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Episode Transcript: Can You Spare a Dime?
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| As Seen on TV | No Weenies Allowed |
Episode Article: Can You Spare a Dime?
Characters
Dialogue
French Narrator: Closing time at the Krusty Krab.
Mr. Krabs: 51, 52, 53...
Squidward: 29, 30, 31...
SpongeBob: 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3...
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, can we please go now?
Mr. Krabs: Perhaps, one of our more loyal workers can enlighten you on company policy.
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab Employee Manual; 2nd revised edition; page 35; section 19; clause 3a states: All staff must remain on the premises until the days receipts are fully accounted for.
Squidward: But that's not fair!
SpongeBob: Clause 3b: The provider reserves the right to be unfair.
Squidward: Teacher's pet.
Mr. Krabs: Let's see... (counts money in register) ...five, ten, twenty-five, blue, applesauce. Everything looks to be in order...except... (gasps) where is it? (takes apart the register and searches for a dime) Where is it?!
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: My dime! Me special dime! The first dime I ever made! I always keep it in the back of the register for luck!
Squidward: Well, I've never seen it.
Mr. Krabs: (suspects Squidward of stealing it) Hmmm, are you prepared to say that with your hand on top of a stack of interpretive Dance Quarterlies? (holds up a stack of Dance Quarterly magazines)
Squidward: Of course I'm... What are you saying?
Mr. Krabs: Me? I ain't saying nothing that would matter to anyone who would be able to take a lie detector test! (takes out a robotic lie detector)
Squidward: You're saying something!
Mr. Krabs: Heavens to Betsy, no. It's just that me lucky dime's gone missin', and you've been working the register all day!
Squidward: Are you accusing me of something?
Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it there are three possibilities. 1, you stole it. 2, you stole it. Or 3, you stole it!
Squidward: I didn't take your precious dime!
Mr. Krabs: Show me your tentacles!
Squidward: WHAT?!
Mr. Krabs: I wanna see every suction cup.
Squidward: (squeezes Mr. Krabs eyes with his tentacles until they become very unstable) Here! Here! Here! See 'em?!
Mr. Krabs: You, you can't do that to me! I'm your boss!
Squidward: (walking toward the double doors) Not anymore, Mr. Krabs! I quit! (walks out and throws his hat down. The hat falls in slow motion)
SpongeBob: (gasps) No! (saves the hat on a pillow. Cut to Squidward walking outside)
Squidward: I'm out of here!
SpongeBob: Squidward, you're making a big mistake!
Squidward: Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy. And what could be better than serving up smiles? (smiles really big)
Squidward: Being dead, or anything else!
SpongeBob: I never knew you felt so strongly about it.
Squidward: Where have you been?
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can't stop you, but Squidward, it's a cold, cold world out there. No one's going to serve you happiness on a silver platter. (lady with cookies on a silver platter appears and gives SpongeBob a cookie)
Lady: Free sample?
SpongeBob: Cookies!
Squidward: Can I have one?
SpongeBob: Anyways, I just want you to know, if you ever get in trouble, come find me. I'll take care of you. 'Cause you and me... (grabs Squidward and pulls him toward himself) ...we're like brothers, only closer. (lifts Squidward's shirt and their hearts are joined together beating)
Squidward: (screams and pulls his shirt down) SpongeBob, I don't need your help. I am ready to unlock my potential. I could be anything I set my mind to. (imagines himself as a football player, then as a king, then finally as an astronaut) I could be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
SpongeBob: Or a football playing king in space...with a mustache.
Squidward: Yeah...uh-huh. Ya know, that reminds me, there's been something I've been wanting to say to you since the day we met. Goodbye. Next time you see me, this town will be eating out of the palm of my hand! (cut to a homeless Squidward in a box trying to get spare change in a cup) Spare change? Spare change, ma'am?
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward, is that you?
Squidward: Uh, I, uh...(closes his box)
SpongeBob: It's me, SpongeBob. (opens his box up) We used to work together.
Squidward: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: There ya go. So, where you living these days?
Fish: Squidward Tentacles?
Squidward: Yes?
Fish: Sign here please. (takes out a clipboard. Squidward signs it and the fish takes his box)
Squidward: Uh... nowhere.
