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Episode Transcript: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired
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Episode Article: Mrs. Puff, You're Fired
Characters
Dialogue
(At Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mr. Fitz: Good morning, Mrs. Puff. I'm Mr. Fitz. I represent the 'Voting Teachers Accreditation Bureau'. As you know, your teaching certificate is up for renewal. However, we've noticed there have been an unusually large number of failings from this classroom.
Mrs. Puff: That's impossible. In all my years of teaching, only one student has failed my class.
Mr. Fitz: Yes, but he's failed 1,258,056 times. (shows folder with a bunch of files, making a laughing SpongeBob)
Mrs. Puff: You don't understand. SpongeBob is...unteachable.
Mr. Fitz: We cannot blame the students for the incompetence of the teacher.
SpongeBob: Honk-honk! Beep-beep! I'm ready to drive. Are you ready for my driving test today, Mrs. Puff?
Mr. Fitz: Ok, Mrs. Puff, if SpongeBob fails this test, you will be replaced.
Mrs. Puff: (in the boat with SpongeBob and Mr. Fitz) Ok, SpongeBob, let's demonstrate for Mr. Fitz everything I've taught you in
boating school. Now, what's the first thing we do before we start boating?
SpongeBob: (snaps fingers) Oh! Seatbelt-a-rooni. One second. (gets tangled in seat-belt then squeezes self through. As
SpongeBob is doing this, Mr. Fitz is writing on his notepad)
Mrs. Puff: Then what do you do?
SpongeBob: Start the engine?
Mrs. Puff: Yes.
SpongeBob: (starts the boat) Now what do I do?
Mrs. Puff: Drive the boat. (SpongeBob drives into a boat)
SpongeBob: Did I pass this time, Mrs. Puff?
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, you failed.
SpongeBob: I failed?
Mr. Fitz: It's not you that failed, SpongeBob. It's Mrs. Puff that's failed you. You are relieved of your teaching duties.
Mrs. Puff: I won't be teaching SpongeBob anymore? (laughs excitedly) No more...SpongeBob? I thought this day would never come. Whoo-hoo! Good-bye, SpongeBob! Have a nice life. (exhales her puffiness) Free at last. Free at last.
(cut to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, her name crossed out with paint)
SpongeBob: (in classroom) I got Mrs. Puff fired. (new teacher breaks down door)
Instructor: Hello, worthless students. I'm your new instructor. (breaks Mrs. Puff's name tag in pieces) No one's ever failed my class...that's lived through it. I can assure you these next 4 weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spines will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot. (students are freaking out) You will drive out of this school in style, or you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking.
Student #1: Does that mean--(instructor throws student through the door)
Instructor: Second rule: No eating in my class. (takes out a box of bon-bons) Would anyone care for a bon-bon?
Student #2: Uhh, I'll eat one. (Students gasp. Student #2 walks up to the instructor)
Instructor: Pick your favorite. (student takes one and eats it) How's it taste?
Student #2: It's a delightful taste sensation.
Instructor: No eating in my classroom! (throws student #2 through another door) Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... (everyone but SpongeBob have run out on a boat somewhere pillaging and plundering) Looks like you're the man...sponge.
SpongeBob: I am?
Instructor: (outside) Do you wanna learn how to drive or what?
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! I'm ready to drive! (jumps in the boat)
Instructor: What do you think you're doing?
SpongeBob: Ready for my test, sir.
Instructor: (takes SpongeBob out of the boat) You're not ready to drive yet until you learn that first. (shows roads with all sorts of obstacles) This is the most grueling driving course ever devised. You will learn every turn, bump, and crack on it. You'll start out crawling it.
SpongeBob: Crawl?
Instructor: Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. Hup two. (SpongeBob crawls forward)
SpongeBob: Left turn. (turns left) Crack. Bump. Nickel. Hey a nickel!
Instructor: Keep your eyes on the road, cadet.
SpongeBob: Pebble!! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!(crawls faster and more out of control. Gets the pebble stuck in his hand) Ow!! Wow!! (rolls down the obstacle course into the air, out of the water, then back down where the instructor catches him) Ow!! Wow!! Wow!! Wow!! Aah! (stops screaming) Whew!
Instructor: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. What are you supposed to be learning in my class?
SpongeBob: How to drive, sir?
Instructor: Affirmative. But before you learn to drive, you must learn to crawl. And then you learn to walk and then you learn
to run. But before you learn to walk, you must learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!
SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir!!
Instructor: Now get out there! (SpongeBob crawls around a hole. SpongeBob carries the instructor on his back) Hut! Hut! (then he stops at a stop sign, and runs in and out of some radioactive waste) Every good boater needs to know his vehicle inside and out. (hands SpongeBob a wrench) Here, go take that boat apart. (SpongeBob takes the boat apart) I'm impressed, son. Put it back together again!
