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Episode Transcript: Nautical Novice
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Episode Article: Nautical Novice
Characters
Locations
Dialouge
(Episode Starts at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mrs. Puff: Remember class, there is only one way to park a boat: the safe way. You now see the importance of proper steering, and a properly calebrated anchor. (no one is listening, except for SpongeBob, who is writing notes and putting them in his brain) Which brings us to the subject of rudder maintence... (bell rings)
SpongeBob: Barnacles! Just as we were getting to the nitty ritty.
Mrs. Puff: Wait a minute class! Remember, we will not be here tommorow, we will be going on a field trip to the boating museum. Now run along kids.
SpongeBob: Wow, the boating museum! Maybe tommorow if I can impress Mrs. Puff with an extensive knowledge of boating history, she'll give me a boating license on the spot. (laughs, then pretends his desk is a boat, then goes out) See you tommorow Mrs. P.
Mrs. Puff: Neptune, give me strength! (cuts to SpongeBob's house at night time)
SpongeBob: Let's see. Huh, there she is. (SpongeBob reaches for, and gets bumped on the head with a big book called "The History of all Boating Ever...")
Gary: Meow. (SpongeBob get's the book of his head) Meow?
SpongeBob: What is this Gary? Why it's the complete history of all boating ever. And i'm going to memorize it tonight for the big field trip tommorow.
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: I'm perfectly capable of reading 7,400 pages, and still getting my required 8 hours of sleep, before the bus picks me up promptly at 8 A.M. tommorow. Now if you'll excuse me, i'd like to get started (Gary goes away) All right, let's see what this little pamphlet is all about. (reading) Chapter 1: In the beginning, Neptune created the sale...
Narrator: 7:59 A.M.
SpongeBob: (still reading) ...but such tragidies will be avoided, with the flying boat of the future. The end (finished reading) Time for a little shut eye before... (falls asleep, then his alarm clock wakes him up) Mrs. Puff, can't this wait 'till tommorow? (goes back to sleep, then wakes up) Hang on a minute, it is tommorow! (runs out of his house, to get the bus) Hey, wait! Hey! (catches up with the boat) Mrs. Puff, please stop the bus. (knocks on window)
Bus Driver: What was that?
Mrs. Puff: Noting! Uhh... Just keep driving. (SpongeBob knocks again) Step on it! (bus driver does so)
SpongeBob: Wait! (dissapears)
Mrs. Puff: Phew. (SpongeBob gets on the window, Mrs. Puff screams, and SpongeBob gets in the bus)
SpongeBob: No worries, I made it!
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob? You look terrible!
SpongeBob: I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows Mrs. Puff, before the day is out, you may have learned something yourself. (Mrs. Puff smells his B.O., and sprays him with "Shower in a Can") Hey Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I made this for you! (shows her a tiny boat)
Mrs. Puff: Made What?
SpongeBob: This. The H-N-S Pinifore. At 1 to 8,427 scale of course.
Mrs. Puff: Thank you SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Do you know how many rowers it takes to propel a tririne?
Mrs. Puff: Well that would be...
SpongeBob: Do you know which boat is the fastest on record?
Mrs. Puff: Wasn't that the...
SpongeBob: Did you know that in the future, all boat's will be powered by dolphin manure? Did you know that the H-M-S blutos was originally a racing boat before it became the royal family's private yot? Do you know what scuffling is? What's bigger, a propeller, or a sleet? (cuts to later) Ever been on a... (boat stops, and SpongeBob gets propelled on to the windshield)
Bus Driver: We're here. (SpongeBob melts, and then turns back to normal outside.)
Mrs. Puff: Welcome class, to the boating museum. This enormus vessel, was once the largest in all the seas. But now that it's been converted into a museum, it no longer moves.
SpongeBob: Actually, it get's taken to port once a year for maintence.
Mrs. Puff: If you don't mind SpongeBob, i'll be doing the teaching today.
SpongeBob: No proplemo Mrs. P. (they walk into the museum)
Mrs. Puff: Here it is class, the most extensive collection of sea fairing history ever assembled. From giant naval vesseles, to more modest craft, like this clamming boat.
SpongeBob: I'd say this baby can hold up to ten clam fishers.
Mrs. Puff: Uhh... Sure SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Why, I bet they reel in up to 50 clams a day.
Mrs. Puff: Moving on. Over here we have the Sandy Nub. It was a cargo ship used to bring back exotic spices from far away lands.
SpongeBob: (laughs) With 2 directing steam turbines, producing 6,500 horse power, geared up to triple screws, (snaps) It'll get your spices where they need to go.
