Episode Transcript: No Free Rides

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Episode Article: No Free Rides

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(it's another day at Mrs. Puff's Boating School as SpongeBob skids along his way to failing his driving test again)

French Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year, (cut to a shot of SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff's car coming straight to the camera) and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another (panicked) whole year of boating school! (static is shown as SpongeBob crashes into the camera and glass breaks. Back on regular view, the Narrator, who is apparently acting as a cameraman is seen to have fallen over as he groans)

SpongeBob: What happened?

Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian. (writes on clipboard) Minus 20 more points…

SpongeBob: How many does that leave me with?

Mrs. Puff: Negative 224.

SpongeBob: How many more minutes left in the test?

Mrs. Puff: The test is over.

SpongeBob: That’s enough time, I can make up those points! (he is about to pull into reverse)

Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you didn't hear me! (the boat rams into reverse. Screams and pleads Sponge to stop as Sponge knocks over a whole row of cones, knocks through a brick wall and crashes in front of the school's main building, causing dust to emerge. Coughs as the dust clears)

SpongeBob: OK, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?

Mrs. Puff: 6.

SpongeBob: Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

Mrs. Puff: 6...

SpongeBob: (raising arms slowly) Oooooooooooo...

Mrs. Puff: ...hundred. (SpongeBob stops)

SpongeBob: What?

Mrs. Puff: Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob: Don't worry, I'll be all right Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! (slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward) Well, see you next Tuesday! (walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. Runs out to his unicycle-like bike) Yeah! (singing) I'm gonna get my driver's license and it's only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more superduper year... (goes around in circles on his bike) One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! (Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated)

Mrs. Puff: (thinking) Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there's only one way out: a teacher's ace in the hole! (starts to talk, when she does, she deflates to her normal size) Extra crediiiiit!

SpongeBob: What was that, SpongeBob? (Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy)

Mrs. Puff: Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! (laughing wildly) I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.

SpongeBob: What's extra credit?

Mrs. Puff: It's when you get credit for the things you weren't able to do before.

SpongeBob: (singing) Oh. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob at his desk)

Mrs. Puff: Now, are we ready for that extra credit?

SpongeBob: Extra credit!

Mrs. Puff: That's the spirit! So all you have to do to earn your extra credit and pass my class and never have to go anywhere near this school again, is to write a 10-word sentence on what you've learned in boating school.

SpongeBob: But I've learned so many things.

Mrs. Puff: Just pick one, I don't care which. Here, I'll help you get started. (SpongeBob writes what she says) "What I learned in boating school is..." There! That's already seven words! Only three more!

SpongeBob: (writing) L... e... a... r... (pencil snaps) Aw, barnacles.

Mrs. Puff: What's wrong?

SpongeBob: Got to sharpen my pencil. (whistles as he walks to the sharpener. Sharpens it multiple times to get just the right sharpness. Mrs. Puff begins to sweat. SpongeBob is finally satisfied and walks back to his desk) N... e... (pencil breaks again. Walks to the sharpener again. Mrs. Puff stops him, grabs the pencil and holds out a pen)

Mrs. Puff: Give me that! Here's a pen.

SpongeBob: A pen! One of the most permanent of all writing utensils. (walks back to desk singing) Gonna write an essay, that's what I say. (finishes) There.

Mrs. Puff: Fantastic, let me see it.

SpongeBob: No, wait! I changed my mind! (scribbles some stuff out)

Mrs. Puff: I'm sure whatever you've written is fine, just let me see. (SpongeBob jumps on top of his paper)

SpongeBob: Don't look! It's not ready.

Mrs. Puff: It's so simple, only 10 words! "What I learned in boating school is blankity, blankity, (her eyes grow bulging veins) BLANK!"

SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this!

Mrs. Puff: "What I learned in boating school is...!" "What I learned in boating school is...!"

SpongeBob: I can do this! I can do this! (starts to pant) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? Why is it so hot in here? Aah! My hand is cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stop! (Mrs. Puff jumps on SpongeBob and forces the pen to push on the paper)

Mrs. Puff: You only need three... more... words! (the desk finally collapses and breaks. Reaches for the essay) Okay, let me see what you’ve written. (SpongeBob grabs on)

SpongeBob: It's not ready yet.

Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob. Show the teacher what you've written.

SpongeBob: No!

Mrs. Puff: Give it to me! (the two pull on it)

SpongeBob: No!

Mrs. Puff: Let me see it! (the page rips in half. Grabs SpongeBob's piece and attempts to read it) "What I learned in boating school is..." Uh... (on the page, it says 'What I learned in boating school is how to drive.' 'School,' 'how', and 'drive are crossed out and below are pictures of a boat, SpongeBob, and a jellyfish) Well, the rest doesn't matter! (throws the two pieces on the floor) You pass! (laughs) You pass!

SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.

Mrs. Puff: That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.

SpongeBob: Really?

Mrs. Puff: Besides, here's your license. (gives it to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: My license! (licks it) It tastes just like I dreamed it would. Mrs. Puff, I--

Mrs. Puff: (dragging him out the door) Thank you, SpongeBob. Congratulations, and have a nice life!

SpongeBob: Look out, Bikini Bottom! There's a new driver in town and his name is....SpongeBob SquarePants. (echoes) SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. (fades to a vision of Mrs. Puff's fears) La la la la la la la la! (hits Harold, who flies away)

Harold: OWWWWWWWWW! (SpongeBob hits another pedestrian, who also flies away)

Fish: (unintelligible sounds, presumably coughing) OW! (a small birthday party is going on)

Partygoers: Hey! It's your birthday! Happy birthday! (SpongeBob runs them over)

Fred: My leg!

Realistic Fish Head: So much destruction...this reporter asks, "Why?" Local consensus places the blame on this negligent, selfish driving instructor who-- (SpongeBob runs him over) OOF!

SpongeBob: La la la la!

Realisitic Fish Head: Let's – not – use that take.

Mrs. Puff: That's preposterous. He did the extra credit. There's no need to worry. He doesn't even have a boat to drive. (bubble-wipe to later that night. Walks home) Now to go home and have the rest of that pasta. (opens the door and turns on the light to see the SquarePants Family standing in the center of her living room with a huge round cake in the middle saying, "Thank You, Mrs. Puff!")

The SquarePants: Surprise!

SpongeBob: To the greatest teacher ever!

Mr. SquarePants: Thank you, Mrs Puff. I know I speak for everyone when I say that we consider you a member of the SquarePants family. (kisses her hand for a long while)

Mrs. SquarePants: I think you made your point, Dear.

Mr. SquarePants: Ahem. (blushes, and walks back to the family) Mrs. Puff, we were starting to think SpongeBob was never going to get his licence. But you never gave up on him, you never quit, you never took the easy way out!

Mrs. Puff: Well, I...Okay.

Mr. SquarePants: We wanted to make sure Mrs. Puff, the greatest driving teacher in the world, was here to see this...

Mrs. Puff: See what?

Mr. SquarePants: (takes the cover off) Ta-daa! (reading back licence plate) "IM-RDY."

Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob: A brand new boatmobile?!

SpongeBob: For me...? (faints and hits the cake, cutting out a perfect square. Bubble-wipe to outside. The family is in the car ready to drive away with SpongeBob, still passed out, in the backseat)

Mrs. SquarePants: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff...He'll be driving by tomorrow! Toodle-loo!

Mrs. Puff: What have I done?! Everyone will know I let him slide through school! I'll have to move to a new city, start a new boating school with a new name! No. Not again. I've got to end this before it begins. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's bedroom. He's laying in bed with his parents overlooking him)

Mr. SquarePants: You took quite a buster there, Son.

SpongeBob: What I learned in Boating School today is--

Mr. SquarePants: We're gonna hafta hold off on the driving there for a while, son.

Mrs. SquarePants: That's right, Honey. Now, just stay in bed, and no going near the boat! (turns off the lights and leaves the bedroom and the door closes. SpongeBob peeks out to see if it's all clear, then slides through the window and floats to his new boat)

SpongeBob: Hi, Boaty. (runs his hand on the side of the boat and gasps) Boaty, you're cold! (stands up and lays his socks on the side of the door) Take my socks. (jumps on the side and hugs it) Oh Boaty, I'm always going to take care of you. You're the best boat in the deep blue sea! (kisses the throttle lever, sighs, then falls asleep. On the horizon, a shifty dark figure runs by. It is Mrs. Puff, wearing a black ski mask. She peeks over and jumps into the boat, checking to see if the coast is clear)

Mrs. Puff: I hope I still remember how to do this. (takes out a purple balloon and blows it up. Forms it into a balloon animal and snickers to herself) Yeah...(starts the boat and drives off. What she doesn't know is that she's sitting on a sleeping SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: (wakes up and sees the sky moving) Hey, I'm driving! (the two notice each other and scream. Mrs. Puff skids off the road for a bit, then returns to normal. Jumps up) Who are you and what are you doing with my boat? And why are you wearing that ski mask, because you're not skiing! (gasps) Oh my gosh, I know who you are!

Mrs. Puff: (nervous) No, you don't! You don't know who I am!

SpongeBob: Yes, I do! I know that you're a boat-jacker! I never thought I'd have to use this pepper spray. (takes it out. Sprays, but it's pointed the wrong way and it gets in his eyes. Screams) Somebody help me! Somebody help me! (Mrs. Puff kicks him out of the boat)

Mrs. Puff: Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good. (SpongeBob is supposedly running next to the boat, but he's actually riding his bike. Mrs. Puff speeds up faster and loses him)

SpongeBob: Give me back my boat! (finally catches up to Mrs. Puff and slaps his hand on the windshield. Grabs with both hands and jumps up. Mrs. Puff skids and swerves to get him off but he's not budging) You'd better stop this boat! (Mrs. Puff slams the brake. Falls to the ground but is still hanging on and running) I'm... not... letting... go! Nothing will stop me! Not even... (gasps. Cut to a sign with "GiANT CLAMS" on it. It zooms past the camera) Giant clams?! (he is dragged through a field of giant clams. Comes out with a bunch of pieces missing from him) I'm... not... letting... go... not even for... (gasps. Cut to another sign, this time with "CHEESE GRATERS" on it. It zooms past the camera as well) Cheese graters?! (skids through the cheese graters. When he comes out, he's just three yellow sponge strands with arms) If you think I'll let go just for a little... (cut to a third sign, this time with "EDUCATiONAL TELEViSiON" on it. It zooms past the camera) Educational television?! Oh no! (cut back to Mrs. Puff as she hears SpongeBob scream)

Mrs. Puff: Looks like that got rid of him. Now for some tunes. (turns on the radio, which bears a striking resemblance to SpongeBob. It is SpongeBob, in the shape of a radio: his eyes are knobs, mouth the speaker, and so on)

SpongeBob: And now, back to KRUD with all of your personal "you won't get away with stealing my car!" hits. (Mrs. Puff screams. Squeezes out of the box and jumps on Mrs. Puff. They get into a giant brawl and the car goes out of control. Two policefish look on)

Cop #1: Hey, look. (the car then flies off a cliff and straight for the squad car. Both cops scream. While plummeting, SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are still brawling)

SpongeBob: I'd never let you have this boat! Not even if you were... (rips off the ski mask, revealing who the culprit is) ...Mrs. Puff? (cut to SpongeBob babbling his lips in disbelief on a red-and-white spiral background. Cut back to the police car as the car crashes into it. Seconds later, the siren goes off. Bubble-wipe to the Bikini Bottom Jail sometime later. SpongeBob is calling Mrs. Puff on the phone. Every time a person talks, it cuts to them) So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: Uh, SpongeBob? I'd like to... apologize. I never should have passed you. You really weren't ready.

SpongeBob: So, I guess I have to got to give my license back, huh?

Mrs. Puff: I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

SpongeBob: You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student. (cut to see that Mrs. Puff is talking to SpongeBob from jail, through the visiting window) And besides, the warden said she'll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

Mrs. Puff: What's that? (cut to the jail exterior as the camera zooms out)

SpongeBob: (from inside) Free driving lessons! (laughs)

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