Episode Transcript: Model Sponge

[At the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is in the bathroom, looking at a filthy sink mirror.]

SpongeBob: You're nothing! Is all that grime meant to scare me, Mr. Mirror? I've met sardines tougher than you are. Time to put you in your place. [squirts soap on his head and scrubs the mirror clean, then puts work hat on his head from his nose ] Looking good, mirror! Sorry about the harsh words. [gets mop and bucket] Now to attack these floors!

Mr. Krabs: [in his office, on the phone, chuckling] Are you kidding? He's an absolute treasure to have around the restaurant!

SpongeBob: [chuckles] Sounds like Mr. Krabs is bragging about me again to his associates. [turns to reveal an ear on his back]

Mr. Krabs: And he's been with me for such a long time now.

SpongeBob: [chuckles again] I am.

Mr. Krabs: But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let the little guy go today.

SpongeBob: Yep, he's gonna have to-- [notices, shocked] What? Let the little guy go?! Little guy? Who's the little guy? It must be either me, or [gasps] Squidward! [SpongeBob stands behind Squidward, who is sitting down] Phew! I am taller. You're the little guy, Squidsy!

Squidward: [stands up] No, and I want you to stop calling me Squidsy. [walks away]

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward looked taller there for a second. Better get a more accurate measurement. [SpongeBob stands right next to Squidward in the workstation]

Squidward: What do you think you're doing?

SpongeBob: Oh, just seeing which one of us is the little guy... [makes himself taller, like a skyscraper] ...and it looks like it is you!

Squidward: No, I'm not! [walks away]

SpongeBob: Squidward, wait! [becomes short again] We haven't measured with my legs at full extension yet! [extends legs]

Squidward: [off-screen] I don't care! Now get back in the kitchen!

SpongeBob: You'll care when you find out what's gonna happen to the little guy. Whoa! [walks off balance, then falls and breaks a table] Oh, who am I kidding? I need to face the facts. [makes a strange face] Face the facts that I'm the little guy! [tears up, making another face] And that Mr. Krabs is letting me go today.

Squidward: [smiles] Krabs is letting you go today? [laughs] As in I won't have to work with you ever again. [laughs]

SpongeBob: [walks through the doors and becomes flattened, sad] Goodbye, Krusty Krab. Goodbye, life as I know it. [the wind blows SpongeBob away]

Mr. Krabs: [still on the phone] Yeah, as much as I don't like doing it, I have to let him go. [a little scallop in a cage is shown] Gotten too big for his cage. [releases the scallop] Go on, little guy. Fly away. You'll be missed.

[as scallop flies away, SpongeBob floats into his house, landing in a chair]

Gary: [meows questioningly]

SpongeBob: Oh, what's the use, Gary? [body pops up to his normal self] I've lost the will to go on! [bursts into tears on the couch, then stops, noticing a rumble from a refrigerator Patrick is pulling with a rope] [sniffs sadly] Hi, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, sorry to interrupt your fit of self-loathing, SpongeBob. [happily] I'm just borrowing your refrigerator again.

SpongeBob: [confused] What happened to yours?

Patrick: Nothing, it's just empty.

SpongeBob: [sad] Oh, get it out of my sight! Now that I have no means of purchasing food for myself, I do not need a refrigerator.

Patrick: Oh, don't get down on yourself, buddy. You can still purchase food for me.

SpongeBob: Oh, no I can't, Patrick. I lost my job today. I won't be able to buy food for you,[sniffs] or Gary, [sniffs again] or for anybody!

Patrick: [shocked] Oh, no! What are you gonna do?!

SpongeBob: [sad] I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! I've been a fry cook for so long I... I don't think I can do anything else.

Patrick: [gets an idea, happily] I know, SpongeBob! Just do what I do when I'm looking for a job. [runs to couch, then sits on it] Kick back, watch some TV, [turns T.V on with remote, then holds a carton of Drinkable Sausage with a close-up shot of it] and chug down a carton on Drinkable Sausage! [drinks from the carton]

Gary: [meows while sitting on some newspaper]

SpongeBob: [happily] Good, Gary! There had to be some job openings in the classifieds. [picks up one newspaper while noticing its dirty smell] Whoa! Although, these ads smell a little out of date. I better get some fresh ones. [bubble transition to SpongeBob reading a clean newspaper] Lawyer, no. Too much arguing. Stunt driver, don't have a boating license. Astronaut, don't like food in a bag. Oh, this one sounds interesting. Bank Teller Needed. That shouldn't be too much of a stretch from fry cooking. [bubble transition to SpongeBob counting money at a bank while having his name tag on] 20, 40, 60, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97. [flips money up with spatula, then chops it all up, some flying onto Fred's head, forming the money into a Krabby Patty, as seen in a close-up shot of it] Order up! [rings bell once, then employee takes SpongeBob's nametag off, causing SpongeBob to lose air inside of him] [bubble transition to SpongeBob hammering a nail while building a house] What do you think, boss?