Mrs. Puff: (angry) Thank you again, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's working, she's noting my vast knowledge! I can now taste the sweet, sweet, lamination of a fresh boating license! (cuts to them walking up to another boat)
Mrs. Puff: This class, is the Lady Scallion...
SpongeBob: ...named after the captians strict diet of scallions. Of which the crew complained, and the captains odors strongly resembled. For 4 years, this brigesteen explored distant lands, discovering places unknown to anyone, except the people who all ready lived there. (Mrs. Puff is very angry) Are you ready to give me that license yet, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, you're gonna get it all right!
SpongeBob: I knew it! (cuts to Mrs. Puff explaining about a boat, but SpongeBob has the class on the boat, then she opens a charcoal oven, revealing that SpongeBob is in there, then SpongeBob explains about some artifacts, then the field trip is over)
Mrs. Puff: Okay, this is the end of the tour. Any thing to add SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (notices SpongeBob is not there. He is in the control room of the boat)
SpongeBob: Ooh boy here it is, the main controls. Just look at all this stuff. There's the tripleosilater, and there's the hoist pully, and there's the booby trap, and there's the long range mast knob, and there's a hot dog with extra mustard. (gasps) And there is the starter mechanisim. (points at key, but then points at the air conditioning button) That, right there. A.C., that's short for automatic cusitinata. And that's fancy, fancy talk for let's get this party started, like instantly. (SpongeBob presses it, then the air blows at him. He points it away from him, and the key accidently goes in the starting position. The boat then starts) Phew, i'm glad that's over. (notices jellyfish) Oh, well that's a nice touch, what a soothing projection screen. (Mrs. Puff comes in)
Mrs. Puff: That's not a projection screen! (jumps in SpongeBob's lap) SpongeBob, stop it right now.
SpongeBob: Yes mam. (SpongeBob puts it in turbo speed)
Mrs. Puff: Oh sweet besiden! Move aside! I've gotta stop this ship before it plows into Bikini Bottom. Uhh, let's see, the first thing to turn off is... Oh dear Neptune, i've never driven anything this advanced before. SpongeBob, I hope you knew what you were talking about, because it's up to you now!
SpongeBob: Okay
Mrs. Puff: We don't have much time, and if you mess this up, you'll be flattening millions of innocent lives!
SpongeBob: Innocent lives?
Mrs. Puff: And you are the only one who can save them!
SpongeBob: The only one, that, can save, them?
Mrs. Puff: Yes! Now, what I want you to do is, tighten the gurnies, then survey the poop deck, then...
SpongeBob: Stop! I know what to do! (SpongeBob put's a captain hat on) I read a book. Chapter 1, batten down the hatches. (SpongeBob closes the windows) Next, lower anchor. (the anchor gets caught) Oh no, the anchors stuck! I'm going to have to free it manually! I'll be right back. (SpongeBob goes out and pulls on the anchor, until he frees it. He then goes back to the control room) Done, and Done! Thirdly, utter a hearty sea man's laugh. (SpongeBob laughs a hearty laugh)
Mrs. Puff: Oh my gravy! He even knows the hearty laugh. He has been doing his homework.
SpongeBob: And finally, docro, digra. The only way to park the largest ship ever built, is by performing the reverse 7-20 tale spin.
Mrs. Puff: (gasps) But that's never even been attempted before!
SpongeBob: You're right, it hasn't. Not until now! (SpongeBob does it, making the ship stop right before it hits Bikini Bottom. Bot are relieved)
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I don't know how, but you did it! You saved us all! Let's get off this thing. ...and the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought i'd say this, but here's your driver's license!
SpongeBob: (screams) Oh boy! At long last!
Porter: What are you two doing here?
SpongeBob & Mrs. Puff: Huh?
Porter: No one should be on board while i'm tugging the museum into port.
Mrs. Puff: You mean he wasn't driving this thing at all?
Porter: Heck no! (Mrs. Puff tears up SpongeBob's driver's license. SpongeBob is dissapointed, and takes off his hat) Now don't get so down kid. Look, for your false bravery, i'm giving you you're honaray sea legs, okay. Come on, let me buy you an ice cream. (SpongeBob notices that the head lights are on.
SpongeBob: Oh, gosh. (laughs) Head lights are on!
Mrs. Puff & Porter: Don't touch anything you twit! (SpongeBob runs up the stairs)
Porter: Run! (they run, and the ship falls on top of them. Mrs. Puff puffs up at the top, and SpongeBob pops up)
Mrs. Puff: Good thing you studied.
