Episode Transcript: Shanghaied

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Episode Article: Shanghaied

Characters

Dialogue

(pan over live-action houses)

Narrator: And now, it's time for Patchy's Pick. (The name "Patchy's Pick" appears. The exterior of Patchy's house is shown) Hosted by: SpongeBob's number one fan, Patchy the Pirate!

Patchy: Ahoy, fanofanatics! Welcome to Patchy's Pick! I got a little treat for you. We're gonna see me favorite show Shanghaied! Ta-ta-ta!

(Cuts to Potty, a puppet bird)

Potty: Boring!

Patchy: Well, If it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hi to the nice people!

Potty: Squawk! I'm being held here against my will! Help!

Patchy: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Were'd you go? Potty, are you in here, buddy? Potty? Potty?

[Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]

Potty: [laughs and squawking] Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Well, Roll the cartoon!

The story

SpongeBob: (eating Kelp-O cereal) Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! (checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house)

SpongeBob: Holy Shrimp! (runs out to Squidward) Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! (Squidward pokes his head through his window) Squidward! The sky had a baby!

Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! (Patrick comes over)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!

SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?

Patrick: How about....

Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! (anchor crashes into Squidward’s house) Now look what you've done!

SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! (SpongeBob & Patrick show their spotless hands)

Patrick: Clean....

Squidward: (on top of his house) Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.

SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? (Squidward starts to climb rope)

SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!

Patrick: Squidward! (SpongeBob & Patrick start climbing rope also)

Narrator: A few inches later...

SpongeBob: (points up) Ship!

Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?

SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!

Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.

Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.

SpongeBob: Squid, wait! (all 3 reach the top)

Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? (notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it) Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! (SpongeBob looks around the ship)

SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?

Patrick: I don't know. Why?

SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? (Squidward rings the doorbell)

Patrick: Yes!

SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. (SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "property of the flying Dutchman")

Flying Dutchman: Rawr!!

SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"

Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!

SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!

Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?

SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. (Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward)

Squidward: I....no, I don't.

SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?

Squidward: I never said that.

Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother.

SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship.

Flying Dutchman: (shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward)

Squidward: Ahh! Ow.

Flying Dutchman: (looks over to SpongeBob & Patrick) You're next!

SpongeBob and Patrick: (jumps off the ship) That was a close one! (land back on the ship)

Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!

SpongeBob: (jumps off the ship) That was a closer one! (land back on the ship)

Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! (SpongeBob & Patrick jump off the ship)

Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's.... (Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob & Patrick land back on the ship)

Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?

Patrick: Probably. (Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward)

Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?

Patrick: Uhh...

Mr. Krabs: Out of Corner not whew went Squidward

Squidward: (covers Patrick's mouth with tentacle) No, no, they're not. Whew. (Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward)

Flying Dutchman: Now listen. (takes out a "Ghost Rule Book") Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! (closes rule book) And, uhh (opens rule book), ever. (closes rule book)

Squidward: Will we be getting business cards? (Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward)

Flying Dutchman: Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind- numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.

Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! (shows a green jockstrap) Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... (Dutchman picks up Squidward) Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... (Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air) Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? (Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly Of Despair)

Flying Dutchman: (closes Fly of Despair) Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?

SpongeBob: No! We know our place now, Mr. Dutchman.

Patrick: We'll do anything you say!

Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! (hands them a broom and a bucket)

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!

Patrick: And I got this hat!

Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!

SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...

Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.

SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!

Patrick: I don't get it.

SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...

Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.

SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?

Flying Dutchman: Get moving! (SpongeBob & Patrick start mopping)

Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! (howls like a wolf)

SpongeBob: Ahh!

Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!

Flying Dutchman: (howls like a wolf)

SpongeBob: Ahh!

Patrick: Leedle-eedle-eedle-lee! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! (Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off) Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!

Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!

SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. (spins telescope on ground) Captain, there's a guy we can scare. (telescope points to a big tough guy then Flying Dutchman blows on the telescope spinning it a little to land on a little kid)

Billy: I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.

Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.

Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! (ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea)

SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.

Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. (Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a rock)

Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! (points to SpongeBob & Patrick who just get confused)

SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.

Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! (SpongeBob & Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers)

Patrick: How does he do that?

Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.

SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery.

Billy: Those guys are dorks.

Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. (goes back to showing SpongeBob & Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship)

SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. (Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob & Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked)

SpongeBob: You're good.. You're good. You're good. (Flying Dutchman scares another citizen while SpongeBob & Patrick figure- skate in purple tights)

(back on the ship)

SpongeBob: Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?

Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!

SpongeBob: Like movie passes?

Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! (both start bouncing insanely)

Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! (both stop) This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.

SpongeBob: You're setting us free?

Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! (SpongeBob & Patrick scream)

Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!

SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?

Patrick: Let's leave!

SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the....perfume department. (points to a room full of perfume and customers)

Patrick: Let's do it. (they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume)
SpongeBob: I always hate going in there!

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: (hears something strange) Wait! Listen! (Flying Dutchman is in his room)

Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... (notices sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob & Patrick) Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!

SpongeBob: Never!

Flying Dutchman: Ok, then... (tries to zap SpongeBob but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection) Give it to me! SpongeBob: No!

Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!

Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impass.

Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you....three wishes.

Patrick: Make it five.

Flying Dutchman: Four.

Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.

Flying Dutchman: Ok...uhh, three. You get three wishes.

SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?

Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! (clock goes backwards one minute)

Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left.

SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! (falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed)

Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! (re-appears on the ship)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward! You're back!

SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I just used the second one.

Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!

Patrick: Wait, I think it belongs to me! (everyone starts to argue)

Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. (uses the eeny-meenie-minie-mo method) Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... (original airing had kids choose which ending they wanted. SpongeBob won first and then they showed the other 2 endings)

Patrick's ending

Flying Dutchman: (finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo) You are it! (stops on Patrick)

SpongeBob: That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.

Patrick: Uhh...

Squidward: Wait, Patrick, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time, understand?!

SpongeBob: Patrick, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.

Patrick: Uhh...

SpongeBob: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!

Patrick: Uhh... (shown Patrick’s brain which is really a toaster) Okay! I've got it.

Flying Dutchman: Thou wish is granted.

Patrick: (chewing on gum) Oh, I'm sorry. Want some gum?

Squidward: You wished for gum?

Patrick: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath! (each take a piece of gum. Later, we see Flying Dutchman with a big belly)

SpongeBob: Come on mister, let us out! Don't be so mean! Don't be so fatty!

Patrick: Aaaah! Let us out!

Flying Dutchman: Ahh. Minty.

Squidward's ending

Flying Dutchman: (finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo) You are it! (stops on Squidward)

SpongeBob: Squidward, you get a wish! A great big wish!

Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?

Patrick: No.

Squidward: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!

Flying Dutchman: So be it.

SpongeBob: Hi there, I don't believe we've met. My name is SpongeBob, and this is my associate Patrick.

Patrick: Hi.

Squidward: That's not what I meant!

Flying Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner! (Flying Dutchman appears with a big belly)

SpongeBob: (inside the Flying Dutchman's belly) And what did you say your name was?

Squidward: (also inside the Flying Dutchman's belly) I'm Squidward. I'm your neighbor.

SpongeBob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-ward. (tries to pronounce it right) We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. (laughs)

SpongeBob's ending

Flying Dutchman: (finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo) You are it! (stops on SpongeBob)

Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to cook and eat us because....I wish that the Dutchman was a vegetarian! (Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads)

SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!

SpongeBob: We're home!

Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!

Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? (their bodies have been turned into fruits and they gasp as they realize they are in a blender)

Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish too. Fruit prevents scurvy! (whistles(SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward scream in fear and bounce away in the blender) Hey, get back here with that! (Flying Dutchman chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed volkswagen with a main mast)

Main ending

Patchy: Ahoy, children! I'm back! I hope you all enjoyed the show because it's time for you to walk the plank! (Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY) Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time for fan mail! (blows horn)
Kids: (off-screen) Hooray!
Patchy: Now, blow milk out of your nose because we're gonna open a letter! Thank you, my precious potty.
Potty: Brawk, you're not welcome.
Patchy: Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! (Potty blows up along with Patchy; Patchy coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast)
Patchy: Well, that's it for Patchy's Pick. Hooray! (Potty collapses to the floor) to see more go to[http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Shanghaied_(transcript)

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