Carpenter: [looks at the house, shocked] Clamshells! What have you done, boy? [looks at a piece of paper showing what the real house looks like, while then looking at a house built by SpongeBob shaped into a Krabby Patty] I told you to build me a house, not a sandwich! [kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out of the construction site]

SpongeBob: I guess I'm not a carpenter, Patrick. [walks in front of a billboard showing a live sponge] I need to start fresh. [some words on billboard sparkle as SpongeBob talks] With a job that feels...natural. Something that says, "This is a job for a sponge." Any idea where I can find a job like that, Patrick?

Patrick: No. Oh, but, yes! It's so obvious! You should work at the Krusty Krab. They need a fry cook!

SpongeBob: I can't, Patrick. That's the job I got fired from, remember?

Patrick: Ohhh. Mayhaps you should talk to the sponge behind you. He looks happy.

SpongeBob: That's just a billboard, Patrick.

Patrick: Why don't you get a job as a billboard?

SpongeBob: I...don't think that's physically possible, [happily] but I could audition to be a sponge model.

Patrick: Fine, do it your way.

[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick walking into the Bikini Bottom Television (BBTV) building]

SpongeBob: Wow! What a setup! Oh, I don't know, Patrick. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I don't have the talent.

Patrick: Oh, you have the talent. But do you have the natural ability?

SpongeBob: Yeah, but...wait, isn't that the same thing?

Patrick: Why don't you find out?

SpongeBob: [quickly covers the door] Wait! I can't do this, Patrick. What if I don't stack up to the competition? Maybe I should just beg Mr. Krabs for my old job back. [starts walking out, but Patrick stops him]

Patrick: No way! It's too late for that now. Krabs doesn't need you anymore. This is your chance to prove you don't need him. Now get in there and earn me some groceries! [pushes SpongeBob through the door to a ladyfish, a casting director, looking at a clipboard] [to casting director] My friend here wants to audition for the sponge model role.

SpongeBob: Oh, well, want is a strong word. I'd like an audition, but if you've already cast it, that's fine if you cast it. [to Patrick] I think she's already cast it. We'd better go, Patrick.

Casting Director: [stops SpongeBob and Patrick from walking out] Hold it. You want the audition, kid? You got it.

SpongeBob: [turns his whole body around, happily] I did?

Casting Director: Show me what you got.

SpongeBob: [sweats, worried] Okay. Here goes. [clears throat] Patrick, please? [Patrick hands out a metal tool and hits it on his forehead, playing a note] ♪ Laaa! ♪ [clears throat again] Sorry. [keeps clearing throat and getting a perfect pitch at the same time, from high to low]

Casting Director: Okay, okay, okay! Let's get on with this train wreck.

SpongeBob: Okay, getting on it. [clears throat yet again, then sings off-key] ♪ When you dream upon a wish, you'll be heartened to know, that hope fills your dish, to the brim! ♪

Casting Director: [unenthusiastically] All right, all right. Thank you. I've heard enough.

SpongeBob: [runs closely to the casting director] How'd I do?

Casting Director: Horribly. I've seen clams with more talent than you. [SpongeBob falls down] But since the role specifically calls for a real sponge, the part is yours. [SpongeBob slowly gets up] Here's the script. We start shooting tomorrow at 10. Don't be late. [SpongeBob rips himself in half, happily snatches the script, then jumps out of the building]

SpongeBob: I guess a sponge can make it in this town. [his pupils turn into stars] I am going to be a star! [a crowd suddenly comes close to SpongeBob, cheering while holding camera and microphones, while a news reporter faces a camera close to SpongeBob]

News Reporter: I'm standing here with the new face of television, Mr. SpongeBob SquarePants. [to SpongeBob] I'm sure the viewing audience would love to know, how does it feel to be the next big thing?

