Episode Transcript: Squidville

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Episode Article: Squidville

Characters

Dialogue

(SpongeBob walks up to Patrick with a package in his hand)

SpongeBob: Patrick, look. I got my... (he notices Patrick has the same package. He unwraps his to show a reef blower. Patrick unwraps his to show a flower vase. SpongeBob laughs) I’m sorry, Patrick. It’s just for a second I thought... (notices Patrick has the same reef blower as he does)

Patrick: Hey, you got the same reef blower as me! (Patrick blows at SpongeBob) Tag, you’re it. (SpongeBob laughs. Both run around tagging each other. Patrick blows away a can while SpongeBob blows away a sand sculpture of himself. Patrick switches the blower to 'suck' and sucks off the lines of SpongeBob's pineapple)

SpongeBob: Patrick, you made my house sparkling clean.

Patrick: Sure did.

SpongeBob: We haven’t improved Squidward’s day yet. Let’s do his house! (Patrick sucks up the nose on Squidward’s house and laughs) My turn. (SpongeBob sucks up one of the windows. Squidward opens up the other window)

Squidward: What is going on out here?

SpongeBob: We’re playing with our new reef blowers!

Squidward: Playing with a reef blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of.

SpongeBob: But it’s fun!

Squidward: Fun? How could playing with one of those over-sized hair dryers possibly be fun?

Patrick: Like this... (Patrick sucks the window up. Squidward pulls his nose out of the wall)
Squidward: Chafed. (Squidward opens his front door) Alright, that’s... (Patrick sucks up the door)

SpongeBob: Let’s do your house, Patrick.

Patrick: Yeah! (the two walk to Pat’s rock, and they see Squid digging a hole up to the surface, seeing as how he couldn’t exit his house any other way. He jumps out of it, fuming)

SpongeBob: Squidward, you’re steaming! You’re like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

Squidward: Put my windows back!

SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward! We’re on your side! (the two set their blowers to ‘Blow’ and aim at Squid’s house) Any second now… (all the items fly out of the hoses at once and blow Squid’s house to pieces. Debris falls everywhere)

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would- (he is hit on the head with a rock) I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then go on living where I do now. (the TV falls to the ground and turns on. On the television is a squid, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow)

TV: Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away, that you can brag about it. Would you rather tear out your brainstem, walk out into the middle of the nearest three-way-

Squidward: Four-way!

TV: Four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then continue living where you do now? Then move to- (the screen goes to static, as Patrick has changed the channel with a remote)

Patrick: I hate this channel.

Squidward: No! No! (he grabs the remote and changes it back)

TV: -Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! (he puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pop echoes. Cut to a large complex, fenced off. There is a golden door, and above it is the sign “Tentacle Acres.” Squid walks to the door, with his clarinet and a few other things. He talks into the intercom on the door)

Squidward: Hello?

Guard: Yes, can I help you? Squidward: I’m here about the happiness. I’ll be moving in now. Are you alone?

Squidward: No. I mean, yes. There’s nobody with me. Yes, peace and quiet.

Guard: Are you now, or have you ever been, a sponge?

Squidward: No.

Guard: What about a-

Squidward: (cuts him off) No, no starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving- (the door begins to rumble and the gates open, revealing an entire town of houses just like Squid’s old on. A rainbow is formed. Squid is overjoyed and walks in. He sees squid kids at an ice cream truck) Heaven at last. (he runs into another squid walking by)

Other Squid: I’ve seen more alert people in a retirement home.

Squidward: Oh, which way to the Living-without-a-brain seminar? Don’t be late.

Other Squid: I’ve heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich. (walks off) Get a life! (Squid squints angrily at him, then becomes happy)

Squidward: This place is even better than I expected! (Squid walks down the road, reading off the house numbers) 302, 303, and 304. Beautiful. (he walks in to house 304) And not a pineapple in sight. (he shuts the door. Cut to night, where

