Episode Transcript: Pest of the West

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Episode Article: Pest of the West

Characters

• SpongeBob
• Mr. Krabs
• Sandy
• Patrick
• Squidward
• SpongeBuck SquarePants
• Pecos Patrick
• Squeeze Tentacles (Squidward's Western Ancestor)
• Mr. Krabs' Western Ancestor
• Dead Eye Plankton
• Mrs Puff's Western Ancestor
• Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch
• Fish 1-4
• Patrick's Great-Great Uncle
• Voice
• Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker

Dialogue

(Episode starts at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Backing up! (Walks backward, face to the ground) Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop, Boop,

Squidward: Him better off not knowing.

SpongeBob: Boop, Boop, Boop! (Flips over and puts a tray on a customer's table) Your Krabby Patty, sir.

Fish 1: Do you always serve your food this way?

SpongeBob: You mean with a smile? Yes, sir! (Patrick walks in on a pretend horse)

Patrick: Beware! Let it be known to all far and wide, The mollusks are coming! Tally, ho! (Rides around the Krusty Krab) The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming! THE MOLLUSKS ARE COMING!

SpongeBob: NOT THE MOLLUSKS!

Patrick: Mollusks? What mollusks?

SpongeBob: There aren't any mollusks coming, are there, Patrick?

Patrick: No. I was only pretending to be my famous, Great-Great Uncle, Patrick Revere! He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of the coming hordes of ravenous, man-eating mollusks! (A flashback begins with Patrick's Great-Great uncle riding through town)

Patrick's Great-Great uncle: The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!

Patrick: It's too bad nobody listened to him.

Fish 2: What beeth the deal with ye olde nutcase? (Mollusks come in Fish 2,3 scream) (Flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. I didn't know you had a famous relative.

Patrick: Well the best part about it is, I don't have to accomplish anything in life, because my Uncle already did it for me. Really takes the old pressure off.

Mr. Krabs: That's nothing! My Great-Great Grandpappy Krabs invented the greatest thing since loose change! The spandprift billfold system! Allow me to demonstrate. (Pulls out what looks like a dollar in a wallet.) Hey SpongeBob, how about a raise?

SpongeBob: Gee, thanks Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: A-a-a watch. (Pulls on the dollar, a steel jaw trap grabs Mr. Krabs' finger) See?

SpongeBob: Doesn't that hurt?

Mr. Krabs: Every time!

SpongeBob: Gosh, I don't have anyone famous in my family.

Patrick: Oh, well then it's lucky you have me as a famous friend. Or your life would be a hollow shell. (Scene cut to when SpongeBob is standing by a statue that looks like someone riding a seahorse, covered in jellyfish poop)

SpongeBob: I'll bet you're someone's famous poop-covered ancestor. Sigh I never knew how sad and empty my life was, until my friends pointed it out. (Sandy jumps in)

Sandy: HI-YAH!

SpongeBob: Hi Sandy.

Sandy: Something wrong, SpongeBob? You look sadder than a bullfrog full of sody-pop.

SpongeBob: Do you have any famous relatives, Sandy?

Sandy: I sure do! My great aunt Rosie Cheeks was the first squirrel to discover oil. At Speegletop, Texas. (Flashback begins with a squirrel standing on top of an oil tower)

Voice: She's ready to blow! (Oil spurts out of the ground, the squirrel jumps away, flashback ends)

SpongeBob: Seems like everybody in town has a famous relative. Everybody except me.

Sandy: Come on, I'll bet y'all got someone famous in your family tree.

SpongeBob: Well, there was my uncle sherm. (Pulls out a wallet full of pictures) He could stick an entire watermelon up his nose. (Shows a picture of Uncle Sherm with a watermelon in his nose.)

Sandy: That's not the kind of famous I mean. Come on. Lets do a little digging around your family tree. (Cut to Bikini Bottom Library, Sandy pulls out a book.)

