Episode Transcript: Squidward in Clarinetland

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This is the transcript for Squidward in Clarinetland (Episode).

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(Squidward rides his bike. Car in front smokes, rocks then fly at him.)

Squidward: Ahh! What a day. (Continues to ride his bike to Krusty Krab.) A-d-d-d-dum, da-da-dum. (Squidward forgets hat, walks backwards and gets it.) La-da-da-de (SpongeBob walk, opens door and slams Squidward.)

SpongeBob: Good morning Krusty Krab (door opens and squidward stumbles out) Oops Sorry Squidward, didn't see you there

Squidward: Not a problem SpongeBob (put's hat back on) Not a problem at all

Mr. Krabs: Specials? We don't have specials! [scratches the slateboard while people can't stand the screeching sound except Squidward]

Squidward: Good morning, sir! Welcome to the Krusty Krab.

Thaddeus: Uh... I'll think I'll have a Krabby Patty.

[His bad breath punches Squidward, plugs his nose, and he is still happy.]

Squidward: One Krabby Patty coming up!

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're in a chipper mood this morning, did you get an order of fancy decorative soaps in the mail or somethin'?

Squidward: Even better, I have a clarinet recital immediately after work today! So ain't nothing gonna ruin my day.

[Nazz's baby accidentally squirts her milk from his bottle onto Squidward's clarinet box.]

Nazz: Oh, terribly sorry, sir.

Squidward: No need! See? Not a drop!

[Nazz's baby drools onto Squidward's clarinet.]

Squidward: [finally snaps] Grrrrr... [shouts loudly] I can't take this anymore!

Mr. Krabs: I told you, there's no early-bird special, now stop calling me here-- Mother!

Squidward: This is unacceptable!

Mr. Krabs: What?

Squidward: This! [points to his clarinet]

Mr. Krabs: Nice to have ya back, Squidward.

Squidward: This is an outrage! I no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff!

Mr. Krabs: Hmm... okay, uhhh. I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese, no one's got near that in years.

Squidward: You ever read this? [hands out a book]

Mr. Krabs: Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations? Eww! Gross! [grows hives] Get that thing away from me! It's giving me hives!

Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.

Mr. Krabs: Gahh! Blast you, Squidward! You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle something up for ya.

[patties sizzling]

SpongeBob: Yeah... sizzle those juices.

[Mr. Krabs brings a rusty locker]

Mr. Krabs: Oh! Here we go! Found it!

SpongeBob: Wow, what is it?

[Spiders eat away SpongeBob's arm]

Mr. Krabs: It's me old navy locker. Good as new! [opens and shows bones of Corporal Sterling]

SpongeBob: Who is that, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: [as he empties the locker] Uhh... Appears to be Corporal Sterling, lad. Heh...forgot all about that prank. [empties the locker] Squidward! Your locker is ready!

SpongeBob: Ooh! Do we share our lockers like we share hairnets?

Squidward: Not at a whale's age.

Mr. Krabs: Now not so fast, Mr. Squidward, the law requires that all employees have a secure place for personal items. So you are required by law, to share.

Squidward: Ohh, I suppose I can share but only since it requires by law. Hey! This thing is filthy! You don't expect me to clean it?!

SpongeBob: [with a bucket of water and duster] No he doesn't! And I don't either!

[dusts the locker, Squidward and Mr. Krabs cough due to dust, opens the door, absorbs the water and blasts it onto the locker, the locker looks good as new.]

Mr. Krabs: Blimey! She hasn't sparkled like this since boot camp! Carry on, boys.

Squidward: Impressive indeed. Just keep your grubby little hands to your side.

SpongeBob: You got it, Squidward. Finally, I have a clean place to store my toothbrush.

Squidward: Just don't touch my clarinet!

SpongeBob: I promise nothing untoward will happen.

[shuts the locker and rings the bell]

Squidward: Order up, SpongeBob! [walks towards SpongeBob]

Squidward: SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!

SpongeBob: I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?

Squidward: Velvet..

SpongeBob: Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum, sir, please!

[SpongeBob comes in with a load of appliances]

Squidward: And here's your change, ma'am.

Squidward: What is that idiot doing now?! [throws his change on the ground]

Customer: Loose change! [the people start to collect as Mr. Krabs bursts out and yells like a gorilla to scare them away]

Squidward: I hope you're not trying to shove the boxes into that locker!

SpongeBob: Too late! It's already done.

Squidward: If you smashed my clarinet-- so help me, Neptune-- I will- [opens the locker]

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward, there's plenty of room!

[Squidward walks inside the locker room]

SpongeBob: I... expanded a bit.

Squidward: Well, it's all fine and dandy, but where's my clarinet?

SpongeBob: Well, that's simple.

SpongeBob: We just simply consult the card catalog and find... Squidward's Clarinet drawer 36●8-B. [opens the cabinet and reveals Squidward's clarinet]

SpongeBob: See?

Squidward: Fine. But remember, It's vitally important that nothing happens to it.