Squid is in cap, nightshirt, and slipper, going to bed. His clarinet, as always, is next to him) Good night, Clary. Tomorrow, we begin life anew. (the phone rings, startling Squid. Squid answers it) 304 New Life street, Squidward speaking. (he hears SpongeBob on the other end speaking gibberish) There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob. I am finally among my own kind. (he hears more garbling) Now goodbye! (he hangs up. Back at Sponge’s place, he and Patrick are crushed and exchange gibberish. The next day, Squid walks out of his house and breathes in the fresh air) Ahh. I think I’ll take my bike today. (he takes his bike and rides down the street) I’m my own man. (he runs into that squid from the other day, who is riding in a line of bike riders) Now these neighbors know how to live. (cut to later. Squid parks his bike in front of the “Full of Health” store and walks in and down an aisle) Intensive. Hmm… I bet they won’t have- (he gasps and grabs a can) They have it! (we see the can, labeled “Best Thing Since Sliced”) Canned bread! This town is great! (he walks out of the store with a bag) I would really be impressed if it had (he slaps his forehead when he sees the building across the street) an interpretive dance academy?! (he runs in, now with headband and leotard, and begins dancing happily with the others, while the other squids aren’t as joyful) Yeah! It’s even better in a group! (cut to later, Squid is walking down the street) This town is perfect. (he sees a gazebo with three squids playing clarinet) A clarinet trio? (he runs up next to them and begins playing his clarinet. Cut to the next day, Squid walks out again and breathes the fresh air) Ahh, another great day. (he rides his bike down the street and runs into the same bike line) Oh look! Everybody’s on their bike today. (he walks his bike to the “Full of Health” store again and picks up another can of canned bread. Cut to him dancing at the academy) It just gets better and better! (cut to him with the trio) All together! (they all play. Cut to the next day, he walks out of his house, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays, and this continues over and over, but Squid gets less and less happy with this with each passing scene. Eventually, he’s really depressed, now playing with the trio) I sorta don’t feel like playing my clarinet today. (he walks off. Cut to the next day, Squid sits on a bench in the park, all glum) Yep, this is great. They might as well rename this town “Squidward’s Paradise.” Or perhaps too much paradise. (he hears a reef blower, Squid picks his head up expectedly) SpongeBob? (he sees a squid blowing the leafs with it. The squid then leaves, leaving a sign next to the blower reading, “Back whenever.” Squid is tempted, but dismisses it. But it’s too much, and he goes over and touches it, setting it off for a second. He giggles. He whistles nonchalantly, and knocks off the sign) Oops. (he then picks up the nozzle and switches it to ‘Suck.’ His nose gets sucked up, and he switches it back to ‘Blow,’ freeing himself. His lengthened nose floats over it. He chuckles. A woman squid walking by clears her throat. Squid quickly goes to the lawn) Leaves. Just getting the leaves. (she walks off. Squid takes the blower back to the bench and blows the nozzle on his face, distorting it upward. He blows on his eyelids, distorting them upward. He chuckles. He puts the nozzle under his shirt and blows that up too. He laughs. He points the nozzle to the left and is blown to the other side of the bench. He laughs again. He points the nozzle to the right and is blown off the bench. He laughs all the same. Two squids playing croquet nearby start getting annoyed)

Squidette: Would you pipe down over there, iron lung? (the two start laughing, their foreheads fluctuating up and down as they do. Squid sucks up the croquet balls and the man’s stick which he was leaning on. He falls to the ground. Squid laughs)

Squidward: Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don’t have a leg to stand on! (he continues laughing. The woman helps the man up)

Squidette: Hey! That’s not funny! Man: Yeah! (another man walks by, clarinet in hand)

Man #2: What’s going on over hear? (the croquet woman points at Squid)

Woman: It’s that guy! He’s playing with a leaf blower!

Man #2: Playing with a leaf blower? That’s the most childish thing I’ve ever heard of!

Squidward: But it’s fun! (the man laughs)

Man #2: How could you possibly have fun with one of those oversized hair dryers?

Squidward: Like this! (Squid sucks up the man’s clarinet, and it gets stuck in the nozzle, playing sour notes. The man screams)

Man #2: Give it back! Please! (Squid blows it back at him, lodging it in the middle of his face like a crease. (Squid laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the “wheel”)

Squidward: Tag! You’re it! (he blows on it, inflating the squid’s head. Squid laughs and runs off. Cut to a ‘Le Café’ stand, where two guys walk up to it) Le Café

Woman: What can I get you boys? (Squid opens a door on the stand and sucks up the two guys’ eyes and noses and blows them back out, but puts two noses on one guy and four eyes on the other guy. He runs off laughing)

Squid: What are you looking at?

Squid #2: Nose. (meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick approach the complex)

SpongeBob: Here it is, Patrick. Now we’ve just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got the apology cake? (Patrick picks up a cake that reads, ‘Sorry.’ He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them) We’re ready!

Patrick: Ying! (SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom)

Guard: Hello, can I help you?

Patrick: Can I get a large #1, extra size?

SpongeBob: But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins. (Patrick opens his mouth, the fumes emerging from it. A foghorn sounds)

Patrick: I love fried oyster skins. (cut to inside the control room, where the Guard: sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors)

Guard: We’re sorry, but your kind isn’t allowed here. (a security guard walks up next to him) He’s not leaving, Orville. (the fumes enter the room) You got your night stick ready? (the two smell) Fried oyster skins?! (the two collapse, the Guard: falling on a button opening the gate)

Patrick: I guess we’ve got to order inside. (meanwhile, a group of squids are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squid. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squid run past them)

SpongeBob: Hey! That looked like Squidward! (the mob runs past them) That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! (Squid has approached a dead end)

Policeman: Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!

Squidward: Stand back! I’ve got gardening tools! (the policeman hands him an envelope)

Policeman: Here! Just read this! (Squid looks at it)

Squidward: What is it?

Policeman: A well thought out and organized list of complaints! (the mob shout out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)

SpongeBob: Patrick, look! It’s Squidward! (he runs up to the guy and hugs him, but he’s a different squid with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squid’s) Squidward! We finally found you! (the squid pushes SpongeBob off him) Angry

TV: Get off me! I’m not Squidward! (pause)

Patrick: Are you Squidward now?

Squidward: Grievances! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed!… or at least painted a different color.

Policeman: FYI, you don’t have to live here, you know! (Squid, and the crowd, smile)

Squidward: Hey, you’re right! (the crowd members’ smiles fade) And I’m leaving ASAP! (meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward)

SpongeBob: Are you Squidward?

TV: No. (he walks up to the croquet woman)

SpongeBob: Are you Squidward?

Squidette: No. (Patrick talks to a fire hydrant)

Patrick: Are you Squidward? (pause) That’s OK, take your time. (SpongeBob walks up to him)

SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidward's can be the real Squidward, Patrick! (the town rumbles as Squid rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally)

Squidward: Freedom! Woo-hoo! (SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon)

SpongeBob: Well, we know one thing: it sure isn’t that guy!

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