SpongeBob: Fantastic. [puts on sunglasses, then signs an autograph and waves at the crowd chanting, "SpongeBob! SpongeBob!"] [cut to SpongeBob with his eyes closed]

Patrick: SpongeBob. Hey, SpongeBob. Did you say something?

SpongeBob: Oh, yes I did, Patrick. [points to himself] I said, "You're looking at the new face of television."

Patrick: All right!

SpongeBob: Well, I better go home and get some beauty sleep.

Patrick: Yeah, beauty sleep! [bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick walking on the road]

SpongeBob: That's right. You are looking at a changed sponge. But don't worry. I won't forget all the people who held me on the way up.

Mr. Krabs: [walks by, carrying golf supplies and even wearing golf clothes] Afternoon, boy-o!

SpongeBob: Ah, just as I was saying. I'd like to thank you for giving me my humble start. I won't forget you. [he and Patrick walk by]

Mr. Krabs: [scratches his head] What was that about? Oh, probably just nonsense and babbling, as usual. [walks away]

[bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick on the street right next to SpongeBob's pineapple]

SpongeBob: Patrick, when next you see me, it shall be on the television. [walks into his house]

[bubble transition to SpongeBob walking back into the Bikini Bottom Television (BBTV) building towards the casting director, working on a computer]

Casting Director: Oh, you're back!

SpongeBob: A star's first day is his most important.

Casting Director: Great. Let me see if they're ready on set. [through a microphone] SpongeBob's here, sir. Uh-huh. Okay, great. [to SpongeBob] Okay, you can go right in.

SpongeBob: Yippee! [happily runs into the set, toward a spotlight] I am ready for my close-up, Mr. Director.

Director: [with a French accent] Very well. [through a megaphone] Lose the pants! [a claw snatches SpongeBob's pants, making him naked] Hans! Where's my star?! [a live-action hand comes out of a dressing room and grabs SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: Whoa! What's happening? [lights turn on behind SpongeBob, showing a dirty bathroom set] Wh-wh-what's happening?!

Director: In this scene, you'll be cleaning bathroom mixtures.

SpongeBob: Okay, so, uh, where's my cleaning utensil?

Director: [mumbles angrily and quietly] Don't you get it? You are the cleaning utensil. [SpongeBob suddenly frowns] Roll speed! [a red light turns on from a camera]

Charlie: [as a movie assistant, holding a movie clipboard] New Sponge Commercial: Take one. [closes clipboard]

Director: [through a megaphone] Action!

Announcer: [off-screen] Oh, no! Your bathroom is a disaster. Get it cleaned up fast with...the new sponge! [while on camera, SpongeBob groans] Household chores are a snap with new sponge. It cleans sinks. [sink shines after being cleaned by a now dirty SpongeBob] Just look at that shine! New sponge cuts through even the toughest grime and grit. New sponge also cleans showers! [SpongeBob screams while cleaning the shower, which shines too] Ha, ha! That tile looks good as new! [SpongeBob sighs, tired] But best of all, new sponge can make any toilet sparkle! [as SpongeBob hears this, he looks at the toilet dirty inside before going straight in]

SpongeBob: Nooo! [he suddenly stops right before he goes in] I can't do this!

Director: [through a megaphone] Cut!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry. I don't think I'm cut out for acting.

Director: Was? You said you were professional actor.

SpongeBob: Well, I'm not. [puts on his work hat] I am a fry cook. [holds up his spatula] That's what I am, and that's what I've always been! I'm sorry to waste your time, mister. [walks away]

Director: Wait! Wait!

[bubble transition to Mr. Krabs making a money pyramid in his office]

Mr. Krabs: Ever so gently...

SpongeBob: [slams door loudly, causing Mr. Krabs' money pyramid to fall down] Mr. Krabs! [while crying a trail of tears toward Mr. Krabs] Please let me back, please! I promise I'll do better. [hugs Mr. Krabs] Please.

Mr. Krabs: Boy, what are you going on about?!

SpongeBob: [sniffles] I heard you on the phone saying you were gonna let the little guy go. But I don't wanna go! Please don't let me go, Mr. Krabs! You're looking at the little guy that doesn't want to go.

Mr. Krabs: All right, boy-o! I won't get rid of ya: on one condition. [SpongeBob happily nods]

[bubble transition to SpongeBob happily mopping a toilet]

SpongeBob: Oh, boy! This is the best job in the world!

Hans: Hey, could you keep it down in there? [shown reading a newspaper in a stall while on a toilet] I'm trying to concentrate. [episode ends]