Episode Transcript: Christmas Who?

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Episode Article: Christmas Who?

Characters

Dialogue

Music: "Christmas Theme Song"

Ready for Christmas, kids?
Aye-aye, Captain
I can't hear you
Aye aye, Captain
Oooh

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SpongeBob SquarePants
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he
SpongeBob SquarePants
If nautical nonsense be something you wish
SpongeBob SquarePants
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish
SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants
It's the SpongeBob Christmas Special!
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la....

(pan over live-action houses)

Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. (the exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears. Inside, Patchy is wrapping presents)

Patchy: (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. (he notices he's on air) Oh! Hi. (he waves) I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club! (he notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye. He switches his patch over to the other eye) Hey, that's better! (Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in)

Potty: [squawk] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. (he limps over to the fireplace) And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. (he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge) Why, I'll bet old SpongeBob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! (he picks up a picture of Sponge. Cut to Sponge, holding a remote)

SpongeBob: I sure am! (he presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters) I'm ready! (Patchy laughs)

Patchy: Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. (he puts down Sponge's picture) And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. (he picks up a picture of Pat. Cut to Pat standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zoom out to reveal a single Xmas ball hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground, and Pat does as well. Now, Patchy is mixing cookie dough) I too am also preparing for Christmas. (he lifts up the mixer) Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! (he takes a lick) Mmm...

Potty: (squawk) Potty want cookie dough! (he flies over, squawking) Cookie! (Patchy ducks)

Patchy: Potty! No! (Potty flies back and forth)

Potty: Cookie! (squawk)

Patchy: Get out of here!

Potty: Cookie!

Patchy: Potty!

Potty: (squawk) Give us a lick!

Patchy: Back off, you flying freak! (Potty flies on the counter)

Potty: (squawk) Clarify please.

Patchy: (The Cookie Dough is shaped like SpongeBob and Patrick was shown) This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots. (cut to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Patchy looks out the window) What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!

Children: (off-screen) Free ice cream! (Patchy laughs)

Patchy: No, you silly livers! (sternly) No!

Potty: (squawk) Man overboard? (Patchy walks over to a desk)

Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. (he sits down) No, it's time to open fan letters! (Potty flies over with a letter in his beak)

Potty: (squawk) Here you go! (Patchy tugs at it)

Patchy: Thank you, Potty. (Potty's not letting go) Yeah. OK Potty, thank you! (Potty squawks, still not letting go) Come on, give it, you birdbrain! (Potty squawks some more) Quiet, infernal bird! (he uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's rope. Potty squawks and falls to the ground. Patchy nods] Hmm. [he sits back down) This letter comes to us from...

Fish Head: (as voiceover) Name and address withheld! (Patchy tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over the place. He pulls up his eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up)

Patchy: And he writes, "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."

Fish Head: (as voiceover) Name and address withheld! (Patchy gets up and takes off his glasses. Now his eye patch is now back on)

Patchy: A very good question. But you know, they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.

Potty: (squawk) They didn't?

Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. (he pulls down Potty's strings. Potty, as well as its puppeteer, falls to the ground. Patchy hangs a homemade Sponge ornament on a Xmas tree. Zoom out, showing the entire X-mas tree, which is decorated with many similar Sponge, as well as ornaments featuring Pat and Squid, and a few gift boxes) There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. (he snaps his fingers) Hey! Who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob’s very first Christmas? (cut to Potty, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Patchy turns around) Potty?! (he sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise) You ate all me cookie dough! (we see Potty is now incredibly fat. The whole lower half of his body, along with their strings, fall off, leaving only his head)

Potty: Squ-ouch! (Patchy shrugs)

Patchy: Oh well! On with the show!

(we see Sponge waiting on a hill near Sandy's treedome)

SpongeBob: (laughs) Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Sandy with a super sneaky karate move. (practices karate)

SpongeBob: What diabolical act is she committing now? (Sandy plugs in Christmas lights) Fire! Don't worry, Sandy, I'm coming! Stand back, Sandy, fire! (instead of throwing water on tree...throws it on Sandy) Huh? I guess there's no fire?

