Episode Transcript: Professor Squidward

(The episode begins at the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall, where Squilliam Fancyson from "Band Geeks", "Squilliam Returns" and "House Fancy" finishes playing the clarinet. The crowd cheers and throws flowers at him.)

Squilliam: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

(He sniffs a flower that was tossed to him. Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. The fish next to him leans over him.)

Fish #1: Isn't it grand?
Squidward: What is?
Fish #1: He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant!

(The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. Squidward exits the building, jealous.) Squidward: Alright, I've had quite enough! Bunch of this nonsense!

Fish #2: Look, here he comes now!
Fish #3: It is him!
Squidward: Huh?
Fish #3: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson III that we all came here to see perform tonight?
Squidward: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
Fish #3: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
Squidward: Why?
Fish #3: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town. I thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I'd offer you the I'd offer you the high-paying and prestegious opportunity of teaching your own class.
Squidward: My own music class? Did you say Squilliam Fancyson?
Fish #3: Yes.
Squidward: I'm Squilliam Fancyson.
Fish #3: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
Squidward: It is. I mean, wha-? No, it isn't!
Fish #3: Oh, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music concert?
Fish #4: A very pathetic one, that's who!

(The two chuckles, and then Squidward joins in insincerely, overdoing it.)

Fish #3: Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
Squidward: Who? I mean, a good evening to you as well.

(He rushes off.)

Fish #4: Hm. Music type.
Fish #3: Oh, so strange.

(Cut to what looks like a metal shack with music notes painted on it. A sign titles the location as the "Bikini Bottom Prestigious Music College". Squidward walks into a classroom wearing a Beethoven-style wig and carrying a music case. The students all have clarinets on their desk, and Squidward places his clarinet on his desk, too.)

Squidward: Good evening, students. Now...
All: Good evening, professor.
Squidward: ...As I was saying, our first...

(A student raises his hand.)

Squidward: Yes?
Fish #5: Aren't you going to write your name on the board like most professors do?
Squidward: My name? What for?
Fish #5: Well, I don't know, it just usually seems like teachers write their name on the board on the first day of class.

(Squidward sighs in frustration.)

Squidward: Why don't you come write your name on the board and see how you like it.

(The student sighs, and then chuckles slightly, confused.)

Fish #5: OK...?

(He comes and writes "Billy" on the board, underlining it.)

Squidward: There. Now how does that feel, Billy?
Fish #5 (Billy): OK... I guess...
Squidward: Good. Now why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business.

(There is a pause, and then Billy sits back down.)

Squidward: Now, if we can go another five minutes without any further interruptions, I'd like to...

(SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly there. SpongeBob is interrupting with his laughter.)

SpongeBob: Hey, look! It's Squid-

(Squidward covers SpongeBob's mouth.)

Squidward: Squilliam, everyone ! He was about to say, "Squilliam"!
Patrick: Oh, uh, actually, I think he was about to say, "Squi-"

(Squidward covers Patrick's mouth, too.)

Squidward: Didn't you two nincompoops know, I had my name legally changed to "Squilliam Fancyson", and you are only to refer to me as Professor Squilliam from now until the very end of time. Now blink twice so I humbly know you understand me!

(They do so, and Squidward uncovers their mouths.)

Squidward: OK, good.

(Patrick blinks a third time.)

Squidward: Wait... He blinked 3 times!
SpongeBob: Wow, only 8 minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz! Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
Patrick: I'll say!
Squidward: Would you two numbskulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?
SpongeBob: Sure. Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument.
Squidward: You clearly told me your New Year's resolution was to sign up for a slimming, toning and increased muscle mass program.
Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I have been really happy with the results... See?

(He shows a slim, muscular leg.)

Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.

(Cut to later. Squidward clears his throat to begin a lesson.)

Squidward: As you may not be aware, music is...

(Interrupted by SpongeBob's laugh.)

Squidward: ...Music is a...

(He is interrpted again.)

Squidward: ...Music is a complicated series of...

(Sponge laughs once more and Squidward turns around to face him. He stares for a second.)

Squidward: ...Is a complicated series of notes that when played in...

(SpongeBob laughs again really loudly.)

Squidward: SpongeBob, do you mind? There are other people here besides you, you know! And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam.

(Winks)

SpongeBob: Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.

(He points to Patrick, who tries to act innocent.)