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, that'll be easy.
Instructor: Are you sure?
SpongeBob: Um, yeah. You just put the jig-a-mahoos on the poo-hicky and uhh... (laughs) I might need a couple minutes. (later, the instructor is sleeping) It's ready, sarge!
Instructor: Jumpin' jellyfish! (SpongeBob put back together a rocket as it blasts off. Later, the instructor is looking through some binoculars at SpongeBob, who is wearing a hat with mirrors on it. SpongeBob runs up to a red light and stops until it turns green)
SpongeBob: Watch for pedestrians. Check mirrors. Observe that speed limit. Watch for pedestri...ans!! (he can't avoid the signs, crashes through a lot of pedestrians shattering them) Whoa! Aah!!! Whoa!! Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Wow! Oh!!!! Oh!!!!! (slides into the instructor who glares at him) So, umm, how'd I do?
Instructor: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this (holds up a piece of a pedestrian) pedestrian-- HOW YOU DID?!!!!?
(Much later SpongeBob and the Instructor are seen standing near each other)
SpongeBob: Now I know this road course forwards, backwards, and sideways. Am I ready to get behind the wheel?
Instructor: Not quite. (puts blindfold on SpongeBob) Now do it blindfolded. (SpongeBob gets run over by a boat)
Narrator: Several days later.
SpongeBob: 1003, 1004, 1005. (running with his black shoes.) (stops) Ooh, pebble #143. (steps over pebble) Ha! You will not trip me up pebble #143. 1006, 1007, 1008. (old lady pedestrian pops up) Old lady with a ham sandwich. 1009, 1010, 1011, 1012, 1 th...
Instructor: Congratulations. You're ready to get behind the wheel.
SpongeBob: Really? I'm ready! I'm ready. I'm... (runs into a pole)
Instructor: (now in boat) Let's see what I taught you, laddy.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! (drives boat) Left turn at pebble #143. (makes left turn) (pedestrian kid pops up. SpongeBob stops) Kid with a ball. (SpongeBob continues) Nice boy.
Instructor: Nice driving. Now parallel park up ahead. (SpongeBob parallel parks) Very good. (now at real exam) Now, boy, the time has come to show Mr. Fitz what you've learned.
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Step 1: seat belts. (puts on seat belt with no problem)
Instructor: Excellent work, cadet. What's next?
SpongeBob: Step 2 would be...ignite engine.
Instructor: Step 3?
SpongeBob: Step 3 would be... (takes out blindfold) ...engage blindfold.
Instructor: What? You can't drive a boat with a blindfold on. That's illegal!
SpongeBob: But I can't do it without a blindfold.
Instructor: Drive, boy! DRIVE! (SpongeBob drives into a gas can, blowing them out of the boating school) Mayday! Mayday! You're off course. (boat drives into 2 buildings then underground. Spurts out from a fire hydrant. Then crashes through a bakery and into a field where Mrs. Puff is painting the scenery)
Mrs. Puff: Oh, I feel so serene now that I'm away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob. (Mrs. Puff notices the boat and attempts to paint something really quick. When the boat runs into her, the painting shows SpongeBob, the instructor, and Mr. Fitz fearing their lives)
Instructor: The brake, son!
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir. (takes brake apart) There you go, sir. All I had to do was unscrew two little bolts.
Instructor: I'm gonna stop this thing. Tell my wife I love her. (jumps in front of the boat in an attempt to stop it) Come get some! (boat runs over him)
SpongeBob: Man down! Man down! (SpongeBob drives into the city and into each building) Uh, sorry, excuse me. Sorry.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't stop the boat right now. I can't see! I can't see!
Patrick: My pants!!!
SpongeBob: Hey! I can't see! (dodges traffic and pedestrians. Parallel parks) Did I pass?
Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a 'destroy the city' part of the test, you would have.
Patrick: (takes his pants off SpongeBob's head) The nerve of some people.
Mr. Fitz: Sorry, SpongeBob, you failed again. Even our finest instructor could not teach you. Mrs. Puff, you're hired again.
SpongeBob: (at boating school) Hey, Mrs. Puff, sorry that I'm unteachable.
Mrs. Puff: It's ok. Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back. And your OCA was destroyed in the explosion, so it's as if you never failed.
SpongeBob: I got you a welcome back gift, Mrs. Puff. (shows name tag) I found all the pieces and glued them back together. I promise it won't take me a million tries this time. (Mrs. Puff cries and the name tag comes apart)
