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Episode Transcript: The Bully
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Episode Article: The Bully
Characters
Dialogue
SpongeBob: Excuse me, miss?
Nancy: I don’t want to have to report you again.
SpongeBob: I was just wondering... ...is it the homework pencil on the left side of the paper next to the quiz pencil, or over on the right side
all by itself? Or...
Nancy: I think it goes stuck inside your...
SpongeBob: Wait, I got it! The quiz pencil goes right over here next to the essay pencil and the essay
pencil gets turned sideways toward the notepad, just in case I have to write an essay.
Mrs. Puff: Good morning class. Sorry I’m late. I got caught in traffic on the way in here when that whole 'I'm-
going-to-be-doing-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life' thing reared its ugly head and I... Anyway, we have a new student starting
today, so let’s all put on a happy face for Flat the flounder. Tell the
class something about yourself, Flats.
Flats: Well, I like to kick people’s butts. (Mrs. Puff laughs)
Mrs. Puff: What a card! Now Flats, it’s time to pick your seat. Just go ahead and sit anywhere you’d like. Okay class, as
you remember last week...
SpongeBob: Hi, I’m SpongeBob!
Flats: Hi, SpongeBob. I’m going to kick your butt.
SpongeBob: That joke was almost funnier the second time.
Flats: No. I mean it.
SpongeBob: (giggles) That time it almost seemed like... (Flats rips off his his chest hair to show 'I Mean It') ...you did
mean it. (raises hand) Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
Mrs. Puff: Why no, SpongeBob. I’m in the middle of a coffee-fueled sermon right now. You can’t afford to miss this
information.
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff. (puts his hand down) Sorry, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: Now, can I please have a volunteer to come up to the board? How about you, Flats? (Flats approaches the board)
Please draw for us a diagram of a basic four-way intersection, Flats. Please turn and show
the class what you drew, honey. My, how very creative! We have an artist in
the class.
SpongeBob: I just don’t understand. Why would Flats want to kick my butt? I haven’t said two words to the guy! Oh no, that’s three! What am I going to
do? (hears the door open) What was that? Someone’s coming. They’re getting closer. I’ve just got to act natural.
Fish: Oh that’s real nice.
SpongeBob: Phew, I thought for sure that was gonna be... (Flats opens the stall) Flats!! Uh, hello, sir. Kick any good
butts lately? Yeah, I remember last week, I was kicking this guy’s butt real good. And he leans over and says, 'Hey, you
know, life’s like a bucket of wood shavings. Except for when the shavings are in a pail, then it’s like a pail of wood
shavings!'
Flats: Hey, that story really speaks to me.
SpongeBob: Really? What’s it say?
Flats: It says now, I’m going to kick your butt twice as hard.)
SpongeBob: ...and I leave Gary’s water bowl to Gary, and my curtains to... oh Neptune, I just can’t do this. Death row, next in line speaking.
Patrick: Hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery.
SpongeBob: Patrick? Is that you?
Patrick: Yeah, hey Mario. Let me get a large double olive, double-
SpongeBob: Patrick, listen! It’s me, SpongeBob! I need your help!
Patrick: You’re working at Pizza Castle now?
SpongeBob: What? No, listen! I’m in big trouble. There’s a new guy at school here and he wants to kick my butt! Listen,
you’re big and strong, do you think you could come down here and maybe rough him a bit? Just to get him off my back?
Please, Patrick, I’m so scared, it feels like I’m gonna throw up.
Patrick: No, they’re not closed. I know, you want olives.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you there?
Patrick: Oh, I’m sorry, SpongeBob. I was just talking to my old community college buddy, bumped into him at the soda store, isn’t that
funny? It must have been years since we’ve seen each other. Well, let me get going. He’s got to go
back to school soon. He says he’s going to kick somebody’s butt. Hello?
Is this Pizza Castle?
Mrs. Puff: Come in, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, can I be in a different class?
Mrs. Puff: But why?
SpongeBob: I can’t tell you.
Mrs. Puff: Why ever not?
SpongeBob: I just can’t, Mrs. Puff. My physical being is at stake, let’s just leave it at that.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, you can tell me anything. You’ve got to believe that.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. But only if you promise to keep it between us.
