Episode Transcript: FarmerBob

[The alternative episode begins at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is outside in his boat on the street, waiting for SpongeBob.] Mr. Krabs: [growls impatiently and honks his horn] SpongeBob! [growls and honks his horn again] SpongeBob! SpongeBob: [appears on the passenger seat with a pilot helmet on] Oh, boy! Road trip! [fastens his seatbelt] I hope it lasts forever. [Mr. Krabs drives up to Old Man Jenkins' farm, which is only ten feet away from the Krusty Krab.] Mr. Krabs: And we're here. [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs head for the barn's entrance.] SpongeBob: Old Man Jenkins' farm? [The scarecrow starts to shake and Old Man Jenkins appears from the shirt's opening.] Old Man Jenkins: Trespassers! [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs scream. Mr. Krabs hides in his shell and SpongeBob hides behind him. SpongeBob peaks his eyes out over Mr. Krabs' eyestalk holes. Old Man Jenkins comes out from the scarecrow costume and points his pitchfork at Mr. Krabs' face.] Mr. Krabs: Whoa there, Jenkins! [Old Man Jenkins points his pitchfork further, but Mr. Krabs pushes it back] Pull in your plow! I'm here to pay me grocery bill. [holds up his really long bill] Jenkins here supplies all the Krusty Krab's farm fresh ingredients. SpongeBob: [as Mr. Krabs' bill extends itself] Ooh. [laughs] Yoo-hoo! Whee! [slides on the bill] Old Man Jenkins: And I expect to be paid for them. Mr. Krabs: Well, funny you should mention that. [SpongeBob comes up next to Old Man Jenkins in a farmer lady's outfit] SpongeBob here will be your farm hand until me bill's paid off. SpongeBob: Farm hand! Oh, boy! [rips off his outfit] Old Man Jenkins: Dagnabbit! If you think you can—[gets cut off by Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs: Oh, look at the time. Gotta go! Hey, boy-o! [hops into his boat] This should help you with your work! [throws out a sack and drives away] [The sack hits SpongeBob in the face and it skids him across the ground.] SpongeBob: Huh? Potatoes? [The sack opens and reveals Patrick eating all the potatoes.] Patrick: Pat-tatoes! [shows his mouth full of potatoes] SpongeBob: Oh, boy! We can be farming buddies. [hugs Patrick really tight, which makes him spit out the potatoes] Old Man Jenkins: Now hold on there, youngin'. I can't just let any dern fools work on my farm. SpongeBob: Oh, we're not just any dern fools. [SpongeBob and Patrick dig into their mouths and pull out their certified fools badges.] Patrick: We're certified fools. Old Man Jenkins: Hm….Well, better hitch up your britches. 'Cause we got tons of chores to get done before the big barn dance tonight! [Old Man Jenkins' farm and grain silo laugh and dance around. The scene changes to Old Man Jenkins leading SpongeBob and Patrick to the oyster coop.] SpongeBob: Oh, boy. What's first? Old Man Jenkins: First thing we do is gatherin' pearly eggs from this oyster coop here. The trick is getting them oysters to open up their clams. [rubs gently on the oyster's chin] Coochie coochie coo. [The oyster laughs and spits out an egg. Old Man Jenkins takes the egg and shows it to SpongeBob and Patrick.] SpongeBob: Ooh, shiny. Patrick: Ooh, aww. Old Man Jenkins: [puts egg in basket] I'll be back in two shakes of a lamprey's tail to see how you're coming along. [SpongeBob leans in to do the same trick as Old Man Jenkins did.] SpongeBob: [rubs gently on the oyster's chin] Uh, coochie coo-coochie… Oyster: [pouts] Uh-uh. SpongeBob: Okay, that didn't work. Patrick: SpongeBob, you gotta be more gentle. [Patrick grabs a crowbar and screams like a crazy maniac. He jumps over and sticks the crowbar in the oyster's mouth. Patrick tries to pry the oyster's mouth open with all his might, but the oyster flips Patrick over.] SpongeBob: Patrick! [Patrick whirls around in the air and lands on SpongeBob's face. The crowbar lands in Patrick's mouth and falls flat on the ground. SpongeBob's face is flattened and shaped like Patrick's buttocks before popping itself back in shape. The oysters laugh and spit eggs at SpongeBob and Patrick. Old Man Jenkins comes back and sees the basket still empty.] Old Man Jenkins: Why, you ain't gathered up a single egg! [SpongeBob comes over with his mouthful of eggs and spits them in the basket.] SpongeBob: Well, that was egg-citing. [laughs] [The scene changes to Old Man Jenkins, SpongeBob, and Patrick at the worm hog pen filled with worm hogs.] Old Man Jenkins: The next chore is to feed the worm hogs. [SpongeBob pours a