Sandy: "Family Histories of Bikini Bottom". Let's see, SquareHead, SquareShirt, SquarePants, Hey, looky here! (Points to a statue of SpongeBuck in a picture)

SpongeBob: Gasp!

Sandy: It's a statue of SpongeBuck SquarePants!

SpongeBob: I've never even heard of him! He got his own statue?

Sandy: Says here he saved the entire town of Dead Eye Gulch, that's what Bikini Bottom was known as back in the old west days.(Story Begins, train coming into scene) It was a town that lived under the teerony of a nasty crook 'til a mysterious stranger came to town. (Train stops, SpongeBuck gets off.)

SpongeBuck SquarePants: Wow! The big city! Well, time to make my fortune.

Sandy: Back in 'them days, the whole place was run by that no-good gloot, Dead Eye!

SpongeBuck: Shoo-Wee! This place sure is big and fancy-like! Gee, wellegers! They got an ice cream parlor! (Sees a building that says "Dead Eye Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor", walks up to the front) I'll take one scoop of vanilly ice cream, please.

Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker: You're new here, aren't you?

SpongeBuck: Yep. I just got off from the train.

Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Parlor Order taker: You don't say. (Licks ice cream, Measures SpongeBuck and makes a coffin for him, SpongeBuck notices that some people are looking at him, he looks at them, pull their hats down, keeps walking and licking, music is coming from the Krusty Kantina)

Mr. Krabs' western ancestor: Buisness is good today! (SpongeBuck walks in, wearing a bell that is ringing, everyone stops)

SpongeBuck: How-de do, y'all?

Squeeze Tentacles: Great, another hayseed.

Mr. Krabs' ancestor (Whispering): Charge him double for his drinks.

SpongeBuck: Howdy partner! (Sits down) Pardon, but is this stool taken?

Fish 4: Yeah. Some fancy dude just sat in it. (SpongeBuck looks at the stool and smiles)

Squeeze: What can I get you, stranger?

SpongeBuck: Give me a shot of milk.

Squeeze: Milk?

SpongeBuck: Two for seen.

Squeeze: Think you can handle it?

SpongeBuck: I drink this stuff every day. Over the lips and through the gums, look out tapeworm, here it comes! Get ready tapey. (Laughs and drinks the milk, milk spills into a place where a worm is living) Aah, (Falls off the stool) Oh, yeah! Smooth.

Squeeze: Right.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?

Squeeze: Strange is right.

SpongeBuck: The name's SpongeBuck. I left home to make my way here to the big city I'm here for the job. (Holds up a paper that says 'Sheriff Wanted')

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Wonderful! You're hired. (Gives him a badge) Hey everybody! Meet our new sheriff! (Everyone cheers)

SpongeBuck: Sheriff? I'm not here for the sheriff job. I'm here for the fry cook job. (Hold up the same paper but points to an ad that says 'Fry cook wanted Low pay/No Benefits') Back home, I'm known for my rootin-tootin, never-pootin chili. The spiciest chili west of the old west farm. (Mr. Krabs' ancestor tries it and spits it out)

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: No offence, kid. But your chili tastes terrible.

SpongeBuck: In a good way?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: No, in a terrible way. Look, we already gave you the badge. And the law of the west says: no takebacks!

Squeeze: Since when?

Mr. Krab's Ancestor: Shshshshshsh! So that means, you're the new sheriff!

SpongeBuck: What happened to the old sheriff?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Uh, he's at Boot Hill.(Shows a picture of a cemetary with a sign saying Boot Hill)

SpongeBuck: Gasp! And, why is he at boot hill?

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Because Old Dead Tree Hill was totally full. (Shows a picture of a full cemetary with a sign saying Old Dead Tree Hill, Pecos Patrick bursts in)

Pecos Patrick: He's a' coming! Dead Eye's a' coming!

Citizens of Dead Eye Gulch: Dead Eye?!

