Episode Transcript: Kenny the Cat

[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab and Squidward is doing his duty at the cash register. Just then, something sucks through the window behind him. He looks in and sees SpongeBob trying to hold his breath.] Squidward: SpongeBob, how about more Krabby Patties and less heavy breathing? SpongeBob: [SpongeBob uses his spatula to stop the alarm clock and he breathes out the air he's been holding onto Squidward causing his head to expand. Squidward pushes backs out of the window] Wow! That's the longest I've held my breath; three whole seconds. I'm gonna try for five seconds next. [takes a very deep breath] Squidward: Keep that up and you'll lose consciousness. [under his breath] Tentacles crossed. SpongeBob: [trying to hold his breath as his face turns blue] Silly Squidward. I'm not going to-- [loses consciousness as Mr. Krabs bursts in the kitchen] Mr. Krabs: What's going on around here? [notices SpongeBob lying unconscious on the kitchen floor. He takes out the bottle containing the secret formula and the smell of it revives him. SpongeBob wakes up] SpongeBob: [speaking gibberish] What's going on? Mr. Krabs: Well, I could be asking you the same thing, boy. SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I was merely emulating my latest media obsession... [points to a poster saying "KENNY! The Cat" with a picture of Kenny on it] ♪ Kenny the Cat ♪ Mr. Krabs: Kenny the Cat? What in clam's name is a... "the cat"? SpongeBob: He's the greatest undersea athlete to originate from above the wet and briny. [points to several pictures of Kenny's famous career] And he's been shattering records all over, holding his breath as he walks the ocean floor. I want to be just like Kenny the Cat. [takes a deep breath and holds it as he walks to Mr. Krabs] That's what he does. He walks like that and holds his breath like that. Kenny is a sensationality. [takes out a tray of uncooked patties with lettuces cut in the shape of Kenny the Cat's head] Haven't you noticed my recent lettuce customizations? Mr. Krabs: No. SpongeBob: [runs up to a huge collection of magazines with Kenny the Cat on them] And you haven't perused my collection of Kenny the Cat periodicals? [turns on the tv] Or noticed Kenny on every TV channel known to fishkind? Mr. Krabs: Uh, no. SpongeBob: [opens the door and a blimp shaped in the head of Kenny the Cat is flying] But what about the Kenny the Cat blimp which hovers over Kenny the Cat Sports Stadium? Mr. Krabs: Never noticed it. [walks away, unimpressed] SpongeBob: Huh. You haven't seen him in your wallet? Mr. Krabs: [stops and gasps as he takes out his wallet] Me wallet?! What's he been doing in there? [takes out a couple of dollar bills with Kenny the Cat on them] SpongeBob: Oh, he's on all the new $50 bills. Mr. Krabs: [Realizes] Oh, that Kenny the Cat. Well, he's a sensationality. SpongeBob: Yeah! And he's visiting Bikini Bottom tomorrow, with hundreds of his rabidly loyal fans. Mr. Krabs: Hundreds, you say? SpongeBob: Maybe even a thousand! [Mr. Krabs poses himself as a dollar sign in joy and triumph] Mr. Krabs: Say, kiddo, why don't see if you can't get old Kenny and his throng of fans to visit the old Krusty Krab for a while? SpongeBob: I shall do my Krustiest, sir. [cuts to SpongeBob visiting Sandy's treedome but with no water helmet] Sandy: [notices SpongeBob not wearing a water helmet and gasps in the horror of his safety] SpongeBob, don't you want your water helmet? [tries to give him one as SpongeBob walks in holding his breath] SpongeBob: [laughs] Not necessary, Sandy. Like my personal hero, Kenny the Cat, I'm A-ok. [SpongeBob makes an A-ok hand-gesture. He suddenly dries up and falls flat on the grass] Sandy: [sprays water on SpongeBob with a hose] Well, if you ain't going to use your helmet, I suggest you make it quick, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: [restores to normal] Hey, Sandy, you're kinda like a cat, aren't you? Sandy: [flips her head upside-down in disbelief] Cat?! [turns her head rightside-up] In what way am I kind of like a cat?! SpongeBob: Well, aren't cats and squirrels basically the same thing? Sandy: We are both mammals, but that is where the similarities end. Cats are no-good scoundrels and I ain't never trusted one of them! SpongeBob: Well, you can trust Kenny the-. He's the heroic cat who has been holding his breath for days at a time. Sandy: [continues to spray water on SpongeBob with her hose] I hate to precipitate on your party, SpongeBob, but that is impossible. No air breather could ever do that. Not even me! [quivers in fear] SpongeBob: Very