bucket full of slop into the worm hog pen and rings the bell with his nose. The worm hogs run up and begin eating their food. Patrick is also eating the food with the worm hogs.] Patrick: [swallows the slop] Mmm. Slop. [One little worm hog is trying to eat some of the food and frantically looks for a place to dig in. But Patrick kicks the little worm hog away.] SpongeBob: Aww. Are you hingry-wungry cutie-wuite hoggy-woggy? [feeds some slop to the little worm hog and laughs] That tickles. [gasps as the little worm hog begins to swallow him whole] [SpongeBob screams frantically to break free, but the little worm hog spits SpongeBob out and completely swallows him up before belching out his clothes.] SpongeBob: Uh, could somebody hand me those? [Old Man Jenkins sighs in disgust. The scene changes to Old Man Jenkins, SpongeBob and Patrick with a cow-like jellyfish in the farm.] Old Man Jenkins: Now, you be gentle when you milk ol' Bessie. [leaves as Bessie moos] SpongeBob: Don't you worry. I'll take it easy peasy on the old jelly squeezy. [SpongeBob grabs a bucket, pulls up a stool and attempts to milk jellyfish jelly from Bessie's udder. He grabs it and goes to milk it, but the udder sprays jelly on the floor. SpongeBob tries desperately to figure out how to milk it, but the udder keeps spraying jelly all over the place. SpongeBob, had enough with the udder, grabs it and goes to milk the jelly in the bucket. But the udder builds up so much jelly, that it causes Bessie to get angry and sprays jelly all around.] Old Man Jenkins: What in tarnation—[gets sprayed by Bessie's jelly] [Bessie gets really angry and throws a fit by kicking everything. She then kicks SpongeBob and Patrick and sends them flying towards Old Man Jenkins. All three of them crash into the farm's front door.] Patrick: Mmm, a Jenkin Jelly sandwich! [licks jelly off of Old Man Jenkins] [The scene changes to Old Man Jenkins giving SpongeBob and Patrick their final chore outside the farm. Patrick eats some of Bessie's jelly while Old Man Jenkins is talking.] Old Man Jenkins: Your final chore is harvesting my kelp patch. SpongeBob: [sees a tiny patch of kelp] Ha, this will be a snap. Old Man Jenkins: Not that patch. That one! [points to really huge field full of kelp] SpongeBob: [groans] That'll take forever! Old Man Jenkins: Not if you use my tractor. [points to his tractor] SpongeBob: But I don't have a tractor license. Patrick: I got lots of licenses. [shows off his licenses] Driver's license, fishing license, marriage license. Oh, here it is! Tractor license! [Patrick drives the tractor through the kelp patch. The tractor makes several bails of kelp from the back.] SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick. You're really good at this. Patrick: The secret is to stay cool as a sea cucumber. I don't want anything to distract—[shouts as he sees a jellybee flying over him] A bee! [screams] Jellybee! [babbles as he tries to shoo it away, but since there is no one steering the wheel, the tractor begins driving around uncontrollably] Get it off, get it off, get it off! [The tractor trips over a rock and flips around. The jellybee is now sitting on the tractor's steering wheel.] SpongeBob: Hold on, buddy. [grabs a rope from under the seat] I got it. [throws the rope] Hyah! [misses as it catches the steering wheel] Whoops. [the jellybee flies into SpongeBob's nose, but SpongeBob holds it closed so it won't fly out] Got it. Patrick: Yay! Don't let it go. [stupidly throws SpongeBob out] [SpongeBob lands on the ground and gets dragged around by the tractor.] SpongeBob: [spits out sand] Hey, this is fun. [The tractor continues to drive while making some kelp bails. SpongeBob skids across the field and dodges the kelp bails.] SpongeBob: [laughs while dodging the kelp bails] Whoo-hoo! [The jellybee flies out from one of SpongeBob's holes and stings him from behind. SpongeBob screams in pain and flips over to the front of the tractor in slow-motion. SpongeBob gets caught in the tractor's grinders and comes out all tied up.] SpongeBob: Did I "bail" out too soon? [laughs and breaks free] Oh, boy! Our chores are all done. It's time for the... SpongeBob and Patrick: Barn dance! [The tractor drives into Old Man Jenkins' farm and destroys it.] Old Man Jenkins: How can I have a barn dance with no barn? [sobs, then kills SpongeBob and Patrick] [The scene changes to Old Man Jenkins crying at the graveyard. There is a graveyard stone that says "R.I.P. SpongeBob and Patrick (1999-2021)."] [The alternative episode ends.]