Episode Transcript: Porous Pockets

Characters

SpongeBob
Patrick
Harold
Appraisal Clerk
Vendor
Bill
Bert
Butler
Mr. Krabs
SpongeBob's new friends

Dialogue

SpongeBob: (walking around in a small circle in Jellyfish Fields) Ahh, nothing quite like a relaxing stroll (deep voice) deep (normal) in Jellyfish Fields.

(a high pitched scream in the distance)

SpongeBob: I’d know that sound anywhere! It’s a terrifying shriek! But where’s it coming from?

(he looks from behind a rock and finds Patrick shrieking)

Spongebob: Patrick, what is with all the shrieking? You know I walk here on Tuesdays.

Patrick: Sorry, SpongeBob. That wasn’t me.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I know I heard a terrifying shriek.

Patrick: So did I, SpongeBob, but I was just mimicking it.

SpongeBob: (Patrick mimicking) So, you were mimicking it. Patrick, please don’t do that. It is really…

(terrifying shriek)

SpongeBob: Wait a minute, if the shriek wasn’t coming from you, then where was it…it’s over there, in the kelp trap!

(a giant clam behind the kelp bush is shrieking)

SpongeBob: The terrifying shriek must’ve come from this clam.

(the clam starts coughing violently)

SpongeBob: (Patrick mimicking) Hey, Patrick, I think there’s something wrong with…

(clam coughing and wheezing)

SpongeBob: W-W-What are we gonna do?

Patrick: Well, the last time I remember coughing like that, I was sitting at home eating a box of Kelp Jerky.

SpongeBob: Oh, and you were coughing because you got something stuck in your throat?

Patrick: I got the TV remote stuck in my throat!

SpongeBob: Patrick, this clam is choking! Luckily, I come prepared! (pulls out a bottle of bubble soap) There, there, Clammy. (takes out bubble wand and spreads a line of soap under the clam’s bottom lip)

Patrick: SpongeBob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob: They like this!

Patrick: No! You always give a choking victim the Slimelich Maneuver, first! And if that doesn’t work, you walk away and pretend like you never saw them before. (walks behind the clam) Like this! Ready, clam?

(grabs the clam, tries to lift it, sprains his back, and screams in pain)

Patrick: Well, SpongeBob, I think I might go catch a movie.

SpongeBob: Hey, what about the clam?

Patrick: What clam? I’ve never seen that clam before in my life.

SpongeBob: But if…

(the clam spits out a pearl)

SpongeBob: Patrick, the clam had a baby!

Patrick: That’s not a baby, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Well, then, what could it be?

Patrick: I’ll give you a hint: what’s white, round, and comes out of clams?

SpongeBob: Their…eyes?

Patrick: No, silly! A volleyball!

SpongeBob: A baby volleyball!

(at Bikini Bottom Volley Ball Courts and Appraisal Center)

Harold: I got it! Ugh!

SpongeBob: Good idea coming here, Patrick.

Patrick: That’s my specialty.

SpongeBob: Having good ideas?

Patrick: No, being called Patrick.

SpongeBob: Maybe we should do some stretches, first.

Patrick: Good idea!

SpongeBob: Well, that’s my specialty.

Patrick: Having good ideas?

SpongeBob: Nope, doing some stretches, first.

(appraisal clerk talking on phone)

Clerk: Yeah…no…I don’t know, the thing’s a hundred years old, how should I know? Yeah, alright, look, if you don’t want it… (sees SpongeBob’s pearl) (dreamily) Uh-huh…yeah…we’ll see…Huh, yeah. I’m…I’m…I’m still here. (hangs up)

SpongeBob: 138, 139,

Clerk: Gentlemen.

SpongeBob: Hello.

Clerk: I couldn’t help noticing what a lovely ball that is.

SpongeBob: Oh, really?

Clerk: Yes. I’d sure like to get a closer look.