well, Sandra. If that is your stance, then so be it. Could "someone" be jealous of Kenny's dazzling lung capacity? [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick in sleeping bags, and wearing foam hands on the street waiting for Kenny the Cat] SpongeBob & Patrick: Kenny the Cat! Kenny the Cat! Kenny the Cat! [Incidental 41 walks by] Incidental 41: You do know that Kenny won't be here until 10. SpongeBob: Uh-huh. Incidental 41: Tomorrow morning. SpongeBob: Uh-huh, yeah. 14 hours is cutting it close but I had to work all day. Incidental 41: Hopeless. [walks away] SpongeBob: You know, I read in Kenny Fancy Magazine that he's so used to holding his breath that when he's topside, he forgets to breathe. Patrick: Wow! [laughs] Oh, that'd be like me forgetting to-- [panicking] Oh! Oh, oh, oh...[takes out a taco from his pocket] Oh, there you are, pocket taco. [eats it] SpongeBob: [sighs] Patrick, have you ever gazed up into the starry night and seen Kenny the Cat's face? Patrick: No. SpongeBob: [makes shapes with his fingers like he's connecting the dots] Find the goober constellation and the dorsal constellation, then squint your eyes and let the details fall into place. [a picture of Kenny the Cat is seen in the starry sky] Patrick: [tries to see it but can't] Uh... Nope, I don't see it. Kenny's really gotten into your head lately. SpongeBob: Yeah, Kenny's awesome. [has an idea] Hey, that reminds me! [takes out his make-up kit] Let's paint our faces to look like Kenny! [puts make-up on Patrick's face] Perfect! [Patrick's face is painted in a really ugly looking design of Kenny the Cat] We're the biggest Kenny the Cat fans ever! Patrick: [Patrick looks at himself in the mirror] This, uh, is getting creepy. SpongeBob: [paints a nasty looking cat face on himself] Hey, buddy. Check it out. Patrick: [SpongeBob's make-up scares Patrick] Sweet Neptune! Uh, SpongeBob, uh, I'm going to go now. Your obsession with Kenny is getting weird. SpongeBob: But you didn't even get to see my new Kenny the Cat temporary tattoo! [pulls down his pants and shows Patrick his tattoo] Patrick: Oh, that's okay. See you, SpongeBob! [runs away completely freaked out] SpongeBob: Well, I guess it's plain to see who the true Kenny the Cat fan is. [cuts to SpongeBob still awake in his sleeping bag until his alarm clock goes off] 10 o clock! Kenny Time! [jumps out of his sleeping bag and stands next to the announcer] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, now is the time you've all been waiting for. Kenny the Cat will do his signature walk. [Kenny comes down the street, photographers take pictures] SpongeBob: [head turns into the shape of a heart] Kenny! Incidental 40: Thanks, Kenny! [Kenny signs his fin] SpongeBob: Kenny, sir, it would mean a lot if you'd sign my official Kenny the Cat spatula. [Kenny signs spatula] Thanks, Kenny. You're so real. [Kenny nods in agreement] Oh, you're hungry? What do you say we move this autograph session to the Krusty Krab? [Kenny gives him his A-ok handsign. SpongeBob stutters] Did you see that?! Kenny just gave me his trademark A-ok hand sign! [does a silly dance] Swoon! Swoon! [cut to the Krusty Krab where a huge crowd is in front of it] Crowd: [random chatter] Mr. Krabs: One at a time, one at a time, please! Kenny the Cat will have time to meet each and every one of you's. [quietly] And I will have time to take each and every one of your dollars. [normal voice; shocked] Look at myself. I'm not being a very good host. [goes to Kenny] Uh, excuse me. You just make yourself at home, Kenny. I mean, Mr. the Cat. [takes out two ketchup packets and one mustard packet] Here you go! Condiments. On the house. Don't tell anybody. Welcome to the Krusty Krab family. [laughs] [Kenny's oxygen tank slips from his back] SpongeBob: Mr. the Cat? Everything OK? [Kenny draws a toilet and shows it to him] Say, Mr. Krabs, this is gonna be a long day for Kenny. How about we give him a minute to freshen up? Mr. Krabs: What an excellent idea, SpongeBob! "A clean cat is a moneymaking cat," I always say. Please avail yourself of the lounge facilities. [Kenny goes to the washroom] SpongeBob: Well, I'd best get back manning the grill. Kenny: [takes out the oxygen tank and throws it on the ground] This gets real uncomfortable after a while. [breathes in. His face turns blue. He runs to the oxygen tank] SpongeBob: [enters the bathroom with a Krabby Patty on a plate] Sorry to bother you, Mr. the Cat, but I thought you'd just like a bite to… [drops the patty in shock] Whoa! Kenny: [breathes through the oxygen tank and sighs. SpongeBob starts to panic] Good thing I've got this