SpongeBob: Don't worry, buddy! [slams the drawer shut]

SpongeBob: You're in good hands.

[Squidward places order onto Scooter's table when appliance noises come from the locker. Squidward checks the locker.]

Squidward: What's he doing?!

Customer 2: May I order, please?

Squidward: Alright what do you want? [appliance noise]

Customer 2: I'll have- [jackhammer running]

Customer 2: Is everything okay back there?

Squidward: Yeah, Just a bit of a... renovation. [saw noises gets louder, locker flips]

Squidward: [freaking out] My clarinet! SpongeBob! [opens the locker door and reveals a grand locker room]

Squidward: SpongeBob?

Squidward: There. 36●8-B.

Squidward: [gasps] A note?!

SpongeBob: Item has temporarily moved during reconstruction. Relocated to shelf 1018●2-E.

Squidward: SpongeBob?!

Squidward: 1018●2-E.

Squidward: Another note?!

SpongeBob: Oops! Did I say 1018●2-E? I meant 2019●3-F! Sorry!

Squidward: SpongeBob?! SpongeBob?!

[SpongeBob laughing and running]

Squidward: SpongeBob, Wait!

Squidward: What have you done to my...? [ends up in the corner, discovers a small hole and crawls in]

Squidward: SpongeBob, I do not play games.

[Opens the curtain. Finding himself in a forest of clarinets.]

Squidward: [gasps] Where am I? What is this place?

[A clarinet jumping in front of him]

Squidward: My clarinet!

[The clarinet escapes in SpongeBob's hands]

Squidward: What the…? [SpongeBob starts to laugh] Hey, come back, I need my clarinet, come back! Where are you? SpongeBo-

[bumps into an eagle head]

Eagle: I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.

Squidward: Uhh... I'm... trying to find my clarinet.

Eagle: Your clarinet?

Squidward: Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.

[Eagle laughs]

Eagle: A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?

Squidward: You calling me a liar?!

[the eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue and Squidward yells]

Eagle: I don't appreciate your tone.

Squidward: I-I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to offend you.

Eagle: This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.

Squidward: [the eagle squeezed Squidward tightly] I've learned... [loosely] I've learned respect...

Eagle: I don't believe you.

[the eagle swallows Squidward] [Squidward screams and then he ends up in the stomach. He coughs and sees SpongeBob laughing.]

Squidward: Stand still, you idiot! [SpongeBob continues laughing]

Squidward: I got you now!

[grabs SpongeBob and falls in a strange room, SpongeBob disappeared]

Squidward: Haa, haa! What the...? SpongeBob? SpongeBob?!

[SpongeBob laughs as he hangs down from a hole. As he disappears again, the hole vanishes. In a mirror, Squidward laughs wickedly, gets his clarinet, sniffs, laughs wickedly again, and shoves it in his mouth. Two Squidward's in two mirrors with clarinets in their mouths began to play and plays a high pitched note at Squidward's ears, causing Squidward to scream. Squidward runs on a clarinet while five clarinets were playing above. Then he chases SpongeBob and falls into a clarinet hole and is sent into a pinball machine.]

Patrick: I win! I win!

[grabs Squidward]

Patrick: Hey, what are you doing here?

Squidward: You tell me what in the wide world of sports is this place? And how did you get so big?

Patrick: Must be all the pressure.

Squidward: What are you talking about?

Patrick: It must be... the pressure.

[ground shakes]

Patrick: I gotta get outta here! [runs off]

Squidward: Where are you going, you imbecile?!

[SpongeBob continues on laughing as he runs past Squidward. Just then, Squidward gets sucked in the vacuum and it explodes into space where SpongeBob keeps on laughing

as Squidward chases him.]

Squidward: Almost... gotcha! [shouts as he crashes]

[The locker opens and Squidward melts]

Mr. Krabs: [laughing] I just sweet talked an old lady out of $20 for a Krabby Patty! [laughs again] [Squidward groans]

SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?

Squidward: [muttering] Such a nightmare!

SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you trying to say, buddy?

Squidward: [coughs] I tried to get my clarinet in there... [sobs] Impossible!

SpongeBob: Clari- Oh! You mean this! [hands out his clarinet]

Squidward: Where did you get that?!

SpongeBob: Well, with all the ruckus you were making over it, I kept it with me, just to make sure it was safe.

Squidward: (growls in fury)

SpongeBob: Call it a friendly gesture!

Squidward: I'll show you a friendly gesture! Do you know the horror I've endured?! [throws SpongeBob into the locker] Let's see how you like it! [locks it, tugs it out, and throws it into a bus going to Far Far Away] [bus leaves]

Squidward: [sighs with relief]

[Clarinet Auditions]

Judge: Are you ready, Mr. Squidward?

Squidward: Yes, yes I am; as a matter of fact, you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get… [screams when SpongeBob pops out of Squidward's clarinet case]

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here.

Squidward: [screams again and runs out]

SpongeBob: Huh. I was just going to bring his clarinet.