Mrs. Puff: Of course.
SpongeBob: Flats says he’s going to kick my butt!
Mrs. Puff: What? There shall be no butt-kicking in any class of mine! This is an adult program. SpongeBob, just leave it to
me.
SpongeBob: Aw, thanks Mrs. Puff. I knew I could count on you.
Mrs. Puff: Have a nice lunch, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, I talked to Flats for you. I used your name. It was all a big misunderstanding.
SpongeBob: You what?
Mrs. Puff: He was never going to kick your butt at all! You see SpongeBob, Flats is from a town where kicking someone’s butt
means that he wants to be your friend. And maybe play some sports with
you on weekends.
SpongeBob: I’ve got diarrhea! Huh? Are you Flats' dad?
Flats’ Dad: Why, yes I am.
SpongeBob: Okay, see, I didn’t know where else to turn! Patrick couldn’t help me, and Mrs. Puff only made it worse. I sit
next to your son Flats in school, and he is a fine boy in all, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but he
wants to kick my butt.
Flats: Dad, what’re you doing?
Flats’ Dad: Uhh, nothing son.
Flats: What did I tell you about talking to strangers?
Flats’ Dad: (to SpongeBob) Now he’s going to kick my butt! (SpongeBob screams and runs away)
SpongeBob: Out of my way! Out of my way! Can’t you see he’s gonna kick my butt?
Old Man: Hi there young people, nice day today.
Fish #2: So, you like kicking butts, do ya? Well we’ll show you, old man!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay, I got to skip town, start a new life, live under a pseudonym! "BobPants SpongeSquare". Yeah, that’s
good. Grow a beard, and then shave it off, and live happily ever after.
Flats: Yeah, except you forgot the part where I kick your butt. (SpongeBob gasps and runs off while still in the garbage
can. As he is running down the road, trash falls out of the garbage can, including a banana peel. Flats screams when he
sees the banana peel on the ground. When the dump truck runs over the peel, it flips upside down. Cut to later where Flats
is in a hospital)
SpongeBob: Hey Flats, you feeling better?
Flats: What? Where am I?
Doctor: (walks in) Why, you’re in the hospital. This young boy saved your life. He performed CPR for five hours
straight.
SpongeBob: Yeah. They said you’d be okay after the first few minutes, but I just wanted to be sure.
Flats: Wow, I’m touched. I’ll have to remember that when I’m kicking your butt. Those flowers for me? (SpongeBob runs out
of the hospital screaming)
SpongeBob: He’s still gonna kick my butt! (the fish look at the old fish again)
Fish #2: How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?
Old Man: I love the young people! (the fish walk up to the old fish. Cut to SpongeBob running back to his house)
SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I’m too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven’t gotten to do! (cut to
SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone) Hold on, I’ll transfer your call. (cut back to a knock on the
door) Who is it? (door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams) Flats!
Flats: It’s butt-kicking time!
SpongeBob: Gary, there’s something I want you to know, but I’m too scared to remember what it is. (Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breaths harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder)
Flats: Let’s do it!
SpongeBob: Go away, Gary. I don’t want you to see this. It’ll be ugly. (Gary gets out a camera from his shell)
Flats: Are you ready?
SpongeBob: Hold on. (puts a blindfold over his eyes) Okay, I’m ready. (Flats punches SpongeBob but it doesn't hurt
SpongeBob) I said I’m ready. (Flats tries again but same result happens) Didn’t you hear me? I said I’m ready. (Flats
punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles) That tickles. (Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt
SpongeBob) Gary, I’m absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you known what that means? I
get to go to work tomorrow! (cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still
punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary, chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom,
sleeping, and eating breakfast. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but not as
hard. He passes out from punching too much) Flats, are you okay? (everyone cheers) Do not cheer me, my fellow adult
classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that’s riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I
call... (clenches fist) ...'violence road'. (Mrs Puff walks in)
Mrs. Puff: Sorry I’m late, class, I... (gasps as she sees SpongeBob’s fist and Flats on the ground) SpongeBob, I can’t believe you beat up a new student. (zoom out of school) I’m going to kick your butt!