Sandy: What in the name of the Alamo is wrong with you, SpongeBob? Ain't you never seen a Christmas tree before?

SpongeBob: Christmas who?

Sandy: What?! Ya'll never heard of Christmas?

SpongeBob: Is she a friend from Texas?

Sandy: (laughs) No. I can't believe you have heard of... (makes an adorable face) ...Christmas.

SpongeBob: Tell me more about this... (imitates Sandy) ...Christmas.

Patchy: And so, Sandy wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, she told of the one they call, Santa Claus.

(At Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake.

Squidward: Yawn.

SpongeBob: But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you.

Patrick: Just like a genie.

Mr. Krabs: I dunno about you, lubbers, but any fella who's giving away free stuff, is a friend o' mine.

SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Mr. Krabs. (grabs a piece of paper) Here you go! You can get started on your letter.

Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick: Like a genie.

Mr. Krabs: Pipe down, Squidward. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Santa Claus.

Squidward: Oh, brother.

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: Ok, who's next?

Patrick: Ooh, ooh, me, me!

Squidward: Ooh.

SpongeBob: Here you go, Patrick.

Patrick: There's no words on this paper.

SpongeBob: Not yet.

Patrick: Yippee! A writing stick.

SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. Write a letter.

Squidward: SpongeBob, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. (Patrick's letter tears in half)

Patrick: SpongeBob, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?

SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Squid... (Patrick rips his again) ...ward.

Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob... (hands him another piece) Thanks. (sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil) Dear Sant... (paper rips) Doh! Not again.

SpongeBob: Here, Patrick, watch me. Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk in Bikini Bottom. That is my wish. (puts the letter in a bottle) Patrick, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole! (bottle shoots up to the surface) Patrick: Santa! Haha. Where's Santa?

SpongeBob: Santa doesn't come till Christmas Eve.

Mr. Krabs: Ok, boy, my demands, I mean, uhh, my letter, is ready to go.

SpongeBob: Great, Mr Krabs. What did you wish for?

Mr. Krabs: A pony.

SpongeBob: Really?

Mr. Krabs: With saddle bags full of money! (shoots a bottle up to the surface)

Patrick: Here you go, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: What did you wish for, Patrick?

Patrick: Another piece of paper. (bottle shoots up to the surface)

SpongeBob: And what did you wish for, little girl?

Little Girl: Front teeth.

Cowboy: I could use a new hat.

Middle-Age Lady: I need a new hairstyle.

Elderly Man: How about a glass of water for my teeth.(lots of bottles get shot up to the surface)

Squidward: Excuse me, coming through, out of the way.

SpongeBob: Great, Squidward, you finished. What's your wish?

Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.

SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Ok, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival.

Everyone: Hooray

Music: Bikini Bottom "The Very First Christmas to Me"

It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday
Not your normal, average, everyday
Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree
SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me
The world feels like it's in loverly
Go away before I harm you bodily
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me

There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow
Hey, Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe
What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go

People seem a little more brotherly
Here's a little something to you from me
Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la

What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy
Step outside, we've got something for you to see
SpongeBob, take this stuff down immediately
Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree

Tonight things are as good as they seem to be
A star on top will complete all the scenery
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me

Citizen: I hope he can read Portuguese.

SpongeBob: Ahh, that's the last letter. Huh? Wait! Squidward hasn't written his letter yet. (runs to Squidward with a pencil and paper in hand) Squidward! Hurry! Squidward, Squidward! Hurry! (runs into Squidward’s house and upstairs to have him write his letter)

Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I'll help you get started. (writes letter for Squidward) Dear Santa Claus...

Squidward: SpongeBob, forget it.

SpongeBob: Right, too formal. Hi Santa...

Squidward: SpongeBob, no.

SpongeBob: Howdy, Claus?

Squidward: (pushes SpongeBob out his door) I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination.