SpongeBob: That's great. And have you been doing with yourself? No wait, let me guess...hmmm, I see you've been working on that mustache, the tattered clothes, the awful smell... You're a football player?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: A spaceman?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: A football playing king in spa--
Squidward: Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
SpongeBob: (gasps) Even your paintings?
Squidward: Nobody would take them, so I had to eat them! (his stomach is shown to have a rectangular shape from eating a painting. Starts to cry out a fountain of tears into SpongeBob. SpongeBob soaks it up and becomes bigger but squishes himself to let the water out)
SpongeBob: There, there. You can come live with me. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house) Here you go, Squidward. You can sleep in my bed. (Squidward is laying in SpongeBob's bed)
Squidward: OK, but just until I get a job. One day... 2 days tops.
SpongeBob: (baby talk) Nonsense. You stay as long as you need to. (kisses Squidward on his forehead) Goodnight, my little angel. (bubble-wipe to the next morning. Rings a bell to wake Squidward) Breakfast is ready! You're gonna need to build up your strength again so I laid out a big buffet for you.
Squidward: And in bed, too? Aw, thanks SpongeBob. SpongeBob, I...
SpongeBob: Ahh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Here comes the plane. (makes plane noises while attempting to put some food in Squidward's mouth with a spoon)
Squidward: It's really nice of you to help me in my time of need. I'll try not to be a burden.
SpongeBob: It's no trouble. Is there anything else I can do for you, winner?
Squidward: No, no, no. You've already...well... (montage shows SpongeBob putting lotion on his hand and then massaging Squidward's scalp, feeding him grapes, spraying his scalp with hairspray and shining it, massaging his back then his nose, giving him a bottle, giving him an acupuncture, and shining his head and seeing his reflection. Bubble-wipe to later on)
SpongeBob: Oh, wow. Nurturing a broken spirit sure is a lot of work. I'm bushed. Still, it feels nice to do good. (yawns) Goodnight, Gary. (cut to outside SpongeBob's house)
Squidward: (offscreen) SpongeBob, can I get a glass of water? (bottom floor light turns on and we hear SpongeBob march up the stairs. He turns on the light and gives Squidward a glass of water) Thank you.
SpongeBob: (offscreen) Good night. (marches back down stairs and turns off the light)
Squidward: (offscreen) SpongeBob, could I get some more blankets? (SpongeBob marches upstairs again, turning on the lights on the way up there)
SpongeBob: (offscreen) Here you go.
Squidward: (offscreen) Thank you. (SpongeBob goes downstairs again, accidentally leaving Squidward's light on) SpongeBob, you forgot to turn out the light! (SpongeBob marches upstairs yet again)
SpongeBob: (offscreen) Good night. (turns off the light. He walks downstairs again, but this time he trips and makes lots of noises. Cut to the living room, where SpongeBob lands near Gary)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: (gasps) Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader and he would never take advantage of me. (time card appears)
French Narrator: Three weeks later...
SpongeBob: (crawls to Gary) He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. (falls down. Another time card appears)
French Narrator: Many months later...
SpongeBob: (crawls again but this time, he has eye bags. Even Gary is tired) I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. (yet another time card appears)
British Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.
Gary: Meow, meow, meow.
SpongeBob: I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!
Squidward: (offscreen) SpongeBob, where's my lemonade?
SpongeBob: Coming, Squidward.
Squidward: (SpongeBob is running down the hallway) SpongeBob?! SpongeBob?! (SpongeBob enters his bedroom with a glass cup filled with lemonade and ice. There is a lemon on the cup, and a straw is in the cup as well) And why aren't you in uniform? (SpongeBob exits the room and re-enters in a maid outfit) It's about time you got here!
SpongeBob: Here you go, your majesty.
Squidward: I can't drink that.
SpongeBob: Why not?
Squidward: Are you blind? Just look at it.
SpongeBob: What about it?
Squidward: That lemon has 3 seeds in it. That's an odd number! I can't eat anything odd numbered!
SpongeBob: Fine, I'll just take it out! (takes out the lemon and Squidward gets mad)
Squidward: No, no! It's already been contaminated by a bad lemon. It won't work.
SpongeBob: Hmmm, that's two things in this house that won't work.
Squidward: Then go fix them.
SpongeBob: (breaks the cup of lemonade with his hands) Two things that won't work.