Patrick: No way! He's making that up! See! It was him!

(He points back at SpongeBob.)

Squidward: You think you expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
Patrick: You had better tell him, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.
Squidward: You were tickling yourself?
SpongeBob: Mmm-hmm...
Squidward: How?
SpongeBob: Like this...

(He tickles one foot with the other and laughs.)

Squidward: Alright, that's enough!

(Later, the entire class is in one row of desks, SpongeBob and Patrick separated on either side.)

Squidward: There. Now as I was saying, music is a series of complex...

(SpongeBob is laughing yet again.)

Squidward: SpongeBob, I thought i told you to stop tickling yourself!
Patrick: Actually, that time it really was me.

(Squidward is confused and freaked out. Later...)

Squidward: Now, I will draw some notes on the chalkboard.

(Pat whispers something to SpongeBob as Squidward attempts to draw a grand staff on the chalkboard.)

Squidward: Excuse me, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

(Patrick shakes his head no.)

Patrick: Uh-uh.
Squidward: Come on, you've already interupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.
Squidward: I've never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting or irrelevent!
Patrick: Well, actually there was a railroad convention in town last week and I bought myself this nifty conducter's hat.

(He puts on the blue-and-white striped railway hat.)

Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous object on top of anyone's head anywhere!
Patrick: Well, I dunno. It suits my needs.
Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Yuor very own locomotive?

(He cracks up.)

Patrick: Yes.

(He takes one out. It looks like a steam-powered electric train set.)

Squidward: What the-!?!

(Patrick, suddenly about half his size, gets in the model train and rides around the classroom, and into a trash can, which Squidward promptly shuts him in, and puts it out back. He returns to the classroom, dusting his hands off.)

Squidward: Now where were...

(Sees Patrick back in his desk.)

Squidward: ...We...?

(Later, Squid pulls out a metronome.)

Patrick: This is what's called a metronome.
SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
Patrick: No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.
Squidward: Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.

(He starts it, and it ticks side-to-side. SpongeBob and Patrick move their heads side-to-side also.)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

(Squidward stops it.)

Squidward: Do you mind?
SpongeBob & Patrick: ...tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Squidward: Is their something seriously wrong with your heads?
SpongeBob & Patrick: ...tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointing me in one direction.
Patrick: I see it now... There's never been any choice for me...
Squidward: Would you two nincompoops CUT IT OUT, OR AM I GONNA-!?!

(Bob the anchorfish from "The Krusty Sponge" and "SpongeHenge" comes in with a camerafish behind him.)

Bob: Hello, we're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm the reporter.

(Squidward gasps and fluffs his wig.)

Bob: We're here to conduct an interview with esteemed musical genius, Squilliam Fancyson.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Squidward: Please ignore them.
Bob: Are they students or yours?
Squidward: No, just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
Bob: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this makes a much hotter scoop.
Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?
Bob: The sort of thing like this borders off the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
Squidward: Paranormal? The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I am going to make you two disappear!
Bob: Don't blame me! Blame the market!

(He shoves the two out of the classroom, and the bell rings, awakening SpongeBob and Patrick.)

SpongeBob: Where am I? I thought I was in some sort of horrible trance!
Squidward: Do you wanna know what happened?
SpongeBob & Patrick: OK!
Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what may be my one and only chance that I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of hope into the culturally-barren wasteland that each and every one of us has been forced to call home.
Fish #6 (Harold): Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Squidward: Now, do you two have anything to say for yourselves?
SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I could say one thing, it's "We're, sorry, Squidward."
Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no!!! Sshhhh!!!
Fish #6 (Harold): Hey! Did those guys just call you, "Squidward"?
Squidward: No, no, no, no, no, no!!! They said, "Squilliam"!
Fish #7: I knew that this guy was a phony from minute 1! I'm getting out of here.
Fish #6 (Harold): Yeah! Me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
Squidward: No! Wait! No!

(Blocks the exit.)

Squidward: You're not going anywhere!

(Policefish slam the door open and burst in, bruising Squidward. The cops grab him by the arms.)

Squidward: What's going on here?
Policefish #1: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over!

(Squilliam, the college matron, Bob and his camerafish are all in the classroom.)

Fish #3: It's true! We're on to your little ruse!
Bob: What a hot scoop!
Fish #3: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large and bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead!

(She points to Squilliam's.)