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor and Squeeze: Dead Eye?!

SpongeBuck: Who's Dead Eye?

Pecos Patrick: I'll tell you who Dead Eye is! But I shall do it through song. Master if you please, (Squeeze is at the piano, cracks knuckles, about to play, deposits coin, music starts playing)

Song: "Dead Eye"

Oh, Bikini Gulch was a perty place
With sweet water and bue sky.
'Til one day a beast 'come riding from the east
By the name of Ol' Dead Eye.

That dirty, no-good Dead Eye!

Oh, he's robbed this town,
He's pulled my pants down!
He made all the pretty girls cry!

That no-good goon wants my saloon!
And me I.O.U's due tomorrow noon!
If we don't get some help here real soon,

We'll lose everything we own to Dead Eye!
We'd stop him if we weren't too scared to try!

And if you think that's funny,
Well, let me tell you, sonny,
You won't be laughing when you SEE...
HIS...
BIG...
RED...
DEAD EYE!
Dead Eye!

Dead Eye: That's me! Dead Eye Plankton!

Pecos Patrick: Who?

Squeeze: We just sang a whole song about him!

Dead Eye: Well, what are you looking at?! (Everyone hides, Dead Eye knocks a chair with a person down, pulls off Pecos Patrick's clothes)

Pecos Patrick: Aw, again? (Dead Eye flings checkers pieces in the air and flings them at the milk glasses with his whip, Squeeze and Mr. Krabs' Ancestor duck)

Dead Eye: Get up you two! I'm here for my... money krabs (dips a coin in milk and bites on it)

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: (Laughs nervously) What? How am I supposed to keep the deed to me saloon if you keep taking all me mortgate payments? I'm going broke, here! (Dead Eye bends the coin)

Dead Eye: That's the idea! (Laughs) I thought we were all clear on that.

Mr. Krabs' Ancestor: Oh, yeah. (Hands Dead Eye a bag of money)

Dead Eye: I'll be back at high noon tomorrow for the deed!

SpongeBuck: Hey! That's not your money!

Dead Eye: WHO SAID THAT?! (Mr. Krabs' Ancestor points at SpongeBuck, Everyone runs away) Well, last time I checked, this town was Dead Eye Gulch! Not Yokelburg! (Laughs) Yokelburg! (Laughs again) Who are you anyway?

SpongeBuck: I'm SpongeBuck, the new sheriff. Want some chili?

Dead Eye: Sheriff! (Knocks down SpongeBuck's chili) 'Round these parts we call them coffin jockeys!

SpongeBuck: Coffin jockeys!? (Runs over to Mr. Krabs' Ancestor) You didn't say anything about that!

Dead Eye: (Pulls out a pocket watch) That must be a new record for running off a sheriff.

SpongeBuck: (Is pretendig to ride a horse, but is on a coffin) Hope I haven't missed the first post. Whoa, girl! (Coffin neighs like a horse)

Dead Eye: Where do you get these guys? (Mr. Krabs' Ancestor shrugs) All right, kid. I'm going to make it simple for you. I'm a villain, got it?

SpongeBuck: Uh huh.

Dead Eye: And this town ain't big enough for the both of us! Understand?

SpongeBuck: Yep.

Dead Eye: So, vamoose! Or we're going to have to settle this western-style at high noon, Savey?

SpongeBuck: Sounds great!

Dead Eye: You have no idea what I'm talking about?

SpongeBuck: Nope.

Dead Eye: Sigh (Cracks whip at SpongeBuck, SpongeBuck runs away) And stay out! Hey, only three seconds off my record! (Everyone is looking at Dead Eye) What are you hayseeds looking at? (cracks whip, Everyone screams and runs away) Git! Get out of here!

Fish 5: What's gonna happen to the town now, pa?

Fish 6: I ain't your pa. (Both scream and run away)

Dead Eye: I love this town! (Laughs evilly, end of 1st half of show.)