oxygen tank and mask, or otherwise there's no way I'd be able to hold my breath for this long. SpongeBob: [camera zooms in to his heart which has a face similar to his. It loses a tooth and eye, then breaks] How could you, Kenny? You broke my heart. Here I was this entire time believing your act, only to discover that it was nothing but... an act. Kenny: But it's not what you think! SpongeBob: There's no room for thoughts now. Only for tears. [runs away, sobbing] Kenny: SpongeBob, wait. [trips over the oxygen tank, and uses it again] SpongeBob: [annoyed and upset] I can't believe I fell for such a phony! [Sniffles] Oh, well, time to move on. Guess I don't need my Kenny the Cat fan club membership card anymore. [rips card and sniffles] Or these Kenny the Cat posters. Oh, Kenny, how could you? You were my idol. [sobs] You were my idol! You know, I should really talk about this with someone. Or I might get... [close up of his face] depressed. Kenny: SpongeBob, please, let me explain! I'm just a cat with a dream. A dream to give the gift of hope. See, above water, I'm a nobody; just another annoying cat. But down here, I'm someone special; someone who can make people happy. And if making the world a happier place makes me a criminal... [starts to sob] ...then lock me up and throw away the key. Have mercy! [sobbing] SpongeBob: All right, Kenny, all right. I promise I won't tell anyone. Kenny: Really? SpongeBob: Yes, really. Kenny: All right, Thanks, Bob. You're the best friend I ever had! Now if you'll excuse moi, I've got to sign some autographs. [exits the kitchen] Mr. Krabs: Ah, the cat of the hour is back! Crowd: [cheering] Mr. Krabs: All right, you ready to sign for these fine dollars—I mean, uh, suckers—I mean, uh, some autographs? [Kenny nods his head] Crowd: [cheering] Mr. Krabs: Well, alrighty then. That's what the consuming public wants to hear. [He takes Incidental 65 over to Kenny and the latter signs the autograph.] Incidental 65: Sir, I just want to say that you're the biggest inspiration myself and my friends have ever known. Your ability to hold your breath has changed our lives... forever. [looks at his three friends. They are holding their breath while their faces turn purple. One of them falls down] SpongeBob: [looks worried. He reads the note that Kenny wrote] You're welcome. I've been holding my breath for more than 20 years, no problem. [gulps] You can too. Signed, Kenny the Breath-Holding Cat"? Sandy: Hiya, Kenny. Mind if I get your signature? [Kenny writes the signature] Gee, it sure is nice to meet another air-breathing, warm-blooded varmint down here. Kenny: Mm-hmm. Sandy: Just out of scientific curiosity, how do you hold your breath for so long? [SpongeBob and Kenny react] SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Uh, we needn't burden ourselves with such needless scientific technicalities, Sandy. Sandy: I'm just wondering, SpongeBob. I mean, he does defy all scientific logic, [Kenny starts to sweat] considering the fact that all air breathing mammals need oxygen to the brain and lungs to survive for more than 3 minutes. [Sandy makes a serious face at Kenny. SpongeBob pushes her] SpongeBob: Hey, maybe we should show our fine guest a little more hospitality, hmm? Sandy: [pushes him back] What has gotten into you, SpongeBob? Can't I talk about what must surely be happening from a biological standpoint? I mean, like the lack of oxygen will heighten the capillaries in the lungs, causing a dangerous level of carbon monoxide to rise in the bloodstream, which in turn leads to a ghostly blue color to the skin, [Kenny's skin turns blue] followed by eventual unconsciousness. Kenny: [screaming] I CAN'T TAKE IT!! I need oxygen! [punches himself for his oxygen tank] Crowd: [gasps] Kenny: [uses the oxygen tank and sighs] Sandy: I knew Kenny was a fake! Crowd: [boos and leaves] Crowd Member: Liar! Mr. Krabs: No! Come back! [to Kenny, angrily] Aw, thanks a lot, you air-breathing charlatan! [leaves, but come back] And you can forget about these free condiments too! [takes back the condiments he gave Kenny. Cut to outside] SpongeBob: Gee, Kenny, I sure am sorry if I ruined your career. Kenny: [in a suit like Sandy's] Aww. It's okay, SpongeBob. Maybe the whole shamble is a big wake-up call to be honest. SpongeBob: Hey, I've got an idea. Most cats hate water, right? Well, you can be the cat that likes water. That way, you're still special! Kenny: I like it. [does the A-ok hand sign. SpongeBob does it back] Sandy: Just get out of here already. [pops part of his suit, and he is rocketed back to the surface] You can never trust a cat. Or is it a dog?