Episode Transcript: Pest of the West

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Episode Article: Pest of the West

Characters

• SpongeBob
• Mr. Krabs
• Sandy
• Patrick
• Squidward
• SpongeBuck SquarePants
• Pecos Patrick
• Squeeze Tentacles (Squidward's Western Ancestor)
• Mr. Krabs' Western Ancestor
• Dead Eye Plankton
• Mrs Puff's Western Ancestor
• Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch
• Fish 1-4
• Patrick's Great-Great Uncle
• Voice
• Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker

Dialogue

(Episode starts at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop,

Squidward: Him better off not knowing.

SpongeBob: Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir.

Fish 1: Do you always serve your food this way?

SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse)

Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, The mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!

SpongeBob: NOT THE MOLLUSKS!

Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?

SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?

Patrick: No. I was only pretending to be my famous, Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (A flashback begins with Patrick's Great-Great uncle riding through town)

Patrick's Great-Great uncle: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!

Patrick: It's too bad nobody listened to him.

Fish 2: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in Fish 2,3 scream) (Flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.

Patrick: Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.

Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the best thing since loose change! The spandprift billfold system! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what looks like a dollar in a wallet.) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?

SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: A-a-a watch. (Pulls on the dollar, a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See?

SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?

Mr. Krabs: Every time!

SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.

Patrick: Oh, then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (Scene cut to when SpongeBob is standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop)

SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. Sigh I never knew how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in)

Sandy: HI-YAH!

SpongeBob: Hi Sandy.

Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.

SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?

Sandy: I sure do! My great aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Speegletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a squirrel standing on top of an oil tower)

Voice: She's ready to blow! (Oil spurts out of the ground, the squirrel jumps away, flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.

Sandy: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.

SpongeBob: Well, there was my uncle sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.)

Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (Cut to Bikini Bottom Library, Sandy pulls out a book.)

Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants, Hey, looky here! (Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture)

SpongeBob: Gasp!

Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!

SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?

Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch, that's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days.(Story Begins, train coming into scene) It was a town that lived under the teerony of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (Train stops, SpongeBuck gets off.)

SpongeBuck SquarePants: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.

Sandy: Back in 'them days, the whole place was run by that no-good gloot, Dead Eye!

SpongeBuck: Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, wellegers! They even got an ice cream parlor! (Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor", walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.

Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker: You're new here, aren't you?

SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.

Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker: You don't say. (Licks ice cream, Measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him, SpongeBuck notices that some people are looking at him, he looks at them, pull their hats down, keeps walking and licking, music is coming from the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' western ancestor: Buisness is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, wearing a bell that is ringing, everyone stops)

SpongeBuck: How-de do, y'all?

Squeeze Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor (Whispering): Charge him double for his drinks.

SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken?

Fish 4: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles)

Squeeze: What can I get you, stranger?

SpongeBuck: Give me a shot of milk.

Squeeze: Milk?

SpongeBuck: Two for seen.

Squeeze: Think you can handle it?

SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, milk spills into a place where a worm is living) Aah, (Falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth.

Squeeze: Right.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Squeeze: Strange is right.

SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here to the big city I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted')

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (Everyone cheers)

SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (Hold up the same paper but points to an ad that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out)

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: No offence, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck: In a good way?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no takebacks!

Squeeze: Since when?

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Uh, he's at Boot Hill.(Shows a picture of a cemetary with a sign saying Boot Hill)

SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Shows a picture of a full cemetary with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill)