Episode Transcript: Wet Painters

Revision as of 07:24, 10 May 2017

Episode Article: Wet Painters

Characters

• SpongeBob
• Patrick
• Mr. Krabs
• Squidward (cameo)

Dialogue

French Narrator: A slow day at The Krusty Krab.

Spongebob: Hey, Squidward, check this out. (holds up a raw patty in each hand) Two ordinary Krabby Patties, but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... (throws them on the floor and SpongeBob slides the patties across the room, Patrick jumps out of nowhere with his feet landing on the patties)

Patrick: A one-way ticket to PAIN...! (slams into the wall)

(Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office. Window falls on ground from Patrick's crash and glass breaks)

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

(Cut back to outside the office. Spongebob is in Patrick's mouth with a mop in hand while Patrick slides offscreen to the left)

Spongebob: Heave-ho! (crashes)

(Office door slams open, Mr. Krabs storms out)

Mr. Krabs: What the devil fish is going on out here? Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And that's just sick.

Spongebob: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.

Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that?

(Cut to Squidward at the register with a magazine in his hands)

Squidward: (with a suspicious grin) Uhhhhh...

(Cut back to Spongbob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: Listen, instead of killing yourselves, I’ve got something real important for you to do for me.

(scene cuts to outside Mr. Krabs' home, Mr. Krabs talking to Spongebob and Patrick)

Mr. Krabs: Now, are you men ready for your super...

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get wide) Super.

Mr. Krabs: Special?

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get bigger and lips tremble) Special.

Mr. Krabs: (whispering) Secret?

Spongebob & Patrick: (faces are small as they whisper) Secret.

Mr. Krabs: Assignment?

Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get crazy-like and sobbing while shouting incoherently)

Mr. Krabs: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! (opens Mr. Krabs' front door, showing inside)

SpongeBob & Patrick: (Jumping into the air) Yay!

Mr. Krabs: (Charges them from the right, in a stern tone) But, let me give you two a warning. (Holds up two buckets of paint) This here paint is absolutely permanent. (shoves paint buckets into Spongebob and Patrick's hands) It will never come off. (Angrily) So if I see even ONE drop on ANYTHING but wall, (Screams) I'll have your asses cut off... (holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it) ...and MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE! (Spongebob and Patrick backstep behind the open door, Mr. Krabs' tone becomes friendlier") So, have fun with the job. (slams the door with the two inside the house)

(Cut to inside the house, Spongebob and Patrick turn around and look inside)

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

(Cut to a view of the inside of the room, with many objects clattered around the room)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. (Puts his paint bucket down) Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?

Patrick: (Points at Spongebob) No way, SpongeBob. We’re not getting paid to move stuff.

SpongeBob: Patrick, we’re not getting paid at all.

Patrick: Well, that’s what I said! We’re not getting paid and that’s final.

SpongeBob: Okay, we’ll just paint around all this stuff.

Patrick: Good, just don’t pay me.

SpongeBob: First we need to set out the tarp. [pulls out a tarp]

Patrick: [grabs the other end of the tarp] Tarp ahoy! [SpongeBob and Patrick spread the tarp on the floor. The camera zooms out, showing that it is a tiny piece.]

SpongeBob: We’re gonna need more coverage, Patrick. [scene cuts to more tarp on the floor, with the paint buckets where the first piece of tarp was] Now that's what I’m talking about! [nervous tone] Well, I guess we should open these cans of permanent paint now.

Patrick: That will never, ever come off.

SpongeBob: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Krabs will cut our butts off.

Patrick: And mount them on the wall. [SpongeBob takes a screwdriver and tries to open the lid by moving the screwdriver back and forth] Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob. SpongeBob, careful. Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob! Careful, SpongeBob! CAREFUL, SPONGEBOB!!!!!

SpongeBob: Patrick, the lid’s already off.

Patrick: Oh. [happily] Now it’s my turn. [takes out a giant battleaxe and hits the paint can with it. SpongeBob hurriedly grabs the can.]

SpongeBob: [nervously] I'm thinking I should do this one too, Patrick.

[He carefully opens the lid with same screwdriver as before. The lid opens, and a blob of paint jumps out. Spongebob and Patrick scream. The blob bounces off a piece of tarp. Spongebob and Patrick scream louder. The blob bounces off eight pieces of tarp, then lands back into the can.]

