Episode Transcript: Karen 2.0

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[The episode starts in the Chum Bucket where Karen drops chum from a paper bag] Karen: Another bag of chum... [smells it] Bleh, now to shape this into his Highness' dinner request. [Karen's screen shows a drink, pizza, a hamburger and pie, then releases a laser from her head and shoots it to the chum pile and the chum becomes a drink, a pie, and more chum; delivers it to Plankton.] Plankton: [using welding tool on circuit board] Almost done. Karen: [gives Plankton the food] Here you go. Eat up. Plankton: What's this supposed to be? Karen: Chum seaweed, chum pot pie, chum con coral, and chum tea. Also known as dinner. Plankton: Karen, your memory banks are gumped up again. I did not request chum pot pie. I requested chum stir fry. Karen: Well, I told you months ago that my memory is full but you've been too busy with your latest project. So tell me, Plankton, how do you plan on failing to steal the Krabby Patty formula this time? Plankton: Computer wife, don't start with me! This plan is foolproof I tell you, foolproof! [laughs evilly and picks up circuit] Not only will I soon grasp the formula, but I'll get rid of your bad memory as well. [places circuit board into motherboard of the same size and shape and presses button on motherboard] [the outer core of the button begins to transition from left to right as if identifying the percentage of time left for the robot to start up] [A robot screen turns around and points towards Plankton] Plankton: Karen, I want you to meet my new computer wife! [Screen lights up and then straightens out to a red line matching the original Karen's] Plankton: Karen 2! Karen: [gasps] Karen 2?! I've been...replaced?! Plankton: I'm afraid so. But can you blame me? She's got triple the processing, all the latest software, and a sleek space-age design. [chuckles] The whole package! Karen: I can't believe this! And after all I've done for you! You dumped me for this cheap pile of plastic?! Plankton: Well, I had to cut cost somewhere. Karen 2.0: Who are you calling cheap?! At least I don't rust! Karen: You know, you're going to wish that you'd deleted that comment! Plankton: Hey, come on, babe. Don't take it so hard. You'll find love again. Maybe you'll meet a nice...uh...adding machine. Karen: Oh that does it! [Karen's screen shows "Loading: Jealousy Scheduler; the screen has a bar that indicates the amount of percentage it has loaded] Plankton: Oh, why did I program her with a jealousy scheduler? [When the scheduler becomes fully loaded, a laser ejects from Karen's head] Plankton: And why did I outfit her with a molecular re-arranger ray? [Karen's screen then shows a picture of a pie and then a stir fry. She aims the laser at Plankton.] Karen: Here's your stir fry, little man! [She blasts the ray at Plankton, but he evades it.] Plankton: Uh, uh. Let's not do something we might regret! [He runs the other way until Karen appears in front of him] Karen: You should know regret's the one thing you left out of my operating system! [Karen charges up her molecular rearranging ray preparing to zap Plankton, but then Karen shuts down.] Plankton: Huh, what happened? Karen 2.0: I accessed the Chum Bucket's power grid, remotely cutting off Karen's power at the source. Plankton: Ha! Karen 2, I knew you were special the moment I laid eye on your motherboard! Goodbye, Karen Classic, [leaps onto Karen 2.0] hello, Karen 2! [He then laughs maniacally and the camera zooms out to the Chum Bucket at night. It pans over to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are outside.] Mr. Krabs: Ah, the end of another lucrative work day, SpongeBob. [He takes out his key and locks the doors to the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob: [in a depressed tone] Yes, the end. [filling with tears] Quitting time is almost too much to bear. Mr. Krabs: Seriously, son, you gotta lighten up. Well, good night, kiddo. [He walks away] SpongeBob: Good night, sir. [catches up to Mr. Krabs] See ya tomorrow. Mr. Krabs: Yes, sir, sure as the sea's wet. SpongeBob: Catcha later, so long. Bye Bye [Mr. Krabs narrows his eyes in annoyance as they pass the Chum Bucket.] Toodaloo! Whoa! [SpongeBob trips over something. The camera then zooms out to reveal that SpongeBob tripped over a box with Karen's body inside it.] Mr. Krabs: Phew, would be the first I've been saved by a pile of trash. [continues to walk away] [SpongeBob gets himself out of the box and looks at it] SpongeBob: This