Episode Transcript: Sailor Mouth

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I'm with Stupid	Artist Unknown

Episode Article: Sailor Mouth

Characters

Dialogue

Mr. Krabs: Well, it's the worst time of the day once again(cringes as he changes the sign to "Closed") Closing time!

SpongeBob: Well, see you in the AM, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, boy!(pulls SpongeBob back) Take that pile of filth out with you.(Squidward holds up a trash bag)

SpongeBob:(gasps) Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

Squidward: He means this filth, you loon.

SpongeBob: Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash. Hmm...dumpster writing! The voice of the people! "Up with bubbles, down with air!" (laughs) "Nematodes are people too!" (laughs) Nematodes... Here's one someone didn't finish! Squidward smells. (writes the word "good" after "smells") Good.(laughs) Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a bitch hmm? Krabs is a bitch.

Garbage Man: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!

SpongeBob: Well, sometimes,but not recently.

Patrick: Hi, garbage man. Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick! Patrick, do you know what this word means?

Patrick: Krabs... Uh, isn't that the red sweaty guy you work for?

SpongeBob: No, not that word,THAT word.

Patrick: Hmm... sucker! Uh, hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.

SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?

Patrick: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it on anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!

SpongeBob: Oh, I get it! Here, let me try.(coughs)(fancy tone) Hello, Patrick. Lovely **** day it is, isn't it?

Patrick: Why yes it is, SpongeBob. This **** day is particularly dam lovely!

SpongeBob: How **** right you are, Patrick! (Both start saying the word multiple times)

SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.

Patrick: Oh, me too! (both laugh)

SpongeBob: It tickles when I laugh!

(SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab next day)

SpongeBob: Hello,customers, nice **** day we're having!

Fish: Did he just say?

Pirate Fish: Aye, he did.

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick, how the f- are you?

Patrick: (walks into the Krusty Krab) Pretty good, SpongeBob.

Old Man Jenkins: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter mouth convention.

SpongeBob: (taps on the microphone) Attention, customers, today's special is a F-ing Krabby Patty served with in a greasy ******* sauce and grilled to ******* perfection. And don't forget to ask us to **** the ******* fries. It'll be our ******* pleasure. Hi Squidward, how the shit are ya?

Patrick: Nice ******* day we're having, isn't it Squidward?

Tom: I don't understand. The guy's talented, but he doesn't have to work blue.

Evelyn: Let's go somewhere more family oriented.

(Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab with disappointing shouts, a fish says in the background: "I'm eating at the Chum Bucket!")
(Sirens wail)

Mr. Krabs: Ah!! The Krusty Krab! She's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all my money paying customers gone?

Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What'd he say?

Squidward:(whispers)really bad vandilism.

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

Squidward:(whispers)really bad vandilism.

Mr. Krabs: gasp!!! SpongeBob and Friend!!!!! Front and center! I think I should make you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.

Patrick: Yeah,it's fancy talk.

Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!

SpongeBob: You mean **** ?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one. Now quit saying it! It's a bad word.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word??????????!!!!!!

Mr. Krabs: Yes sirree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.

Squidward: Don't you mean there are only 7?

Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor! (laughs)

SpongeBob: Wow, 13!

Patrick: That's a lot of ******* bad words!

Mr. Krabs: OK, boys. I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.

(back at SpongeBob's house, playing Eels and Escalators)

SpongeBob: Gee, I'm glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a bad word!

Patrick: Yeah, me too, because classy sophisticates like us shouldn't stain our lips with cursing.

SpongeBob: Yay,verily! Now, let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators.

Patrick: Hooray, my favorite!

SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes! (rolls the dice)

Patrick: Oh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob, you gotta rent an eel.

SpongeBob: Darn. (moves game piece to eel)

Patrick: My turn! (rolls dice) Hooray! escalators! Yay! Up,up,up!

SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators! (rolls dice) Uh, eels again.

Patrick: My turn! (rolls dice)Escalators!

SpongeBob: Escalators, escalators, escalators!(throws dice) Eels?

Patrick:(rolls dice)Es-skee-lators!! (moves to escalators) Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob, for if you get eels again, you lose!

SpongeBob: (gets frustrated while rolling the dice) Escalators, escalators, escalators!!! (dice is thrown and lands on escalators) Ha! Escalators! (dice turns to eels)

Patrick: Eels!

SpongeBob: Ah, ****! (closes mouth)

Patrick: Oh! you said number 11!

SpongeBob: Ah! It just slipped out, you know. You understand, right, Patrick! You gotta understand!

Patrick: Don't worry,SpongeBob,I understand. Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! (starts running to the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Please Pat, please don't tell!

Patrick: But you said ****!

SpongeBob: Oh, I'm telling Mr. Krabs on you!

Patrick: Not if I tell him first!

SpongeBob: I can run faster than you!(laughs)

Patrick: (riding in an ice cream truck) See ya at the Krusty Krab! Ha, ha, ha! (the truck goes the wrong way)oh no!!

SpongeBob: Ha! Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?

SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!!

Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?!!

SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!

Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!

SpongeBob: Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escalators,and Patrick was going up,up,up,and I rent an eel and then we ran and Patrick,he said some things!

Mr.Krabs: What kind of things?SpongeBob:Well, he said..ah.. Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes?!

SpongeBob: Well, let's just say he said a certain word that you said we shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in the 13 words you said shouldn't be said.

Mr. Krabs: Uh... right,uh, you said what...? Who now?

Patrick:(eats an ice cream): Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr.Krabs!! (Mr. Krabs sighs)

(both babble on about the word, but Mr. Krabs grabs their lips)

Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of your lips, and when I do, I want you boys to calmly tell me what you need to tell me,understand?

Both: Mmm-hmm(Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips) He said ****!

Mr. Krabs: Ah! Do my ears deceive me? You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean,never use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now the both of you wait right here. I'll be back.

Patrick: What's going to happen to us?

SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes!

Patrick: (imagines himself with 40 eyelashes)

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs was right. There's no use for words like that.

Patrick: I'm sorry,too,SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: From now on, we shall not let cursing stain our lips! We will be good citizens,just like good ol' Mr.Krabs.

Patrick:(shakes hands with SpongeBob)Agreed!

Mr. Krabs: All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for poisoning the air in my restaurant with your foul words, you're going to give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to... (trips on rock) Ow, ooh! Ow! My *******!!!!!!!!! foot! What kind of ****!!!!!! sir genius put a rock under my foot? Now I've got **** under there! Oh ****!!!!!!!!! Truck grabbin'********************!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: 7,8,9,10,11,12,13! That's all 13, Patrick! (cut to SpongeBob with 13 fingers) We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: No, not me mommy! That would break her poor old heart!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Mama Krabs, Mama Krabs! Mr. Krabs said ****!!!!!!!! then he said ****!!!!!!! and ****!!!!!!!!!!! *********!!!!!!!!! with a side of *********!! I have never heard in all of my days!

Mama Krabs: Oh, dear! My poor old heart.

Mr. Krabs:(gasps) Oh, dear mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? (takes a coin out of her pocket) You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!

Mama Krabs: You should all be ashamed! If you're gonna talk like sailors, you're gonna work like sailors!

(the three are painting her house, Patrick is painting the sand)

Mama Krabs: I guess you three scalawags have earned yourselves a glass of lemonade! (laughs, trips on a rock) Ow! my (horn honks)!!!!!!!! foot!

Mr. Krabs: Mother!

Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy.

Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!

SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Mama Krabs: (laughing)

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