Patrick: Well, that was a rip-off.

SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick. [holds up a large brush] Let’s get our brushes ready. [SpongeBob looks at the brush he's holding and starts sweating.] Uh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the brush offscreen. He gets a smaller paintbrush and pulls a hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same, and pulls it out with a huge mass of nosehair. Spongebob dips tip of his paintbrush into his paint can and walks to a wall] Alright, Patrick, gotta get started, [the camera zooms out to a huge, decorated wall] painting this wall [the camera zooms in to SpongeBob's face in front of the paintbrush.] with the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything [the camera zooms back out to the decorated wall] but the wall. [starts sweating] Well, here we go.

[Cut to a timecard that says "One Hour Later".]

Narrator: One hour later.

SpongeBob: [looking exactly the same as the previous scene] Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I’ll be painting this wall.

[Cut to a timecard that says "Two Hours Later".]

Narrator: Two hours later.

SpongeBob: [still standing in the same spot, but with a puddle of sweat under his feet] I’m getting to the painting.

[Cut to a timecard that says "Three Hours Later".]

Narrator: Three hours later.

[The camera zooms out to reveal Patrick holding the timecard. Patrick is also sweating.]

Patrick: [to SpongeBob] Can you move it along? I’m all out of time cards.

SpongeBob: [still the same, but the puddle of sweat is bigger now] No problem. Here I go. [Zooms in to a space in the wall. Spongebob makes a vertical line of paint. He pulls the brush back and smiles gleefully. The paint then starts going down the wall.] Huh? (blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a blowdryer and the paint glides off the wall in a bubble) Yeah. [notices the big semen bubble.] Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?

Patrick: Oh, I know... [takes a bubble wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble) TWO giant cum bubbles!

SpongeBob: No!! [the two bubbles merge] Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I don’t think this bubble can get much bigger.

Patrick: [with a bicycle pump into the bubble] [stupidly] Nonsense! (blows up the bubble even bigger)

SpongeBob: PAT, NO!!!! (the bubble explodes. Semen splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall in the form of how he was standing) We did it! We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of semen on anything but the... (shrieks) HOLY SH*T, WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT!?!?!??! [dramatic zoom and music to a dollar on the wall which has a dot of semen on it. SpongeBob’s eyes shatter like eggs and the insides drip on the floor. Spongebob then falls to the floor) We’re dead, Patrick. Do you know what that is?

Patrick: [stupidly] Hmmm...it’s a dollar. I win!

SpongeBob: That’s not just a dollar. It’s Mr. Krabs' first dollar! His most prized possession! AND WE GOT F*CKING SEMEN ON IT!

Patrick: I think you are overreacting SpongeBob, I don’t see any cum.

SpongeBob: [takes the dollar of the wall] Okay, this isn’t a problem. Maybe I can just wipe it off. [tries to wipe the semen off with his tie but makes the semen even more noticeable with a huge diagonal slash along it.] There, I think I got it. (wipes it more but it gets worse, the semen covering the whole dollar. SpongeBob shrieks.]

Patrick: [pointing to the dollar with both hands] Oh, now I see it.

SpongeBob: This is not good, Patrick! This is not good! Mr. Krabs is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we did to his first dollar... [scene cuts to a fantasy of SpongeBob and Patrick's butts on the wall above the fireplace while Mr. Krabs is enjoying some tea by the fire.]

[Back in reality, SpongeBob and Patrick grab their butts and scream.]

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, all we got to do is wash the semen off and Krabs will never know!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...

Patrick: [plugs SpongeBob's mouth] Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something! (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine)

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with semen on it, and bra on his head, in his hands)

Patrick: No. [scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand]

SpongeBob: Did it work? [Patrick’s hands are gone]

Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose in a fire hydrant, Patrick screaming off-screen)

SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, but place where dollar and hands were had no hole)

Patrick: Nope. [scene cuts to SpongeBob banging the dollar Patrick is holding with a bat, while Patrick is wearing a neck brace, in a room with a lot of violent tools]

SpongeBob: Nothing’s working!

Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, we’re not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology. [picks up the computer and bangs it on the dollar six times. The camera zooms in on the dollar, all wrinkled.]

SpongeBob: It didn’t work.

Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs’ fault! If he hadn’t have hung that stupid dollar in the first place...I mean, it’s not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And w-

SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick, take out your wallet.