SpongeBob: We don’t mind, do we Patrick?

Patrick: Well, just don’t take too long. We were just about to start playing with it.

Clerk: Oh, it uh…it won’t take long at all. (picks up pearl) Ooh, it’s heavier than I imagined. And, uh, shinier, too. Where’d you find it?

SpongeBob: We found it deep in Jellyfish Fields.

Clerk: Really? What was it doing there?

SpongeBob: Choking a clam.

Clerk: Well, um…ahem…what would you say if I were to offer you a small fortune in exchange for your shiny ball?

Patrick: What do you mean, ‘small fortune?’

(hundreds of trucks bring cash to SpongeBob’s house while SpongeBob and Patrick eat Kelp Jerky)

SpongeBob: Whoa. How many more trucks do you think there’ll be, Patrick?

Patrick: Huh? Oh, I don’t know. I am getting kinda hungry, though. I’ll catch up with you later, SpongeBob.

(last truck leaves)

SpongeBob: Well, that looked like the last of them.

Patrick: The last of what?

SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Patrick.

Patrick: So, did you figure out what you’re gonna do with this fat stack of cabbage, yet?

SpongeBob: Yup…I mean, nope.

Patrick: Well, my dad always told me: when you have money, you need to do more than just spend it. You need to have a plan.

SpongeBob: Wow, your dad really told you that?

Patrick: Well, what he said was, ‘How many times do I have to tell you not to stand there?’ But I knew what he meant.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I know a good place to go when you don’t know what to buy.

Patrick: You do?

SpongeBob: The mall!

(SpongeBob and Patrick go to the mall)

Both: Whoo!

(SpongeBob throws a baseball glove a Patrick)

Both: Rock Star!

(they go look at baby clams)

Both: Aw!

(two bite at SpongeBob’s eyelids)

SpongeBob: Patrick, where’d you go?

(Patrick pulls off the clams)

SpongeBob: Oh, there you are.

(they then go to listen to headphones. SpongeBob’s headphones work, but Patrick’s don’t play any music. He pulls at the cord without realizing that both their headphones are connected, and pulls off the top of SpongeBob’s head, revealing his brain. Patrick puts it back on, and SpongeBob puts his hand on Patrick’s sholder)

(they head home)

SpongeBob: Patrick, that was the best shopping day ever!

Patrick: You can say that again!

SpongeBob: Best shopping day ever! Patrick, I got an idea!

Patrick: Really?

SpongeBob: Let’s go shopping again! And this time, buy stuff!

(they head home from the mall with shopping carts and money sticking out of their clothes)

Spongebob: Oh, wasn’t that incredible, Patrick? I mean, with all this money, we could’ve bought anything in the whole world!

Patrick: Yup!

SpongeBob: So tell me, what’d you buy?

Patrick: A lifetime supply of strawberry gum!

SpongeBob: Hey, me, too! And to think we barely even put a dent in my fortune!

Narrator: The following Thursday.

(at an ice cream stall)

SpongeBob: Two, please: one for me and one for my best friend, Patrick.

Vendor: I didn’t really ask who they were for.

SpongeBob: Thanks. (gives him a wad of bills) There you go.

Vendor: It was only fifty-nine cents for the ice cream.

SpongeBob: Oh, that’s okay. I kinda have more money than I know what to do with right now.

Vendor: Looks like my ex-wife was wrong. I am in the right line of work!

Bill: Uh, triple-blueberry sundae, please. Extra nuts.

Vendor: Sure. That’s gonna be $2.98.

Bill: Uh…hey Bert, you got like eight cents I can borrow?

Bert: Yeah, let me check…no, I don’t, Bill, Sorry.

Bill: You know, why is it I always have money when you need to borrow it?

Bert: Well, I don’t know what to say…I…

SpongeBob: Are you gentlemen low on funds? Let me help. (gives wad to Bill) Here you go.