isn't a pile of trash. [picks up Karen's head] It's a free computer system. Mr. Krabs: [zooms back and taking Karen's head] Free! Now what kind of barnacle would throw out a perfectly good computer? SpongeBob: Judging from our location, I'd say Plankton. Mr. Krabs: Huh. He always has been a knucklehead. SpongeBob: Could this be one of Plankton's elaborate ruses? Mr. Krabs: Perhaps. But who could pass up a free computer? [packs Karen's head in the box and brings it in the Krusty Krab] Let's plug her in, see what she can do. [The scene bubbles over to Mr. Krabs' office. Mr, Krabs turns on Karen's monitor. Then Karen's screen shows Loading] Mr. Krabs: She's loading up. Now let's see how this dial up thingy works. [places the telephone receiver on top of Karen and her screen shows an hourglass turning.] This thing does text mails right? SpongeBob: Yeah, I think so. [Karen's screen shows the words Karen Classic with her picture on it] Mr. Krabs: Oh, that sounds promising. [Karen starts crying on her screen and scaring Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob] Mr. Krabs: Are computers supposed to emote? No need to cry, little lady. Karen: Don't tell me not to cry! [continues crying and scaring Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob again.] Mr. Krabs: She's malfunctioning! SpongeBob: Must be the dial-up thingy! Mr. Krabs: You're right, must be interfering with her circuitry! [grabs the telephone and throws it against the wall destroying it in the process] Karen: Oh it's not the dial-up thingy. It's Plankton, he dumped me for a newer piece of hardware. [continues crying] Mr. Krabs: Help me out here, buddy. [pushes SpongeBob next to Karen] SpongeBob: Hey, there. Dry those computer tears. I'm sure you two will get back together. Plankton just need some time to realize how much he needs you. I mean, you guys were made for each other. Well, you were made more for him and more specifically by him, and now, he's built someone with more modern features who's better in every way. There's no- what was my point again? Karen: [sobs] You men are all alike! [hops off Mr. Krabs' desk and onto her mobile body. She hops out of the box and then rolls out of the office.] Mr. Krabs: Wait! Where ya goin’? Smooth, SpongeBob, real smooth. [comes out of his office and sees Karen looking outside the window] Let's talk this out. SpongeBob: Careful, Mr. Krabs. This still could be a ruse. Karen's loyalty maybe still be with Plankton. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what part of "free computer" are you not understanding? [Cuts back to the scene where Karen is looking at the Chum Bucket through the Krusty Krab windows. Plankton's laughter is heard. The scene then shows one of the Chum Bucket door entrance window and we can see silhouettes of Plankton and Karen 2.0 having a romantic dinner with each other] Plankton: Tonight, we celebrate, and tomorrow, the secret formula. [He continues laughing and the scene pans back to Karen looking out from the Krusty Krab window] Karen: I don't ever want to see that low life again as long as I live. Goodbye, you miserable little bug! [Karen's screen shows a mouse picking up a Plankton icon and placing it in the recycling bin.] Mr. Krabs: Well, in the case, welcome aboard! [puts a Krusty Krew hat on Karen's head] SpongeBob: All right! Mr. Krabs: Yeehaw! [They give each other high fives while Karen shows an annoyed face on her screen] [Bubble transitions to morning where we see Squidward going inside the Krusty Krab] Squidward: Huh? [he stops and sees Karen at the cash register] Karen: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order? Squidward: My order? Mr. Krabs: I see Squidward must not have gotten the last company text mail. Karen will be taking over your duties from now on, Mr. Squidward. She's efficient and more importantly: I don't have to pay her. Squidward: So, I'm fired? No more taking orders? [more happily] No more interacting with customers? No more SpongeBob?! I'm free! Ha Ha! I'm free! [cheering] Whoo. Mr. Krabs: Not so fast, Mr. Squidward. [Bubble transitions over to Squidward in the bathroom holding a mop. It turns out that Mr. Krabs had given him bathroom duty. Squidward sighs in disappointment. The scene then cuts to three fish in line waiting to take their order.] Ivy (gray): Hi there, can I get a Krabby Patty and a side of coral bits please? Karen: You'll get your Krabby Patty when I'm good and ready! [she turns to SpongeBob] Sorry, I'm just... [sniffs] ...going through a lot