Patrick: (scoffs and looks for a dollar) I don’t see where you’re going with this.(notices dollar) Hey, a dollar!

SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to...Patrick, no! (Patrick puts his dollar in a vending machine) Patrick! No...why did you put it... (the dollar comes out) AAH! Grab it, Pat, grab it! Hurry, hurry! (Patrick pushes it back in) Aww, Pat, no, no! (dollar comes out again) Get it, Pat, get it, get it! (Spongebob starts stammering, Patrick slams it back in again using both hands flat up against the machine) No-o-o-o-o-ooo! (Patrick walks up with the chocolate bar he got to SpongeBob)

Patrick: Wanna bite?

SpongeBob: Okay, okay, we still got time! [looks in a mirror] Don’t panic, SpongeBob. Panic is the enemy. You are strong. Through your strength, you shall overcome. [Mr. Krabs is heard humming "Blow The Man" outside the house]

Mirror SpongeBob: You’re on your own, pal. [walks away]

SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Hurry Patrick, put Mr. Krabs' dollar back on the wall! I've got an idea. [Mr. Krabs enters his house. All the lights are off.]

Mr. Krabs: What the--?

SpongeBob: [nervous] We’re all done, sir. Everything looks great.

Patrick: [also nervous] Yeah, you don’t have to look around. We already did that for you. [Mr. Krabs turns the lights on. SpongeBob and Patrick are grinning nervously.]

Mr. Krabs: You both look like you got a dirty little secret. (Spongebob and Patrick stare) Ha! I’m kidding. Let’s see how you did. Oh, not bad, boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, no bubbles.

SpongeBob: Yeah, looks great, Mr. Krabs. We’ll just be going.

Mr. Krabs: (Shouting) Flippin' fish fossils! Look what you did!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh, Mr. Krabs, we're so sorry! Please! Don't de butt me! Don't de butt me!

Mr. Krabs: Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. (Shouting again) Great Barrier Reef! What’s this?

SpongeBob & Patrick: Mr. Krabs, it's not our fault! We didn't do it on purpose! Accident, accident, accident!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. (wall is decorated with tiny ships) That’s what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jam! You messed up my dollar... (runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly, with one of them tilted slightly to the left) ...rama! All the dolls in this doll-a-rama were perfectly aligned!(straightens one of the dolls to an upright position)

Doll: Mama.

Mr. Krabs: And you boys thought I wouldn’t notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right boys, you’re free to go. [runs into a long pile of paintings on the wall] Ow! That’s funny, I don’t remember a stack of paintings jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don’t remember this painting at all. [takes a painting of a clown crying off the wall, showing one of a car race] Or this one. [takes it off, showing a painting of abstract art. Spongebob and Patrick are trembling.] Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. [takes a painting of a banana off, showing a painting of the pirate from the opening sequence] Or this one. [takes it off. SpongeBob is behind the painting he just took off. He is hanging by a rope on a nail.

SpongeBob: [nervously] Hi, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around.

Patrick: [gives a thumbs down] Boo.

Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy. [SpongeBob stretches his body to the floor] All right, now you’re just being silly. [takes SpongeBob off the wall]

Spongebob: No, no, no, no, Mr. Krabs! No! Don't look, it's a trick!

Mr. Krabs: Did you two cum all over me first dollar?

SpongeBob: We’re sorry, Mr. Krabs! Patrick: We're so sorry!

Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [two dollar signs and a smiley face are drawn on the dollar with crayon. SpongeBob turns to Patrick, who is grinning nervously.]

Patrick: [holding a blue crayon] I thought, you know, maybe he’d buy it.

Mr. Krabs: (Menacingly) All right boys...you know what I’ve got to do now?<

SpongeBob: You mean our asses?

Patrick: Can I use mine one last time? (Mr. Krabs takes the dollar and licks it. The semen comes off then Mr. Krabs puts the dollar back up on the wall)

Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new.

SpongeBob & Patrick: But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...

Mr Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This semen actually comes off with saliva. Ha-ha.

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything.

Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya! (laughs. SpongeBob & Patrick leave his house. Mr. Krabs spits all over the place while he is laughing) The old man’s still got it... Huh? (the semen comes off the wall from the spit) Aww, damn it. I really got to learn to say it, not spray it.