Bill: Whoa. Uh, t-that’s okay, I just need eight cents.

SpongeBob: That’s okay, I already got my ice cream. See?

Bill: Okay, um…thanks.

SpongeBob: Sure thing. Do you need some, too, Bert?

Bert: Okay!

Random fish: Excuse me, can I have some, too?

SpongeBob: Oh, you wanna buy some ice cream?

Fish: No, I’m allergic. But, I’ll be you’re best friend.

SpongeBob: It’s a deal!

Bill: Hey, I think I can hang out with this guy for a while.

Bert: Me, too!

Fish: Me, too!

Vendor: Me, three!

(crowd leaves with SpongeBob)

Patrick: Ice cream?

(Patrick knocks on SpongeBob’s new mansion)

Butler: Hmm…yes?

Patrick: Uh…I’m here to see SpongeBob.

Butler: And are you on the guest list, sir?

Patrick: Well, I don’t think so. Normally, I…

Butler: Well, then, I’m afraid I can’t let you in, sir. Good day, sir.

Patrick: Good day. Uh, your shoe’s untied.

Butler: Hmm, right-o, it is. (Patrick walks inside) Thank you, sir.

Bert: And so, he was like, do you wanna buy some ice cream? Ha ha, ice cream! Can you imagine?

Bill: Ha ha, yeah. Ah, I love that story!

Patrick: Uh, hey guys. Have you seen SpongeBob around?

Bert: Eh…is that guy talking to us?

Bill: Just don’t move. Or breathe. He might go away.

Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob!

Peterson: Hey, pal, watch it. I can buy and sell you!

SpongeBob: And I said, go ahead, let’s do it right now! I got too much hair, anyways.

(crowd laughs)

Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

Patrick: SpongeBob, I gotta tell you something I think you should know: your house is full of strangers!

SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, these aren’t strangers. These are 497 of my closest friends. Right everybody? (crowd cheers) That right!

(SpongeBob throws cash in the air and the crowd cheers and grabs for it)

Spongebob: Patrick, do you hear that? That is the sound of love.

Patrick: SpongeBob, if you keep throwing your money away like that, you won’t have any left to…

Mr. Krabs: Excuse me sir, is this man giving you trouble?

Patrick: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Like I was saying…

Patrick: But…

Mr. Krabs: We don’t want any trouble, now just keep moving.

Teenage fish: Dude, how do you get in there?

SpongeBob: And I told him, it’s not that I mind the macaroni, what I mind is…

Mr. Krabs: Sorry about that, SpongeBob. Won’t happen again.

SpongeBob: No matter, he’s simply jealous of my glamorous new lifestyle.

Mr. Krabs: Say, that reminds me…can I have some money?

SpongeBob: Why certainly. I always remember to…(pulls out empty pocket. Crowd gasps) Oh, I forgot. I keep it in this other pocket. (empty pocket. Crowd gasps) Uh, will you excuse me for a moment?

(SpongeBob goes around checking his safe, piggy bank, golden toilet, and Gary’s shell. He has no money left)

SpongeBob: Noooooooooo! (walks back to party) Well, everyone, I hope this doesn’t put a damper on things, but I just checked and, well it’s just that all my money is… (everyone is gone) …gone.

Mr. Krabs: Don’t be late for work tomorrow, boy.

(Patrick’s rock)

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, hey SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Whatcha doing?

Patrick: Oh, the same thing us sea stars are usually doing, I guess. Laying up against a rock.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I was wrong.

Patrick: About what?

SpongeBob: The money, and about those people being my friends.

Patrick: There is no right or wrong when it comes to that stuff, SpongeBob. There just either ‘is’ or there ‘isn’t.’

SpongeBob: Patrick, if having a bunch of money makes me forget that forget that you’re my best friend, then I don’t want anymore money, ever again.

Patrick: Well, why didn’t you say so, buddy? I’ve been waiting for someone to go break in my new volleyball with!