Episode Transcript: Band Geeks

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Episode Article: Band Geeks

Characters

Dialogue

(Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings)

Doctor: Uhh, yeah, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. (phone rings)

Squidward: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays a clarinet note)

Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?

Squidward: (gasps) Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!

Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.

Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?

Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.

Squidward: The bu-bu-bu…The bu-bu-bu…The bu-bu-bu…

Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh…

Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.

Squidward: HOLD IT! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're going to play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancyboy?!

Squilliam: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of…Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone)

Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…haha…band humor.

Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom.

Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.

Mr. Krabs: Not to mention free refreshments.

Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a shell cart)

Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.

All: Blah, blah, blah, blah…

Squidward: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?

Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instruments?

Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Horse Radish is not an instrument, either. (Patrick lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?

Squidward: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 5 notes) Brass section, go. (brass section repeats) Good. Now the wind. (wind section repeats) And the drums. (drummers misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.

SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?

Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.

Patrick: Kicking? I want to do some kicking! (Patrick kicks Sandy in the butt)

Sandy: Why, you…! (both take fight outside)
Patrick:ahh!!!! hahaahahah!!!!!! Patrick: Whoever is the owner of the white Sudan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks in with his body in a trumpet)

Narrator: Day two. (band walking down a street playing)

Squidward: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move! C'mon, move! (flag twirlers fly in air and explode when running into each other. Trumpet player plays "Taps")

Narrator: Day three.

Squidward: How's the harmonica solo coming, Plankton?

Plankton: It's tremendous! You wanna see? (Plankton runs up and down the harmonica and runs out of breath)

Narrator: Day four.

Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that you haven't improved since we began… (Patrick chews on a trumpet) …but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?

Plankton: CORRECT!!!!!!!!!!!

Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four… (windows break and Squidwards face is deformed when they make a piercing noise with their instruments) Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!

Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?!

Harold: BIG, meaty CLAWS!

Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates.

Harold: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!

SpongeBob: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Nancy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us. (everyone argues)

Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tensions are high. (everyone gets into a fight) There's a deposit on the equipment, people. (everyone uses their instruments as weapons) Settle down, please. (clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting)

Fred: Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door where Squidward slams them open)

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing.

Patrick: You're welcome.

SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?

Evelyn: A firemen.

SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those canning pills, who revived you?

Larry: Some guy in an ambulance.

SpongeBob: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band.

Harold: Yeah, for the firemen!

All: Hooray!

SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddleydiddleydoo.

(At Bubble Bowl)

Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that… (sees Squilliam) …SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH! What are you doing here?

Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?

Squidward: Um, they couldn't come. They…died.

Squilliam: Then who's that?

Squidward: AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!

SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward.

Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band with look. (SpongeBob dances)

Squidward: That's his…eager face. (Squilliam laughs)

Squidward: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.

SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field)

Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom SuperBand!!!!! (crowd cheers)

Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish.

SpongeBob: Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps.

Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Squidward: Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Music: "Sweet Victory"

The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill,

The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will.
Don't ever look back on the wind closing in.
The only attack were their wings on the wind.
Oh, the daydream begins…

And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah,
And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight,
In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah,
And the world is ours to follow…
Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.

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