emotionally, right now. SpongeBob: Well, you know what cheers me up when I'm feeling down? Karen: You defragment your hard drive? SpongeBob: No, putting in a hard days work at the greatest job in the world: The Krusty Krab. [He hears thumping. The customers look to the door to see Karen 2.0 trying to get in the Krusty Krab, but she couldn't open the doors due to her not having any arms. Plankton peeks out of a secret compartment in Karen 2.0] Plankton: Hey, what's the hold up, Karen 2? That secret formula's not going to steal itself, you know. Karen 2.0: I'm trying to open the door. You didn't exactly design me with arms, you know. Plankton: Yes, I suppose that's true. All right, I got this. [He is about to climb out of Karen 2.0, but then he gasps when he sees Karen at the cash register.] What's she doing here? Karen, working at the Krusty Krab? What the?! [Karen 2.0 gets pushed into the Krusty Krab by some fish wanting to come in. Karen 2.0 gets pushed in front of Karen.] Karen: Well, if it isn't Little Miss Home-Wrecker. Karen 2.0: And if it isn't the washed up analog has-been. [Plankton pops out of his compartment in Karen 2.0 to listen in on the two Karens' argument.] Karen: Analog? Who you calling analog?! [Plankton quickly goes back inside the compartment sensing a fight is about to begin] Karen 2.0: I see you've taken your proper role as a "Cash Machine." Karen: At least I don't look like I was designed to be a glorified vacuum cleaner! Karen 2.0: Well, at least I can say I was designed. Karen: [Gasps] Why I oughta...! Karen 2.0: You rusty bucket of bolts. Karen: You glorified toaster oven! Karen 2.0: You poor excuse for a house wife. [The fish gasp and start talking] Nazz-Mini: Hey, what's going on? Dave: I don't know, but my money's on the one with the chrome back side. Mr. Krabs: Seriously? Did you just say money? [Microphone lowers down and Mr. Krabs grabs it] Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the fight of the century! Where for only $5.99, and the purchase of two Krabby Patties, you will plead the answer to the age-old question. Which is superior? High-speed integrated circuits? Karen 2.0: Prepare to have your motherboard rattled. Mr. Krabs: ...Or old-school vacuum tubes and diodes? Karen: You're about to have your cookies crumbled! Karen 2.0: Bring it. [Karen and Karen 2.0 start fighting] Plankton: Wait! This isn't getting me any closer to the formula. [Karen grabs Karen 2.0 by the neck] Karen: [Growls] [Karen 2.0 kicks Karen] [Karen uppercuts Karen 2.0 and she flies backwards] [Karen 2.0 headbutts Karen] Karen 2.0: That will defrag your algorithms. [A crunching noise is heard] Plankton: Ow! Karen 2.0: Plankton? [Karen 2.0 moves back from a squished Plankton] [Plankton groans in pain and audience gasps] Karen: [shakes her head] Stop! He's hurt! Karen 2.0: You're throwing in the towel? Karen: You heartless homepage-wrecking hussy! [Karen's arms start spinning around rapidly and she moves towards Karen 2.0] [Karen 2.0's screen is broken off by Karen's arms and Karen 2.0 falls to the ground and breaks] [Audience cheers] Karen: No one runs down my man. Planky, say something... Plankton: Take me home, baby... Karen: Even though you are a tiny green loser, I could never stay... [Static] ... mad [Static] ...at [Static] ...you. [Static] [Screen turns off] [Karen falls to the ground, Plankton screams and dodges] Plankton: Karen! Don't you leave me, Karen. Not again! [Plankton opens up Karen 2.0's compartment, takes her battery out and places it in Karen's compartment] Plankton: I hope this works... Oh, Karen, please wake up! I promise never to take you for granted again! [Karen's screen shows a spinning hourglass] Karen: [Screen changes to her speaking line] What happened? Plankton: I had a reality check, that's what happened. [Audience claps and Karen stands up] Plankton: Come on. Let's go home to the Chum Bucket, honey. Karen: I had the strangest dream. I dreamt there were two of me! Plankton: Two of you? Heh, well that is strange. [Karen 2.0's screen explodes. Karen and the customers leave the Krusty Krab.] Mr. Krabs: Oh, great. There goes me revenue. What am I gonna do now? SpongeBob: [Holds up Karen 2.0's broken screen] Well, we could rebuild Karen 2. [Bubble transition to Squidward at the register wearing Karen 2.0's screen as a mask.] Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order, beep, beep? Mr. Krabs: Keep it up, Mr. Squidward. The kids love robots. Squidward: [sighs] What I wouldn't do to have my face in a toilet right now.