Squidward: I've changed my mind. I want soup instead.
SpongeBob: Okay. Don't move. (walks out the bedroom door and comes back in wearing normal clothes with a bowl of steaming soup) Here you go. It's alphabet soup. I made it special. (we see the soup. It has the phrase "GET A JOB" in alphabet letters. Squidward angrily slaps it out of SpongeBob's hands)
Squidward: Condensed soup from a can? Disgusting! Now you've ruined my appetite! Go fetch me something to read.
SpongeBob: Oh, okay. How about this? (pulls out a newspaper with the "job listings" page on the front)
Squidward: (gasps) Get that away from me! You know I'm allergic to newsprint.
SpongeBob: (chuckles) Ya know, when you swatted that newspaper out of my hands, it reminded me of something a friend of mine did... at his... job! (his alarm clock goes off and blows him away)
Squidward: 4 o'clock. Time for my stories. Hurry up, they won't hold the show while you laze around! (SpongeBob rolls in a television and turns it on. Two puppets, one blue-green and the other yellow and wearing a blue shirt and a red tie, walk in)
Puppet #1: (puppet #2 is whistling) Hey, where are you going?
Puppet #2: To my job. (cut to puppet #1)
Puppet #1: You have a job? (cut to puppet #2)
Puppet #2: Why wouldn't I? I'm not some kind of lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day. (cut to both puppets)
Puppet #1: Say, where can I get one of these...jobs?
Puppet #2: Oh, they're everywhere. Especially if you're green and have six tentacles. (cut to Squidward)
Puppet #1: Thanks. (camera pans out, revealing that SpongeBob is controlling and providing the voice of the puppets. The TV is shown to have no back. As SpongeBob speaks, we cut to a close-up of him, then to Squidward) I'm gonna go look for one so that I can stop mooching off my friends and they can get back to their lives.
Squidward: (tries to use the remote to turn off the TV, but it does nothing) This isn't my show! SpongeBob, the remote control is broken! Get over here and fix it! (SpongeBob throws the TV away)
SpongeBob: I've got a better idea. Why don't I call someone whose job is to fix it? You know why? Because when I want a job done I get someone with a job to do that job!
Squidward: What are you saying? (cut to outside SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob screams and smashes a hole out the side of the house. He drags the bed to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Donate to the children's fund? Why? What have children ever done for me? (SpongeBob grabs the phone and throws it away)
SpongeBob: You want your dime back?! (takes one out) Take it! Now Squidward can come back right? (Mr. Krabs checks the dime through a telescope)
Mr. Krabs: Wrong, that ain't my first dime.
SpongeBob: Then have some more dimes! (throws out more dimes) I've got plenty of them!
Mr. Krabs: You can't put a price on me first dime. And I can't forgive that thieving bilge rat Squidward for stealing it!
SpongeBob: (grabs Mr. Krabs and chokes him) Listen you crustaceous cheap-skate! Squidward's been living at my house driving me crazy! (shakes Mr. Krabs) AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA HIRE HIM BACK ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID DIME?! (a pre-historic dime falls out of Mr. Krabs' back pocket) What's that?
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Me first dime. Oh, dimey, I'll never lose you again.
SpongeBob: This is a dime?
Mr. Krabs: I've been in business a long time, boy.
SpongeBob: So, if Squidward never stole the dime, he can come back to work, right?
Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, just let the dime and me have our privacy.
SpongeBob: Yeee-hoo-hoo! (bubble-wipe to later)
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, it's good to have you back.
Squidward: Well, it's kind of good to be back, sir.
Mr. Krabs: It's all water under the bridge now.
Squidward: I agree, sir.
Mr. Krabs: After all I'm sure you didn't mean to misplace me dime.
Squidward: What the...? What are you saying?
Mr. Krabs: Well, it's obvious that you put the dime in me pants. Dimes just don't fly into peoples' pants.
Squidward: Are you accusing me of something?
Mr. Krabs: (SpongeBob annoyingly puts the maid costume on over his clothes while Mr. Krabs and Squidward continue to argue) Well, the way I see it there are three possibilities. 1, you put the dime in me pants. 2, you put the dime in me pants. (as the argument continues, we fade to the Krusty Krab as the camera zooms out) Or 3, YOU PUT THE DIME IN ME PANTS!!!
