?

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you just drove away Gene Scallop. Don't you know our lives depend on his review?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, the only thing my life depends on is going home at 6:00. (Mr. Krabs walks over to Gene Scallop)

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Scallop, wait, please. Before you go, come on, sit down. Try one of our delicious Krabby Patties. They're... (spits while trying to say something) ...Complimentary. (cut to SpongeBob squirting mustard on Mr. Scallop's patty then putting on the bun) Ok, SpongeBob, that'll be all. (SpongeBob lifts up his hat then puts it back down and leaves) He's nobody. (Gene takes the krabby patty and eats it then leaves without saying a word) We're doomed! (cut to news on TV)

Lady Anchor: And there were no survivors.

Man Anchor: Thank you, Barbara.

Squidward: She is so tacky.

Man Anchor: And now it's time for "Bottom Feeding" with Gene Scallop.

Mr. Krabs: Turn it up, Squidward. (does so)

Gene Scallop: Thank you, Bob. This week, I visited...

Man Anchor: You're welcome, Gene.

(brief pause)

Gene Scallop: (clears throat) This week I reviewed the Krusty Krab restaurant, the local burger joint that's second to none. Or should I say second to "run" since this critic wanted to make like a banana and peel out the minute he saw how drab this Krab really was.

Barbara: That bad, huh, Gene?

Gene Scallop: Barbara, once I stuck my beak through that door, my appetite flew south for the winter. I mean, I'm not "kidding" when I saw this restaurant smells like a goats ass. (customers smell the aroma)

Bob: And how was the service, Gene?

Gene: You could find livelier help in a graveyard and I'm not just "coffin." (two customers are whispering to each other) The management sucked so bad, that I had to get my sweater dry cleaned on the way home with me in it. (customer start murmuring and walking out)

Mr. Krabs: Hey, no, wait, wait!

Gene: However, at the end of my visit, I chowed down on a meal that titillated my taste buds and gratified my gullet. That Sponge behind the grill is no square when it comes to cooking! (excited talking as the customers rush to sit down at their tables ready for some food) If Krabs really wanted to soak up the dough, he's Sponge it up. He's Sponge it out, he's over-Sponge it. You can never have too much Sponge. (Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Well, back to work.

Mr. Krabs: Ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... That's me boy, SpongeBob. That's me boy. (SpongeBob walks into the kitchen as a dollar sign while register dings keep sounding. Cut to a line of fish lined up outside the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: La, la, la, la, la, la! Wow. (Mr. Krabs is working on putting a new sign called "The Krusty Sponge")

Mar Krabs: Ok, a little lower, lower...that's perfect.

SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. What's with the sign?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, just making a few cosmetic changes.

SpongeBob: Oh. You mean like when Squidward got that mole taken of his...

Mr. Krabs: Umm... yeah, a little like that. (cut to inside the Krusty Sponge where SpongeBob walks past Squidward, who is dressed in a SpongeBob outfit with a sign behind saying "As Seen On TV")

SpongeBob: Morning, Squidward. Ooh! Squidward, where did you find those shoes? (Squidward hisses at SpongeBob)

Fish #3: Hey, it's him! (walks up to Squidward) Mar SquarePants, can I have an autograph?

Squidward: No.

Fish #3: But, why?

Squidward: Well, the first reason is, I have no use of my arms, see? (shakes his arms but accidentally hits the boy)

Fish #3: Hey!

Mr. Krabs: Hey, what's going on over here?

Fish #3: He hit me... just 'cause I wanted his autograph.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward! I'm sorry, little girl. Of course you can have his autograph...for five bucks.

Fish #3: What a rip. (walks off)

Mr. Krabs: Look at these, Squidward! (holds up napkins that has SpongeBob’s face on it)

Squidward: Looks like some horrific shroud.

Mr. Krabs: They're our new Krusty Sponge napkins! Extra absorbent.

Squidward: You really need to see a doctor.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, that reminds me, Squidward. I need you to unpack these boxes. (points to a stack of boxes that says "KK" on them)

Squidward: What's in them?

Mr. Krabs: (takes out a couple bottles that have SpongeBob’s face in the middle and red tops) Condiments. We got "Tangy Spongy Sauce" and "Mild Bobby Sauce" for the not-so-daring.

Squidward: Oh, clever. (SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs)

SpongeBob: Captain! My spatula's missing, sir!

Mr. Krabs: I got it right here. Here you go, Squidward. (sticks it into the Squidward's costume's forehead) You're on grill duty now.

Squidward: But that's SpongeBob’s job!

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, Squidward. I got something else lined up for him. (cut to SpongeBob as the engineer in the train that is going around the Krusty Krab) Step right up, folks! Take a ride on the Krusty Sponge Fun Train. Tickets are only $1.99. Seat belts not included. (everyone cheers. Cut to the kitchen, where Squidward is looking at the spatula that is on the grill) Squidward: Ok, how am I going do this now? Umm... (grunts while trying to get the spatula. Hits it with one of the costume arms and hits himself in the forehead sending him back into pots and pans) Mommy, is that you? (outside, SpongeBob is tired riding the train)

SpongeBob: Ok, Mr. Krabs. I really think I should be getting back to the grill, now.