SpongeBob: But, Squidward, when Santa comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.

Squidward: SpongeBob, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Santa Claus!!

SpongeBob: C'mon, Squid, all you have to do is write a letter. What have you got to lose?

Squidward: My self-respect. My sanit. My lunch. (closes door)

SpongeBob: Squidward, c'mon. (everyone tries to get Squidward outside)

Citizens: C'mon, Squidward. Don't be a party pooper. C'mon out.

Squidward: (pokes his head out his window) Santa Claus is a big phony! SpongeBob has got you all fooled.

SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. C'mon! (closes window and gets in bed)

Squidward: Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full nights sleep. (tries to sleep but the singing outside wakes him up)

Music: Bikini Bottom "Santa's Coming Tonight"

Oh, Santa’s coming tonight, tonight.
Santa’s coming tonight.

Santa’s coming tonight, tonight.
Santa’s coming tonight.

C'mon everybody. Let's sing till Santa gets here.

Oh, Santa’s coming tonight, tonight.
Santas coming tonight.

Santa’s coming tonight, tonight. 
Santa’s coming...

(its morning and they are tired)

Santa’s coming tonight, tonight.
Santa’s coming tonight.

Citizen Fish: Hey! Where's Santa?

SpongeBob: Uh, he should be here any minute. Santa’s coming tonight, tonight. Santa’s coming tonight.

Citizens: Oh, c'mon. Enough of this. (everyone argues)

Citizen Fish: Thanks for the lies, Mr Fairytale. Let's go waste our time somewhere else. Hey, guys, where's your Christmas Spirit? He's just running late.

Patrick: He probably just stopped for a snack. Fat guys get hungry right?

SpongeBob: Yeah! (they wait and wait and then one of the jellyfish jars break on SpongeBob’s head)

Patrick: Never trust a genie. (Patrick and snowman walk away)

Squidward: (alarm goes off) Ahh, morning already? Oh, boy! (speaking in a megaphone) Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op. Could you move in a little? Say Santa Claus.

SpongeBob: (very sad face) Santa Claus. (Squidward takes picture)

Squidward: Aww, our first Christmas. This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas. The first Christmas is this Christmas. (donkey appears on screen making noises) Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me. (laughing at Spongebob)

SpongeBob: You were right, Squidward. This is a stupid holiday. (takes out a present) I still want you to have this.

Squidward: What? What's this?

SpongeBob: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when...Santa came.

Squidward: Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...

SpongeBob: You're welcome.

Squidward: SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old krabby patty, or... (imitates a hillbilly) his favorite underpants. Haha. (opens present) Why, it looks like a clarinet. (smells it) It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. (finds a button that says "push") What's this? (pushes the button and 3 wooden Squidward’s with clarinets come out and bob up and down) Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a...I feel like a...I feel like a... (donkey appears on screen and makes noises) big jerk. What have I done to poor SpongeBob? Uh, hey, SpongeBob? I...SpongeBob? (SpongeBob is on a ladder trying to get his lights down)

SpongeBob: I guess I won't be needing this. (slides down with the lights in hand) That's better. (a gray cloud comes and rains on SpongeBob)

Squidward: Poor little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.

SpongeBob: I better get this stuff off of Squid's house.

Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

SpongeBob: Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?

Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

SpongeBob: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh?

Squidward: Up here you dunce. (looks like Santa Claus) I mean, uh, Merry Christmas little boy.

SpongeBob: (gasps) Could it be?

Squidward: Yes, it is I, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho... (slips off the roof and hits the ground)

SpongeBob: Hey, you're S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...(deep breath)S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...(deep breath) S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...

Squidward: Hey, uh, kid, take it easy.

SpongeBob: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...ta... (faints)

Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? SpongeBob?!

SpongeBob: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...

Squidward: Don't do that again.

SpongeBob: Oh, I knew you'd make it, Santa. Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly.

Squidward: Well, that, um, is a result of, uh, undersea pressure on my body.

SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?

Squidward: Uhh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.