Mr. Krabs: Are you kidding, lad? Just look at these paying customers! (uses the megaphone) Who's ready for another lap? (everyone cheers) Keep on truckin', SpongeBob. I've got some important business to see to in me office. (cut to Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, entering Mr. Krabs' office)

Squidward: Mr. Krabs? Uh, this is a bad time, isn't it? (Mr. Krabs is bathing in his money)

Mr. Krabs: No.

Squidward: Well, there are some men out back with a delivery and want you to sign.

Mr. Krabs: Ok. Tell them I'll be right out.

Squidward: Got it. (as he turns around, he hits his head on the top of the door entrance) Ow. (mutters)

Mr. Krabs: And let's watch the language, Squidward. (cut to Mr. Krabs signing for the packages)

Mr. Krabs: My pleasure.

Squidward: What the heck is this stuff?

Mr. Krabs: I'm glad you asked. We got SpongeBob drinking straws... (a green straw with SpongeBob in the middle) coasters, (holds up two coasters with SpongeBob faces on them) bibs... (holds up 2 SpongeBob bibs that say "I Soiled Myself at the Krusty Sponge") And my personal favorite, SpongeBob ice cubes! Aww.

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, SpongeBob. I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me. (walks away. Cut to Squidward flipping a patty and laughing) Whoops! (sets three boxes down on the floor) There you go, Squidward.

Squidward: Now what?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, you're gonna love this. Spongy Patties. (shows a yellow patty with holes in it)

Squidward: Spongy patties?

Mr. Krabs: Yeah. I want you to start using 'em. (tosses one on the grill)

Squidward: Where'd you get them?

Mr. Krabs: They were just the boxes of patties we didn't have room for in the freezer. They turned yellow. Gotta keep those SpongeBob ice cubes somewhere, you know.

Squidward: You actually expect people to pay $1.98 for a rotten patty?

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're right! All this instant success must be scrambling my brains! We'll make it $2.98! (shuts the kitchen door. Cut to SpongeBob blowing the horn on the Fun Train but really tired)

SpongeBob: All aboard.

Fish #4: Hey, we didn't paid $3.00 just to watch you take a nap.

Fish #5: That's the worst SpongeBob costume I've ever seen.

All: (chanting) Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride! (SpongeBob sneaks away and takes the statue of himself and puts it in his seat of the Fun Train then squeezes through the doors of the Krusty Krab) SpongeBob: Oh, boy. What a day. What's next? A zombie invasion? (screams after seeing yellow spotted fish walking around like zombies) Mr Krabs, open up! We're being attacked by a bunch of zombies that look like me.

Mr. Krabs: Uh, go away, please, I'm busy.

SpongeBob: Please, you don't understand! They're all splotchy and yellow with distended bellies. (screams as the zombies walk towards him) Open up, open up, open up, open up. (bangs on the door hard enough to where it collapses on the floor)

Mr. Krabs: Who? (Mr. Krabs is dresses in a nice shirt with the money in the chair across from him)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob... (gasps) Great Neptune's mother's stockings! Zombies... they're here to eat me money. (tries to go back into his office but SpongeBob grabs him)

SpongeBob: Wait! They're not zombies, Mr. Krabs. They're your customers... look. (two fish are sitting at the table. One is yellow spotted and the other one is normal looking)

Fish #6: Ohh... I ate this yellow Krabby Patty and now I feel sick.

Fish #7: Krabby Patty? (takes a bite and spits it out then walks up to Mr. Krabs) Man, you've got some serious problems. If you're trying to pass that off as a Krabby Patty...

Mr. Krabs: It's a... it's a Spongy Patty. (fish turns yellow and spotted)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what have you done? You poisoned all these people.

Mr. Krabs: No! But... I just-just... I can explain, I... (Mr. Krabs looks down at his wrists because they are in handcuffs)

Mr. Krabs: What the...?

Fish #8: (shows his police badge) Tell it to the judge, Krabs. (cut to the courtroom)

Guard: Calling the courtroom to attention in the case "People of Bikini Bottom vs. Mr. Krabs". The honorable judge Horace A. Whopper presiding.

Horace: Ahem. Has the jury reached a verdict? (jury is all yellow spotted. Gene Scallop stands up and is spotted, too)

Gene Scallop: We have, your honor. We find the defendant, Eugene A. Krabs, guilty of all charges.

Horace: Very well. Does the defendant have anything to say before we send him down the river?

Mar Krabs: No, your honor.

Horace: Very well. (bangs the SpongeBob gavel down. When he does, it whines)

Mr. Krabs: Eh, hang on a second, there, judge. That wouldn't happen to be a SpongeBob gavel you're using?

Horace: Oh, why, yes. It's my prized possession. I am a huge SpongeBob fan.

Mr. Krabs: Permission to approach the bench, your honor! (cut to a patty being flipped on the grill)

SpongeBob: Sure is good to be back behind the grill where I belong, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: It's good to have you back, boy. Let's see how Squidward's enjoying his new position. (outside, Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, is giving the judge a ride on the Fun Train. The judge has a whip in his hand) Take him around as many times as you like.

Horace: I just might have to take you up on that. (winks and cracks his whip so Squidward goes faster)

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) I love a happy ending.

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