SpongeBob: And what about that nose? (pokes his nose and laughs) I knew you were suppose to have a big one but, that things gigantic. (laughs)

Squidward: Alright! I'm Santa.

SpongeBob: (glues a jump onto Santa) Santa! This is the greatest you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.

Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob, you did.

SpongeBob: I did? (faints and falls on Gary's shell)

Gary: Meow.

Squidward: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob. Merry Christmas! Whew! I'm glad that's over.

Kid: Do you have a present for me, Santa?

Squidward: Oh, well, uhh, see I'm not really...

SpongeBob: (laughs) Go ahead, Santa Claus. See, he is real. He made my Christmas wish come true, he won't let you down.

Squidward: Uhh, right, just a second. (searches in his house for stuff) C'mon, let's see. What do little girls like? A book of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? There's got to be something around here. Think. Think. Think. Ha! Perfect! (hands the little girl a wrench) Ho, ho, ho!

Little Kid: Thanks, Santa. (scratches the wrench like it was a puppy)

Squidward: That almost felt good. (Squidward then notices a long line of citizens waiting for presents) I didn't...who?

Citizen Fish: Hey, Santa, where's my present?

Elderly Citizen: And mine!

Citizen Lady Fish: And what about me?

Squidward: Let's see what Santa has for all you good people. (searches for stuff in his house) Think fast, Santa. Gifts for good people. A-ha! A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.

Citizen: Thank you, Santa. This is just what I wanted. (puts bowl on her head) A new hairstyle.

Squidward: (gives the little girl two forms & gives Patrick a clock) Here you go, Patrick.

Patrick: Wow. (punches a hole through the clock) A wrist watch.

Squidward: (gets everything else in his house to the citizens) What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just 'cause SpongeBob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? (SpongeBob knocks on the door) You might as well take the door. It's all that's left.

SpongeBob: Squidward! You missed him! He was here just like I said! He gave us all presents. He was jolly and he had a beard. His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks. He was friendly and kind. (turns SpongeBob towards the door and pushes him so he walks) And Santa is...his belly was small but his nose was huge with Christmas joy. He was so nice Squidward...

Squidward: Well, at least it's over. (notices a bottle with a letter in it on the ground) Huh? What's this?

Santa: Dear Squidward, thanks for all your help! You've been a real good boy this year. Warm regards, Santa Claus. (letter disappears into thin air) Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! (in his sleigh flying) Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. (does a crazy dance while saying his "ho ho ho")
Squidward: Yup, I'm insane. (plays his wooden clarinet)

Santa: Merry Christmas! (back at Patchy's house, a sailboat with a homemade Sponge and Pat moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it)

Patchy: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee. (in Sponge's voice) Ahoy, Patrick! It's Christmas Island! (in Pat's voice) Presents, ahoy! (in Sponge's voice) Hooray! (he starts making storm sound effects) Oh, a storm! (in Pat's voice) Yay! I mean yikes! (he makes more sound effects and begins speaking in his own voice) Oh, we're going down! (he keeps making noises. Zoom out to show the boat is on Patchy's head) Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! (he screams)

Man on Set: (off-screen) Patchy!

Patchy: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that SpongeBob makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed SpongeBob’s Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. (he takes the boat off his head. Potty flies out, and there is a nest was under him, and in it are a few eggs wrapped in bows. Patchy picks one up) Aw... Potty left me a little Christmas present. (he laughs. Then he goes over to the mistletoe) Arr, ye old mistletoe. And you know what that means. (he sprays breath freshener in his mouth) Ah, time for somebody to kiss Patchy the Pirate! (he makes kissing noises) Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! (he laughs. Potty flies over and squawks. Patchy screams)

Potty: Give us a kiss! (Patchy goes to avoid him)

Patchy: No! No, not you! (Potty keeps flying around squawking) No, not you Potty! Get out of here! No, Potty! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this! Potty! No!

Potty: Kissy, kissy!

Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night, and happy holidays. (the words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen)

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